Most things are better, but there's this ticking time bomb

[Ozzie101]

Things have been going so well in my marriage, but now I'm scared.

So, H is in therapy and doing very well. He's taking full responsibility for the verbal abuse and things that happened in the last half of last year. He's changing the way he responds to stress and changing his thought processes. I've read a lot about fake change and  but he's showing genuine, real changes. We've been communicating and bonding and connecting like never before. He's enthusiastic, affectionate, motivated. I'm still cautious and keeping my eyes open but overall, it's wonderful.

Except for, again, my family. My parents and sisters know how he was last year. My parents are keeping any judgment to themselves. My sisters? Not so much.

Except it wasn't. When my sisters found out that we're working on our marriage, they hit the roof. I got a call from my mom telling me I would need to talk to them so I did, each one in person, individually. When I'd first told them what was going on, they seemed pretty neutral and "I'm sorry. Let me know if I can do anything." Well, they were way more upset than I'd thought. Two were fairly quiet and somber. Basically said, “I love you and support you but I can't support this and I don't want to be around him.”

The other sister really let me have it. We have a complicated history. She had an eating disorder when we were teens and I was her main target. Really, she was verbally and emotionally abusive to me – not too much different from H. Our relationship improved some over the years but there were still flashes of the “old her” at times. This meeting was a big one. She lashed out. Accused me of “ruining the family.” Told me she has a big birthday coming up and now she doesn't even want a family get-together for it because of all this. Doesn't want my 8-year-old stepson around her kids (accused me of “pushing” him on the family – when I just shared achievements in group texts like my sisters do with their kids).

My therapist and his therapist have recommended we give them all time and then, eventually, maybe I sit down with them and talk to them again, explain that things are much better and that this is my marriage. Hopefully they'll come around and be willing to allow H and SS to take part in family things again.

Part of me really worries, though, that that won't happen. One sister in particular was VERY upset and angry. I'm also afraid they're going to let it bleed over to SS. That would make H even more hurt and angry.

I know H still worries about this. He wants to be accepted. He pushed everyone away before (self-protection and fear of abandonment) but he's finally come around on that. Now, though, they don't want him around. I fear that if it keeps going, he'll become entrenched in his “your family is awful” frame of mind again.

As usual, I feel stuck in the middle. Surely some of you have encountered situations like this?

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[once removed]

i think your therapist is right.

theirs is a separate, and different relationship with him. it will be an adjustment, to the extent it can be repaired. it may require a demonstration of consistency over a long time.

explain that things are much better and that this is my marriage.

i would also do a lot of listening, letting them vent, and validating where i can. they likely have steam they want to blow, on your behalf, on their behalf.

[Ozzie101]

Yes, that's pretty much what I did. I let them vent. I validated. I basically used the tools I've learned here (very helpful!).

I guess my fear is that H won't end up being patient. Or that they'll never come around and it will all end up a mess. Of course, that's worrying about things before they happen -- and about things I have little control over.

They don't know him. I can understand how they feel and why they feel that way.

A lot of it is just guilt on my part. I wish I hadn't told them. And if I had to do it over, I wouldn't.

[Red5]

*...that's worrying about things before they happen,

*...and about things I have little control over,

Hey Ozzie, don't beat yourself up  …  one day at a time here.

I read someplace a while back, that the act of "worrying" is one of the biggest waste of our time, and "soul energy" that we can do…

Your H is one thing, but an eight year old little kid?… "don't want him around"… hmmm.

I have experienced some of this same type of "foo behaviors"… many times in fact over the years (decades), in my two marriages… the previous and the current.

I remember, I was told, by my current uBPDw, one time, a few years ago, before I even knew about BPD… that "Viqtour" my sister in laws H, the one I went fishing with before the breakup… who told me all kinds of crazy stuff… (I digress)… anyways, it was like 2013'ish… uBPDw tells me that "Viqtour" is "not comfortable" around my autistic Son… this came through the "Foo" gossip line, sis-in-law, MIL... to uBPDw... and it was discussed as "valid" !

Well, you can imagine my response… an "untrained", non-mindful… "raw"… "What the heck!"... $&#%! response...… "before I had a clue about BPD" response… well, I think I said something to the effect… "well /F/ him, whiskey tango foxtrot… him and "Chrill" don't even have any kids"… "furthermore, if that's the case, me and Son (autistic) ain't going over there" (Thanksgiving)… "I won't "grace" him, or his wife with our presence"… "I'll spare them the 'acute and extreme discomfort' of being around MY Son"… "period"!

… and I remember adding, "your my wife "Q", and I expect you to support me and back me up"… yeah … talk about the bomb disposal guy cutting the "red" wire… BOOM!

Yeah… that's when the fight started… now remember, this was way before I had a clue about anything, so I was JADE, lock and load, and man the "sally ports" with bayonets fixed!…

Lord!… what a fight… let me say something, and please don't take it the wrong way… even after years of marriage, the "blood and water (wine)" thing is still strong… "Foo" will turn on you in a second!

I've had it happen too many times to think any different.

That boy, your step Son, imho, you need to be his advocate… who else does he have to be that, besides your husband… and kids know, and kids remember… I'm trying to remember when my three were eight... wow, it was bicycles... fishing, playing on the beach, Star Wars... just happy kid stuff... Lord, now I'm tearing up Ozzie... he's just eight for goodness sake ; (

Tough stuff Ozzie, I'm sorry your dealing with so much.

Seems every time we get the ship underway, and on the right heading, something goes "a~foul"… sabotage, and from your own "Foo" to boot… it ain't fair : (

Keep posting, and hang in there… I'm so glad your husband is in therapy, and it is making an impact, and helping to strengthen, restore, and reconcile your marriage… that is awesome… I wish I had that with my own wife…

Best wishes, Red5

[SunandMoon]

Hi Ozzie

It's really good to read that your H is in therapy and working towards change. That's a huge step forward for you both!

With your family, I would give it time and I definitely wouldn't discuss these problems with my H. It would only make him angry and more self-conscious around them, so keep it in-house (because it is after all a family thing).

They are naturally protective of you and that's nice that they love you and want to protect you. They are probably also suspicious of his ability to change, which is normal because change is hard for anyone.

Give it time... it's only been a short while and it will take time for the dynamics between him and your family to change too.

You've had the talk with everyone and said what you've needed to say. Listen to what they have to say but don't take it too much to heart. They are only looking out for you and want what's best for you.

Continue to attend family events together and let them see that you are happy together. That will bring about acceptance.

With your other sister (the emotionally abusive one), she is speaking for herself; not your family. Again I would continue to include your SS in the WA group and in family events.

People may say things to you in private but it's unlikely they will say the same things when face-to-face with your H or SS, so just brave it out and let the actions speak for themselves.

A lot of it is just guilt on my part. I wish I hadn't told them. And if I had to do it over, I wouldn't. 

I understand how you can feel like this now. But back when you told them, you needed the support system. If your H hadn't been receptive to change, things could have turned out very differently and you would have needed your family there. So you did the right thing at the time.

Head high, don't hurt hubby by sharing this stuff with him, and move on as you would like to see it become in the future.

SaM x

[Ozzie101]

Thank you all for the advice and support! I appreciate it.

Yes, Red5, I need to be an advocate for my stepson and I'm keeping that in mind. But it is something I worry about. It's something H is hyper-sensitive about (not without reason). He doesn't want him to feel different or to be treated differently than the other kids in the family. The problem is, he IS different. He joined the family at age 6. The others have been in it since birth. So, there's not the same level of connection. Those things take time. Also, he's a boy. The only other boy is nearly 14. The kids all close to SS's age are girls. They play well together but there are things (girly birthday parties, sleepovers) he's just not going to get to be a part of. Sometimes H is understanding about that. Sometimes he's not.

SunandMoon, yes, it will take time. I'm willing to do that. But it's something that worries H, as he's told me a couple of times. He's not the most patient person. After we talk it through, he usually feels better.

Continue to attend family events together and let them see that you are happy together. That will bring about acceptance.

That was my plan. Unfortunately, it's a no-go. My sisters don't want him there and don't want to be around him at all. What brought on the big emotional confrontations was a family get-together. A sister sent an email around about it. I mentioned to my dad that we were going to go, that H was actually feeling positive and excited about going with his new attitude and that we were going to make arrangements so SS (who was with his mom that week) could come too. My dad was positive and supportive. The next day I get the call from my mom about my sisters and needing to talk to them. Knowing H would be at the party was what set them off. So, I ended up going to the party alone, which H and my T said was the best thing to do -- show them that H wasn't keeping me from the family, etc. But it was difficult for me and very painful for H as well. I get it. It was probably too soon. But it still hurt.

H already knows a lot. He knows they don't feel comfortable seeing him. He knows one sister made comments about SS's behavior (which, if there was bad behavior, we didn't see it and she didn't tell us at the time -- we would have wanted to know so we could correct it). I haven't let him know some of the more hurtful things. But honesty is a BIG thing with him so I have to be careful.

[Red5]

Family dynamics can be very interesting, but also painful to the integrated relationships… par for course I reckon.

...let them see that you are happy together. That will bring about acceptance.

SunandMoon is right on the target here… I've been through this scenario as well… when the marriage is on the rocks, you go to "Foo" for support… and most times they give it to you, but sometimes they don't stay neutral, and encourage us to be adults, sometimes its, "well, that low rent ____"… so when there is reconciliation, the "low rent" software remains... there lays the problems… just as you are now experiencing Ozzie, but it sounds to me like its compartmentalized to your one sibling sister (?).

Sometimes, there is "strength in numbers"… we used to call it "we will roll four deep"… as in if we stick together as a group, then there wont be any problems, we as young servicemen used to "say" this when we went out into town on "shore leave" in a foreign port… as in. don't be alone, be in twos, threes and fours for safety… they, your "Foo" (sister) can think what they want to, if the family all sticks together kids running too and fro… then its pass the iced tea, and mashed potatoes, "boy, its sure good to see ya'll"  ... does this make sense?

I have something to share for comparison, this is on my uBPDw's side of the family… she was married before, and they were in the service (Army)… they had two kids, and they of course lived far away for a twenty year period, so as the kids grew, my wife's mum, and pop would never come to visit them, where they were stationed… but the eldest sister had three kids and lived in the same county .. so these kids got the lions share of love and stuff (attention) from grandmother, and grampa… matter of fact, it was years before my wife's kids ever even got to know their own grandparents… even to this very day, this dynamic is STILL there… all these kids are all now in their thirties, and that divide in still there… my wife asked her mum about it one time .. and mum says to her… "well now dear, that was your choice of a lifestyle, dad and I were under no obligation to come and see you, you should have come to us"… wow : (

To this very day, there is still extreme contention in my uBPDw's "Foo" about this… I've never been able to understand it...

So on Red5's side… in my first marriage before current uBPDw… we were also in the service (Marine Corps), I stayed in for over two decades… and its was quite different… Red5's Granny would grab up a couple of her grandkids… and say "ya'll pack up that Impala, and take me up to North Carolina, we go to see that baby boy great grandson !"

She did this for as long as I can remember, she passed in 1997… if it weren't by car, it was by Boeing… one of her Son's (Uncle 'L') was an airline pilot (TWA)… so this meant that Granny had a free seat, anywhere, anytime she ever wanted to go… and I tell you, we were all "scattered" across the Nation, and Granny logged many fight hours making the rounds to see, and to love up (!) on her Grand Youngins !… and she was alive long enough to do the same to a few Great Greats as well : )

If there is a Heaven… I have no doubt, that Granny is up there right now making biscuits for the Angels : )

Every "Foo" is different is guess…

Yes, I agree with others, the more time you and your H spend together, rolling two deep + kids (step son)… then as time passes, and time is served, so to speak, then your "Foo" will see for themselves… that "this is the way its going to be"… you are after all adults, so there you have it !

Family dynamics are like human behaviors (emotions)… they never disappoint… to either end of the spectrum, like the weather around here, if you wait a little while, it will soon change and be something different.

Good Luck Ozzie : )

Its all going to be alright !

Red5

[Ozzie101]

Thanks, Red5! I do think it will be OK. It's just another stress.

And Granny sounds awesome! Sounds like my grandparents. My paternal grandmother (only grandparent still living) is one of the only people who has been 100% loving, supportive and understanding through it all.

Had a really interesting talk with my T today about all this. She had some interesting insights regarding scapegoating, enmeshed family structures and individuation. We'll see how it all plays out!