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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Getting over guilt  (Read 198 times)
LS

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 9


« on: March 29, 2019, 05:40:30 PM »

Any tips for getting over the guilt involved when breaking up with a borderline who is desperate not to break up?
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I Am Redeemed
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, divorce not filed yet
Posts: 1610



« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2019, 06:14:20 PM »

Hi LS,

When I first went NC and decided to be completely done with my marriage to uBPDh over five months ago, I expressed my struggle with guilt to my therapist. She encouraged me to explore where the guilt was coming from.

I realized that I learned in childhood the belief that I am responsible for making other people feel better. I also learned that I feel that I am supposed to put other people's well being above mine, at all costs to me, and to not do that meant I was selfish. These beliefs kept me stuck and depressed.

Now, I am able to separate the sadness of the situation from the guilt. I recognize that I took steps to do what was healthy for me, and that's ok. UBPDh was not willing to do that, and I am not responsible for his choices. It's still a sad situation, but I no longer feel stuck in a cycle of guilt over someone else experiencing the consequences of his behavior.

Where do you think your feelings of guilt originated?

Redeemed
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"Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field. I'll meet you there." ~Rumi
LS

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 9


« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2019, 08:48:35 PM »

That's helpful to think about.

I think part of my guilt is that I hate even seeing people hurt, but it's even worse to be the one that at least to some degree causes the hurt.  (He cried and freaked out when we broke up).  He also had some dramatic suicide threats, which were tough to see.  He also lives with me so he will have to move out (we are broken up living in separate rooms right now in my 2 bedroom condo, but I need to do the real, final break, which I plan to do next week).  He lived in a studio below his Mom's house before and apparently, they had a big fight about him moving out and so he said he's "burned that bridge" and has nowhere to go.  He has a lot of family around so I think that's a major exaggeration, but I still feel bad about the whole living situation.
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