Married to a BPD for 20 years, having kids and struggling

[tg77]

Hi all

I've been married to a BPD (diagnosed twice separately, but in denial) for 20 years.  We have kids together.

For well over a decade, she convinced me that I was broken (which I partly was since I did not see the dynamics of our relationship clearly). 

We have several kids together and are in financial problems to the extend that a divorce would bankrupt us both.

She has violent rages, blaming and even towards the kids (but mainly towards me).  I'm struggling so hard with what I should do now.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purplex]

Hi tg77 and welcome to the family 

I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but I am glad you found us. We have a lot of tools and information at our disposal and most importantly we can offer a support network for you to rely on. Many members have similar backstories to yours and will be able to share experiences and advice. You are not alone and I hope we can help you make an informed decision on how to move forward.

She has violent rages, blaming and even towards the kids (but mainly towards me).

How do those situations play out? Maybe you could share a recent example?
 

[zachira]

It is understandable that you are struggling, not being able to end a very unhappy marriage and have children that you care deeply about. From what you have written, how your wife treats you affects your self esteem. You would like some help on feeling better, and seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. First of all there is hope for things to get better though it may not seem like that right now. First step, is to start taking steps that will help you to feel better and will allow you to be less impacted by your wife's behaviors. Do take a look at the tools on this site. You may want to consider going to individual therapy. There are many men on this site who were once in similar situations to yours and are now leading happier lives, who will help you in any way they can. Take care and keep us posted.

[tg77]

Thanks zachira

I've been in individual therapy for several years now, successfully worked through my issues and now I go from time to time to work through my relationship issues...

[tg77]

Hi Purplex

How do those situations play out? Maybe you could share a recent example?

Usually she'll get upset at something I (or one of the kids) did, like leave a single cup somewhere, that leads to her having a rage fit, yelling, screaming, name-calling.  In case it's me, she's thrown things at me including a dinner plate aimed at my face as well as hit me (and played the victim when I hit her back in defense).

The physical violence has never been aimed at the kids, but verbal violence has.

[Purplex]

tg77, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you and the kids to be confronted with those outbursts. How often does your wife act out like that?
How old are your kids?

This test might help to get a better idea of your situation, maybe you could get back to us with a score.

Threat Assessment: The MOSAIC threat assessment is sophisticated third party test that can use to evaluate the danger in relationship. The link is
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

Hang in there, other members with more experience will join soon.

[Radcliff]

You can expect her to play the victim in any physical situation.  Can you tell us details and timing of the last time she physically assaulted you and the worst time?  When you hit her back, where on your body had she hit you?  Where did you hit her?  What rooms of the house have physical assaults happened in?

I'm sorry if this feels like a lot of questions, but these situations are dangerous -- physically, legally, and emotionally -- and understanding the situation better will help us to provide the best help to you.

RC