I am cursed

[Manayunk]

My entire life has been ruined by my mental illness. 2017 therapist said I have Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Now my Psychiatrist says I am Bipolar Type I.

I believe I have BPD. As of today, this is my 3rd failed marriage, quit jobs, spent too much money, STD, burnt bridges, horrible decisions, too much porn, PTSD, insomnia, nightmares, numbness...no drugs.

I hate my life. I am cursed. My recent marriage only lasted 6 months. Beautiful woman but her drug addicted son was stressing me out in the house. I would go on verbally abusive text rants, in person verbal rants, email rants and eventually moved out. Now she's gone. I hate my life. I want to die.

This mental illness is a curse.

[loyalwife]

Dearest,
    Have you researched other sites about BPD and success stories? I understand that you have diagnosed with BiPolar etc. (are you on meds and seeking counseling?), but many are the same as you. My brother has BiPolar paranoia and once said to me that he wouldn't wish his worse enemy to have it. But that was years ago, and he is thriving and living a full life, so can you.  I'm glad you reached out here, as you are not seen as 'cursed'.
     DBT is a wonderful tool to have. There are online courses that you can take for free. This could give you a new outlook on life and help you overcome the obstacles you now see in front of yourself.
      My heart goes out to you. I know you are hurting right now. Life can get better for you, but it will take work and reaching out as you just have.  I've seen miracles happen before my eyes, but not overnight. 
       Keep us posted.
     

[Manayunk]

Thanks. I'm not on meds. I was on Abilify for one day and had horrible side effects. I do not like meds due to the drug industry. The side effects are worse than the symptoms.

My own now (ex) wife sold me out and abandoned me. She said she'd never betray me. I told her my issues, but she still walked away. I made it very clear before we got married what I have. The marriage was a waste of life. I'll never trust another person ever again. I'm alone in this world.

[Skip]

My entire life has been ruined by my mental illness. 2017 therapist said I have Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Now my Psychiatrist says I am Bipolar Type I.

Hi Manayunk,

I'm sorry to hear that you are down. Talking about it is a good idea for many  - I know that it helped me.

We are a website for family members of people with BPD traits. Here are some websites that will be better equipped to help:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/Themes/default/welcome3.html

There are a lot better meds for BiPolar than Abilify. You may want to open an exploration on this with your Psychiatrist.

I wish  you well. My heart goes out to you.

Skip

[In a bad way]

Hi Manayunk,
I don't really no what to say for the best but I will say this.
Keep posting and talking, you sound in a bad place and we have all been there, I realise yours is a different perspective on things but people here listen.
The things you have said show that you are a decent person and you have made a start by posting on here.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and I am sorry I have not been much help, I have my daily struggles and just get through the day as best I can.
I do agree about meds, they are not for me except anti -anxiety ones, but that is not to say they don't work for other people.
I also know it's not easy to talk to friends but it helps.

Take care.

[Manayunk]

Thank you. I do believe I have BPD traits. I've read all of the symptoms. I check off on all except the drug use/attacking people physically. This mental disease is a curse. I am in despair.

[Sadly]

Dear Manayunk
Do not despair, I too have some BPD traits, others on here have said the same. I wondered if mine only developed after being 4 years with my BPD partner or if I had them anyway and only became aware of them once I discovered BPD existed when my beloved loving amazing partner started devaluing me. His are deep, ingrained and only once has he ever admitted a problem with himself and refused to speak of it again. He will never ever be able to do and say what you are doing and saying. You are very brave and you can seek help and treatment, he will never be able to do that. My traits are mild and I am very codependent. Once I have disentangled myself from the toxic longing I have for him I will be able to work better on myself. I hear your anguish, feel your pain and truly admire your bravery.

[JNChell]

Hello, Manayunk. I’m very sorry about your recent loss and for the feelings that come with it. It sounds like you’re trying to process a lot. You’ve stated that you believe that you have BPD. I’d like to echo Skip and make the friendly suggestion that you check out and possibly get involved with the resources that he provided you. You may find that you’ll be able to relate to that material better. I would also highly suggest taking your concerns to a professional that can actually confirm or deny the diagnosis. One important thing you have in your corner is self awareness. I hope that you find this advice helpful in your travels. Seek peace and you will find it. Best wishes.

[Manayunk]

Thank you all for your support. I'm on the road to recovery and healing.