Left my husband: Did I do the right thing?

[littleblondie]

So this is a long story really but i’ll try to keep it short.
I believe my hubby has BPD, he hasn’t been diagnosed yet.
A week ago I left him because some of his behaviour was unacceptable. He is genuinely uwell. He has expressed extreme remorse and has sought treatment/medication/ counselling. He has been crying a lot and really wants to prove me to he can change.

So now I’m starting to doubt my decision. I need other people’s  opinions. He was lovely 95% of the time, kind, gentle, told me he loves me, cooked for me, drove me to work, told me I’m
Beautiful, supported me emotionally, bought my mum flowers, took my grandma to the doctors etc..

However he also did these things... road raged with me in the car, punched the door, head butted the wall, threatened to commit suicide and implied it would be because he didn’t want to be without me. Pressured  me to do sexual things that I didn’t want to, said f*ck you to me (twice) once via text and once to my face. He would also leave the house after an argument, slam the door and not answe my calls. One time he nearly hit me but punched the bed in which I was sitting instead.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi littleblondie,

i moved your thread to the Bettering board so you can work through the conflicting feelings and pros and cons here. the members on Detaching are all over a month out and working through the stages of grief.

what are the arrangements like? did you move out or did he?

has he just been in counseling for the week since you left?

[Harri]

Hi.  We can help you as you work through if this was the right thing for you to do.

It is hard when they are so good most of the time but then dysregulate so badly.   Getting in your face, punching the bed and walls are pretty serious things to deal with and I am glad he is expressing remorse and is getting help.   Even when people are getting help and are working on therapy, it takes a while for behaviors and thoughts patterns to really change.  Sometimes, people will start therapy but then quit when it gets too difficult.  I am not saying this to discourage you but to give you information so you can make a good decision.   We have seen some very difficult situations be turned around as well.

Let us know how you are doing.

[littleblondie]

Thank you for your replies. The house we live in is mine so I’m living there and he is staying with family.

We had problems getting him into counselling, not because he wasn’t compliant but we live in the UK and the NHS has a long waiting list. He has had a few counselling sessions over the last 4 weeks roughly. We are still awaiting a psychiatrist appintment, my hubby hasn’t actually been diagnosed with BPD yet but I’m 90% sure that’s what he has.

Since I’ve left he seems to have had a massive wake up call. He let his family ring the crisis team for him. He is taking to people online and face to face who have had similar problems. He seems determined to turn his life around.

He really wants us to stay together but says he understands that he pushed me away. He realises that he still  has a life to live even if I leave him. I am really relieved because I was expecting more suicidal messages but they haven’t happened yet. I hope they are not to come in the future bearing in mind it’s only been a week since we broke up.

[Harri]

Hi.  It is great that he is accepting things so far and not just in what he says but in changing his typical behaviors.   

He realises that he still  has a life to live even if I leave him.

This is also excellent. 

Keep us posted.

[SunandMoon]

Hi littleblondie

It's very sad what has happened and I'm glad you've reached out for support while you work through this with us.

Answering your thread title: "Did I do the right thing" of course is impossible for us. Only you know what is right for you. I'm assuming you listened to your gut and your instincts were telling you to get out.

The physical violence is bad and in situations like that, putting your safety first is the only reasonable action.

I know he didn't actually punch you. The fact that he punched the bed instead shows some executive control (in pulling short of actually hitting you) but the intent is there. As is the desire to scare you and intimidate you.

It is really promising that he recognises the problems and is willing to get help. However, as Harri says, change is difficult and usually takes a long time. There are bound to be slip ups along the way.

You have to ask yourself, if he is committed to change, are you willing to wait and support him? Are you prepared for all that the journey entails?

There are many skills you can learn that make living with a pwBPD easier. I have been with my BPD husband for 14 years and he fits many of the behaviours (good and bad) that you mentioned above. The early years were a nightmare.

But learning the communication skills taught on this site, having strong boundaries, and learning to be detached from the drama has made a huge difference to our marriage. So there is hope that it can work

It's not bad to be separated at the moment and there's no rush to make a decision right now. Perhaps it would help to view this as a temporary separation while you both sort things out. That might help him too, to view it that way.

It's excellent news that he realises he has to do this for himself - whether you reconcile or not.

[littleblondie]

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[Frankee]

I saw the subject of this thread and I had to read it.  I am in the process of leaving my husband.  I tried to leave him one and a half years ago.  As for the question whether or not you did the right thing, as SunandMoon said, only you can know if you did.

He has expressed extreme remorse and has sought treatment/medication/ counselling. He has been crying a lot and really wants to prove me to he can change.

So now I’m starting to doubt my decision.

However he also did these things... road raged with me in the car, punched the door, head butted the wall, threatened to commit suicide and implied it would be because he didn’t want to be without me. Pressured  me to do sexual things that I didn’t want to, said f*ck you to me (twice) once via text and once to my face. He would also leave the house after an argument, slam the door and not answe my calls. One time he nearly hit me but punched the bed in which I was sitting instead.

These things are almost identical to the things my husband did.  He had such amazing capability to be the most caring and thoughtful man.  He was also capable of such rage, such violence.  It didn't start out that way though.

They are also right.  If you suspect that he has BPD or some form of mental health issue dealing with emotions, it is going to be a very hard and long road. 

I know that he has not been physically abusive with you, but what you said in the posts is a red flag.  SunandMoon is right, taking a break to clear your mind is a very good thing you are doing.  If he is serious about changing and committed to getting help, you need to ask yourself if you are ready to take on the task of supporting him.

I found with my husband that he was very good at pressuring me to make serious choices about our relationship when I was not sure.  I found that a lot of soul searching and self love helped me on my path to get strong and know what I wanted. 

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, kindness, compassion, and real love.  It is okay to get angry and upset, but threatening the way that has been done is not okay.  Any choice you decide to make, please take serious consideration to your mental and physical well being first and foremost.

This forum has saved my sanity more times than I can count.  The people on here are wonderul and extremely supportive, no matter where you are on your journey.  Please keep posting, I know it greatly helped me.