Feeling immeasurably better now - Part 2

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

There are a lot of things I made myself blind to in the last weeks...

He said several times that he'd contemplated starting heroin again. I took him at his word, contemplated, didn't think he'd done it or would do it. I know how important his recovery was to him, but, then, I also know how an addiction like that never completely lets go. There are many amazing, courageous people who fight that battle and win every day for the rest of their lives. But it never stops being a battle; it never really goes away.

I am thinking now that it can be much easier to tell someone that you're contemplating doing something than that you actually are doing it - it can be a first step in testing the waters to see how the person is likely to react when you reveal you actually are doing the thing you've told them you're considering. Not saying this was the case, but... It may have been.

Then there were other comments... He was telling me about how one acquaintance of his thought another acquaintance of his was trying to get him (Acquaintance A) hooked on something. S said "When you've got an addiction like that, that's what you do, you try and get someone else hooked on it too so that they'll end up feeding your habit as well as their own. That's what I'd do anyway". When he said this, he was looking at the ground, his voice was very hard and cold, but also incredibly heavy, weight-of-world heavy, loaded...

My neighbour, whose partner is a recovering heroin addict too and who does not know S's history, told me that her partner and others think S is on heroin. She said he knows the signs and he saw them in S.

Then there's the pawning the engagement ring. He only got £25 for that, but, still... He tried pawning his telly the very next day. He'd said he needed the money for cider and food, but it ran out in under a day...

There was a conversation we were having about prescription painkillers, and I said I'd read somewhere that long-term use of these can actually increase pain-receptors in the brain so that you end up on a kind of treadmill where they ease the pain in the short-term and worsen it longer-term. S said "Heroin is like that. I remember when I was on heroin, I'd always be in pain" [he then listed examples of the pain] then said "And I can feel all of that coming back now..."

When he told me the story about J's family having put something in a spliff and got him drugged up and assaulted him while he was unconscious... He kept saying it wasn't a normal spliff. I suggested maybe it could have been spice (synthetic cannabis, nasty stuff).

S: It may have been heroin...

B: Wouldn't you know if it was heroin? [meaning wouldn't a recovering heroin addict recognise if they'd just taken heroin]

S: Not necessarily. You can put it in spliffs. I used to have it off foil, but my mate put it in spliffs. You can do that.

*

You put all of these things together and it looks pretty likely, I think.

[Bnonymous]

There are a lot of things I made myself blind to in the last weeks...

He said several times that he'd contemplated starting heroin again. I took him at his word, contemplated, didn't think he'd done it or would do it. I know how important his recovery was to him, but, then, I also know how an addiction like that never completely lets go. There are many amazing, courageous people who fight that battle and win every day for the rest of their lives. But it never stops being a battle; it never really goes away.

I am thinking now that it can be much easier to tell someone that you're contemplating doing something than that you actually are doing it - it can be a first step in testing the waters to see how the person is likely to react when you reveal you actually are doing the thing you've told them you're considering. Not saying this was the case, but... It may have been.

Then there were other comments... He was telling me about how one acquaintance of his thought another acquaintance of his was trying to get him (Acquaintance A) hooked on something. S said "When you've got an addiction like that, that's what you do, you try and get someone else hooked on it too so that they'll end up feeding your habit as well as their own. That's what I'd do anyway". When he said this, he was looking at the ground, his voice was very hard and cold, but also incredibly heavy, weight-of-world heavy, loaded...

My neighbour, whose partner is a recovering heroin addict too and who does not know S's history, told me that her partner and others think S is on heroin. She said he knows the signs and he saw them in S.

Then there's the pawning the engagement ring. He only got £25 for that, but, still... He tried pawning his telly the very next day. He'd said he needed the money for cider and food, but it ran out in under a day...

There was a conversation we were having about prescription painkillers, and I said I'd read somewhere that long-term use of these can actually increase pain-receptors in the brain so that you end up on a kind of treadmill where they ease the pain in the short-term and worsen it longer-term. S said "Heroin is like that. I remember when I was on heroin, I'd always be in pain" [he then listed examples of the pain] then said "And I can feel all of that coming back now..."

When he told me the story about J's family having put something in a spliff and got him drugged up and assaulted him while he was unconscious... He kept saying it wasn't a normal spliff. I suggested maybe it could have been spice (synthetic cannabis, nasty stuff).

S: It may have been heroin...

B: Wouldn't you know if it was heroin? [meaning wouldn't a recovering heroin addict recognise if they'd just taken heroin]

S: Not necessarily. You can put it in spliffs. I used to have it off foil, but my mate put it in spliffs. You can do that.

*

You put all of these things together and it looks pretty likely, I think.

[Bnonymous]

Thanks, FF. That was a really thoughtful and empathic post.

I'm sorry you went through something like that.

Am I right in thinking you were in the forces? If so, you will understand the vast difference between horror intruding upon normal everyday life and witnessing it in a warzone. (I've never been in the forces or in a warzone). I say this because all the people in the pub S tried to talk to didn't get it. A lot of them were ex-forces and would actually shout at him about how seeing one body is nothing, they have seen xyz and they don't go around crying about it. Shocking lack of empathy. I'm just saying this because it would be nice to hear that someone gets how the effects can be when something like this intrudes upon ordinary day-to-day life where it feels particularly incongruous and the mind struggles to process the juxtaposition of the ordinary and the horrific.

I guess I haven't dealt with it and will need to deal with this first. S and I did a lot of talking about it, which was a good thing. Then, from time to time, I'd "break" and end up telling the whole story somewhere or to someone (like I did here the other day), that helps too, helps make sure I remember that this happened and had an impact.

I tried seeing my doctor to arrange therapy regarding it, but, here (in UK), there can be a lot of hoops to jump through in order to get therapy on the NHS, and these were too daunting at the time. I may have to consider paying privately. I know it's something that I will have to do and can't put off forever. At the moment though, simply breathing in and out seems Too Much, so it will have to wait at least a little while longer.

[Bnonymous]

You've got me thinking about this now... And I'm thinking something very hard for me...

I love this man. His life was in danger. The thought of my daughter stopped me going to him.

Here, in this (semi-)ordinary space, where there is room for philosophy and psychology and analysis and rationalisations, everything seems very grey and nuanced and complex.

But, there, in that immediate moment, where this is no room for any of that, only action or inaction...

I chose my daughter. And I chose survival.

I think maybe that ought to tell me something.

[formflier]

I think maybe that ought to tell me something.

Perhaps it does.  Perhaps it tells you a number of things.  Very likely your actions/inactions can reveal a lot about you, assuming you get properly guided through exploring this.

I would caution you to figure out "the one thing" it means. I would be shocked if it "only means one thing".

Yes I was a Naval Aviator (flew off carriers) for a bit over 20 years.  There is a big difference, IMO in experiencing stressful things you are "ready" for, versus having you calm safe space intruded on...especially in your home where there is an assumption of safety and calm.

What you will likely understand is this is/was a very complex event and sorting it out is a complex process (many many facets to this).

It's also not a process to rush.  I hadn't really thought about it in a long time but it seemed appropriate to bring up in this post.  Not a great thing for me to think/type about..but it is a really important chapter in my life.  Hopefully someday you can look back on your experiences and share with someone else in need.

FF

[Bnonymous]

I hadn't really thought about it in a long time but it seemed appropriate to bring up in this post.  Not a great thing for me to think/type about..but it is a really important chapter in my life. 

Thank you. I understand the weight of these words and the extent of the generosity behind them, and I appreciate it.

[Bnonymous]

Perhaps it does.  Perhaps it tells you a number of things.  Very likely your actions/inactions can reveal a lot about you, assuming you get properly guided through exploring this.

I would caution you to figure out "the one thing" it means. I would be shocked if it "only means one thing".

Wise words, thanks.

What I was driving at is to take it as a reminder to myself that I value survival and my daughter. Because I need that reminder right now. I need to remember that there was a time when I wanted to survive. Because, honestly, I don't want to right now. I will survive this because I have to, because I have responsibilities. But I want to remember that, once, I wanted to. And that, at some point, I will want to again.

[Cat Familiar]

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