BPD Red Flags Shortly After Meeting and How We Respond To The Red Flags

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am examining how people who turned out to have BPD showed signs of BPD right when I met them and how I responded got me enmeshed with him/her. I am referring to any kind of relationship with a BPD, friend or romantic. For example, I have know many people with BPD who had poor boundaries from the start, and I responded to him/her by having much loser boundaries than I normally do. I also noticed that those who turned out to have BPD disclosed endless personal information which was inappropriate for the amount of time we had known each other. Within a short time after meeting, I start to feel like I am walking on egg shells with people with BPD when I notice how he/she treats me according to the mood he/she is in. Please share your experiences and observations. I think most of us in this group want to trust again and have healthy relationships with friends and romantic partners, yet we don't always trust our internal radar which does show us that something is not quite right, by the behaviors of the person who turns out to have BPD and how we respond.

[zachira]

I am examining how people who turned out to have BPD showed signs of BPD right when I met them and how I responded got me enmeshed with him/her. I am referring to any kind of relationship with a BPD, friend or romantic. For example, I have know many people with BPD who had poor boundaries from the start, and I responded to him/her by having much loser boundaries than I normally do. I also noticed that those who turned out to have BPD disclosed endless personal information which was inappropriate for the amount of time we had known each other. Within a short time after meeting, I start to feel like I am walking on egg shells with people with BPD when I notice how he/she treats me according to the mood he/she is in. Please share your experiences and observations. I think most of us in this group want to trust again and have healthy relationships with friends and romantic partners, yet we don't always trust our internal radar which does show us that something is not quite right, by the behaviors of the person who turns out to have BPD and how we respond.

[once removed]

I also noticed that those who turned out to have BPD disclosed endless personal information which was inappropriate for the amount of time we had known each other.

what are some examples?

[Turkish]

I tend to be an over-sharer. I'm not BPD. I don't like to play games and beat around the bush though. 

In middle age, I've learned that you may need to,  the rest of my life being surrounded by and being attracted to those with poor boundaries. 

[zachira]

Once Removed,
Talking endlessly about highly personal stuff that a normal person would only disclose to someone he/she knows well or to a therapist like being sexually abused, like on a first date, is not appropriate.

[itsmeSnap]

Talking endlessly about highly personal stuff that a normal person would only disclose to someone he/she knows well or to a therapist like being sexually abused, like on a first date, is not appropriate.

This is a bid for connection. Remember that people with BPD do what we do, but on overdrive.

Here's a pop psychology article totally unrelated to BPD: 16 psychological tricks to make people like you (with notes by me from the pwBPD's perspective)

1. Copy the person you're with (as in, be what they like)
2. Spend more time around the people you're hoping to befriend (as in, constant contact, get mad you're not spending time with me)
3. Compliment other people ("the connection" people often point back to)
4. Try to display positive emotions (idealization does this on autopilot)
5. Be warm and competent (this is a maybe, but they can be)
6. Reveal your flaws from time to time (except all of them, at the same time, as soon as possible)
7. Emphasize shared values (or steal them from them, no inner sense of self right?)
8. Casually touch them (sex, great sex, sex immediately)
9. Smile (you're in love now, easy)
10. See the other person how they want to be seen (Idealization again but with extra mirroring)
11. Tell them a secret (or your whole traumatic youth, whatever is convenient)
12. Show that you can keep their secrets, too (this one I'm not sure, but its often about shared childhood traumas)
13. Display a sense of humor (this is common human behavior, your BPD's mileage may vary)
14. Let them talk about themselves (and their traumatic/codependent upbringing, easy)
15. Be a little vulnerable (be ALL of the vulnerable)
16. Act like you like them (well, you do like them, they fill their needs now, easy)

I think most of us in this group want to trust again and have healthy relationships with friends and romantic partners, yet we don't always trust our internal radar which does show us that something is not quite right, by the behaviors of the person who turns out to have BPD and how we respond.

Because we are also "desperately" seeking that connection.

Many members are codependent, saviors, fixers, empaths, people pleasers. we want to believe because it makes (made) us feel good about ourselves. We don't "trust" our intuition not because its wrong, but because we want to ignore them red flags for the sake of connection.

And what an intense connection it is.

I fell in love with my exgf because she allowed me to be romantic with her, I loved that she loved what I told her, I loved to get a reaction out of her, and I loved that she told me that she'd never felt like that before.

I don't know if it was true of she was just talking to get me, that's my own insecurity right there, but I loved every minute of that, and I do recognize now it had more to do with me and how I felt than with making her feel loved even if that was my "conscious goal".

It was over the top, she would play along, lead me to it, playing the damsel in distress, made me feel like a man, important and powerful, she would say "I love you have things figured out", but also made me feel caring, a protector, telling me about her terrible past and her troubled relationships, I thought "for sure I'd be the one to make it right".

And as perfect as she was then, she went straight to what she thought was my core: I'm not man enough, I'm worthless, I just needed attention and you sucker fell for it.

She missed by a mile with those, that's not were my self esteem was, I was (probably still am) insecure about her being truthful about her desire for me. I questioned her often on it, demanding "proof", "giving her a choice" (to leave basically), ended up pushing her away.

I know why I fell for her, and I don't regret it. I never got the worse of BPD (or maybe I minimized what I did get), worse she did was have sex with other men but even then we weren't exclusive, just felt hurtful that she would do it since she knew I hated cheating. We weren't exclusive, but we were seeing each other regularly.

Anyway, that's my experience. too much disclosure already?  that's how I fell for my BPD

[zachira]

Itsmesnap,
I have read your reply several times now and I finally am getting it. Yes, we and our BPD partners do the normal things in our bids for connection and then grossly exaggerate those things by oversharing and overdoing to make sure this person will really want us. It really is a dance with two people participating. Maybe a better question is what are my red flags because that is something we can work on as we cannot change our partner. This is a great list you have made. Thank you. The need for connection is so strong and those of us who have come from families that ignored our bids for connection through refusing to validate us leave us hungry for connection and vulnerable to attractions and relationships with people like our family members with BPD who seem to validate us in the beginning yet are really manipulating us into liking the image projected in the beginning which fades with time as the real person comes out behind the mask.

[once removed]

Maybe a better question is what are my red flags because that is something we can work on as we cannot change our partner
...
seem to validate us in the beginning yet are really manipulating us into liking the image projected in the beginning which fades with time as the real person comes out behind the mask.

is it manipulation, or both parties bidding for connection, relating in the way they know how, with unrealistic expectations and projections thrown in the mix?

is what fades in time a person coming out from behind a mask, or is it that in a bid for connection, we mistake intensity for intimacy...in that we think we know someone on a deep level, from deep conversation, but real trust and intimacy are built slowly over time?

i think that those things speak to how we respond to highly personal disclosures that may occur too fast, too soon. intensity, or really high chemistry at an early stage isnt necessarily a bad thing. but we have to see it for what it is. see our responses to it for what they are.

[zachira]

Once Removed,
I think you hit the nail on the head by saying that we mistake intensity for intimacy. There is no way a person we have just met loves us and feels deep affection as this takes time and getting to know someone deeply in different circumstances and seeing above all, how this person behaves when stressed or when we are not at our best. Our parents with BPD were very intense, and manipulated us by saying that their being upset with us was showing how much they loved us. When there is domestic violence in a relationship, there is indeed an ongoing cycle of intensity, either the violent stage or the honeymoon stage in which the perpetrator professes intense love for the victim. Those of us who were raised by a mother with BPD, often did not learn to be present and calm, because we did not have a parent that could be present with us and calm us down. The challenge for me has been to learn to be present while processing all the pain so I could enjoy being present without being tortured by all the past abuse. I am now able to enjoy being present and seeing others more realistically, though sometimes that means getting hurt because reality can be painful.
There certainly is no such thing as a perfect relationship, and we will get hurt at times, though a loving partner will take into consideration our well being and theirs as well most of the time when there is discord in the relationship.

[loyalwife]

The red flags for me, looking back were the shifts of emotion that my pwBPD showed early on in the relationship. The first stage was devoid of any negativity, but once I moved in with him and fell off the pedestal I can see how hard he was struggling to keep it all in. His eyes, literally changed from soft and relaxed, to wide open and intense.  I also saw an inability to focus on the present and that he spent most of his conversations reliving the past (or my past).  The outbursts were short and out of the blue. My father was still alive at the time, and because of a few things I'd intimately shared with my pwBPD he decided that he hated my dad. He'd completely ignore him, and here's a man dying. My dad made this observation "What kind of man is he?" I'd answer with "A good man that works hard etc. etc." It was obvious to my family, but I ignored them as I had fallen so deeply in love. And that connection might be what attracts us and keeps us when we know how unhealthy it is for us to be on a roller coaster of emotions that they dish out.

So the red flags were there, and I just ignored them and kept them a secret. Not much of a secret, because the rest of the world knew.

There certainly is no such thing as a perfect relationship, and we will get hurt at times

Absolutely. It may be the co-dependency part of me, or the caregiver; but there is an intense need to stay. Weighing the good days (hours) against the bad is incredibly tough. If I could go back to the early days of seeing the red flags, perhaps I wouldn't have hung my clothes in his closet, and high tailed it to the hills. I may have missed out on the most intense physical and emotional connection of my life, and as a result not learned as much about myself as I have staying in the crazy situation. BUT, that doesn't mean that we are stuck. I'd just like to have distanced myself from him early on, learned more about his reactions and decided then whether he was the one for me or not. Hindsight of course.