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Author Topic: Should I work on the relationship? I will never really forgive him for the past.  (Read 987 times)
Frankee
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« on: March 19, 2019, 01:49:25 PM »

I also forgot to include something important.  We were talking about the time before where he physically abused me.  He says if I remember a lot of it was the time he was on crystal meth.  Then he says to me, don't you remember a lot of the stuff you did to me?  Do you know what kind of emotional abuse it does to someone to lie to a person that has abandonment issues, especially about a sex offender.  Don't I know what kind of scars that leaves on a person?  Yeah, you can remember the physical abuse more, but don't I remember how long I lied to him.

I echoed that it feels like he is saying that I almost deserved what happened.  He replied that isn't what he was saying, wasn't I listening?

He talks about 7 years ago like since it was so long ago and he thought I was over it.  I told him to his face, any normal person would have walked away from you long time ago.  He said, yet you stayed even when I told you to leave.  I said, maybe I was a little f*ed up.

Maybe I was f*ed up to not walk away years ago when the abuse started.  Million dollar question.  Should I make an effort to work on the relationship, when part of me is wondering if I will ever really forgive him or ever get over the past?
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« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2019, 06:14:35 PM »

In a word CPTSD. That's why you stayed.

Now you're at choice. Previously you didn't feel like you had a choice.

Do you want to forgive him? Do you want to be with him? Do you love him? Can you imagine growing old with him?
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« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2019, 02:11:42 AM »

Moving forward after a line is crossed (emotional into physical abuse) is always difficult to discuss as everyone has reasons to leave or stay. 

Cat has some very good questions to ask yourself.  A good book by Lundy Bancroft is, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"  It's the companion workbook to, "Why Does He Do That?  Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." 
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« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2019, 06:03:01 AM »

I am currently trying to keep the peace.  It is harder than I thought.  Yesterday I felt he was being a royal jerk and I ended up saying shut the F up to him and telling him he was being a royal a$$hole.  The icing on the cake was late last night. 

My gifriend messaged me and said "Hey girlie sorry didn't get bk to u yesterday. What u up to today? Couples counseling...hmmm maybe it'll help who knows...if its what u both want to try then go for it. Don't fight for something ur heart, mind, body and soul isn't  into anymore." And proceeded to send me a Beefcake Girls Night Out flyer.   I didn't see the message and I left my phone out when I went to shower.  My H snooped my phone and saw it.  He started up with it.

I don't know snoop his phone because I honestly don't want to know what he is up to anymore.  I have enough stress and problems to want to create more.  He said I told her I wanted to leave him, I was waiting for the next best thing to come along like Every other woman, because she is a divorced slu+ that means everyone has to be.  He found out I deleted some messages I sent her because I told him I did.

He said He's more hurt than made that I can't talk to him and I talk about him behind his back.

He keeps saying I am set on leaving him for the next best thing and to hop on that train.  I already told him that he should be more worried about me enjoying time by myself.  I have been stupid and wasted so many years in relationships that turned out to be $hit.  I am becoming more accepting of wanting to be by myself.

I am not sure I WANT to forgive him.  I am not sure if I really want to be with him or I am with him for non-love reasons.  I use to see getting old with him, not I am taking it a day at a time.
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« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2019, 09:26:06 AM »

So he violated your privacy and now he feels hurt because you can talk honestly and openly with your girlfriend about him. And he thinks you shouldn't talk about him at all. (Hello? Does he know nothing about women?)

Of course you're going to talk with your friends about your relationship. That's what we do.

He badmouths your friend and jumps to conclusions that you are hunting for his replacement.

As you told him, what is more of a threat is that you are finding that you can be self sufficient on your own. And you're realizing how much chaos and stress that he brings to the relationship.

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« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2019, 11:03:10 AM »

I think my self awareness of that I can be self sufficient, really take care of myself is what is spurring me to feel distant.  We got into a fight this morning.  He was telling me that he has been trying to talk to me for days, but is constantly wondering if I am going to blow up, walking on eggshells, that he's trying to be nice and supportive.  That he knows I have been for years and now he is trying to be towards me.  But how it feels I am acting like him on purpose.  He got frustrated because I was being rude and wanted to look at our bank account when he said we had x amount of dollars.  Then he was like I have a right to get frustrated and you not act like a bit**.  I froze and had to clench my jaw in order to complete explode at him. 

He's getting frustrated because now he feels like I am acting like how he was.  He wants to compare his behavior before to how I am acting now.  My behavior now is because I have reached a breaking point with him and I am SO fed up with all his B'S.  His behavior before was directed at everyone, mine is solely at him.  My anger and explosive behavior is towards him.  I was honest and said that my feelings the past couple weeks have changed towards him and I am not about our future.
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« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2019, 11:17:32 AM »

My anger and explosive behavior is towards him.  I was honest and said that my feelings the past couple weeks have changed towards him and I am not about our future.

 Paragraph header (click to insert in post)  Whether it is him being explosive or you, the risk for bodily harm is the same.

Frankee, it's really important to keep the conflict civil... don't amp it up... it's dangerous. 

I'm not suggesting that you feel different - just that you express yourself / cope in healthy ways.

Be careful...
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« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2019, 12:44:03 PM »

I second Skip's message. Please be very careful.

Of course you're angry. You have a lot to be angry about. And you felt like you had to stuff those feelings. for. years.

Be strategic. Look at the big picture. You want to have a career that will provide well for you and your kids.

Maybe you're staying right now because it's easier financially. Maybe you're figuring out whether or not you want to be with him in the future.

He's demonstrated that he can be out of control with his emotions and has the ability to harm you physically. Please don't poke the bear. Do whatever you can to be civil.
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« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2019, 01:50:01 PM »

I agree with Skip and Cat. Tread carefully and try not to escalate a volatile situation.

That being said, you need an outlet for those feelings, or emotional reactivity is almost guaranteed. Keep posting here, talk with your therapist or the dv advocate. Anything but keeping them bottled up, because that's not sustainable.
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« Reply #9 on: April 01, 2019, 09:37:05 AM »

I'm not suggesting that you feel different - just that you express yourself / cope in healthy ways.

There is a harsh truth I realized this morning.  No matter how good my bph is doing, the real truth is, he can't handle it.  He really can't handle me being open with him about my worries with school.  He can't handle my unregulated emotions, blowing up at him when I have past emotional issues surfacing.  He can't handle that I am putting other things first such as school.  Then he doesn't visually see me study enough, so he blows up that I am flipping out but not doing anything.  I tell him how I truly feel and my grade.  He blew up and said I am blaming everything on him.  I asked him like what?  He got angry I am making a D in my Human Anatomy and said I am blaming him because I chose to go out for our anniversary inside of lab. 

He also got angry again I told my friend that I didn't want to go out that I needed to study and I was freaking out about school.  He obviously snooped on my phone again because he knew exactly what I said.  He wants me to talk to him and tell him the things I tell her, but he ends up exploding that he's sick of hearing it.

I asked him a simple question.  Did you see papers on the table you moved last night.  Turned into him just blowing up about how if I had helped him like he asked in the first place with clearing out of the space, I wouldn't have to ask.  There was a credit card in an envelope that I had set down on the table. Then turned into me "refusing" to help him when he ask, that it is a small space and I "refuse" to keep it clean.

I agree with Skip and Cat. Tread carefully and try not to escalate a volatile situation.

That being said, you need an outlet for those feelings, or emotional reactivity is almost guaranteed. Keep posting here, talk with your therapist or the dv advocate. Anything but keeping them bottled up, because that's not sustainable.

I thought I could be really open with him.  I tried.  I tried to be vulnerable and show him I don't always have everything under control.  I tried to just let my emotions come and go so I could finally process them.  It hasn't been that long since I have felt/been this way.  I really did believe that I could be open.  This morning he made me feel horrible.  Got so angry that I have been venting my worries and being really honest with him.

How I feel today is I truly cannot let my guard down with him.  It became crystal clear that I cannot truly be totally honest with him.  It was thrown in my face that if I flunk out somehow I will blame him.  I was offended because he said I would do that from past experience. 

The truth?  People with bph can try very hard to change, but they will never truly be better.  I should not feel like complete cr@p for trying to have a open honest relationship that he wanted and getting screamed at for being open.  He has made it clear that no matter what I do, it will never be good enough.  So from today forward, I will put the facade back on with him and work towards my future.  I will use this and my counselor as safe places to work through my emotions.  Without his help.
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« Reply #10 on: April 01, 2019, 10:13:44 AM »

It's really sad and frustrating to realize that you can be more emotionally open with your friends than your spouse.

There may come a time when he is emotionally resilient enough to handle your unfiltered emotions and concerns, but as you've realized, now is not a good time to share your worries with him.

I'm glad that you have safe places to be yourself. 
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« Reply #11 on: April 01, 2019, 10:29:09 AM »

Frankee,

That sounds like exactly what used to happen with my stbx. He would seem to be in a better place, and even invite me to share with him, but when I did he would make it all about him and blow up. Then he would blame me for having the very feelings he pushed me to express to him.

It really is frustrating, and it made me feel so alone in my relationship. I realized that I just didn't have a safe person in my life to share with other than my counselor.

It's good that you have your friends and your therapist. It seems as though he is threatened by any person who can provide something for you that he can't, and he doesn't seem to be able to recognize that his behavior is causing you to retreat instead of come closer. He seems to want to force a close relationship between the two of you through control, blaming, and criticizing, and of course that is the antithesis to emotional intimacy.

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« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2019, 11:32:21 AM »

There may come a time when he is emotionally resilient enough to handle your unfiltered emotions and concerns, but as you've realized, now is not a good time to share your worries with him.

I'm glad that you have safe places to be yourself. 
Thank you Cat.  I feel safe enough to know that now if there aren't drugs or alcohol involved that he isn't a physical threat at this point.  It's just obvious that his stress is too much to handle plus my own stress.


It really is frustrating, and it made me feel so alone in my relationship. I realized that I just didn't have a safe person in my life to share with other than my counselor.

It seems as though he is threatened by any person who can provide something for you that he can't, and he doesn't seem to be able to recognize that his behavior is causing you to retreat instead of come closer. He seems to want to force a close relationship between the two of you through control, blaming, and criticizing, and of course that is the antithesis to emotional intimacy.

He at one point said that he knows I am not comfortable talking to him about certain things, but when he finds out that I say those things to my girlfriend, he gets angry I don't tell him, them gets angry because I tell him TOO much.  Talked about your F'ed up catch 22.  He does acknowledge my emotions processing past incidents, he tries to be supportive, understanding, talks to me about how he's going to give me time and patience.  It just feels at the same time that he says this, but it feels in less than a week, he tells me that he's trying all of this stuff and nothing is working.

Is it just me and do people with BPD work on their own messed up little timeline?  They really don't have a concept on how long it takes people to get over stuff, which is hypocritical because I asked him, how does it feel when someone tells you to get over stuff that happened when you were a child?
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« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2019, 12:35:59 PM »



Is it just me and do people with BPD work on their own messed up little timeline?  They really don't have a concept on how long it takes people to get over stuff, which is hypocritical because I asked him, how does it feel when someone tells you to get over stuff that happened when you were a child?

This was my experience with uBPDh. He simultaneously expected me to process, heal, and let go within days, yet he wanted unlimited "understanding" and a wide berth to continue his destructive behaviors, moods, and thought patterns because of his own trauma from years past. It made no sense and was completely maddening to me. I didn't get how he could not see the ridiculous double standard.

Maybe he just saw himself as the victim, so anyone else (mainly me) could not also need time, patience, tolerance, and support, because that took the focus off of his perpetual victimhood and threatened his entitlement to receive sympathy and attention.

Plus, I think he just expected me to be the stable rock, kind of the counterpoint to his quicksand, and any sign that I might be a real human with limited capabilities was intolerable (abandonment fear; I might be too preoccupied with my own humanity to take care of him), and also the fact that he recognized on some level that his behavior caused hurt to me (shame; I needed to hurry up and get past it so he could live with comfortable denial that what he did wasn't that bad and was, in fact, something that average couples do from time to time to each other).

He just seemed to feel entitled to be "the messed up one" and I had to be "the one who was 'on point' ". These were our defined roles in his head, and he refused to see it in anything other than those rigid, stark, black-and-white terms.
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« Reply #14 on: April 01, 2019, 12:45:39 PM »

Is it just me and do people with BPD work on their own messed up little timeline?  They really don't have a concept on how long it takes people to get over stuff, which is hypocritical because I asked him, how does it feel when someone tells you to get over stuff that happened when you were a child?

Not just you.  

From what I’ve observed, when the non has issues or wounds from the past, the pw BPD can be sympathetic for a while, but soon their own needs for reassurance overwhelm their compassion and they think you’re taking an excessive time to get over something.

If we aren’t the strong rock foundation for them, it causes them anxiety and they want us to return to status quo immediately.

As far as processing their own stuff, I’m not sure they do. I think they often hit a point where it’s too painful to proceed and they stop.

As evidence of that, my mother would repeatedly tell me the same stories, word for word, about traumatic incidents that happened in her life decades prior and she would stop at the same points, where she would choke up with emotion and say, “I don’t want to talk about it any more.” (And she was the one who brought it up in the first place.)

Likewise my husband has had issues with his sisters about the same issues for as long as Ive known him. Thanks to therapy, he’s made a little progress. (Very little, but at least it’s progress.)
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« Reply #15 on: April 01, 2019, 03:00:28 PM »

He simultaneously expected me to process, heal, and let go within days, yet he wanted unlimited "understanding" and a wide berth to continue his destructive behaviors, moods, and thought patterns because of his own trauma from years past.

Plus, I think he just expected me to be the stable rock, kind of the counterpoint to his quicksand, and any sign that I might be a real human with limited capabilities was intolerable (abandonment fear; I might be too preoccupied with my own humanity to take care of him), and also the fact that he recognized on some level that his behavior caused hurt to me (shame; I needed to hurry up and get past it so he could live with comfortable denial that what he did wasn't that bad and was, in fact, something that average couples do from time to time to each other).
I feel that is what is happening to day.  He's totally bugging out about doing "my job".  He's basically having a mental breakdown for like stuff I was dealing with when I was staying at home.  He screamed that I was going to say that now you know how it feels and I said I wasn't going to say that.  I was going to say I understand.  Then I didn't reassure him that I wasn't leaving.  He sees me going off to get an education which I'm not even doing that good in school.  Then I will leave when I am good and ready.  Maybe I am.  I realized I hadn't reassured him until after the fourth time he said something.  I am starting to wonder if I didn't right away because I am not sure I really believe I won't leave him. 

I feel anger towards him.  Mostly for relapsing on his current behavior and going back to his "you're not helping me at all".  I really do feel like he isn't able to be the rock in this relationship.  He gets mad about us switching roles, but at the same time, I have proven I can handle "both roles".  I even had a question pop into my head earlier that the really cruel side I me would had asked him.. "so what are you good for then?"  He's feeling how I was feeling staying at home with the kids EXCEPT he's cracking up the pressure a lot faster and a lot more dramatic.

When the non has issues or wounds from the past, the pw BPD can be sympathetic for a while, but soon their own needs for reassurance overwhelm their compassion and they think you’re taking an excessive time to get over something.

If we aren’t the strong rock foundation for them, it causes them anxiety and they want us to return to status quo immediately.
In all reality, I still haven't forgiven him for his behavior a month ago.  What is even more upsetting is I keep going through this cycle.  Fight, I get on the defense and pull away, he centers himself (i.e., shows he can be compassionate, understanding, supportive, etc), I slowly ease out of the feeling of not wanting to be with him, end up allowing myself to have warm fuzzy feelings for him again, it's good for a bit, and then bam!  Reset. 

I agree Cat.  I think I always knew I was the strong foundation, but maybe part of me felt like he could be one.  That we could have a real partnership/relationship.  Something snapped with him today.  What is even more frustrating is I don't feel the urge to fuel the fire right now.  I know I have a test on Wednesday and I need to suck it up and put everything else on hold the next couple days and really focus on that.
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« Reply #16 on: April 02, 2019, 09:07:26 AM »

It was easy for him to be critical about housekeeping, child care, and all the other tasks you were doing, but now that he's doing them, he's realizing that it's pretty stressful. I'm assuming that he hasn't found a job yet and that you're working and going to school.

You might be cycling through those "honeymoon cycles" more quickly these days. Now that you're questioning whether you really could have a strong partnership with him, how are you feeling about the future?
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« Reply #17 on: April 02, 2019, 11:14:14 AM »

It's understandable that you haven't forgiven him for his treatment of you a month ago and that you are still carrying hurt and anger from it. He hasn't fully acknowledged the impact it had on you, nor given you the space and compassion you need to work through it.
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« Reply #18 on: April 03, 2019, 02:10:52 PM »

You might be cycling through those "honeymoon cycles" more quickly these days. Now that you're questioning whether you really could have a strong partnership with him, how are you feeling about the future?
I am not feeling too good about the future.  It seems that this whole doing good thing he is doing is a way to go back to how it use to be.  Him the man, me the woman.  Doing my "womanly" duties.  Telling me I have been acting abnormal.  Even asked about a welt that was on our youngest one's cheek.  Made a comment about how I left mad and he can back with a welt on his cheek.  Then asked me what happened when I didn't know what he was talking about because I hadn't noticed the red spot.  Basically indirectly calling me a child abuser and then when I call him out on it, he says he never said I was that.  He said he has the right to ask, but at the same time threw in me leaving mad.  I asked him what he leaving mad has anything to do with the red spot.  His reason was I said I wouldn't be a lot of things that have changed.  So me never cheating or beating the kids is something that might change.

It's understandable that you haven't forgiven him for his treatment of you a month ago and that you are still carrying hurt and anger from it. He hasn't fully acknowledged the impact it had on you, nor given you the space and compassion you need to work through it.
I am tired of trying to talk to him about honest feelings.  He gets butt hurt when I talk to others openly, but then mad about stuff I try to talk to him. 

My current biggest issue is I literally don't have any warm feelings towards him.  I know he is trying to help, he wants my attitude to change, he wants me to show him I love him, I just... can't.  I guess I could fake it.  I am struggling though, I feel I don't have the energy to into our relationship.  He wants to fix it and talk about it, I feel more like I could really care less.  I am not sure what to do about these seemingly constant  coldness towards him.
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« Reply #19 on: April 03, 2019, 03:35:56 PM »

It sounds like you're noticing a pattern of no longer having positive feelings for him. I don't think you'd be happy pretending that you do.
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