Having THE TALK with 12 y o son - Part 2

[JoeBPD81]

Continued from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333243.0 It is maddening. I gather all my compassion before they come home from school, and in 10 minutes of interaction, I'm very disapointed and tired. They come through the door fighting, knocking things down, throwing clothes and bags anywhere... .

It is hard to not anticipate failure, as in "we know homework is going to be a problem, showers too, keeping them from fighting, listening to them asking for TV and videogames even though they know in schooldays they don't have that... ." But we try to convey the thought that we believe in them and that they're gonna do great.

The older one sistematically "forgets" to bring the books home when he has an exam, every single time. We get messages from school often that he didn't do his homework. He always says that he's done it, or that he doesn' t have any. So we have to be always on watch. And we need to help the little one with his homework too, and encourage that he does show interest.

Answering your post, the not having luch was my GF's idea, or maybe his own, but she was the one enforcing it. The kids often say they no longer want or care about the thing they were asking for if we ask them to do something first.

He seems to enjoy being "bad", since he was very little, he said he wanted to be a super-villain when he grew up, a bad scientist to slave humanity. His therapist tell us that he only sees himself as smart when he's able to fool someone, when he gets someone to believe his lies.

We don't tell him he's bad. When he was with his other father he heard a lot that he was dumb and useless and weird... .Of course we are not perfect and we say harmful things once in a while. But we try our best to be careful with words.

We've tried very different aproaches, and they work for half a day, and then they don't. I know consistency is our biggest problem, the moving, permeable limits. I think they know with me those limits are more solid, but still, we are not in control.

I want to do "calmly and clearly", and I'm described by the people around me as the most patient man in the planet. But they get to me. If it makes sense, I try to raise my voice before I'm out of control, I'm "acting" as a sargent, before I really go mad out of control. The problem is making it a habitof it, because I see that I get no reaction at all before I raise my voice. You talk calmly and it's like talking to a doll. After raising my voice I always talk calmly about it being a bad thing and that we can't spend everyday with screams, and that it would be much better for all of us to do things before we go to screaming mode. I'm "lucky" because I get to let my GF do the screaming mostly while I can keep calm. I raise my voice maybe once every 2 months or so, maybe it sounds like a bigger deal because they are not used to hear me like that.

I seldomly think I'm entitled to enforce logic consequences, because If I anounce "if you do this, this will happen", and then my GF changes it, it's not her problem, is a family problem, we are doing harm to the kid. So I have to choose what to say acording to that.

One detail you might want to consider is that my GF doesn't eat with us, almost never, maybe once a month for breakfast. She eats alone when we are all in bed. That's the time she's calm enough to fight the anxiety food provokes her. Even so, she insists in cooking every meal for us, because it makes her feel useful, and valuable.

Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Enabler]

Joe, at some point your kids are going to have to take responsibility for themselves. The homework is for them, not for you, and there comes a point where since you cannot force them to do anything, and they are choosing not to complete their homework that the responsibility for the fallout lands with them.

Acknowledge to them that you cannot force them to do anything they don't want to do. That you're no longer prepared to have running battles with them about homework. You're here to help if they need you but it's up to them and you refuse to chase them about it... .when the shoe drops... .look at it on the floor and say "there's a shoe on the floor, that's sub optimal".

It feels like a game of chicken and they need to know that you're serious. They know your GF isn't serious and they have stared her down time and time again... .but you are an adult and can be calm and emotionless and clinical. Part of me is thinking tell kids that you'll put their things out the front door if they don't hang them up, and follow through. Part of me thinks that's a bit childish, the other part thinks it draws a line... .if you leave stuff on the floor I will assume it is rubbish and rubbish goes in the bin or out in the yard. We have a playroom... .I have abandoned responsibility for keeping it tidy... .if I find toys around the house I throw them into the play room and close the door, what happens to them then? Not my problem. If you don't treat our home with respect, I will zone off areas that you are not allowed to use. Those that can respect our home can use those areas.

Can you think of a good reason why your SS's should make you angry or anxious?

Enabler

[JoeBPD81]

Joe, at some point your kids are going to have to take responsibility for themselves. The homework is for them, not for you... .

I've been saying that for... .forever. I don't remember any time in my life that MY homework was my mother's business. Truth is, I didn't do much, so I'm not a good example. I had good grades with not much effort or attention to school.

We tell them that, because they seem to think it's our business. But then again, teachers encourage us to be on top of them, due to their ADD, and his therapist say it would be debastating for him to repeat a grade. And he's barely passing every year thanks to his mom's help.

We are up for letting them face their own consequences. But the consecuences to us are: They don't do the homework, we can't reward that, so no TV, no videogames... .Then they get angry, and they break things, or hit each other or even hit my GF! (Yesterday S12 hit her). On a milder day, S7 wants to do his HW, but S12 doesn't, and he doesn't want to let S7 to do his either. He can just try to distract him, and succeed, or steal his pencil, break his paper... .

So even if his homework is his problem, we have to watch them every waking moment, and it is exhausting and builds up resentment. If we leave the room for one minute (literaly just go pee) the little one starts crying for something S12 did to him.

Clothes is a big expense to us. People donate clothes to us, because money is tight. I would send them to school with the holes they make in their pants, so they have to care if they want to go tidy. But My GF's already thinks she's a very bad mother and that everyone judges her. Also she has some OCD issues about wrinkles, and cleanness, and order, so if they don't take care of things, she can't stand not to fix it.

Well, all I'm doing is complaining and giving excuses. But I'm listening, even if it doesn't show. 

[Enabler]

Do you have the ability to talk to their T about how to improve what seems to be an impossibly frustrating situation. I'd imagine being a logical rational person the whole situation would be incredibly infuriating and I'd imagine the thoughts of "why would you do that?" is almost a minutely occurrence. Have you found leaving your rational mind at the door, switching to a somewhat irrational mind in a way of thinking on their level? There's ways to engage children with ADD, is this training you and your GF have access to?

Enabler

[JoeBPD81]

Have you found leaving your rational mind at the door, switching to a somewhat irrational mind in a way of thinking on their level?

Enabler

Don't worry, my rational mind has its days numbered. :-P

[Enabler]

I had a little chuckle to that Joe

However... .it raises a serious point... .do have an outlet to preserve your sanity? You've mentioned money is tight and there's an emotional cost to you carving out 'Joe time', have you found anything free/cheap that you can do to clear your head and push the walls out from closing in on you? Despite working in the city I live in the countryside, I make a point of going out for a stomp and listening to some tunes. I also found that writing a journal on my phone was great at preserving my narrative. Life can get pretty confusing especially when you're surrounded by people who like to warp the truth. Keeping notes of 'stuff' means you don't have to  keep re-checking things, preserving the whole story in your head... .it's there... .the facts. It's also a great source of reference  to see patterns of behaviours... .these paterns may not be visible at the time when you're in the thick of things. I have found it very helpful. 

Enabler

[JoeBPD81]

I know... .

The short answer is "not enough".

I feel my future can change in short notice, so I don't have plans or dreams. Not even for next week.

In the present, I'm asking too much from myself, and not finding the motivation to improve.

I work for the Government, at an unemployment office. I listen to people's struggles all day. To half of them I have to say "I understand, but you won't get help from us", Or "the help run out, and there's nothing after this one". They get sad, or angry and violent. I have to see too much people in a short time, presured by our boss, and hated by the public. The job is demanding because you need to have (and update) a bunch of laws in your brain to be able to give every posibility to each person. It's not rocket science, but it is tiring. By the end of my work day, I have a headache, and I'm drained.

I wouldn't ask for more than some peace, and a loving environment when I get home. But you know it's not the case.

I'm getting a college degree that I never did when I was young. It would be easy if I had time, but it is too much when I can't find the time.

Also I'm studying for a Government exam, if I pass it, I'll get a raise and I'll be able to apply for a promotion. I almost got it last year, but I'm less motivated this one.

More than working too much, this means that each time I'm not studying, I think I should be, and when I do, I advance like a turtle. It's impossible at home, and when I leave, I can't shake the guilt-inducing comments, and I'm too emotional to concentrate.

I wouldn't mind neglecting the study, postponing the promotion... .in exchange for quality family time, but that's not the case either.

We've taken on roller skating. And we are all enjoying it nowadays, thank God! I skated before, and now all the family has joined me, so that's very nice, and an improvement.

I sometimes get hoocked to a videogame for some months, then I spend months that I'm not interested. That could be bonding for me and the kids, but they get obsessed about them and they can't think about real life for a second. And they drive my GF insane aswking non stop for and about the games. I can play nicely with the little one, (as long it's not a competitive game and I don't let him win), but when the older one joins, he's every second making humilliating comments to the little one, and getting angry and impatient himself.

We don't play violent games, nor the ones we see that are not appropriate for their age. Nevertheless, violence erupts with the simplest of games. So we forget about them.

I can watch movies with the older one, but the younger gets tired and asks for attention after 3 minutes. It's almost impossible to watch something adult-ish with my GF, as we need to pause every 3 minutes to separate a fight. And when the kids are in bed, my GF is so devastated, she just wants to pass out. Maybe then I watch a movie by myself, or I play a game, or some episode of a TV-show.

I mostly don't do any life outside the family. I know I should be able to do something (see friends, visit relatives, join a gym, or a club... .), but I'm returning to extinguish some fire or another before I go out the door.

Thanks Enabler, I'd be interested to know about your current situation, I knew it when you joined, but I don't know how are things now. Please say Hi to the Staff (I used to be an Amby)

[Enabler]

I feel my future can change in short notice, so I don't have plans or dreams. Not even for next week.

This is such a key point... .have you ever heard of delayed gratification. It's an adult skill that enables us to postpone gratification now for the better and greater good later. In many respects it can also work in a way of saying "I can endure pain now because it might be over tomorrow and then I'll do those things". There's a mirage of differentness in the future, I might be divorced and living in a different home from my wife and kids, have a bunch of spare time and buy that canoe and go canoeing down the river... .I'll go skiing again... .I might go on that golf trip... .but that day hasn't come. We watch life ebb away whilst our chaotic partners cause carnage and give the illusion of impending differentness... .which never materialises. Even on a simplistic level, my D needs a bed, she has a cot bed... .why get a new bed, she might need bunk beds when/if they move... .so 2 years later, no new bed. I don't want to take the bull by the horns as it feels like it might force the situation down a route I don't like... .FOG me tastic. It's warranted FOG as well since every time I try and do things differently another notch towards D is achieved.

Working in an unemployment centre sounds painful... .and full of "victims". Good luck on the exams, all you can do is your best given the circumstances you find yourself in.

I'm sure all the other staff see you and wish you the best, I see them helping you on other chats.

Enabler

[JoeBPD81]

Hi guys,

here again.

Tomorrow it's my GF's Bday. And today she's not talking to me, because she doesn't know how to, as she thinks I don't love my oldest stepson. Or that I love him "not even half of what I love the younger one". Based on that I can't refrain myself from correcting/criticizing him, and "the way I look at him".

The thing is. How do I measure that? It makes me doubt myself. Maybe I don't love him?

It's very complicated. And there are many factors involved.

- It is a fact that he makes the life of the whole family very dificult. As his own mother says frequently, even to him. Even he says so "I'm angry, so I want to make you all have a bad time all weekend". And whether he says it or not, he does, he creates conflict and drama every hour or so.

My perception is that my GF needs to forgive him, but she needs to put her feeling "we can't keep living like this" somewhere, blaming someone, but she can't blame a kid, so... .Sooner or later, the blame comes to me.

- He's learned the dynamic that when his mom is angry with him, he says " Someone has been mean to me" and then he gets pitty and protection instead of lectures. Mainly, he says "the bullies at school", but other times he exagerates something I did or said, and he gets a lot of satisfaction from how angry mom gets towards me. He knows he has power.

This time. We were having dinner yesterday, and joking and laughing, the two kids and me. As I said before, he never stops bothering his brother, he steals his food, rubs his face all the time until he makes him cry... .So it was a normal dinner. And I said in a light tone "we should hire a big brother so he can do these same things to (S12), so he sees how it feels" They kept bragging and making other remarks like that, and laughing.

This morning they told mom that I said I wanted to hire a guy to make S12's life unbearable, as if it was a serious threat on my part.

I know it wasn't a loving remark, but in context, it was normal teasing.

She's caught them in lies like that about other people many times. Well, it's not a lie, more a half truth manipulated on their interest. But when it's about me, she believes them as if they were little angels who always told the truth.

But I know better than to use "they are liars" in my defense. In this same way, they say bad things about their mother, and I take them with a grain of salt. I don't make a fuss of it, so they don't do it often. But even when they tell their mom these lies about herself, it affects her. They tell her "you punched me yesterday, you allways puch me!" And there's nothing farther from the truth. And still, she worries that they might believe that in their head. And she cries, and they get what they want, that she stopped talking about the fact that one of them just hit her.

- I agree that I shouldn't criticize or lecture him so much... .But I'm the one that stays out of it most of the time, as I'm told. But I can't remain silent all the time, I'm human, and if his mother, that believes a 100% we shouldn't, does 20 times more than me, how can I refrain myself better than her?

So he hits his mom, or his little brother, and I'm supposed to say nothing?

She tells them, when she can't take it anymore: "you're completelly useless" "you are dumba... .s!" " I can't stand you anymore!" (and leaves the house without explanation), or she tells me in front of them "I can't stand them". And believe me, I get that she can't help herself, no one can take this frequency of drama. But I do take it, and I can lecture and criticize, but I don't call them names. Two wrongs don't make a right, but I wish she was more understanding about what I say, when she sees that even she can't help herself from losing it with them.

If 2 out of 4 of the family members are crying from something S12 did, and I say nothing, I stay out, How't that gonna make me bond with them?

I know many times, not paying attention is the best course of action. But other times, not saying anything is enabling. Being 12 I believe he should make his bed, and other chores at home. He does none. I say nothing, and I sometimes do his chores, because it's my GF who's gonna make them and she does too much already. But I disagree, and I don't say it to him, I tell her that I would do it differently. But staying out and saying nothing, I think it makes me not be part of the family. I don't know if I'm explaining myself right.

I think we are allowing him to stay a 3 year old behaviour-wise, because we make it worth it for him. It works, everyone is focused on him, and he gets all the privileges, so why change?

I pitty him too, and I have compassion for him. But I believe my duty as a parent is to lead him to behave like a human being, in the best ways I know.

In his view, he goes to a chess club, and says "hey guys, I want to be a part of the club. Now, I hate chess, let's all go play soccer". And they don't wan't to. So he comes to mummy, and says "They don't want me at the chess club, everybody hates me". And he believes that, at least in part. And mummy reinforces that by saying " those kids at the chess club are total aXXXles".

The problem is that this same patterns happens at home. We say "let's go to a movie!" He wants to stay home. Let's cook a pie together!" He wants to go to a movie. "Let's play videogames!" then it's the only time he doesn't want to play.

Last saturday he said he wanted to go skating, he had been saying that all week. He says that, we have breakfast, and then we say "let's get dresses to go out skating!" and sure enough "I don't wanna go with this stupid family".  Completely out of the blue.

So she says I look at him differently. The other kid is a pain in the behind often enough, but sometimes, even if it's rarely, he says yes. So you tell him something and it can be like a lotery. But with S12 we know we tell him something and it's gonna be NO, and then 1-2 hours of drama before life keeps moving forward. So I must look at him with a look that says "not this again". The little one sometimes wants to help, to cooperate, or to do things to please us. But you never see S12 doing something for another human being, and he rarely tells the truth about anything. So it scares me, and I don't trust him one bit.

So I want him to be happy, and I want him to be able to be proud of himself. I praise every little thing he does right, as if he had cured cancer. I encourage him, and I tell him he's good enough to do anything he wants to achieve. I reset everyday and I talk to him with afection.

My parents never told me "I love you" and we were not much about hugs and kisses. So it sounds very fake to me to out of the blue say it. So I say it when it sounds half natural to say it, but not everyday. The overly sexual behavior makes it very uncomfortable to have phisical contact with them. So I know I must look cold to them, and not towards my GF. Both kids tell me they love me every day several times, and then I say I love you too. But sometimes I'm angry, and I say "Well, then it's a good time to start showing it" Or something like that. I never doubted my parents loved me though, and as I remember, I was always in the way, and I never did something 100% right in their eyes.

I don't know if its a normal thing to say among parents, that one tells the other that he/she doesn't love a kid. What she bases her accusations on, she does them 20 times over, and I don't doubt for a second that she loves them more than anything.

I don't know what I feel for them. I can't put in into words. I think all parents, in my experience, want some time outs from the kids. And they say they can't stand them. Even when they are lovely kids.

I don't know step parents. I suppose it's a process. You don't love two unknown kids just because. You interact with them and a bond starts taking shape. And it's the adult's job to do his best to make this happen. I was imposed (but biological parents are too). In a way I was chosen, and tested. Before my RS with my GF was possible, she had to see I was good with the kids and that they liked me. And I've given them everything. I wish she saw that. Sometimes she sees it, but when she days things like this, I feel defeated.

On their part, they never showed respect (not only to me), or cared if I was well or not. They take as much as they can, until people gets upset, and then a little more, until people are angy or crying, and then they take a little more to see if they still can. And then when they think they can't take much from an angry or totally depressed person, they say "I'm sorry". And 10 minutes later, the dance starts again.

I think it must be devastating to get that reaction from everyone around you (I make everyone cry or get angry all the time). And it's devastating that this is their "normal". I know they must feel that we get angry whatever they do, so they get very frustrated.  And I wish I could change that, I wish I knew how to.

No one has treated me with less consideration in my life. I feel like garbage. So it's hard to show love in the moment someone is spiting you in the face (metaphoricaly, or literaly). And I guess anyone would need some time after being treated like garbage to recover and forgive and start again, but we have no time, unless the kids are away, if they are home, they are creating trouble in less than an hour.

I think she gets to switch from that frustration (she is treated even worse than me), when she can turn around and blame it on me. "I love my kids but I can hate this guy" (who makes it possible that we don't live in the streets, but who cares?). And I think it's very unfair and it makes me very sad.

Some days she calls me a Saint. I know I'm not a saint, and I know I don't love the kids unconditionally as if they were mine. But I do put being a good dad, and them, on top of my priority list, and I do my best in a very hard environment. I can't create a paternal gut feeling out of the blue like the one she has. Even less when one day I'm their dad, and the next I'm a stranger and not to be trusted, and the next she's saying she's leaving me as soon as she can, and movin out with the kids to another town.

It's no excuse, but I feel I can't allow myself to love them too much, because I'm always in fear that she's gonna take them and leave, as she's been saying every month for all our RS. Most days I have a wall that I built in order not to feel the fear of losing them.

When they've actually gone away, I've missed the kids too, I've cried when 've heard kids voices, and I'm glad when they've been back.

I don't know is someone can make any sense of this post, but I needed to say these things.

[Lollypop]

Hi Joe

I’m sorry that I can’t give a longer reply. I’m just leaving and have three big long days ahead of me. I couldn’t leave without posting.

I can feel your pain Joe and I see that maybe you’re stuck? This leads to frustration with your situation. When we have a run of “bad” days/months when very little seems to be going as we’d like it then to it’s incredibly challenging.

We’ve talked about this before Joe. When we’re deep in the nitty gritty of living we can’t see the bigger picture. How can we raise ourselves up above it? 

I was really interested to read about you opening up about missing the family, wanting the family close to you when your apart. I’ve felt the same with my son28 when our relationship wasn’t a healthy one. I had a decision: did I want him in my life? If so, then how would that work? What had to happen? Accepting that my life was never going to be what I’d hoped for. Accepting I can’t change others, only myself. Putting myself first and nurturing my own life.

You’ve got a complicated young family there Joe. I’d vent too.

Hugs

LP

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks for your answer, LP

The birthday was nice in the end, but S12 was doing his thing anyway. He took the phone without permission, and played by himself all evening, even with guest at home who came for cake, his gramma and aunt. We all asked him to drop it many times, and it never worked, we took it from him several times, and he took it again the moment we atended other things. I was biting my tongue all the time. He wanted to show us what was happening in his videogame, as if it was the only important thing in the world. I only told him I coundn't listen to that when he had no permission to play.

When the guests left, and the mess was cleaned, we wanted to watch something on the TV the 4 of us. S7 asked to play videogames too, because S12 was "allowed". We told him no, and he respected it. Thank God. I turned the wifi off, and it took some time, but S12 let go of the phone, demanding that I put it to charge. We got to watch 15 minutes of TV, nicely, and then S12 started puting his feet in the face of S7, and in his crotch, and he didn't stop doing that even with all the family asking him to stop. It's not that he stops and then starts again. We are talking about that, mum is already crying asking him to please stop doing that and letting us have a pleasant moment before going to bed, even just on her birthday... And he keeps playing with his feets all the while, smiling, or with a sadist look towards his brother. So we turned off the TV and the nice moment was over.

This morning they refused to go to school, and my GF is feeling like a huge failure, and she can't take it anymore. She says everyday they try and fight her to not go to school, but she managed to take them. Today she couldn't. I'm at work and I don't know what to tell her. If I start giving advice, it will turn against me.

I don't even know what to think, what's best, or what to do. I'd do things very differently. But I know for sure, things are not gonna be done my way.  Her way is not working. They are not happy, nor civilized, and they are very mean to each other and to us. And the alternative is that they go with their bio-dad. This man doesn't care about them one bit. He would let them do whatever they want, and hit them when they get in his way. He wont spend any time with them, he doesn't even speak the same language, even though he's been more than 20 years living in our country. When he's had a month's right to visit, he's asked us to pick them up after 2 days. He's told them many times he doesn't want to see them anymore.

So what will become of the kids there? Nothing good, I fear.

And my GF, the only reason she has to live is them. If she gives them away, she'll kill herself.

Those are my prospects. People keep telling me "that is not your problem, not your responsibility". But what kind of monster would I be if I just didn't care, and removed myself from the problem? How would I live with myself?

I still feel torn about my previous divorce. No kids, and my wife was a bit narcisistic. But I knew I was useful to her and I made her life better, so I feel I died a little for letting her down, and for making her feel rejected, and hurt.

I think it would take a huge amount of denial to live with myself if I said "you are on your own". So much denial I don't thing I would feel human anymore. They have no means to survive. If I left, they have to go to the ex-husband, or find a homeless center. Or she could kill herself and leave the kids to their granma (who's not very interested either).

If she were to kill herself, God forbid, I wouldn't be able legaly to keep the kids. And honestly, I think I wouldn't be capable, I wouldn't want to, either. Does that mean I don't love them? I would want to see them. But not be a 100% dependent on me. I see them suck the life out of their mom. I see how happy she is when they are a couple of days away, and she doesn't have to fight every step of the day. She misses them and she feels very guilty that she's better when they are not around.  So it would be even harder to look at them if I felt they have pushed her to her death.

I don't see any solution except working and waiting for the kids to develop some conscience, self responsibility, empathy and such. If they keep this way, we don¡t see the end of the tunnel.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Joe

This morning they refused to go to school

Did they go to school?

LP

[JoeBPD81]

They've gone today, but yesterday, they stayed home. They have 4 days off in a row now. And they've lost a lot of days due to a long cold (That's when they started to ask everyday to stay home sick, whether they are sick or not).

S7 is doing well at school, but S12 is not, and he's already very unmotivated, not identifying himself with his studies at all. We get a lot of warnings from the teachers, saying he didn't do his homework, or didn't turn in a paper; he tries to hide all his exams and leaves the books at school so he can say he can't study... And we spend most of the time keeping track of his things, and finding out what he's hiding. It's exhausting.

My point is, he can't miss more school days.

[Enabler]

I've been thinking about homework a bit recently due to my boss really struggling with his son not doing his homework. I think there's a smooth natural progression that leads from you owning a kids homework but working with them as they typically throw a tantrum. As they throw a tantrum there's an opportunity where you could just drop the ball for them and say "hey, this is your homework, I'm helping you." They may turn their nose up at you and go to school and get a severe rollocking from their teacher and they feel ashamed. This is enough to teach them a lesson that the homework is for them and if they want to avoid feeling ashamed, they need to do the work. Similarly if they want help with THEIR homework, they need to market themselves to the helper such that the helper is prepared to offer help. If this point is not made before a child reaches a critical tipping point where they realise that teachers are in effect powerless to 'hurt them' other than wag a finger or put them in detention they realise there are no immediate consequences and thus refuse to do work or attend school... "what ya gonna do?". I'm not an advocate of corporal punishment but you can certainly see how that window of opportunity was much longer when you knew you were going to get canned if you didn't do you homework! 

Ideally by the time your kids reach the age where they can have contempt for the teachers authority, they don't have contempt for their own personal development. Thus, they have self propelled momentum which drives them to do their work.

Your SS needs incentivising to get him back on a path which allows him to be self propelled. I guess what I'm saying is that when something gets in the way of that natural transition opportunities and lessons are missed which means he doesn't 'fledge'. You are still running around checking on his work and his work requirements, yet if you were to leave him to deal with the consequences he has pretty much contempt for those consequences as well. I am very very sure that the school has been through this before and can help you. Maybe organise a meeting with all 3 parties... well that would be the ideal anyway. HOWEVER, you're not in a relationship where you and your W can co-parent effectively, so, any plan involving you or her dishing out consequences isn't going to work... the school isn't likely to want to dish out consequences on an ongoing basis either... so that just leaves your SS on his own.

Enabler