I wonder if some of us are now too broken to recognize a healthy love

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333782.0

What an exceptional topic.  

Somewhere in the miasma of 30 years dealing with a BPD, 22 in marriage and 8 in divorce, I have lost the concept that there are "healthy relationships".  I am so jaded now as to question whether something like that exist at all, or if it exist it is unlikely to be found. Any relationships I ponder forming now seem more like standing in the road, facing down an oncoming truck and trying to decide which side of the road to leap.

I also wonder if some of us are now too broken to recognize a healthy love?  Everyone needs work, but those of us in long term relationships with BPD's are frozen in state, dealing with the overwhelming and constant emotional needs of the BPD, with no time or opportunity to fix ourselves, to grow, or to mature.

Is healthy love lost to us forever?

[bob88]

Mod note: This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333782.0

What an exceptional topic.  

Somewhere in the miasma of 30 years dealing with a BPD, 22 in marriage and 8 in divorce, I have lost the concept that there are "healthy relationships".  I am so jaded now as to question whether something like that exist at all, or if it exist it is unlikely to be found. Any relationships I ponder forming now seem more like standing in the road, facing down an oncoming truck and trying to decide which side of the road to leap.

I also wonder if some of us are now too broken to recognize a healthy love?  Everyone needs work, but those of us in long term relationships with BPD's are frozen in state, dealing with the overwhelming and constant emotional needs of the BPD, with no time or opportunity to fix ourselves, to grow, or to mature.

Is healthy love lost to us forever?

[Caco Canepa]

Bob 88 --

I can really empathize with that feeling and sensation. I've had two BPD marriages and am nearly a year separated from the last one. I'm feeling determined to not ever get so enmeshed with someone else again to the point of losing myself and losing control of my life to someone who could drive me so utterly into the gutter.

I'm resolved to maintain boundaries, and I'm curious to see how those will play out. I will have other intimate relationships, but I'm hesitant to call those "love" because love feels like a radioactive word to me, based on my experience. Maybe it's like how a recovered addict feels about just a teensy amount of alcohol or heroin — it would be so nice, but I'm afraid it would cloud my judgement and I'd jump right back into a destructive pattern.

At the same time — just recently a much older friend died of heart disease. He and his wife were a wonderful couple, a great example of what love could be between two awesome, kind, and functional people. His wife was devastated. At his celebration of life, she kept saying she would really wanted "twenty more years" with him. I could imagine him saying the same if she'd passed earlier. They had so much love between the two of them that it extended out and could embrace a whole community around them. I'm a much better person for being part of that community and yet ... I'm very sad that I have not been able to achieve that in my own love relationships.

It's what I wanted, badly. I wanted it badly enough that I put my trust and faith into the concept of love and entered into marriages with people who didn't respect my boundaries, and treated me with contempt. Because of fear of being alone, I've allowed mistreatment. I've had visions of being 90 years old, completely helpless, in a puddle of my own urine on the ground, with my wife standing over me and yelling and berating me for the mess I've made. I couldn't imagine my wife saying anything kind about me or wishing for 20 more years of me.

I don't begrudge people who have found good, supportive love. But I've had to learn to love myself first, and I've also had to learn to let go of the (expectation? hope?) that I'll have that One True Love with another person. Maybe it isn't for everyone. Should we learn to be OK with that? And how?

[MyBPD_friend]

After having experienced a BPD relationship I can strongly value and appreciate my healthy wife and our partnership.

I never ever want to get close to another BPD women. That mental illness is the worst I've had to deal with.

[Lucky Jim]

Is healthy love lost to us forever?

Hey bob88, No, I don't think so.  There are definitely kind and considerate people out there, as I can confirm.  When I first started dating again, I was  always waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting an emotional explosion.  That didn't happen, and slowly I realized that I could let my guard down and just be myself with romantic partners.  Nietzsche advised, "Become who you are," which I find to be sage advice.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

When I first started dating again, I was  always waiting for the other shoe to drop, expecting an emotional explosion.  That didn't happen, and slowly I realized that I could let my guard down and just be myself with romantic partners.

I share similar feelings I was too on edge in the beginning of dating again after being out of that scene for 10 years. I found dating much harder in the 10’s than in the 00’s but I think that has to do with my age group and maybe younger people don’t date but meet in different ways ie being with a group of friends at a party at university it takes that awkwardness out because you’re not really in a date but you can meet new people.

Anyways, it took time for the hyper vigilance to die down. I remember thinking how a r/s with a non would be after always being in edge with a pwBPD I didn’t think that I’d be able to handle the normalcy. I made some choices and some things if I had a chance to do them today I’d do ut different but I had fun too while dating.

It felt like like a milestone after all of the craziness from the last chapter of my life. Every one has their own definition about love what love meant to me after a pwBPD is healthy r/s skills, trust, intimacy, respect which feels very different than what I had, it feels authentic it’s not about one person trying to survive or struggling to function which in turn impacts r/s’s.

You’re different people with different support networks you both respect each other’s family’s and friends it doesn’t trigger your partner because you’re spending time with family. Having your own hobbies, doing things that you like and doing things together too.

If you ask me I don’t think it’s about not being able to function or brokenness it’s about having healthy r/s’s. You look for everything opposite of what a r/s is like with a pwBPD.

[Lucky Jim]

what love meant to me after a pwBPD is healthy r/s skills, trust, intimacy, respect which feels very different than what I had, it feels authentic it’s not about one person trying to survive or struggling to function which in turn impacts r/s’s.

Right,

Mutt

.  I think it's also about finding someone who is considerate and kind, which was something lacking in my BPD r/s.  Here's an example: after leaving my BPDxW, I dated someone for three years who was very thoughtful.  She would buy wine that she knew I liked in order to have a bottle on hand to share when I came over.  Maybe it was a little thing, but the small things can make a big difference and it demonstrated that she was thinking about me, which was so unlike my Ex.

LJ

[Starfire]

For me it was important to confide in the non-BPD people I was close to and use those non-romantic relationships as a model.  My brother, my best friend, one or two other people who care deeply about me and my happiness.  I had to let go my confusion and shame and tell them exactly what I had experienced, what I had learned in therapy, and then trust their advice about what "normal and healthy" is actually supposed to feel like.  Obviously, I didn't recognize it myself.  I've been in an amazing relationship with a sweet, emotionally healthy man for a few months now, and in the beginning, many times I found myself asking my best friend something like, "He's not really interested in me since he doesn't text me all day long, right?"  Then she'd laugh and explain how that's perfectly normal.

It takes work and time to make new habits (or unmake old ones) and learn new things.  It's just as true for love and romantic relationships.  Do the work and take the time and give yourself permission to enjoy that journey.

[hotncold]

I ask myself this question not because of my BPDex but because of my upbringing and the fact that kindness, empathy and thoughtfulness were completely foreign to me up until my thirties. My BPDex offered me a tiny drop of all that was missing in my emotional life and then withdrew it. It ruined me. I thought I finally had found something real. It was like I had just spent twenty years in the desert without a drop to drink and finally arrived at a dirty ditch with muddy water. It was magic. Then he told me I couldn't drink there anymore because I wasn't behaving the way he expected me to and replaced me with a doppelganger. I still do not gravitate towards people who are authentically kind and considerate. I have to be really conscious to cultivate those relationships and stay away from people who are draining and selfish. My instinct still pulls me towards the familiar (a$$holes). I never knew what healthy love was. This is really the hardest part.

[zachira]

Great question! I think most of us who grew up with a parent with BPD often felt we were unlovable and as adults struggle with attracting people who are similar to our parent with BPD to give us the love we never got. Later when we understand about BPD, we struggle with feeling worthy enough and having the skills to attract healthy love. It is also more difficult to attract a healthy partner as we grow older. In our teens and twenties the dating pool is mostly made up of healthy normal individuals. Every decade after that, the dating pool has more and more people with personality disorders and other red flags, and there are less people who are able to have a healthy relationship. The challenge is not to become too cynical and realize that we will likely have to work hard on being our best self while trying to find a healthy partner. One thing I have always noticed depending where I was in my journey, is how intimidating it can be to be around healthy individuals because they have boundaries, and many times I would exhibit some of the unhealthy behaviors learned from my family which I would get called on in one way or another. One of the biggest challenges for me in finding a healthy relationship
is knowing that I will not be idealizing a partner nor will he be idealizing me, and yes, I will be getting some uncomfortable feedback because nobody is perfect. 

[Copycat2018]

Hello,
This is an interesting conversation, because it focuses on us not BPD behavingpeople.

There is a reason why we got into a long term relationship with someone who no doubt others rejected and left.

We have a decision to make, stay in the relationship or move on. While this question is present in all realtionships to me in the relationship with my pwBPD is loaded with the history of my family where my father might have had some personality disorders, but my mom never even thought of leaving him, the commitment to a person, in marriage, the feeling of him being less capable thus needing protection, ...and a lot more.

Once a person gets out of the prisoncell, the task is to look for a different more balanced r/s. I would need a good therapist to teach me how to have that since my H remainds me and challenges me like my family used to.

I am really far from healthy, aren't I?

[Sluggo]

I guess I feel little cynical... probably because it has only been since 2016 I had left.  It just was such a difficult relationship I don't think I can see one that is normal. I have not been looking and not sure if I could say I would see a new relationship different than my 17 years of marriage.  I envision a future relationship with dread that when there will be disagreements as battle grounds of pain, rejection, and nervousness (all those feelings I had when she would explode and go days without talking or raging). 

It is great to see Lucky Jim and Mutt state they have experienced hope (as others) as I have followed your story on and off over the 8 years I have been on this site.