He had another meltdown

[Perdita]

We went away overnight this week.  I booked a lovely cottage in the country for us.  We were greeted by a very gracious gentleman upon our arrival. That night we arrived back at the cottage after dinner and it's time for mister to iron his shirt and trousers for the following day's meeting (it was officially a business trip).  

I mentioned in a previous post that he is a slob and that I stopped ironing his clothes for him about a month ago.  I tried very hard to explain to him that it is very time consuming and tiring for me to take care of the household by myself only for him to mess everything up again the moment he steps back into the house.  Clothes on the floor, dirty dishes left where he used it, wrappers everywhere etc.  I never get time off to just relax. I don't want to constantly pick up after a grown ass man. He threw a fit every time I tried to have a calm adult discussion about it. Told me ironing is no big deal and that he can handle it himself.

That night at the cottage he was very angry again about having to do his own ironing. BTW, I still do his laundry.  Anyway, while he was ironing he kept swearing.  I remained quiet.  Finally he lost it and pulled the iron so hard in what I think was an attempt to rip the plug out the wall, that he instead ripped the cord out right at the iron itself.  I just saw the wires come out, sparks and then complete darkness.  He tripped the electricity in the entire place.  Everything was dark out except for the small solar lights in the garden.  Then he stormed out the cottage in a rage.

It was after 10 in the evening.  We then had to get the gentleman out to come and get the electricity going again.  The iron is ruined.  I am so embarrassed as I am the one that communicated with these people, booking the cottage, telling them our estimated arrival time and even asking for the iron and board to be left out.

Once the electricity was up and running again, he zoomed in on me and shouted "this is all your fault!  Because of you I had to iron my clothes last night until what time and tonight the same thing!"  I told him his clothes are his responsibility not mine, but since he was so upset I told him that I will iron his trousers after he finished the shirt.  I remained calm, but was so angry on the inside.  

In the morning I send messages to the owners and got a quote for the replacement of the iron.  I have yet to give it to him.  Can only imagine the tantrum.

Then today he called in a huff and told me that he got "escorted" out of a government building for being verbally abusive to staff.  Not the first time he has been "escorted" out of a building. He actually sounded half proud of himself when he phoned to tell me.  Extreme immaturity is part of what is at the root of these tantrums.  How much of BPD is actually about immaturity?

Meanwhile, I continue to see him ping pong back and forth on the chat app with  his ex.  The more he is in contact with that woman the more volatile he becomes.  I know him.  He tells her he is miserable with me and here's the thing - when he does this he then goes ahead and acts it out until he really is miserable.  This is a pattern with him that I have noticed over the years.  For instance, he will be happy and laughing, but the moment I take a photo he very deliberately changes his expression to miserable - almost like he is in physical pain.  Put the camera away and he is all smiles again.  I think he is so afraid that I will snap him smiling and post it on social media!  That won't match up with his lies.  I never put personal photos online though, but heaven forbid I should.

Just needed to get this out.  I am tired of these childish displays.

[Cat Familiar]

It doesn't seem like the consequences to his acting out behavior are teaching him anything, whether it be the power outage he induced or getting physically removed from the government building.

Do you feel like you might be rescuing him from the full weight of the consequences of his behavior?

You are dealing with so much childish behavior from him. What are you getting out of this relationship?

[Perdita]

Cat Familiar,

No, I don't feel I am rescuing him.  I wouldn't know where to begin.

I am not getting much out of this relationship at all anymore.  He has gotten worse and worse in every way.  Sometimes I think he just needs one huge public meltdown that will get him in enough trouble that he is forced to admit himself for mental evaluation.  He really is his own worst enemy but he doesn't see it.  He keeps complaining that his antidepressants and mood stabilizers aren't helping.  I keep telling him they will never work for him unless he goes into therapy and puts in the hard work himself.  He refuses. 

[AskingWhy]

After the pain of tears from the character assassinations over several years, I finally began to understand why my own uBPD H was the way he was.  He had a PD.  I mulled over his FOO and it all became clear to me.

I had little self esteem ten years into the marriage.  The blaming got to me and I felt worthless.  It took time for me to love myself and see my H for who he was.

Blaming is a cognitive distortion common in PDs.  A W is a handy punching bag to project of a man's hurts, disappointments and betrayals.   Your H had an epic tantrum, and I know exactly what you are feeling:  being startled for a split second, feeling fear, and then the hurt and disgust.  (For women, having a man dysregulate is often more terrifying simply because me are bigger and can do more harm that a woman to a man.)

I am sure your H was angry at himself for his tantrum and the damage he did, and yet projected that shame and rage onto you.  Again, I know the feeling of being blamed.     (My H recently was diagnosed with a chronic illness. Nothing really serious and more of a nuisance, but--you guessed it--he blamed me for it.)

 

[ortac77]

I think cat does have a point about rescuing - I know that for me I do it quite often  to 'keep the peace' - I also know that it only works for a short period until the next crisis and does risk intermittent reinforcement - I need to work much harder at this.

I also agree that blaming is a common distortion, my pwBPD sees his world through the eyes of a victim, thus whatever has triggered his emotional dysregulation is caused by the 'other' i.e usually me or 'others' - extended family, friends, mental health workers, Doctors etc, etc. Of course this then isolates him further and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy but he is course the victim of his own distortions.

Attempting to reason whist this occurs of course will not work after all its like reasoning with a child having a tantrum. After the passing of the crisis I can usually persuade him to look at the DBT skills he learnt in therapy but unless he returns to therapy (he dropped out last year) I doubt he will ever reach for them before the crisis starts.

I know because of the repetitive nature of his blaming and the constant theme of resentment of others that this is rooted in his upbringing and traumatic events, using past negative experiences to resolve problems in the present.

For me it gets tiresome to be blamed and although I cognitively understand what is happening I  find inevitably that it hurts me or makes me angry, I cannot constantly suppress those feelings. For others of course they do not understand therefore with each occasion he causes himself to become more isolated - as I say a self fulfilling prophecy!

I share your frustration Perdita

[Perdita]

I had little self esteem ten years into the marriage.  The blaming got to me and I felt worthless.  It took time for me to love myself and see my H for who he was.

Blaming is a cognitive distortion common in PDs.  A W is a handy punching bag to project of a man's hurts, disappointments and betrayals.   Your H had an epic tantrum, and I know exactly what you are feeling:  being startled for a split second, feeling fear, and then the hurt and disgust.  (For women, having a man dysregulate is often more terrifying simply because me are bigger and can do more harm that a woman to a man.)

AskingWhy,
It makes it all so much worse considering that we are the ones that see how they really are and still try our best to support them.  Yet despite our best efforts and intentions we end up being made to look bad to people in the BPD person's circle.  That really gets to me because I am almost certain none of them would even be able to handle the real him.  These people have no idea what we go through.

[Perdita]

I think cat does have a point about rescuing - I know that for me I do it quite often  to 'keep the peace' - I also know that it only works for a short period until the next crisis and does risk intermittent reinforcement - I need to work much harder at this.

I am really getting fed up with always having to do that, keep the peace.  I have sacrificed so much over the years just to keep him from having an outburst yet he has them constantly regardless of what I do and don't do. 

So often when we've been out of town I have wanted to go into interesting looking little local shops, but I don't dare do so.  He gets pissy.  Is always in a rush.  The times I am "allowed" to go into these places it is because he wants to smoke a cigarette which means I have to be done in 5 minutes anyway.  Meanwhile we stop at rest areas along the road so he can safely smoke weed.  That we will do for 20-30 minutes several times.  In the middle of nowhere and only so much scenery before one would reasonably want to move on again. I keep losing out on enjoying all these places, because of him.  It feels like life is passing me by.

I also agree that blaming is a common distortion, my pwBPD sees his world through the eyes of a victim, thus whatever has triggered his emotional dysregulation is caused by the 'other' i.e usually me or 'others' - extended family, friends, mental health workers, Doctors etc, etc. Of course this then isolates him further and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy but he is course the victim of his own distortions.

Same with mine.  Always the victim.  What he is really the victim of is his impatience, temper and poor decisions.

For me it gets tiresome to be blamed and although I cognitively understand what is happening I  find inevitably that it hurts me or makes me angry, I cannot constantly suppress those feelings. For others of course they do not understand therefore with each occasion he causes himself to become more isolated - as I say a self fulfilling prophecy!

I find myself becoming more and more resentful having to suppress my feelings and wants and needs so much. 

If those in his circle could watch our lives like a movie and see all his tantrums and how much I am constantly doing for him, their jaws would drop and they would feel ashamed for falling for his manipulations and making me out to be the problem.  I think some of them do know, but have been too lazy over the years to bother to do anything to try and help him.  It's just so much easier for them to look down on me.  One woman even went off at me a couple of weeks ago telling me to "stop acting like a damn psychopath".  Note that she has never seen me lose it with him or anything like that.  She's just a fool with a very big mouth that believes everything he tells her. 

I am just tired of being put down by him and people around him.  We moved into the new place 4 months ago.  His SIL hasn't even bothered once to come and see us even though it's only a 5 minute drive.  That said, I prefer she stays away considering her opinion of me despite the phony smiles.  This just confirms it all the more.  Still, it's nonsense that I should get treated like this because of his illness.

[Cat Familiar]

Why even try to placate him if he's going to have meltdowns anyway? What's the worst thing that would happen if you went into those interesting little local shops?

Having to suppress your feelings, wants, and needs is no way to live. What would happen if you allowed yourself to be authentic and to do what you want?

[Perdita]

Why even try to placate him if he's going to have meltdowns anyway? What's the worst thing that would happen if you went into those interesting little local shops?

He drives when we are on the road.  I have no say in where we stop.  Believe me I have tried.  He's never "in the mood for that".  He complains about not really living life, but the only one rushing pass everything is him.

[formflier]

Hey Perdita

In another thread you expressed interest in how to "take the initiative".

I see a couple opportunities in this thread.  Interested in kicking them around...trying on for size and perhaps you can pick 1 or 2 things to "shift" things.

Note:  It's unlikely he will like it, however it is likely it will move your relationship to a better place. 

Interested?

FF

[formflier]

Hey Perdita

Can you take some time and reflect on the two quotes below?  Please connect the dots for me on how ironing isn't rescuing?  There may be a point of view I'm missing.

FF

No, I don't feel I am rescuing him.  I wouldn't know where to begin.

 I told him his clothes are his responsibility not mine, but since he was so upset I told him that I will iron his trousers after he finished the shirt.  I remained calm, but was so angry on the inside.  

[Perdita]

Hey Perdita

Can you take some time and reflect on the two quotes below?  Please connect the dots for me on how ironing isn't rescuing?  There may be a point of view I'm missing.

FF

I ironed the trousers to get him to shut up basically.  We had been on the road for hours and I knew that he was likely to hit the ceiling about something else that night unless I did it.  I waited until the following night before I spoke to him about how overwhelmed I have been taking care of the household on my own while he just messed the place up everyday and refused to pick up after himself at the very least.  I told him that I never get to punch out at the end of the day because of him carrying on like a frat boy.  There has been some little improvements since his meltdown, but not enough yet for me to unpack my things that I packed up about a month ago when I left for over a week due to him refusing to help in and around the house.

[formflier]

I ironed the trousers to get him to shut up basically.  

What did this teach him? 

FF

[Perdita]

I've tried many approaches over the years and he doesn't react to any of them the way a normal person would. I skipped ironing anything for just over a month about and that's what led to the tantrum and power outage. So he didn't actually learn anything either way.

[formflier]

So...if he wants you to iron his stuff, should he be nice to you or throw a tantrum and ruin an iron?

Think about the lesson that was taught in the instance I pointed out.

FF

[Perdita]

He should contribute to running the household.  He would never iron my clothes for me. Least of all a whole week's worth of work clothes. That I know.

One of the things that happened at that place was that he went to the bathroom in  the middle of the night,  didn't switch the light on and ended up urinating entirely on the floor. Not even a drop on the seat. All on the floor around the toilet.  Fortunately I took my torch with when I went there later and noticed what had happened.  I would have stepped into it if I hadn't had the torch and my glasses on. Of course,  he was sleeping and after his tantrum I wasn't going to wake him up. I ended up cleaning up after him at around 3 in the morning.  Only way I could use the toilet. When I mentioned it to him later he just said he couldn't find the light switch - something I find hard to believe. This happens at home too due to him not switching on even the dim light. Fortunately we have separate bathrooms.

Since the weekend he has been putting a bit more effort into doing things like washing dishes.  The challenge for me now is how I can build on that and get him to contribute more overall - and then to keep doing it. 

[formflier]

Hey...not trying to be a booger here...but I don't see that you answered the question.  I wouldn't press this if it wasn't a very important question for you to ponder

How did you "train" your pwBPD to go about getting you to iron his clothes...based on that one instance with the "iron incident"?

Remember in your answer that pwBPD focus more on what you do and less on what you say.

FF

[Perdita]

You mean in the past or that one incident?

[formflier]

You mean in the past or that one incident?

This one incident. 

Feel free to explain show other ones as well. 

FF

[Perdita]

He's going to be here very soon. Will try to answer your question.

It all started way back when he had this very meddlesome slutty housemate that was a very willing participant in his triangulation.  This was our first year as a couple and I didn't yet know about his BPD or that the housemate was npd. I fell into a trap of constantly having to prove my worth. I did so by doing everything I could to make his life easier . . . And watched as he would reward the housemate as though she had done it. She loved this. It made her feel in control of him. He had her on a pedestal.  Took a while for me to understand the psychology behind all of this.

Up until December I hadn't ironed his clothes for him since the end of 2014. Only helped out occasionally.

When we moved in together I told him that I would run most of the household so that he could use the money he would have paid his maid and instead put it towards his bond.  I don't pay rent. I refuse to go that far as the house is in his name. If it were in both our names it would be a different matter.  I am more focused on increasing my income and building my saving so that I can be independent financially.  (I do have a house that is 2/3 mine; I want to buy the other's share out)

Today. The deal is that I do the biggest chunk of the household duties, but he must clean up after himself. No clothes, wrappers, towels on the floor etc. If he takes stuff out the fridge he must put it back or in the trash. Not leave it wherever he was using it. As I said in another post, he has been an absolute pig since we moved into this house. Something he had promised not to be. Throwing tantrums when I try to talk to him about picking up after himself.

So I stopped ironing for over a month. Obviously a lot of resentment built up in him about that and it blew up that night with the iron tantrum.  I know he was hoping I'd do the shirt and trousers after that tantrum,  but I offered only to do the trousers. He was shouting that I had made my point and that he was sick of working all day and then still having to iron. I reminded him that I did that and the bulk of the household duties for 3 months - and still worked from 8-6 - yet he wouldn't even pick his clothes up from the floor.

So yes, it probably send a message that he could count on me to fix his mess. It also hopefully got him thinking about whether or not he wants to keep messing up the house and do his own ironing - or be a big boy and start picking up after himself.

Yesterday was a week ago since his ironing tantrum. I would love to learn how to handle him without everything blowing up.

[formflier]

So yes, it probably (definitely)send a message that he could count on me to fix his mess. It also hopefully got him thinking about whether or not he wants to keep messing up the house and do his own ironing - or be a big boy and start picking up after himself.

Yesterday was a week ago since his ironing tantrum. I would love to learn how to handle him without everything blowing up.

The kind of "thinking" that you apparently want him to do (to be reflective about his role) isn't going to happen when he is all fired up emotionally.  It just isn't.

There can be a lot of reasons why he might get all fired up.  One of those reasons THAT YOU CONTROL  is whether or not him going emotionally off the rails "works for him".

The critical thing in my point is YOU (not he) control this part.

So...he wants something.  He throws tantrum.  He gets something.  A "simple" and emotionally compromised mind is going to understand that...very clearly.

A "simple" and emotionally compromised mind is NOT going to understand that he needs to be reflecting about his role and cause and effect simply because you did or didn't iron an article of clothing.  That's a much more complex thing.

To your question: If you want to handle things without blowing up, that's a multi step process to get there.

One of the first steps is to be able to have him "blow up" and not let it affect you.  You go on with your life...and definitely don't let his "blow ups" get him what he wants.

FF

[Perdita]

I feel I have made some progress as far as staying calm more than I use to in the past. I also try not to defend myself or engage when he has a tantrum.  The night of the ironing incident I didn't argue back or console him. I said nothing except that I would iron the trousers. In the past a tantrum and blame like that would have led to me apologizing over and over. The more I would do that the more manipulative he'd become.

I am still learning. Sometimes it very much gets to me though. It's as though he can really wait it all out so much longer than I can. Eventually he knows I am going to get upset at his tantrums.  I wish I could video him when he's like that and show it to him afterwards.  He demeans himself.  I feel embarrassed for him.

The kind of "thinking" that you apparently want him to do (to be reflective about his role) isn't going to happen when he is all fired up emotionally.  It just isn't.

There can be a lot of reasons why he might get all fired up.  One of those reasons THAT YOU CONTROL  is whether or not him going emotionally off the rails "works for him".

The critical thing in my point is YOU (not he) control this part.

So...he wants something.  He throws tantrum.  He gets something.  A "simple" and emotionally compromised mind is going to understand that...very clearly.

A "simple" and emotionally compromised mind is NOT going to understand that he needs to be reflecting about his role and cause and effect simply because you did or didn't iron an article of clothing.  That's a much more complex thing.

To your question: If you want to handle things without blowing up, that's a multi step process to get there.

One of the first steps is to be able to have him "blow up" and not let it affect you.  You go on with your life...and definitely don't let his "blow ups" get him what he wants.

FF

[formflier]

It's good that you have a trend of better "engagements" or "disengagements" with him.     

It matters MUCH MUCH MORE what you do or don't do, than what you say.  If you can pick one of the two to work on..focus on doing/not doing.

This incident is past, so focus on learning as much from it as you can. 

FF

[Perdita]

Yes, that is something I have learned on here. Actions over words.  Rational adult conversations don't work.  That's what's so confusing when we are trying to navigate our way in these relationships, especially when we don't yet know it's BPD and even once we know it still takes years to gain real understanding.  Or perhaps I am just a slow learner.

Last night there was a lot of dodgy things with him again regarding where he was between 4 - 6pm. Long story, but he was lying again.  Probably involving the ex again. I stayed calm and just casually said "oh that doesn't make sense that you think you left your wallet at the coffee shop. You didn't even go there today."  Of course he went there to "run into"  her as he does every damn day! He just lied about it. Then he claimed he went there for breakfast - and only realised at 6pm that his wallet was missing! He even called the shop about the wallet with me standing next to him.

He's lying.  He will never admit it, but sometimes I have to be satisfied just knowing out of common sense that he is lying.

[formflier]

  Rational adult conversations don't work.  

Let's expand this point..because "it depends"

When they are "calm" and "centered", there is a chance that rational conversation will work.  There is also a chance that the content of that conversation will "trigger" them...and hype up emotions.

Validation  and other tools may work to help keep emotions in check.

Once the "emotion train has left the station"...there is little chance (in my experience) that validation and tools "will bring them back".  Use boundaries to protect yourself...and let the emotional thing run its course.

Switching gears for a moment. 

I'm wondering if it helps you/how it helps you to spend brainpower on figuring out his "lies"...when you don't really know. 

How does this help you?

How does this help him?

How does this help the relationship?

It may help...I'm trying to understand your point of view on this.

FF

[Perdita]

It's important to me because ignoring the obvious signs that he's lying means that I am sticking my head in the sand. It's bad enough dealing with a BPD partner.  To be in denial about the lies would be even worse. Very 1950s housewife.

[AskingWhy]

Perdita, my uBPD H used to have tantrums all the time over the most trivial things:  housework not done on his schedule, food not prepared on time, food prepared too early--just about everything.

Years ago, this used to affect me to the point where I turned into a weeping, sobbing mess right in front of him. This appealed to his NPD side to see me whittled down to a wreck.  It took time, but I vowed to myself over 10 years ago that no man would be able to have that much power over me.

In time, his cruel words and name-calling, threats and tantrums (holes punched in walls, breaking my property, etc.) had no effect on me.  When he trashed the kitchen by throwing soiled dishes covered with food all over, I just left he kitchen and went into another room and ignored him.  I just made sure the pets (who usually ran and hid anyway) and grandchildren were safe from any broken glass or dishes.  It was on him to clean it up.  It stayed dirty for hours, even after he took the car and left, and he quietly started cleaning up the messes he made when he returned.

To his divorce threats, I would originally beg to talk it over with him, crying and begging him not to leave. This also came to an end.  If he mentions divorce verbatim or hints at it in any way ("I don't see why we are still together."  "You think I am going to be in your life forever, just you wait and see.") I just say, "Whatever.  Do what you have to do."  I also hint that his first wife, uNPD, left him after finding a lover.  I say, "Sure. This is a no-fault state."  This preys on his abandonment fears and he shuts up.  He was hoping to use the threats over me, but they no longer work.  I also outright laugh at him now.  I am also much stronger emotionally than years ago, and confident I will survive a divorce.

This may not work for you, as every marriage to a pwBPD is different, but you may wish not to engage if your H dysregulates as this only gives him the drama he is craving, and will escalate any yelling or a tantrum.  

Hugs to you, dear.