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Author Topic: Teen daughter with BPD  (Read 1839 times)
Tazzer4000
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« on: March 06, 2019, 12:09:55 AM »

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting in a group like this but I need help. My youngest daughter, who is 15, has BPD. The last 2 years with her have been a nightmare for everyone in the home. Her behaviors have continued to escalate even though she has been in counseling,  done intensive outpatient treatment, several inpatient hospitalizations, intensive in home therapy, and family counseling. She has gotten to the point of physical agression with everyone in the house. She has repeatedly run off. We have called the police on our daughter more than I care to count due to the above behaviors. My husband has just given up and can hardly stand to be in the same room with her because she is so mean and verbally aggressive. Personally,  I'm at the end of my rope. I've done everything I know to do and it's not good enough. To top it off, I have this intense guilt that we caused this but I have no idea how. She was not abused or neglected in any way. I don't know what to do to help her and I don't know how to let go of this feeling of guilt and shame. Any advice would be appreciated.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #1 on: March 06, 2019, 07:38:10 AM »

Hello Tazzer. I am glad to meet you though sorry about the circumstances. You have come to the right place for help and support. Many of us are in situations similar to yours. You are not alone. You have listed all the ways you are trying to help your daughter. I wonder what you are doing to help YOURSELF. One thing I find as the mother of a Ds24xBPD (dear son 24 diagnosed with BPD) is self care comes first. You have already taken a big step in that direction by coming here and asking for help plus reading and watching the videos. It really will help and when you start feeling better and less at the end of your rope you will be better able to help your daughter. Some of us (myself included as well as my husband) also see therapists who know about BPD. It helps a lot. Might that also be an option for you? I don't know what your religious beliefs are but if it is appropriate for you spiritual practices and supportive nonjudgmental faith communities can also help
 I know this is hard but you seem to really love your daughter and you also seem ready to give her the support she needs. My only advice is to make sure you first take care of yourself
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livednlearned
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« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2019, 01:56:15 PM »

She has gotten to the point of physical agression with everyone in the house.

What is she doing and how are you and your family handling it?

It must be awful when she runs off, not knowing where she is.

Does she accept her BPD diagnosis?
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Breathe.
No-One
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« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2019, 05:06:34 PM »

To top it off, I have this intense guilt that we caused this but I have no idea how. She was not abused or neglected in any way. I don't know what to do to help her and I don't know how to let go of this feeling of guilt and shame. Any advice would be appreciated.
There tends to be a genetic component in play. (no one's fault) Does anyone on either side of the family have any form of mental illness?  Maybe even back a generation?  Many times older folks never get diagnosed, but their behavior is off or you hear stories of their behavior being off.
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SkellyII
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« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2019, 09:03:36 PM »

I've done everything I know to do and it's not good enough. To top it off, I have this intense guilt that we caused this but I have no idea how. She was not abused or neglected in any way. I don't know what to do to help her and I don't know how to let go of this feeling of guilt and shame. Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi Tazzer,

Welcome to the group!

I've heard from therapists and also from reading various books that it can be a combination of genetics and environment. My ex is admitted Bi-polar2, but most likely udBPD. She has a daughter from her first marriage who has attempted suicide and was a cutter. My ex, who had custody until her own suicide attempt 3 years ago was also an abusive alcoholic.

So... I guess we have both the genetic and the environmental bases covered. We pretty much know exactly how and what caused it.

But guess what? That doesn't help anything. My daughter is still very mentally ill.

Did you specifically cause her issues? Genetics is a weird science that's not quite understood, and is mostly a crapshoot at the moment.

That being said, what caused it isn't important. What you do as far as self-care and helping her is. Obviously, you and your husband been trying to help her with all of the steps you've taken, and you've found this site, which also takes effort on your part.

Take care of yourself and forget about the blame game. All of you will be better for that. Move forward, not back.

Take care.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 09:08:50 PM by SkellyII » Logged
Tazzer4000
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« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2019, 11:35:19 PM »

Update: thanks for the supportive replies. Tonight was the first chance I had to read them as the day after I joined, my daughter was arrested at school for giving a bottle of xanax(that she got from a friend) to another friend who then handed them out to several other students. To top it off she had alcohol in a water bottle that she had been drinking. She is being sent to DYS facility for 6 months and I'm terrified for her. For more than a year we've been begging people to help us get her into a residential psychiatric facility before something like this happened and yet it has happened anyway. Frankly, I'm crushed and I don't know what to do or where to turn.

Also, yes I see my own therapist or I would most likely be insane by now and useless to everyone. As it is, I feel like I've failed my daughter and the rest of my family because this has happened.  I truly have no words right now.

Again, thanks to all who took the time to respond and I apologize for not getting back here sooner.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2019, 08:08:24 AM »

Hi Tazzer   

So, so sorry to hear your news, how absolutely devastating for you.   

I'm not familiar with your DYS. Are they recognising her mental health issues?

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Tazzer4000
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« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2019, 09:06:09 AM »

No, not at all. DYS is there term for juvenile detention. In other words, jail. We are angry and devastated by this. Still trying to figure out if we have any other options.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2019, 11:00:23 AM »

Hang in there Tazzer

Has anyone out there, reading this thread has been through similar, has advice?

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
No-One
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« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2019, 09:24:34 PM »


. . . my daughter was arrested at school for giving a bottle of xanax(that she got from a friend) to another friend who then handed them out to several other students. To top it off she had alcohol in a water bottle that she had been drinking. She is being sent to DYS facility for 6 months and I'm terrified for her.

. . .The last 2 years with her have been a nightmare for everyone in the home.
Her behaviors have continued to escalate even though she has been in counseling,  done intensive outpatient treatment, several inpatient hospitalizations, intensive in home therapy, and family counseling. She has gotten to the point of physical agression with everyone in the house.
Tazzer4000:
I'm sorry to hear that she was arrested and is in a juvenile facility. The authorities likely believe that money was changing hands with the Xanax. She made some poor choices that she has to take responsibility for (not you).  She has time to turn this around and hopefully get the criminal record sealed.   

It will probably take a few days to get things sorted out with the juvenile facility & perhaps a court date?  Have you been able to get in touch with someone at the facility to discuss your daughter's mental health? I'm thinking that you should end up with a contact to discuss her history.

They will likely address both her criminal behavior and mental health at the facility.  What other than BPD has your daughter been diagnosed with:  depression? anxiety? bi-polar? ADD/ADHD or other mental health issues?  Other than the illegal zanax and alcohol, has your daughter been prescribed any legal drugs, during attempts to treat her?

Maybe the current situation will present an opportunity.  It will be more of a "tough love" situation, that might motivate her (so she won't go back).  It won't likely be as pleasant as her prior courses of treatment.  I understand that you are terrified for her, but at the same time, it seems that your family is terrified of her. 

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Tazzer4000
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« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2019, 10:30:33 PM »

Hi, your observation are correct. She was diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder as well. She waived her right to an attorney and will be going to the juvenile facility tomorrow.  We met with the caseworker and spent 4 hours explaining her issues and how they effect her and the family. I'm not at all convinced they understand her mental health issues but they are willing to work with her on them. Her biggest problems will be 1. Refraining from being rude and mean when someone says or does something she doesn't like and 2. Accepting responsibility for her actions. I'm just hoping that she doesn't attempt to run away because that will lead to her being put in a more secure facility with tougher criminal elements.  This is a very stressful situation and I'm grateful for this site. Thanks.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #11 on: April 21, 2019, 02:30:45 PM »

Hard as it is I think you are on the right track setting boundaries. Have you read this? I found it really helpful.
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