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Author Topic: What to do about cell phone  (Read 384 times)
scraps66
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Relationship status: Separated 9/2008, living apart since 1/2010
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« on: March 20, 2019, 08:13:00 AM »

Currently struggling with cell phone control and rule enforcement.  This has been the case really ever since S14 got a phone, the first was a hammedown iPhone with full access.  ExwNPDBPD moved him up to a brand new iPhone last summer.  He has full access on the phone, internet, Netflix, YouTube, you name it. 

With his old phone, I had the code to gain access and reviewed his text messaging and search history regularly.  Progressively his usage got worse and more inappropriate up to last October.  I found porn on the phone.  Along with many very concerning text threads of disrespectful behavior toward girls, wide spread use of profanity in texting, inappropriate sexual content and the fact that he was watching things like Breaking Bad, I disabled internet on his phone. 
Incidentally I had also seen some intel on mom’s behavior that was incriminating to mom.  I showed these to mom and no doubt this is one reason mother wanted to prevent me from accessing his phone.  One of S14’s texts had to do with a girl at school he was having problems with, a girl he called “the blond b!tch.”  Mother was reported as getting drunk one night and told S14 that she was going to call the girls mother and tell her that the girl was a psycho. 
 
So, S14 goes to mom’s house and she finds out I’m in “control” of the phone and “doing things that she is not aware of.”  Nothing said about S14’s use of the phone.  This was all about what “I” was doing without her permission.  S14 too became empowered telling me that it didn’t matter what I did that he would get his way in the end even if it meant going behind my back.  So mom asks me for the code to the phone.  I ask “why do you need that?  What are you doing?”  No answer.  I then receive an e-mail stating that she “bought the phone” and I’m not allowed to take control.  I focus on S14’s behavior.  She’s not having it.  Incidentally, S14 was chirping the very same things mother was about who owned the phone.  Mother goes and changes the code for the phone and does not give it to me.  Now S14 does not feel he has to relinquish his phone to me.
Before this, when S14 got the new phone, mom made a list of rules.  Mom made, I ask for a copy.  The rules did not include any of my input and were written as if mother had supreme control over the phone.  So I revise the rules and send them back and tell mother S14 should sign them.  No acknowledgement from mother.  I only told mother about having him sign the cell phone rules.  S14 would tell me, about the rules, “well, I didn’t sign them.”  So, from the point I revised the rules and sent them back, mother wanted nothing to do with enforcing any of the rules, even hers.  It became one more thing she would overlook “to provide” for S14.   

This was October 2018.  What I’ve noticed is that S14s behavior plummets when things like this happen.  Last time was when we went to a second round of coparent counseling three years ago. 

So now, I have no way of checking S14s phone usage.  He still has things like Netflix on his phone and I have no reason to think that mother polices his phone at all. 

S14 has become increasingly reliant on his phone for stimulation.  He is socially challenged and no doubt lacks self-esteem but will not admit these are issues and maybe just does not have the tools to recognize he has issues.  He spends entirely too much time on his phone.  Basically it’s as if he is on his phone 100% of the time he is not in school.  A typical weekend has him in the house all weekend split between his computer, playing a little guitar and watching his phone an inordinate amount of time.

I have no way of policing his phone right now.  I have no way of accessing his phone and it concerns if not scares me of how it would look for me if something was to happen that could have been avoided had I been monitoring his phone.  S14 knows I am powerless right now.  My only thought has been to keep his phone from him when he leaves from school, and demand mother give me the code.  But that would be a short-lived solution because mother would just change the phone code and not tell me.  My other option was to simply smash the phone to pieces.     

How do others deal with the cell phone drama?  My fear of going back to court would be that they would drag S14 into court and ask him who he wanted to live with and the answer wouldn’t be good for him. 
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livednlearned
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2019, 09:11:25 AM »

This may not apply to his phone if he's using data ... and it isn't a solution for the bigger picture. In our house we have a Netgear router and I can control Internet access to devices from my phone using the Netgear app. S17's issue was staying up late after I had gone to bed so I started to turn off Internet access at 10pm when it was lights out. It was getting harder to wake him up in the morning with me repeatedly checking to make sure he was up. If he could get himself down to the kitchen by 8am then he could earn an hour later of Internet. Eventually he earned back his privileges but any slip and we go back to the shut-off routine. On that app there are other features like blocking certain websites. I can also see S17s viewing history on Netflix altho for me it's Youtube I'm more concerned with.

One thing some parents do is install surveillance software that gives them access to content on the phone. You have to be careful as a divorced parent if mom bought the phone and pays for access because in some states ownership matters legally for installing the software.
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worriedStepmom
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2019, 01:43:28 PM »

Do you have to allow him to have the phone at your house?  Can you insist that S14 leave the phone at mom's, and, if it goes to your house, it is immediately confiscated?

We've grounded SD11 from her phone before.  The phone had to live in the kitchen on the charger, and she was only allowed to use it to call or text her mom.  She got it back when she went to mom's house. 

That won't solve your problem of your S doing worrisome things with the phone at mom's, but it does give him a break from it.
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scraps66
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« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2019, 04:48:04 AM »

This may not apply to his phone if he's using data ... and it isn't a solution for the bigger picture. In our house we have a Netgear router and I can control Internet access to devices from my phone using the Netgear app. S17's issue was staying up late after I had gone to bed so I started to turn off Internet access at 10pm when it was lights out. It was getting harder to wake him up in the morning with me repeatedly checking to make sure he was up. If he could get himself down to the kitchen by 8am then he could earn an hour later of Internet. Eventually he earned back his privileges but any slip and we go back to the shut-off routine. On that app there are other features like blocking certain websites. I can also see S17s viewing history on Netflix altho for me it's Youtube I'm more concerned with.

One thing some parents do is install surveillance software that gives them access to content on the phone. You have to be careful as a divorced parent if mom bought the phone and pays for access because in some states ownership matters legally for installing the software.

LnL, I worry about the YouTube as well from what I've seen on his laptop which is here.  I would bet mother has him on an unlimited plan, but when he is here, I could make him use data instead of wifi and she would get dinged for the data charges. 

The Netgear sounds like something I should look into.  There is also another practical reason for me wanting access to the phone.  Last summer S14 was staying out with a group of kids until 11pm.  He would also not respond to my texts and still doesn't.  But I could always determine his location through Find My iPhone.  Now mother has taken this away from me.
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scraps66
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« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2019, 04:51:18 AM »

Do you have to allow him to have the phone at your house?  Can you insist that S14 leave the phone at mom's, and, if it goes to your house, it is immediately confiscated?

We've grounded SD11 from her phone before.  The phone had to live in the kitchen on the charger, and she was only allowed to use it to call or text her mom.  She got it back when she went to mom's house. 

That won't solve your problem of your S doing worrisome things with the phone at mom's, but it does give him a break from it.

This is how it started, "mom can check my phone."  He started leaving the phone at mom's because "you spy on me."  I'm sure mother put this idea in his ear to sooth herself.  It didn't last long. 

We live close, leaving the phone at mother's would only have him walking to mother's on the weekends where he can sit and watch his phone all weekend long.  This has been the only way of me getting him out of the house on the weekends, "why don't you go see what's going on at mom's."

LnL, as far as the phone at night, I take it from him at bedtime. 
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