Timber I have a feeling this relationship is about to blow up.

[Notwendy]

I would feel the same way too. It would probably be a deal breaker for me too- not because I am controlling or judgemental, but because it doesn't align with my values for marriage.

Boundaries are a reflection of our values. Values are about how we behave- they are not about how someone else behaves. However, when someone violates our values, they determine how we react.

They are individual- so one person's values may not match someone else's. When we choose to marry someone- we choose the values that we want for marriage and someone who is compatible with those values.

That can include something like religion- some people want to marry someone of the same religion. It's important to them. So they don't date someone of a different religion and expect that person to change. Another person might not mind at all if their spouse didn't share the same religion. So - it's not about judging, controlling- it's about being honest with your values and living/choosing accordingly.

There is nothing wrong with how you feel about the clubbing. There also- to your wife- may be nothing wrong with how she feels about it. When you speak up- she feels judged by you. People don't like feeling judged as wrong.

Your values and how you speak about them reflect you- not her, so it helps to speak in term of "I" not "You".   If this is a deal breaker, then look at the differences between these two phrases:

"honey, I love you but I am not comfortable with the clubbing. This is not an activity that I feel is condusive to a good marriage in the long run"

vs

" A married woman your age should not be acting like a single girl in her 20's"

You decide the deal breaker" I would not be able to handle it if you stayed out all night. This would seriously harm the marriage for me".

The rest is up to her. She can consider this, but if she doesn't- then you need to follow up on your statement with actions. If boundaries are empty threats, they lose their meaning. 

[Ltahoe]

ya she knows I’m strongly against it. I think I’ll just bring it up in MC when I’m in an individual session see how T thinks we should go about things.

[Cat Familiar]

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