What do or can I say to my daughter about boundaries

[sandgrounder]

Tomorrow I go to the hospital for a meeting in which I think they will want discharge my daughter to come home with me.

I think I need to set boundaries such as:

1. Her abusive ex and his family not to come to my house
2. If I am on the phone she is not to eavesdrop
3. She is not to use her phone to video me or record me.
4. I guess I’d have to give her a door key so she’s not to give or lend to anyone or have a copy made of it. I am actually thinking of getting one of those electronic doorbells so I can see who comes to the house especially when I’m out.

The problem is she has trust issues with me and I now have them with her because I know she has discussed us, her family, with the ex since leaving his house. She has recorded a (harmless) convo with my son’s girlfriend and sent it to the ex. I have seen the expression on this site “walking on eggshells”. That is how I feel, not so much setting her off, but that everything I do and say will be scruntinized and reported to him to be twisted.

This morning I traveled into the London office of where I work to meet my boss. I had to leave after an hour without the meeting because I feel so distraught. I try to eat but when I do I feel sick

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi sandgrounder,

It really sounds like you're suffering - not able to eat, not able to keep an appointment, it makes sense with what you're dealing with and I want to encourage you to be extra kind to yourself - this stuff isn't easy and you're doing the best you can given the circumstances. Coming here to ask for help and advise, support from others, is an excellent act of self-care. Keep it up.

You're smart to be thinking of this stuff before your meeting tomorrow. As far as boundaries are concerned, I've only recently learned that boundaries are more about our values and what WE will do or not do, rather than what we want someone else to do or not do. Does that make sense?

Have you had a chance to read the articles we have here about boundaries?

Here are a couple of links you might find useful.

Communicate Boundaries and Limits

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limite

   
1.07 | Boundaries and Values

Have a read and let us know what you think.

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

I second what OH is saying about limits and boundaries. It is good you are thinking about them now. The article OH recommended helped me to set boundaries with my son. The most important thing I learned was to make it clear that MY boundaries are about ME and my values not him. For example, my husband and I do not allow him to use illegal drugs in our house. Rather than saying "You can't come here because you are using' we say "We are not comfortable having illegal drugs in our house'" That way it isn't a judgment against him. It's just a statement of fact about us. Does that help?

[livednlearned]

You an also structure your boundaries so that her actions have consequences.

For example, you are willing to let her stay in the house for x amount of time until she finds her own place. During the time she is there, you will not tolerate the ex in your home. You will not tolerate being recorded.

You would have to feel willing to follow through with any boundaries you set (like FHLKC mentioned, your limits are based on your values and are things you have control over).

When I set boundaries with SD21 she immediately tests them. It's as though she thinks, "LnL has a boundary. If I can get her to choose between me and her boundary and she chooses me, then I mean something to her."

That helps me prepare for the inevitable build-up in pressure to get me to stand down on my boundary. I try to only discuss boundaries that I can do something about when they are violated. If I expect her to respect them it just sets us both up for failure.

I also have some boundaries that I don't make explicit. Instead, I think of it more as shaping behavior. For example, I do not text her back right away because she blows up everyone's phones with dozens of texts hoping that someone will solve her immediate problem. I have never explicitly said anything about my relationship with texting, I just do what feels manageable in the context of our relationship.

Also, it sounds like you do not feel safe with her there. It may seem draconian, but when it comes to safety you may consider not giving her a key and letting her know she is welcome to be there when you are there, or something that reflects the degree of security you feel meets your needs.