Me and my kids - refugees in a hotel now

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

BPD-husband’s anger and rage boiled over this morning ‘till he became unusually verbally abusive and shouting.  It was *before* the kids were to go to school and he left in a dramatic huff — telling our kids that he was not going to come back and making it seem as if it was for all the world - their fault — or at least our autistic daughter’s fault.  I tried calling him and he said he was “done with the talking thing” and also added he was not returning to any therapy — including any for the kids or for his new DBT therapy (and he made it seem as if “I have no problems — only our autistic daughter...”  *grumble, grumble

I was in shock

But worse was that —  I now had two traumatized kids crying as if someone had died and as of their hearts were truly broken

Mine was too - on their behalf

But I was also angry.  I had seen all this before — when he left us the day before Halloween — one of the kids’ favorite holidays.  In that case — I had done something that he felt justified in being angry at me for (we were separating at the time and it was complicated to say the least — but I felt very guity for his rage — though in retrospect — I was carrying way-too-much gullt for his rage and our kids did *not* deserve to be abandoned like that — no matter how angry he was at me!)

In any case - I didn’t know how I would get my kids to school when they were crying as if their favorite pet just died — or maybe more like their parent had just broken their hearts

He deigned to return briefly, scapegoated our autistic child some more (which I did say was “not okay” — I *had* to - he was out of control!) and then he left again and with our kids seriously believing he was not coming back and with me thinking he was quitting all therapy

The kids were already late for school and in tears.  Upon his return *again* — they seemed to feel slightly better though hiccuping tears and visibly shaken.  He grudgingly took them to school  upon his surly return — as I was not ready during my frantic peacekeeping duties and I was chewing nails wondering if it was even safe for him to do that and didn’t feel okay till I verified that the kids were safe at school. 

I went upstairs and burrowed under blankets and just cried and cried

Then I tried to reach out for help and support and was shocked to realize how isolated I had become while our family had been treading water... the few friends we do have — have been basically fed a fairy tale that “everything is fine” and I’ve basically had *crickets* in terms of any pragmatic or moral support.

But I still persevered and looked up resources and considered what to do.  I truly did not think my BPD-husband was returning home - as he was shouting at me that he was not and I believed him! 

Then I got a text out of nowhere — he was apologetic and contrite — sort of... it was a brief note of apology about how he wants a family after all and that he was returning home after all.  For whatever reason — the idea of his returning again gave me the shakes and made me nervous and scared. 

So that being said...

Well we are in a hotel room for tonight.  I’m not sure if I’m ready to go “home” tomorrow or not... not really - but I’m not sure where we would go

But it has been a job and a half just getting kiddos settled and through their homework and such — so I’ve not had much time to think how genuinely *weird* it is to feel like a fugitive from my own home

We came here because of what my BPD-husband  said this morning and how he said he wasn’t coming back and made some serious threats.  And then he *changed his mind* and decided he wanted a family after all and was coming home.  But by that time — I was already packing kids clothes and medications and writing my BPD husband a note and fleeing from home.  He took it better than I expected when he discovered the note and with us gone and he sounds contrite — but I’m not sure if I’m buying it.  We went on spring vacation last year without my BPD-Husband because of his temper and how he was absolutely foul and angry towards our kids leading up to spring break and more and more - I knew we needed a break from him.  At the time, I rationalized his particularly evil temper and his angry shouting matches with our kids on his upcoming cancer scan (he was free  of disease and remains so now - though I can understand why the scans feel scary for him!) and of course he was all smiles and rainbows when he returned from the hospital - but continued to be foul tempered the next day.   And I was certainly convinced that it must have been the stress from his upcoming scan that made for all that extra stress.  But now I don’t know if I believe that anymore.  True — it absolutely *is* true that my BPD husband  is far more likely to lose his temper when he has an upcoming cancer scan.  But he’s angry when he doesn’t get along with someone at work.  And he claimed this morning’s angry outburst was due to our autistic daughter becoming stubborn supposedly just as his back hurt.  If back pain is now being used as an excuse to become wildly abusive — we simply just need to be away from this man.(or at least that’s my feeling just now — I feel things have transcended from just barely hanging on to the wheels being broken off that buggy.  What he is doing is abusive towards our kids.  I can not tolerate it anymore.  I don’t even feel our kids can tolerate it anymore!)

[Eleven011]

BPD-husband’s anger and rage boiled over this morning ‘till he became unusually verbally abusive and shouting.  It was *before* the kids were to go to school and he left in a dramatic huff — telling our kids that he was not going to come back and making it seem as if it was for all the world - their fault — or at least our autistic daughter’s fault.  I tried calling him and he said he was “done with the talking thing” and also added he was not returning to any therapy — including any for the kids or for his new DBT therapy (and he made it seem as if “I have no problems — only our autistic daughter...”  *grumble, grumble

I was in shock

But worse was that —  I now had two traumatized kids crying as if someone had died and as of their hearts were truly broken

Mine was too - on their behalf

But I was also angry.  I had seen all this before — when he left us the day before Halloween — one of the kids’ favorite holidays.  In that case — I had done something that he felt justified in being angry at me for (we were separating at the time and it was complicated to say the least — but I felt very guity for his rage — though in retrospect — I was carrying way-too-much gullt for his rage and our kids did *not* deserve to be abandoned like that — no matter how angry he was at me!)

In any case - I didn’t know how I would get my kids to school when they were crying as if their favorite pet just died — or maybe more like their parent had just broken their hearts

He deigned to return briefly, scapegoated our autistic child some more (which I did say was “not okay” — I *had* to - he was out of control!) and then he left again and with our kids seriously believing he was not coming back and with me thinking he was quitting all therapy

The kids were already late for school and in tears.  Upon his return *again* — they seemed to feel slightly better though hiccuping tears and visibly shaken.  He grudgingly took them to school  upon his surly return — as I was not ready during my frantic peacekeeping duties and I was chewing nails wondering if it was even safe for him to do that and didn’t feel okay till I verified that the kids were safe at school. 

I went upstairs and burrowed under blankets and just cried and cried

Then I tried to reach out for help and support and was shocked to realize how isolated I had become while our family had been treading water... the few friends we do have — have been basically fed a fairy tale that “everything is fine” and I’ve basically had *crickets* in terms of any pragmatic or moral support.

But I still persevered and looked up resources and considered what to do.  I truly did not think my BPD-husband was returning home - as he was shouting at me that he was not and I believed him! 

Then I got a text out of nowhere — he was apologetic and contrite — sort of... it was a brief note of apology about how he wants a family after all and that he was returning home after all.  For whatever reason — the idea of his returning again gave me the shakes and made me nervous and scared. 

So that being said...

Well we are in a hotel room for tonight.  I’m not sure if I’m ready to go “home” tomorrow or not... not really - but I’m not sure where we would go

But it has been a job and a half just getting kiddos settled and through their homework and such — so I’ve not had much time to think how genuinely *weird* it is to feel like a fugitive from my own home

We came here because of what my BPD-husband  said this morning and how he said he wasn’t coming back and made some serious threats.  And then he *changed his mind* and decided he wanted a family after all and was coming home.  But by that time — I was already packing kids clothes and medications and writing my BPD husband a note and fleeing from home.  He took it better than I expected when he discovered the note and with us gone and he sounds contrite — but I’m not sure if I’m buying it.  We went on spring vacation last year without my BPD-Husband because of his temper and how he was absolutely foul and angry towards our kids leading up to spring break and more and more - I knew we needed a break from him.  At the time, I rationalized his particularly evil temper and his angry shouting matches with our kids on his upcoming cancer scan (he was free  of disease and remains so now - though I can understand why the scans feel scary for him!) and of course he was all smiles and rainbows when he returned from the hospital - but continued to be foul tempered the next day.   And I was certainly convinced that it must have been the stress from his upcoming scan that made for all that extra stress.  But now I don’t know if I believe that anymore.  True — it absolutely *is* true that my BPD husband  is far more likely to lose his temper when he has an upcoming cancer scan.  But he’s angry when he doesn’t get along with someone at work.  And he claimed this morning’s angry outburst was due to our autistic daughter becoming stubborn supposedly just as his back hurt.  If back pain is now being used as an excuse to become wildly abusive — we simply just need to be away from this man.(or at least that’s my feeling just now — I feel things have transcended from just barely hanging on to the wheels being broken off that buggy.  What he is doing is abusive towards our kids.  I can not tolerate it anymore.  I don’t even feel our kids can tolerate it anymore!)

[Ozzie101]

What a scary, awful thing to go through. I'm sorry!

Have you had a chance to give much thought to what you want to do now? I know you've been frustrated with the legal system before but I'm trying to remember if you've talked to a domestic violence agency. What you've described does qualify as verbal and emotional abuse. They can provide some assistance.

[Eleven011]

I am calling the shelter as I don’t feel safe going back.  I don’t even feel my kids are safe — which is rather the point

I’m trying to find out what my options are — and I don’t care if I have zero financial security myself or if it’s “fair” or whatever.  But as these are children of a father who is a senior person at a very well known company and with a very high salary — I hope I can at least get minimum legal protections such that he doesn’t just try to abandon our kids — and I had a reasonable fear of this as I witnessed the painful reality of his abandoning his kids from a previous marriage because he “couldn’t separate the kids from the romantic relationship” — I wanted to run when he finally admitted that to me later on — but by then, I was the one being brutalized by his anger and abuse and our kids were suffering collateral damage from all that!  I felt as if my hands were tied for the longest time.  I don’t know why I felt so trapped — except that I bought into the false belief that if I left — that he would make sure that we suffered even *more* than we were already suffering.  But I came to the conclusion that we probably can’t be suffering more than we were when we were living with him and suffering the fallout of his many mood swings. 

But now — I guess I feel it’s a bit too late for delicate negotiatons and walking on eggshells.  It was too late five years ago really!  I knew that really — but I kept thinking that I could land the plane more gracefully so as not to make things worse for my kids.  But every time I turned around — it was always a new emergency... as if he was setting new fires faster than I could put them out.

[Ozzie101]

I'm glad you're calling the shelter. Safety for you and your children is really key here. Please keep us posted on what happens and how things go!

[Cat Familiar]

every time I turned around — it was always a new emergency... as if he was setting new fires faster than I could put them out.

Wow, do I ever know exactly what you're talking about there! Same thing with my first husband. It was almost like clockwork. If things were somehow miraculously going along smoothly, in no time, he'd create a crisis.

I'm glad you're seeking help with the shelter. It's just so stressful to live the way you've been living.   

[AskingWhy]

Eleven, I can only echo what others have said her, and say I am glad you did not hesitate to go to a shelter and protect your children.