Divorcing my BPD/Narcissist - needing some help

[bluebirdie]

Hello all,
I am currently divorcing my husband.  We have been together for 6 years and have two amazing little boys, 2 & 4.  Without going to far into the nitty gritty, my husband (or ex? the divorce is not finalized) is verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive.  He has never hit me, but has implicitly threatened violence by throwing/breaking things, threatening to ‘burn this ___er to the ground’, etc.  He has no official diagnosis (though he told me one of his counselors had suggested he MAY have BPD), but he exhibits ALL traits of BPD and a vast majority of narcissistic personality.  I filed for divorce hoping, praying that we could resolve it somewhat respectfully but it man, was I stupid for even hoping that!  He has officially ‘split’.  I am enemy number 1.  We just had our temporary orders hearing a week ago and I still cannot wrap my head around the multitude of out-and-out lies he told (did I mention he is a lawyer?).  I feel so naive.  I didn’t think you could just tell lie after lie in a courtroom! 
He told the court I have been unfaithful, I have a’paramour’ in another state that I want to runaway with and take the children to.  There is ZERO truth to this - I have never been unfaithful and most certainly do not have some ‘lover’ in another state.  It’s totally insanity.  I think that, most likely, this is a projection.  He has ALWAYS been convinced that I’ve cheated on him (with absolutely no evidence or fodder for that belief).  He is so convicted about it that I believe it must be him who has or is cheating. 
He told the court that I am mentally unfit to be a mother.  He cited the fact that I have seen multiple counselors throughout our relationship - which is absolutely true.  I firmly believe in the helpfulness of counseling and attended it in hopes of bettering my life and our marriage.  He claimed that I secretly took medication for my mental health.  Which, crazily enough, I did take meds for depression/anxiety for the six months after our second child was born (it was prescribed by my doctor for postpartum depression - though I now believe it was simply depression from the abuse and isolation - things I did not recognize at the time) anyway, to the crazy part, he said I hid the meds from him, which I absolutely did not - he actually repeatedly asking me to get off the meds, even researched alternatives because he believed the meds were lowering my libido and he wanted to have more sex.  I acquiesed.  I wish I wouldn’t have.
I could types PAGES of the lies he told.  But what really gets me is how he put my ability to be a good mother into question.  Prior to the divorce, I made all decisions regarding the boys.  I decided their schools (I am a teacher and now director of a preschool).  I got jobs at the schools they went to because I knew that these schools were providing the BEST education around based on brain and child development science.  I took the sick days off with them, I took them to the doctors, I packed lunches, breastfed, stayed up with them when they couldn’t sleep, did the laundry, cooked breakfast and dinner, took them to the park, arranged play dates, I did it ALL!  I still do it all.  It’s wild because, since he has been out of the house (about 3 months now), my to-do list, my responsibilities haven’t changed at all.  I still do it all, and I am just grateful that he is no longer here to follow me around and tell me how I should do it differently.  I have done and continue to do 90% of the raising of our children.  Prior to divorce, he trusted my jusgment, told me how amazing I was for the boys, was so grateful they had me as a mom.  Now he has done a 180.
Anyway, he painted such a terrible picture of me in court.  He strategically plants lies and seeds of doubt and now I feel caught in reacting, defending.  He is an excellent lawyer and he does not stop until he wins.  The judge has ordered a custody evaluation of us both - thank god I have a lawyer who understands his BPD/narcissism.  She was able to debunk many of the lies he told...but I am terrified.  Terrified of the lies he will tell to the custody evaluator, terrified they will be believed (he is SO convincing! So charming! And soo sneakily manipulative.  I feel like I am being forced to play a game that I just don’t know how to play.  I am a person of integrity, of moral conscience.  I do not tell lies, I do not have the desire to watch another person burn.  How do I get through this?  How do I protect myself and my children?  I am terrified that he will find a way to have them taken from me (this man who has NEVER had sole responsibility for them for more than 48 hours).  I am terrified that, given too much time with him without me there to protect them they will either become the newest recipients of his anger and abuse and/or become just like him.  Any advice, any help, would be greatly appreciated

[livednlearned]

Hi bluebirdie,

Oof. Divorcing a lawyer can make you nuts.

Is your ex representing himself?

My ex uBPD/NPD was a former trial attorney and having a disordered spouse with knowledge of the legal system does bring some additional curve balls to the divorce process. Some of those curve balls can end up working in your favor, oddly enough. At least they did for me.

Are you in a state where there are alienation of affection laws? There are 4 in the US I believe. If so, then he is hoping to show you had an affair so that he doesn't have to pay alimony. If he has no proof, then it's just cage rattling to intimidate you. I know it's hard to ignore the lies but if I could go back and have a do-over, I wish I could dial down the anxiety, especially in those early months.

Also, no court cares of you took medication or saw a therapist. In fact, courts seem to love counseling. In fact, in my experience, the judge took offense to any suggestion that counseling or medication was a weakness.

Will your custody evaluation involve an MMPI-2? It's an objective test that is designed to identify when someone is "presenting falsely" like you are concerned your ex might do.

Last, just because you find your ex convincing doesn't mean that other people do. I have learned in the years since leaving my marriage that what I thought was charm and the ability to lie through his teeth was also my blind spot I brought to the relationship. Just because I had that blind spot didn't mean others were easily duped.

Keep posting here -- people who supported me here changed my life. Not just helping me figure out what was happening in a legal sense but also helping me to find my way on a path that many others have traveled. You can save yourself time, money, and worry learning from others who are here to walk with you.

LnL 

[Turkish]

I asked my therapist if it would look bad in court if I were in therapy and he replied, "your ex abandoned therapy. That you stuck with it demonstrates character."

[bluebirdie]

Thank you for the insight! 

Unfortunately, he’s hired a lawyer and she’s a pretty tough cookie. Mine is, too, though, and I trust her.   I wish he would have represented himself.  I could see that going south quickly for him.  My state is not an ‘at-fault’ state, so there’s really no point to him painting me as a cheater other than to discredit my character/morality. 

I can only imagine all of the things he will bring up to the custody evaluator but I am hopeful that the personality test will reveal some of his stuff.  I’m also hopeful that the testing as well as the evaluator will see that I am actually a pretty normal person, and definitely a decent one.  It’ll certainly show that I am a good mom.  I just don’t see how he could skew reality so much to this experienced person that they’d buy into it.  (Hopefully these are not famous last words, ).

And I think, after time, many of the people who have ‘bought in’ to his lies and story of me will see what’s true.  I think many of them, particularly his family, know what’s true but they are either unwilling to stop enabling him or unwilling to stand up to him and be in his official line of fire.  The only people’s opinions I’m worried about are the judge’s and the evaluator’s.  Thankfully, I have an amazing support group here.  Really good, conscientious folks that are lifting me up amidst all the crazy, even if they don’t totally understand what it’s like to be with and then divorcing someone like him.

What’s bonkers is that, after our hearing, he’s been texting a lot of kind stuff, offering to bring me groceries, bring me sweets (I love sweets ), talking about how the rest of the divorce doesn’t have to be contentious, he wants us to be friends, wants our boys to see we love each other.   All I feel for him right now is hate, anger, a deep sadness.  And I know this is just a phase because he feels that he won in court the other day.  I know that as soon as he feels I’ve slighted him, or as soon as he sees me happy and living a good life, he’ll be on the warpath again. 

Does your ex still take you to court often (my lawyer told me these personality types will often take you back to court over and over for custody stuff)?  I hate that he could do that.  I hate that he still has some ‘power’ in that way.

[livednlearned]

Does your ex still take you to court often (my lawyer told me these personality types will often take you back to court over and over for custody stuff)?  I hate that he could do that.  I hate that he still has some ‘power’ in that way.

The good news is that my ex is out of my life. The bad news is that he did take me to court over and over for the better part of 5 years. The judge filed a gatekeeping order at one point, and unfortunately that gatekeeping order fell apart under the weight of bureaucracy so it did little except to validate that my ex was aggravating me over nothing.

It's painful for someone with a weak sense of self to lose face so expect that the pain will be expressed in ways that equal his agony. My ex wanted the court to teach me a lesson, and he saw himself as part of their team. He also loved to litigate and stand up there and say all kinds of odd things. He even had me read an email he wrote until the judge stopped him and said, "Mr. n/BPDx, it is evident that LnL can read. What's the purpose of having her read words you've written?"

Don't let the court stuff distract you from focusing on your kids. I highly recommend Don't Alienate the Kids (also by Bill Eddy) and Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak. There is also good stuff written by Dr. Craig Childress, especially the jujitsu parenting article:

www.drcachildress.org/asp/admin/getFile.asp?RID=63&TID=6&FN=pdf

I recovered from the legal nonsense but the parental alienation and other pathological parenting behaviors that ex used with our son has had lasting damage. You can do a lot to make sure your kids are resilient when one parent is suffering from a personality disorder but you have to make sure this stuff doesn't rent space in your head and take over your nervous system. I started to meditate like my life depended on it and took self care to a whole new level so that I could model for my son the presence of mind needed to fight for his own place in this world, one that wasn't distorted by his dad's reality.

[ForeverDad]

My lawyer stated, "Courts love counseling."  He was talking about counseling for my then-preschooler but the same perspective applies to the parents too.  Counseling can be described as help to aid you in maintaining objectivity and helping recovery from a troubled marriage.  You can easily spin it as a positive.

He has never hit me, but has implicitly threatened violence by throwing/breaking things, threatening to ‘burn this **********er to the ground’, etc.  He has no official diagnosis (though he told me one of his counselors had suggested he MAY have BPD), but he exhibits ALL traits of BPD and a vast majority of narcissistic personality.  I filed for divorce hoping, praying that we could resolve it somewhat respectfully but it man, was I stupid for even hoping that!  He has officially ‘split’.  I am enemy number 1...

He told the court I have been unfaithful...  There is ZERO truth to this...  It’s totally insanity.  I think that, most likely, this is a projection.  He has ALWAYS been convinced that I’ve cheated on him (with absolutely no evidence or fodder for that belief).  He is so convinced about it that I believe it must be him who has or is cheating.

The week I separated (I called police) the conflict ramped up.  There was no way to avoid that.  I had no other choice.  Anyway, while I was on line with the 911 person, she snatched the handset, hung up on the call and threw it toward me.  It broke into pieces.  Since I wasn't hit I can't prove I was her target.  Some other members mentioned that breaking things in the home while raging is DV, I guess implied threats, and the raging person can be arrested for that.  My county never pursued that but I've read some here remarking it is 'actionable'.

That was when my ex too permanently painted me Evil.  How dare I expose her behaviors!  She had to do anything and everything to paint me as behaving worse than her.  She made endless allegation for 4-5 years and over time her credibility was weakened.  However, I had documentation, she only had wild allegations, though she was quite convincing in her emotional blaming.

Also, most states don't care WHY the marriage failed.  No Fault means their sole goal is to unwind the marriage somewhat equitably and with assurance that the best interests of the children are implemented in the court orders.

Do not blame yourself that the conflict has surged.  You had no choice, not if you were to cease appeasing him.  BPD is a mental disorder where you the target have no power to choose a good solution.  Well, except the ability to choose to get off the roller coaster before it went off the end of the tracks.  The Right Choice was to do what you just did, seek a legal solution.  Yes, you're still faced with finding a way to parent without enabling him, but at least the adult connection (relationship) will have been ended.  By getting a solid custody and parenting order you'll be in a much better framework than before.

Courts and the agencies advising court do not have any interest in seeking or declaring a diagnosis.  Well, maybe in some murder trials?  Be aware that using the claim, "he has traits of BPD (or one of the other Cluster B acting-out disorders)", will likely fail.  They will look at us as though we're Playing Doctor and are unqualified to do that.  My conclusion was that court and others studiously avoid seeking a diagnosis.  Who knew they were tap dancers? They are not there to fix parents, merely to address the issues and deal with the parents as they are.  Expect them to largely ignore all but the worst ("actionable") behaviors, at least at first.  They figure most parents are sensitized in the early stages of divorce and driven by high emotions that they expect to fade over time.  They don't want to cast our high conflict cases as not following that expected course. Over time they will note our reasonableness and the practical solutions we advocate versus the conflict and obstruction by the disordered parent. Observation:  We are wise to have the same perspective and goals for the divorce process.

One of the difficult issues with parenting after a divorce is how to minimize the risk of us being obstructed or blocked until the ex gets what he/she wants.  Courts generally assume post-marriage cooperation, an immense problem in our cases where obstruction, blocking and sabotage are the typical behaviors.

Temp orders... .It's not that hard for a parent to get temp custody, especially a mother in a court where mothers get default preference.  My ex did and all she had to say was "I work from home."  She wasn't asked whether or why I had temp possession of the home because she had a Threat of DV case pending against her.  She also didn't mention she she was earning only about $150-$200 per month with her MLM business.  Sadly for me, the court was not interested in changing the temp order and it was two years before the Final Decree improved things.

Final orders... .Most of us had to start with joint custody.  Courts prefer that since supposedly neither parent is made to feel an outsider or loser.  (However, if your ex is willing to grant you full custody, a court is unlikely to nullify such a choice.)  So, how to make joint custody workable and practical?  Can you try for Decision Making or Tie Breaker status?  Both are still joint custody (satisfying the court's aim to avoid making a parent feel left out) but in practical ways it is virtual sole custody in practice.  You either ask or notify the other parent and after pondering the response you can proceed with your decision.  No waiting for months for court or a professional to render an opinion or decision of the matter.  With DM or TB you get to proceed as needed while it's up to the ex to decide whether to oppose your decision by taking it to the court or the appropriate professional.

[worriedStepmom]

My advice is to document, document, document, document.  Keep a journal where you log EVERYTHING - appointments for the kids, children's activities and which parent(s) showed up, every time you went to therapy, every time your ex sees or talks to the kids, any out-of-the-ordinary behavior that you see from your kids (especially near the times they interact with their dad), and every single interaction that you have with your ex, no matter how small.

This information will come in handy one day. 

One of my friends divorced a dxNPD spouse.  He lies through his teeth in court, even about innocuous things.  She's kept such good documentation that her lawyer is able to call up emails or phone call transcripts and prove that he's lying on many issues.  The judge has noted her ex's lack of credibility.  My friend has also reached out to her ex's family and mutual friends and asked for their help.  These people have offered support and documentation for her custody battle - and in two different cases, her exH's ex girlfriends contacted her and provided information about him and his lies.

Your oldest child is old enough for play therapy.  If you see that she's doing poorly with the divorce or because of having to deal with dad, work to get her into therapy.  The therapist will not only help her learn coping mechanisms, they can also be a good resource during the custody case if they see issues related to the other parent.

[worriedStepmom]

Also, my friend's NPD ex is a master at making her doubt her parenting abilities.  He frames all his digs and slights as being concerned about what's best for the children, and a stranger reading one or two of his emails might believe that.  Taken as a whole, it's a terrifying study of psychological abuse. 

In round 3 of their custody battle, my friend's new and much more aggressive lawyer got all of the emails into the court record.  The judge was incensed and threatened to take custodial time away from the ex if he continued to send those types of emails.  The sustained psychological abuse impacts her parenting and her ability to remain neutral about him in front of the kids - she's terrified of him.  I'm so glad the judge recognized that she isn't the problem - he is.  I hope that the judge in your case will also figure this out quickly.

In the meantime:
You are not a bad mother.

You are not a bad mother.

You are a good mother.

If you have to, write that out and stick it on mirrors all over your house.  I did that, along with some other affirmations, and made myself read them out loud a few times a day.  It really made a difference in my attitude towards everything.

[whirlpoollife]

My divorce was lengthy too from an aspd (antisocial personality ) and  Npd.  But don't let that make you doubtful just don't expect it to over in six months as I did.  Mentally prepare yourself.
With stbxh, soon to be ex husband, out of the house you are already gaining strength.  Maybe ask your L, lawyer, if you can change the locks.  So he can't come in when you are not there and take anything of importance ...financial , house , car title papers. 
Make a list of everything you do for the kids, which is everything like I did for mine too, but really detail it.  Clothing , dressing, bathing, food prep, school, dr appts, daycare...to show that you are the primary caregiver.   It might help later in court.  I wasn't interested in child support I just didn't want to loose my kids entirely because my xh portrayed me as being mentally unfit , cheating , lazy etc. And I had to prove otherwise.
The help I received here was amazing . Post , ask questions.

[Copycat2018]

Hi,
I am just responding to the original post, i have just seen it.

It is understandable how things turned out in general , you being a teacher, upholding the values as you describe them and not familiar with the twists and turns of manipulation that your husband is so knowledgeable of.

The divorce is a good thing since i do not see how he would change.
You are doing the hard but responsible thing for your sons.
First of all you are showing them that a lot of what their father stands for is not acceptable. They are watching and learning.

You are only responsible for your part, doing what you can do. Your children have a personality of their own and they will make out of all this what they make. You can not influence it more then doing what you are describing here you are doing: being who YOU are, doing what you can at the best of your abilities.

You are evaluating this correctly, this is a ride you are unfamiliar with and at the end of it you will not be the same person.

I hope you will put up all the fight you can
And wish you good luck, sincerely!

[ForeverDad]

My divorce was lengthy too from an aspd (antisocial personality ) and Npd.  But don't let that make you doubtful just don't expect it to over in six months as I did.  Mentally prepare yourself.

So true.  My lawyer estimated my divorce at 7-9 months.  From filing to final decree it was 23.5 months.  She happened to get mother default preference in the "temp" order and she had every incentive to delay as much as she could.  Around here the typical estimate for a high conflict divorce case is 1 to 2 years and in some cases even longer.

Maybe ask your L, lawyer, if you can change the locks.  So he can't come in when you are not there and take anything of importance ...financial , house , car title papers.

If your spouse is living elsewhere and a divorce case has been filed then most likely his residence is considered in his possession and your residence is considered in your possession.  Of course laws vary from state to state for jointly owned property and so get legal advice on how to establish boundaries and separate his home turf from your home turf.  This isn't to say neither of you can visit the other's residence but it is not unreasonable to have a boundary that you require advance notice and/or permission.

Also, on the decision whether to change locks, a saying regarding court may apply, "It is easier to ask for forgiveness then get permission."  So if your lawyer says "You can't do that yet" then you can ask "What if I've already changed the locks?"  That will help identify what is officially a No-No and what can be done with little risk of consequences.

Another consideration, if the kids are there and you're not, would the kids let your stbEx in?

[StillHopeful73]

I feel your pain Bluebirdie. Though I went through the court system a long time ago my ex did the same thing as far as lying. Saying I was unfaithful and that I lied about the finances even though out of the two of us I was the only one that provided proof through bank statements etc. My only saving grace is that he had issues with money otherwise I’m certain we would be in and out of court constantly.

 It kind of blows your mind that they can lie so blatantly and so easily, but sadly I think they often truly believe it which is why they are so passionate about it. In any case it is unfortunate that your ex is a lawyer but it sounds like you are doing all the right things and that you have a great support system in place.

I’m with worriedstepmom on documenting absolutely everything. His lies will always catch up with him at some point.

Also be strong and continue to not let his niceness deter you. Maybe he realizes you have the upper hand on many levels and is trying to win you over. Or maybe it’s part of his game. Regardless keep doing what you’re doing.

And lastly it is so much harder when they’re that young. My daughter was 1 when we split. I was terrified of my ex eventually being alone with her (we had a graduated visitation schedule due to the physical assault so that at least helped a bit). But  each year they get older makes it easier. If your ex hasn’t been alone with them much is your lawyer pursuing a graduated visitation schedule?