I genuinely feel as if I am not going to get over this person

[Depression = 72% of members]

I genuinely feel as if I am not going to get over this person. The feelings I have are so strong, stronger really than I have felt for anyone I can remember being involved with – even just the sight of her in a picture makes me feel such intense emotions that I’m unable to describe. Even though she has treated me in such cruel ways, ways that I’d imagine many others wouldn’t stand for or put up with, or be put off by, my feelings remain as intense as ever, if not more so.

The advice I get from every angle is to ‘move on’. There is no instruction manual, no guide, to tell me just how to do this. Move on to what? How? How am I supposed to forget about this person? I don’t want to jump into another romantic involvement, not because I feel like this about this person but because that’s simply not on my agenda, anyway. And it is unlikely that I will feel the same about that person, anyway. So, in my mind, there’s no point going down that route, anyway.

She has push/pulled since I’ve known her, since before we were even dating, when we were just friends. She continues to do this, and this is why I’m finding it so hard to view this latest round of breaking up/silence as final, and I’m stuck in this mindset of waiting and hoping for her to come back. Even though this MIGHT be final. I have no way of knowing, because this will be the third or fourth time she has gone silent on me.

I feel incredibly depressed and alone, I have no friends, no energy to get out of bed to perform even the most menial of tasks such as showering or getting dressed. I can’t even be bothered to eat. I’ve been prescribed medication which I suppose is lessening my anxiety, but I just feel terrible.

And the worst thing is that I just want her. She seems to be the only thing that will help me feel better, but SHE caused this.

[clvrnn]

I genuinely feel as if I am not going to get over this person. The feelings I have are so strong, stronger really than I have felt for anyone I can remember being involved with – even just the sight of her in a picture makes me feel such intense emotions that I’m unable to describe. Even though she has treated me in such cruel ways, ways that I’d imagine many others wouldn’t stand for or put up with, or be put off by, my feelings remain as intense as ever, if not more so.

The advice I get from every angle is to ‘move on’. There is no instruction manual, no guide, to tell me just how to do this. Move on to what? How? How am I supposed to forget about this person? I don’t want to jump into another romantic involvement, not because I feel like this about this person but because that’s simply not on my agenda, anyway. And it is unlikely that I will feel the same about that person, anyway. So, in my mind, there’s no point going down that route, anyway.

She has push/pulled since I’ve known her, since before we were even dating, when we were just friends. She continues to do this, and this is why I’m finding it so hard to view this latest round of breaking up/silence as final, and I’m stuck in this mindset of waiting and hoping for her to come back. Even though this MIGHT be final. I have no way of knowing, because this will be the third or fourth time she has gone silent on me.

I feel incredibly depressed and alone, I have no friends, no energy to get out of bed to perform even the most menial of tasks such as showering or getting dressed. I can’t even be bothered to eat. I’ve been prescribed medication which I suppose is lessening my anxiety, but I just feel terrible.

And the worst thing is that I just want her. She seems to be the only thing that will help me feel better, but SHE caused this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

She continues to do this, and this is why I’m finding it so hard to view this latest round of breaking up/silence as final, and I’m stuck in this mindset of waiting and hoping for her to come back. Even though this MIGHT be final. I have no way of knowing, because this will be the third or fourth time she has gone silent on me.

did the two of you get back together? what happened?

[JNChell]

Hi, clvrnn. It’s been a while since you’ve posted. Glad to see you back.

How am I supposed to forget about this person?

You won’t forget about this person. This person has obviously impacted you. You do have options. Take the leap into processing what happened when you’re ready.

What direction would you like to take? Healing, or getting back together?

[clvrnn]

did the two of you get back together? what happened?

Hello, I appreciate you getting back in touch.

Yes, we did, in the end. She gradually started talking to me and we just became close again, began dating again. This lasted around a month and a half, and then - similar to the first time she broke up with me, she had an extreme outburst of anger and broke up with me.

She then said we could be friends, but I was struggling with this. I tried to talk to her about how I felt, only the once, and she became angry, swearing at me and telling me that she didn't want to know how I felt and that we couldn't be friends, etc. She blocked me, and unblocked me the next day, saying that we could start again as friends and that we could forget about everything.

Since she said that, she hasn't spoken to me at all. I have attempted to contact her via messaging twice, stating that I wasn't sure what was happening as she said we could start again but that I felt as if she is avoiding me - she hasn't responded. As you know, Once Removed, this is not the first time she has not responded to me and then come back, which is keeping me in a mindset that this again isn't permanent.

I am finding this difficult to deal with though, as her behaviour this time seems to be stronger and things are lasting longer, such as the silent treatment, etc.

We are about to break up for the university summer holiday which lasts five months, and this always does seem to occur just before a holiday period.

I of course just am feeling quite hurt and at a loss of what to do, this seems to have affected me much more than when she did it the first time.

[once removed]

the first thing that i would say is that if the two of you get back together, dont wing it. post on the Bettering board. have a strategy, get regular feedback. changes dont happen without change.

and its true that with each make up/break up, things are a little more damaged each time. so if the two of you were to get back together, something would really need to give.

the most obvious thing here is to give her space, dont push for contact or discussion, it will push her away.

the less obvious thing is how to cope with the space/distance in the meantime. there are standard ways, but when youre depressed, they can feel like moving a mountain. as far as motivation goes though, its the healthiest, and most attractive thing that we can do. when/if she comes back, youre going to want to be in the right headspace.

[clvrnn]

the first thing that i would say is that if the two of you get back together, dont wing it. post on the Bettering board. have a strategy, get regular feedback. changes dont happen without change.

and its true that with each make up/break up, things are a little more damaged each time. so if the two of you were to get back together, something would really need to give.

the most obvious thing here is to give her space, dont push for contact or discussion, it will push her away.

the less obvious thing is how to cope with the space/distance in the meantime. there are standard ways, but when youre depressed, they can feel like moving a mountain. as far as motivation goes though, its the healthiest, and most attractive thing that we can do. when/if she comes back, youre going to want to be in the right headspace.

Well, as for contact, I have decided that I will - if I want to contact her - wait a while. I know that contact right now is counterproductive, and I don't want to push her any further away than she is right now.

My depression is in full swing, and that's hard, because I know that staying active and doing things would probably help me to feel slightly better, but I just don't have either the mental or the physical energy, right now. I did feel bad about not doing things before, but I have decided, for now, to just 'be', and not to force myself to do things that I feel I can't, right now.

I wish that she didn't have these issues, because there is clearly something going on with her ability to handle closeness. It also seems to occur whenever I've just spent time with her family, too. Last time, I'd spent a few days with her family, her mum, her sister. This time also, came after spending time with her family. I don't know if something about that makes her feel 'engulfed' or if it's a coincidence. I don't know.

We have one more week left of university and I had decided not to go in. I found that seeing her, and watching her avoid me was proving too painful. I would have to leave the classroom because I was feeling so overwhelmed, upset and anxious.

Part of me does want to go in, in the hope that she will talk to me - but it all feels too late. There's not enough time for us to fix things in person. And it's really painful just seeing her, hearing her voice. In the same way I guess that it's just painful seeing an ex, but adding all the intense emotions and feelings.

This is clearly something she will always do, and I know that if she does come back I'll probably have to deal with this again. I wish there was something I could do to prevent this happening. I care about and love her so much, and these break ups really hurt, because - from my POV - they are just over nothing. I know that for her it isn't 'nothing' and that it's part of the disorder, but still.

I suppose I also find that I don't know if this is final. Reading through all of my old posts, I was going through this exact same thing, convinced that she wouldn't come back, going through silence, going through all of this - and then she did come back. So it's almost as if all of this doesn't mean anything, and that she will come back. It was all so convincing last time, too.

That small bit of hope keeps me from becoming upset, but then I think, well maybe it IS final, this time. And then I become even more upset. My mind flits between this stuff constantly, and I feel like no-one understands.

[clvrnn]

Hi, clvrnn. It’s been a while since you’ve posted. Glad to see you back.

How am I supposed to forget about this person?

You won’t forget about this person. This person has obviously impacted you. You do have options. Take the leap into processing what happened when you’re ready.

What direction would you like to take? Healing, or getting back together?

Well, thank you for your reply.

I think that I would like to do either - I obviously don't want to think that this is the end of the relationship, but, since I have known this person she has been inconsistent with me and it is unlikely to stop, even if she does come back. And I would be repeatedly hurt.

That makes things very difficult. If this behaviour stopped, I would want to be with her. But this is a very strong pattern with her. At the same time, I feel so strongly towards her. I recognise that this is probably something within me to do with codependency and wanting to 'fix' this person, or these issues.

I have posted on other forums to do with BPD, and the main theme is that these people are horrible, mean, evil, get away from them ASAP - and I hate to sound pathetic, but I know this person and I know she doesn't mean to do this. Her actions do cause me a lot of pain, but I know that she really is at the mercy of her mind. She's often cried in front of me, telling me that all she does is hurt people and sabotage relationships when things are going well - she is clearly going through deep emotional turmoil most of the time.

Of course, it's not my responsibility to fix it or to endure repeated pain because of this, but I don't know. I feel sorry for her, and I really wish more than anything that things didn't keep going this way.

[once removed]

have you explored the tools on this board?

[clvrnn]

I know from experience, and just in general, that someone’s silence typically means “I don’t want anything to do with you” – any relationship forum is full of advice to move on, let go, etc.

But being involved with this person has bought a set of new perspectives; she has done this before. Even going through my old posts on here has showed me that I was in this same position around two months ago – she had told me she didn’t want contact with me, was ignoring me, doing all of this. Then, we got back together. When I see that and remember it all, it feels almost impossible to begin to ‘let go’ and start moving forwards.

I sometimes feel so stupid for feeling like this. I’d imagine that she isn’t even thinking about me at all. I sometimes feel as if, what am I even doing? This person doesn’t want anything to do with me! Why am I holding on to the hope that she’ll return? Then I remember that she does this, and has done it, and that it’s just a case of waiting.

I don’t know. It seems to be dominating my thoughts a lot of the time. I try to keep as occupied as I can, by listening to podcasts, watching films, etc. I wish there was a way of knowing whether this is truly final. I feel unable to get into the mindset that it is.

[clvrnn]

have you explored the tools on this board?

I've tried to look through them, but didn't know which ones were most appropriate for my situation.

[once removed]

I've tried to look through them, but didn't know which ones were most appropriate for my situation.

its best to look at the lessons/tools as a lifestyle change, rather than a quick solution to a given conflict/situation.

the idea is, if it can be done, to move the relationship into an overall healthier trajectory, and environment, one where it can even thrive. there will always be challenges, as there are in any relationship, but to get our relationship to "click" often takes a radically different approach and mindset.

they include coping skills. communication skills. boundaries as a lifestyle rather than something to use as a solution to a conflict. a positive reinforcement approach. there are several elements...its a different mindset rather than say "try SET or validation".

[clvrnn]

its best to look at the lessons/tools as a lifestyle change, rather than a quick solution to a given conflict/situation.

the idea is, if it can be done, to move the relationship into an overall healthier trajectory, and environment, one where it can even thrive. there will always be challenges, as there are in any relationship, but to get our relationship to "click" often takes a radically different approach and mindset.

they include coping skills. communication skills. boundaries as a lifestyle rather than something to use as a solution to a conflict. a positive reinforcement approach. there are several elements...its a different mindset rather than say "try SET or validation".

I think that the coping skills might be useful for me, in general. I will definitely have a more thorough look through the tools, although I find sometimes the layout a bit difficult to navigate.

[clvrnn]

Just coming here to write because I have no one else to speak to, and finding this very very difficult.
 
I’ve found it so difficult to cope and be on the receiving end of this person’s push/pull. I genuinely fell in love with this person and this seems a lot more painful than a ‘normal’ break up. I don’t know how to really ease any of this pain, and if I’m honest, I can’t see this person ‘coming back’, which I suppose would alleviate a lot of the pain. But perhaps not, because wouldn’t it only happen again?

It’s so painful to have become so close to this person, only for this to happen again.

[Sandb2015]

Excuse my typing, I’m typing from my phone and I have my own “trauma shakes”.

Write it out, the painful stuff.

We want to help and that’s part of the reason we’re here..

Remember, you are normal and the feelings and emotions are normal, you are a human being and “this crap” is new to you, we are here with you.

Breathe, feel it in, write it out and we’re here.

Don’t hiccup, don’t shut down...let it out.

[JNChell]

Just coming here to write because I have no one else to speak to, and finding this very very difficult.
 
I’ve found it so difficult to cope and be on the receiving end of this person’s push/pull. I genuinely fell in love with this person and this seems a lot more painful than a ‘normal’ break up. I don’t know how to really ease any of this pain, and if I’m honest, I can’t see this person ‘coming back’, which I suppose would alleviate a lot of the pain. But perhaps not, because wouldn’t it only happen again?

It’s so painful to have become so close to this person, only for this to happen again.

The push/pull behaviors are very hard to handle. Those behaviors can keep us off balance and not centered with ourselves. These break ups are significantly more painful because our ex partners seem to lack compassion and empathy for how we’re feeling as a result. There is no closure given because they can’t openly self reflect and admit their contributions to the relationship failing. What is easier for us, is harder for them. It’s quite a dichotomy to try to overcome. You would feel better initially if she came back, and yes, there is a chance that the same thing would happen. Perhaps quicker than the time before and with more intensity. What does your intuition tell you about this?

I understand the pain that you’re feeling. Keeping the door to your heart open for her, letting her back in without even knocking just to feel the same repetitive hurt once she walks out again.

once removed makes a good point, and has also turned on a light bulb in my head today. The tools here are geared towards a lifestyle change. They’ve been studied and tested and put in their place for very good reasons. I’ve cherry picked them for immediate relief, but that hasn’t stuck for me personally. I can see what he is saying now. I understand that you’re open to her coming back. How can you make yourself stronger and better equipped to be with her if she does?

[clvrnn]

The push/pull behaviors are very hard to handle. Those behaviors can keep us off balance and not centered with ourselves. These break ups are significantly more painful because our ex partners seem to lack compassion and empathy for how we’re feeling as a result. There is no closure given because they can’t openly self reflect and admit their contributions to the relationship failing. What is easier for us, is harder for them. It’s quite a dichotomy to try to overcome. You would feel better initially if she came back, and yes, there is a chance that the same thing would happen. Perhaps quicker than the time before and with more intensity. What does your intuition tell you about this?

I understand the pain that you’re feeling. Keeping the door to your heart open for her, letting her back in without even knocking just to feel the same repetitive hurt once she walks out again.

once removed makes a good point, and has also turned on a light bulb in my head today. The tools here are geared towards a lifestyle change. They’ve been studied and tested and put in their place for very good reasons. I’ve cherry picked them for immediate relief, but that hasn’t stuck for me personally. I can see what he is saying now. I understand that you’re open to her coming back. How can you make yourself stronger and better equipped to be with her if she does?

What tools have you personally used/tried? And why did you feel that they weren’t a good fit?

I was open to her coming back, and sometimes I still really want that, but I also know that she won’t stop doing this to me. I’m unsure how many times I can go through this.

To think about it happening quicker and with more intensity is quite a frightening thing. When she broke up with me the first time it seemed to happen gradually; there was an incident, then she became distant, then she broke up with me, followed by a relatively short silent period. The second time, an intense anger outburst out of nowhere and an immediate break up, followed by the longest silent treatment I’ve received so far. To think about how it could possibly be worse than that is a scary thought, and I’m not sure that my mental or emotional health would be able to manage anything worse than what’s already occurred.

[clvrnn]

I am feeling a deep sense of – I don’t quite know what. I thought that I had found someone who loved/cared about me. The more I read and try to understand and piece together the parts of Borderline Personality Disorder, the more painful and confusing everything is.

I can’t work out whether she actually did/does love or have feelings for me, and this is her way of removing herself from the situation, or whether I was just used to fill some internal void that she has, and that’s why she’s so able to detach this quickly from me.

The last time she broke up with me I found out that she went and stayed with a guy she knows through friends, and that they ended up kissing. This was all within the three week period that we didn’t speak. She told me they didn’t do anything other than that, but it fits in with the whole ‘finding someone else straight away’ pattern that I keep reading about. She doesn’t seem to know many people, but how do I know she won’t do that again? It’s quite upsetting to think about.
 
The more I think about just how she was around me, or the things she’d say, or even the amount of time she spent around me – was any of that even real? Does she even miss me? Or am I simply not in her mind, anymore? It was all so real for me, and at times I feel stupid, as if I should just move on – “ah, whatever, break ups happen, get over it!”, that sort of thing.

The idealize, devalue, discard pattern has happened so clearly and well defined with her that there is no mistaking any of it. While knowing that she acts like this because of a disorder, it makes it more painful in ways because, well, I could have been anyone. I don’t know if any of what she felt was ever real. And I don’t know why I keep hoping that she’ll reach out – she’s done this around four times in total and two when we’ve been dating; she won’t stop doing it now.

I don’t think I’ve ever really felt such a confusing set of emotions, or overwhelming sense of pain and frustration.

[JNChell]

The main tools that I tried were boundaries and BIFF. They didn’t work for me because I didn’t follow the process. I’m rearranging my thoughts and approaching it differently. Are you ready?

[Sufferingsoul34]

This situation sounds very similar to what I am going through. Around the 5th time no of breaking up. Whenever we get closer she pushes away and literally does something crazy to stop her being close to me. Sorry to hear you’re going through the same as me, the pain is unbearable and every time it happens I think I’ve lost her forever and I have many regrets/ wishing I’d done things differently. But that’s mainly because of her misnpulation and mind games that make me feel that way I know that.

For me my wife had problems with her dad when a child so sometimes I think a lot of it is down to that and she seems to hate men. Anyway I’ve just been discarded pretty much for the latest time and this time she says it’s for good yet again so let’s see.

[JNChell]

Sufferingsoul34, I understand. I wish to God that I would’ve found this place and learned.

[clvrnn]

The main tools that I tried were boundaries and BIFF. They didn’t work for me because I didn’t follow the process. I’m rearranging my thoughts and approaching it differently. Are you ready?

Glad to hear that you haven't given up. I'm going to have a look and see what happens.

[clvrnn]

This situation sounds very similar to what I am going through. Around the 5th time no of breaking up. Whenever we get closer she pushes away and literally does something crazy to stop her being close to me. Sorry to hear you’re going through the same as me, the pain is unbearable and every time it happens I think I’ve lost her forever and I have many regrets/ wishing I’d done things differently. But that’s mainly because of her misnpulation and mind games that make me feel that way I know that.

For me my wife had problems with her dad when a child so sometimes I think a lot of it is down to that and she seems to hate men. Anyway I’ve just been discarded pretty much for the latest time and this time she says it’s for good yet again so let’s see.

Hi,

How have you managed to survive/cope/manage with being broken up with so many times? How does it happen, is it usually after some sort of argument or...?

The pain is unbearable at times, yes. The blame and manipulation is so difficult to cope with, too. Mine also seems to have issues with her dad due to upbringing neglect, etc.

[Sufferingsoul34]

We are usually fine for between 3-6 months. We literally were looking at new apartments on the Friday to move in to and we’re going to view some on the Saturday. Then Saturday morning she wakes up and decides that she wants to move alone and starts packing her stuff. She still hasn’t left and is now asking me if I want an apartment with her as friends so we can both be there for the dog, in the mean time getting divorced so living as room mates... I don’t get it...

In the answer to your question, it’s usuallt after we are getting on well which is the hard part, sometimes after a fight too. So it can be both. Maybe the fear of getting a contract together and is actually having a great Friday night set her off I don’t know...

It’s been six months since the last tome and I spent a lot of tome working on myself thinking next time she does this I’ll be able to handle better... how wrong was I... struggling to stop crying or get out of bed. For coping I try my best to keep busy or go to the gym but it’s verh hard, I end up calling my family and friends to tell them the situation and they all say just leave, but it’s very hard.

[JNChell]

I’d like to offer you a song. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7-sxQZwmH9gm

[clvrnn]

I’d like to offer you a song. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7-sxQZwmH9gm

I'm not sure if this is directed at me, but thank you, JNChell.

[Only Human]

This thread has reached its post limit and is now locked. Part 2 can be found here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335530.0