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Author Topic: Enforcing Boundaries...Argh  (Read 503 times)
StillHopeful73
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« on: March 22, 2019, 10:54:09 AM »

Hi everyone  Welcome new member (click to insert in post) I'm a newbie here but am very happy to have found this site. I've been reading up on the co-parenting section and have found some very helpful tips on dealing with my ex.
My ex and I split about 6 1/2 years ago when he assaulted me. He was charged, given a criminal record (it wasn't his first offence) and there was a restraining order against him until it expired in 2014. I didn't bother looking to put one in place when it expired as he seemed to be doing well. He was dating someone (I really liked her), he was working consistently, he was seeing a counselor and apparently found medication that was working well for him. His partner would provide me with a schedule before each month and we would discuss/implement any changes at that time. We had about 3 years of quiet, consistency and very little conflict. It was bliss.
In April 2017 my ex's world came crashing down when he and his partner broke up. It was at this time that she disclosed to me some of the issues she dealt with during their time together and thought it was important that I know for our daughter's sake. He struggled with problems with cocaine here and there, alcohol problems, starting/stopping medication, he stopped seeing his counselor even though she tried to see one together with him, and consistent verbal aggression (including around the kids). She said there was one physical incident but wouldn't elaborate and said that the reason there weren't more is that she would remove herself and not engage. He started talking about suicide with her (she sent me the recordings), he threatened her and her daughter (she sent me the recording - he doesn't remember this apparently) and he broke into her home. She said she was going to get a restraining order but I'm not sure if she ended up following through.
So here we are almost 2 years later. The past 2 years have been hell, to say the least. He has intermittently talked of suicide then denied it. He has taken off for a couple of weeks with no notice missing his time with his daughter. He rolled his transport truck and was on leave for a year. He was living out of his truck for a year and a half until this past December. He obviously wasn't paying child support while not working but decided to take the money from insurance last year and spend it on a trip down south (his 2nd trip of the winter), and the list goes on.

I took on the role of trying to be supportive when they broke up and that was a stupid mistake on my part, in hindsight. I thought by being there firstly I would have more insight on when he might be feeling suicidal so that I could keep our daughter home if need be. I thought if I was encouraging and supportive despite all we had been through that maybe he would start going to a counselor again and get his medication straightened out. So I would listen to his rants and empathize and try to provide firm advice on getting his life back on track. I would try to gently approach it when he took a victim stance on things and try to get him to see his part in it. He was pretty good for a little while and didn't push back too hard. But I should have known this was pointless.
 
Scheduling has been a problem for a very long time and I have tried to enforce boundaries. I have asked for a schedule repeatedly over the past 2 years. I have requested notice for schedule changes and that he pick her up/drop her off on time and he'll follow the schedule here and there then go back to doing things as he pleases. I have reinforced the importance of consistency and routine for our daughter but he thinks that I'm trying to control him and feels the way he does things teaches her flexibility.
So throughout the past year I have utilized my work EAP counseling on ways to deal with him and last summer I started seeing a counselor on how to deal with him. I contacted my lawyer last summer and basically paid him $500 so that he could tell me to continue doing what I'm doing. A couple of months ago I met with Child services to discuss these issues and was hopeful that we could put a parenting plan in place. Unfortunately, yesterday our case worker had to cancel the appointment that had been scheduled for today for my ex and me. My ex was really angry as he had made arrangements to change his work schedule for this appointment so he was losing out on pay and I understand his frustration, but things happen. 

After a couple of vicious text attacks in the past few months I reduced my communication to only that of discussing our daughter. A couple of weeks ago, on the advice of my counselor and the case worker, I said we were going back to the court order. I have sole custody and the order states that the visits are one mid-week evening visit that is agreed upon by both parties, as well as every 2nd weekend from Friday night to Sunday at 4:30pm. I said that I realize his work is difficult lately so even though he is supposed to give 24 hours notice for changes that he can use one of two tentative days, Tues and Wed. He has to give me notice by 7am on Tuesday if he is seeing her that day so that I can let her know. If he doesn't give me notice by 7am then he can't see her that day. If he can't make Tuesday then he can give me notice by 7am on Wednesday but if not, again, he won't see her that night. And I also said to let me know if he wants me to change the tentative days to Wed/Thurs instead of Tues/Wed. Of course, he did not reply. This week he texted on Wed afternoon at 3pm to see if our daughter had plans that night to which I said yes. I asked again if he wanted to switch his tentative days to Wed/Thurs and no reply. Then yesterday just after noon he asked if we had plans that night and I said yes. He said that he was picking her up and didn't care if we had plans and would drop her off between 5-530. I didn't engage and just said that he wouldn't be following the court order by doing that. Then he went on a rant questioning my parenting and personality etc. and said he didn't care and was taking me to court. That people see through my sh*t etc. etc.

So how the heck do you enforce boundaries with someone who refuses to respect the rules or court order? I have contacted the after care and school and they have my court order on file. They are very supportive and have agreed to not let him take our daughter unless the mid-week night is agreed upon or his Friday night per the court order. I have contacted child services and asked to arrange for a pick-up and drop-off through them when needed. And after this latest text attack, I told my ex I would no longer communicate via text and that moving forward we would go through a communication site for parents. He says I'm being difficult and he'll have his lawyer contact me. I have now blocked him on my phone.

I now see that I should have tried to be more firm in enforcing the boundaries a long time ago. That I've been part of the problem by allowing any flexibility or last minute changes with the schedule. But it's really tough to enforce boundaries with someone who is not only irrational at times but also has assaulted me in the past. I'm not sure at times what he is truly capable of.

I have to say that I'm pretty drained at this point. I have tried really hard to be a good person and put aside my ego a long time ago. When our daughter doesn't want to go with him I'll talk to her about how much fun they have and try to be positive about it. I tell her she isn't missing anything at home as I have chores to do etc. I have encouraged her to call him (though not every night) and that still isn't good enough as he feels I'm an awful parent by not having her call every night. I have not brought up child support other then when he used his insurance money to take a trip yet he says that's all that I'm concerned about, despite the fact that there is over $6000 in back-pay. We never have animosity around her and we both are neutral in front of her at exchanges (though I worry that she might pick up on the tension). How can he control it then but not when he texts? I have to admit that these increased written attacks are getting to me. Every time I see the phone light up I get anxiety in my chest. I'm still spinning from the recent exchanges and hugely distracted at work. And honestly I'm starting to worry about my health and the long term effects of this stress as I have all of these weird inflammatory symptoms that are popping up that no specialist can seem to put a reason behind. I need to be healthy for my daughter but this kind of stuff can really eat away at you. Still staying positive though and hopeful. I refuse to let this beat me down.

If you lasted this long, thanks for listening! Any tips you can provide on boundaries and how to make sure they are enforced with someone who has BPD would be extremely helpful. Thank you.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2019, 12:34:47 PM »

I now see that I should have tried to be more firm in enforcing the boundaries a long time ago. That I've been part of the problem by allowing any flexibility or last minute changes with the schedule.

That's a big aha moment to have  

You can always turn over a new leaf and begin again with more firm boundaries. Your ex will likely throw a big extinction burst at first to test if a new boundary is real so it's a good idea to prepare for that. My ex knew my biggest fear was that he would do something to our son so he rattled my cage with threats designed to get the biggest reaction. It can be a real nail biter so it's good to plan in advance and know how you want to respond. The worst probably won't happen but if it does you can settle your nervous system with a plan that was put in place when you weren't flooded in strong emotions that make it hard to think.

Excerpt
When our daughter doesn't want to go with him I'll talk to her about how much fun they have and try to be positive about it. I tell her she isn't missing anything at home as I have chores to do etc. I have encouraged her to call him (though not every night) and that still isn't good enough as he feels I'm an awful parent by not having her call every night

He goes on vacation instead of paying child support, he isn't consistent, can't follow a basic schedule. Don't worry whether you're a good parent or not, he's projecting his reality on you and it isn't even a close match.

You don't need to convince your daughter to have a relationship with her dad. All it does is teaches her to invalidate her feelings, and she's going to need her emotional reality validated more than the average person based on her dad's tendency to invalidate her. You can help raise an emotionally resilient child by validating how she feels, and he is helping you by failing to take the custodial time he's privileged to have.

"I don't want to go."

"You must feel so sad to say that. Do you want to talk about your feelings? I'll do my best to listen and be here to hug you if you feel sad."

That's validation.

You will help her learn that feeling bad means something. Otherwise, she will learn that even when she doesn't like how she feels, she should ignore it and override that intelligence.

You can help break the script for her so she doesn't end up in an abusive relationship.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

Also, be gentle with yourself. This is not just hard stuff, it's the hardest, and the best ways to respond are not always intuitive and must be learned. Reaching out to people who are here to walk with you is a sign you care about yourself and that's huge.

You're doing great 
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StillHopeful73
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Posts: 67


« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2019, 01:27:39 PM »

Thank you LivednLearned. I appreciate your reply.

Yes, it was a pretty big aha moment to have but it was mixed with feeling like I've failed my daughter in some regards. So that was/is very upsetting. I thought I was doing the right thing all along by trying to work with him on things and trying to nurture their relationship to an extent, but I was really throwing her under the bus in the process by not fighting harder to ensure she had a stable and consistent schedule. That is her right and it got lost in all of this chaos. I am angry at myself that I didn't fight harder but lesson learned and moving forward.

I very much appreciate your advice on talking to my daughter about her dad. You're right, I should focus more on validating her feelings. We do talk about why she doesn't want to go and basically she just says that it is because she is bored or there is nothing to do, or that she just wants to stay with me. But I will definitely make a point of actually validating instead of just listening and avoid trying to paint him in a positive light. She can make her own decisions when it comes to him. Thank you for that.

And yes, you are right, some things have to be learned, I suppose. I am so happy to have found this fantastic site. Aside from my counselor I don't really have a big support system so it is comforting to be able to look for advice or vent with people who actually can relate. And hearing others' stories makes one feel not quite so alone.
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worriedStepmom
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« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2019, 02:51:32 PM »

Does your daughter see a therapist?  That might be good for her - if she's like most kids, she's internalizing the fact that dad doesn't make an effort to see her much and partly blaming herself.  It's so hard when one parent is so unstable.  She is going to need to learn boundaries just as much as you do.

My sister's ex is similarly unable to plan in advance.  For a long time she tried to work with him, and then she gave up.  Now, he has to abide by the agreement and give her notice so many days in advance of which weekends he wants.  If he only provides very short notice, she says no.  He doesn't see his son that much anymore.  He asks to take son out of school for long weekends and berates my sister when she says no, son isn't missing school just to hang out with his dad. 

She's doing her job to protect her child, and you are doing yours.  It is not healthy to be at the whims of someone else - it makes you unable to make plans and that is not fair to either you or your daughter.

Keep doing what you are doing.  It sounds like you are on the right track.
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StillHopeful73
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« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2019, 07:18:04 PM »

Thank you WorriedStepmom. She isn’t currently seeing a therapist but we are on a wait list for one that my co-worker highly recommended that her daughter sees. I have been worried about the effects of everything on her and my counselor highly recommended it, even just a few sessions to put my mind at ease. The thing I found odd was the case worker didn’t seem to see the urgency in it tho. But regardless I’m still pursuing it.

I often wonder what goes through my daughter’s brain when her dad cancels or sleeps late thru pick-up. She seems happy that she doesn’t have to go and it makes me happy that she’s happy but I realize it would have an effect on her. As it is she never wants to take her “good” toys when she’s with him since she’s worried about them getting lost or wrecked so I guess that says something about her level of trust. The meltdowns when it is her time to go with him have decreased somewhat so that’s a good thing. There was a period of time where she would be bawling as she left and that just ripped my heart to shreds. He would text a short time later sometimes saying she was fine (which was nice of him) but it still hit me hard. And in fairness to him there were some nights that she was upset and wanted to come home and I was always available. But then he would sleep through the pick up the next day.

What is so frustrating is my ex will do these things like sleeping in for pick up time or forgoing a night due to a shift at work or be busy and pick her up 3 hours later than he was supposed to, but then in the next breath will say he doesn’t feel he gets the time he is entitled to or that activities or birthday parties are dominating his weekends and that it isn’t fair. Or only seeing her one night a week and the weekend is a joke and isn’t enough. And when I try to point out that he has chosen to not see her at different times he just gets angry. I can’t win . So I just keep documenting it all if and when we end up going to court again.

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livednlearned
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« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2019, 08:24:01 AM »

What is so frustrating is my ex will do these things like sleeping in for pick up time or forgoing a night due to a shift at work or be busy and pick her up 3 hours later than he was supposed to, but then in the next breath will say he doesn’t feel he gets the time he is entitled to or that activities or birthday parties are dominating his weekends and that it isn’t fair.


My ex was the same way. It's part of the disorder and regardless of what causes his inconsistency, the takeaway is to focus on his actions and not his words. The more time your daughter spends with you, learning to validate her own feelings, the more emotionally resilient she will be when dealing with her dad. She'll learn to trust how she feels so that he can't tell her what she's feeling (which will almost always be his feelings). 

I wish I had done a better job helping my son connect physical sensations of how he was feeling with his feelings so that he could also trust the cues.

Also, your daughter saying that she is bored there could also be a way of saying she is neglected and ignored. My son used to say that his dad "slept" a lot, which I later realized was a kids way of describing "passed out." Whatever it is, trust her. Your ex is giving you a bit of a gift by not claiming his full custodial time and that's on him. You don't need to take care of him anymore and your daughter seems to be just fine not seeing him as much as the schedule says.

Be kind to yourself about learning things after the fact. We did the best we could and we can always do better. You can always repair and recover after the fact, too.

Excerpt
And when I try to point out that he has chosen to not see her at different times he just gets angry. I can’t win


A response that JADEs (justify, argue, defend, explain) usually escalates things. With my ex, we only communicated through email. As I began to see the dynamics more clearly, I only responded to emails with requests that were actionable and ignored the garbage talk. Brief, informative, friendly, firm, or what Bill Eddy calls BIFF responses to hostile communication. If he is complaining he doesn't get to see her enough, that's not a request, that's a gripe.

If he says he wants to pick her up on day/date/time, you only need to respond with an affirmative. "Ok, let me know 30 minutes before if you are running on time. Once I get your text, I'll know to have her get her things ready so she's all set when you get here." 
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StillHopeful73
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« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2019, 04:17:42 PM »

Thank you livednlearned. You are right and I do try to make the most of our time together. But I do need to let her validate her feelings as opposed to trying to just make everything seem rosy. Because I’m not acknowledging her feelings by doing that. And I see it as a total gift when he gives up his time. I know it’s important for her to spend time with her dad but I always feel better when she’s with me.

I actually have been using the BIFF for a couple of weeks now as I’ve come across it quite a bit, and will continue to do so. The JADE term is new but makes total sense. I’ve learned trying to point out things no matter how softly just doesn’t work.

I have to say since I blocked him a few days ago and sent the link for the parental communication site, the quiet has been wonderful. But he hasn’t chosen to accept the invite so I’m not sure what’s going to happen next week. I had told him after his derogatory texts a few days ago that I was no longer communicating through texts but it appears he is just going to be difficult. If he won’t join the site I’ll tell him that I’ll only communicate via email.

I have spoken with the school and after care program and they won’t let him take our daughter from school unless we have agreed on the night per our court order so it’s really nice to have their support. But if he tries to pull what he did last week by picking up our daughter when I didn’t agree and they refuse him he’s going to be really upset.
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2019, 04:56:31 PM »

There are excellent replies here, responses by people who have "been there, done that".  I'll add that in most cases we who have faced high conflict relationships simply can't succeed when trying to walk a middle path.  With BPD and other acting-out (Cluster B) personality disorders, reason — such as JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) — doesn't work.  The other person just can't or won't listen, at least not for long or consistently.  Someone once explained it as there being too much emotional baggage from the past close relationship for the other to listen.

People with BPD (pwBPD) not in intensive and progressing therapy generally cannot let the past go, the past scenarios where their perceptions, Blaming and Blame Shifting roam freely will keep pulling us down if we let it take hold.  I've been there.  Separated and divorced for over a dozen years, my ex still says she hates me.  Our son will be an adult next year.  Even simple issues I raise will trigger her.  Communication has become almost non-existent. Fortunately I managed to get legal custody and majority time after many years and so the lack of communication is okay with me.

Best to limit communication to necessary parenting or schedule issues.  Even that will be hard.  Ignore the Blaming as best you can.  A thought about boundaries...  For a long time after I arrived here I thought boundaries were for the one misbehaving.  However, in time I learned that boundaries were for me, my ex rejected them, almost predictably.  How can that altered perspective help? 

Limit conversations to necessary matters about (1) the children, (2) parenting schedule and (3) appropriate shared expenses such as child support, child care or daycare, etc.

That's where boundaries come in.  When I first arrived here, I was confused, because I knew my ex never respected my boundaries.  I learned that the boundaries were for me in determining how to respond to my ex.  This is a typical pattern:  "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."  For example, "If you rant or rage on the phone then I will hang up." or "If you rant or rage then I will take the kids and leave to a park, restaurant or movie until you have calmed down."  Frankly, your ex will never totally respect your boundaries but over time it should reduce the incidents.

Be the parent with practical strategies and solutions.  Yes, your ex won't appreciate them, but over time it can be invaluable in court and with the various agencies.  Also, every time you're back in court be sure to attend prepared with the latest major issues and loopholes and their practical solutions.  Even have them printed up as a proposed modification to the order, you'd be surprised how that forethought will give incentive to the court and lawyers to jump on it as a fix and ex probably won't be able to convince the court otherwise.
« Last Edit: March 23, 2019, 05:05:28 PM by ForeverDad » Logged

StillHopeful73
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« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2019, 06:57:57 AM »

Thank you ForeverDad. I agree that there are plenty of really helpful tips here and I will definitely utilize them. I’m going to meet again with the case worker on my own and see if he can help me put together a solid parenting plan. And I’ll re-examine the boundaries as far as defining what will happen when certain behaviours are exhibited.

One complication that I have is figuring out what to do when it comes to my mom. My mom is a very Christian minded person.  Though I’ve been forthright with her about my ex’s behaviour and she thinks it’s unacceptable I think she hopes he will change by killing him with kindness. She has also said that knowing my ex’s instability it makes her feel better knowing where her granddaughter is. When my ex was living out of his truck my mom offered for my ex and our daughter to go there for dinners on his time. So they have done this for awhile and still do it now. My feelings on this have been conflicting. I was happy to know where our daughter was and to know she was getting a home cooked meal or any meal when with him. But to have him a part of my own family dynamic does not sit well. Not to mention the fact that I feel by my mom still opening her home to him with this latest behaviour is enabling him as far as I’m concerned. I finally printed off the texts a few weeks ago for her as I didn’t feel like she realized the severity. She said they were unacceptable and said she was going to sit down with him and go over the texts. She said she will tell him if this behaviour continues then he won’t be welcome in their home. Well it was over 3 weeks ago and she still hasn’t been able to sit down with him as he’s been avoiding meeting with her. Then there is the worry of course that he could be physical with her. She knows his history but says she’s not concerned he’ll do anything to her.

Her involvement at times has been part of my stress. A few weeks ago my ex texted me asking how our daughter was. I texted back the details of her day. No joke, as I turned to my daughter to say that I’m sure  her dad would like to speak with her, I received a text from my mom saying that my ex would really like to talk to our daughter and could I have her call him. Wth? So I was pretty livid and told her so.

At this time I told him not to involve my mom again when it came to our daughter and calling. His response was that I shouldn’t involve my mother or be telling her things either . I feel sometimes as if I’m in my own little world of insanity.

My counselor has suggested that because I had told my mother some time ago that I wasn’t comfortable with him going there because I felt that it was enabling and she continued to do so, that I should just tell her not to tell me about any of his visits. That there was no reason I needed to know and if he was late or she wasn’t sure if he was coming because he didn’t confirm, then not to involve me. She has called me a couple of times, one time calling me very very upset because she made dinner and he didn’t show or cancel. He does this periodically. But it’s just an added stress for me that I don’t want to deal with.

Boundaries needed everywhere and not just with my ex, it appears .
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