Things are better, but I'm still not 100 percent happy

[WitzEndWife]

The good news: he's finally kept up working for the most part for the past three months. He has had a few meltdowns over people giving him less than 5-star reviews over his rideshare services, or him not being able to acquire tons of clients for his detailing business in the first couple of months of putting cards on windshields. As we know, patience isn't really a key strength in BPD partners.

He has been paying for his car and for insurance bills, as well as for his own personal needs. That's definitely something, although he does gripe about my taking "all of his money" every couple of weeks.

When he's working consistently, he generally has a better mood and is less hostile with me. Plus, just being around me less often creates fewer opportunities for nitpicking and arguments.

Still, I'm unhappy and yet frozen in my FOG tracks. I'm working with a therapist on myself, and have made some great breakthroughs regarding my self confidence, and overall feel a lot more relaxed and calm, but I keep expecting to feel strong enough to make a change, and I'm not quite there yet. I love him, but I'm still not IN love with him, as hard as I try to feel something. I'm in limbo between trying to love him more and trying to care less. Every time he has a meltdown, I think, "This is SO not normal. I want normal." I think of the lack of support I have emotionally, and how nice it would feel to have someone who could do some supporting. I have had realistic dreams about meeting someone kind, someone who isn't constantly petulant and controlling.

My birthday is tomorrow. I'll be 39. Do I want to still be here when I reach 40? This is the year to start figuring out how to put myself first.

[Cat Familiar]

First of all WEW, Happy Birthday 

Those milestone birthdays are great opportunities to see if we are on a path that makes us happy and is sustainable. You've got a year to figure that out. 

He's doing better, but is it enough? Is he the person you want to grow old with?

[formflier]

Happy Birthday!          

And..I really like the deliberate thought you are putting into where you want to be in a year...or longer.

Far too many people just bounce around from one thing to another without any thought to a long term plan...a "strategic" plan if you may.

After you finish celebrating your birthday...would you be interested in getting into more detail about "happiness"?  I'm interested in how that is discussed in your therapy.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks for the Birthday wishes, Cat and FF! I am a pretty reflective person, and luckily, through therapy, I've become pretty self aware, but now it's a matter of going from self awareness to action. What's holding me back?

I think I spoke too soon on things going well. Last night, H raged at a woman in the dog park for being scared of my hound barking (she barks to get people to throw the ball, and for some reason, this woman was freaked out and threatened to get the dog banned from the park). He called her every name in the book, and she recorded it with her phone, so I'm pretty sure that he secured himself a ban from the dog park. This is inconvenient because we don't have a yard (we live in the city), and the dog park was the only place the dogs could run around off leash. He rushed home, insisting that we move immediately, because he wasn't going to spend another moment in a neighborhood full of enemies. He also secured himself a ban from the neighborhood Facebook page last year because he threatened someone who argued with him. Needless to say, the neighborhood are probably now not big fans of ours. This burns because my reputation goes down the toilet with him.

Anyway, obviously his need to "get away" was a play to escape the consequences of his actions. I said I absolutely wasn't going anywhere and he claimed that he was going to leave without me. I said, "Okay, bye." He then phoned his mother, thinking that she would somehow validate his behavior, but, of course, she didn't. She tried to talk him down from his ranting, and back to his senses. He came down a bit, but was still trying to rant about the situation to me. I remained silent. I told him I didn't want to discuss it, that I was tired and that I just wanted to eat dinner and go to bed. He was surprisingly complacent.

Now it's a matter of holding my ground through this new wave of, "I'm miserable here, and I'm going to be depressed and miserable until we move" garbage that I'm sure he will pull. I'm sure that there is nothing I'll be able to smooth over with the neighborhood association, so I'm sure we'll be banned from the park. I haven't yet heard anything though.

This is frustrating for me, and will have a lasting impact, whether or not we stay together long term. At any rate, I'm sure people are looking at me strangely for being with the abusive jerk, or they think I cosign such things secretly. I'm just SO tired.

Tonight I'm going to restorative yoga with a coworker and I won't be home until bedtime, so I'll be able to pretty much avoid the drama. Hopefully without having me to rant to, he'll be a bit more calm tomorrow. We know how much their drama loves an audience.

Ugh. Never a dull moment. Happy birthday to me. I certainly do need to look at my path to happiness, because this is NOT it. 

[formflier]

I wonder if you held him to his word...what would happen?

Quietly of course. 

Is he in therapy?  How much T has he done in his life?

FF

[formflier]

so I'm sure we'll be banned from the park. I haven't yet heard anything though.

Why would YOU be banned? 

Please don't "attach" yourself to his consequences.  In fact, I think it would be quite liberating for you to fight and win "access" to the park for yourself and your dogs..without him.

Seriously...unless I missed something, you didn't do anything..anything wrong. 

By the same token, please don't spend any energy whatsoever saving him from his consequences.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I'm with FF about you not attaching your reputation to him. So what if your neighbors think he's an azz. That doesn't mean that you are.

Lots of people are married to grumpy nasty partners. I think people might be more understanding than you think. And perhaps now is a good time to differentiate yourself from him.

[formflier]

  now is a good time to differentiate yourself from him.

A very good way to put it!

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Well, the ban will be for the dog (at least the big dog, maybe not the smaller one - I don't know - and most certainly for my husband). I spoke to the woman he verbally assaulted. She says she's now afraid of him, but that she knows I'm a reasonable person. I don't know when or how the ban will go into effect. I sign up both dogs together, and us as a family, as it's tied to our HOA account, so it's likely that we would get a blanket ban - which is why I said, "we."

I DO differentiate myself from him. We have completely separate lives. Please don't misunderstand my "we" for my not feeling separate from him. However, I do worry about what people think of me in the neighborhood, and am mortified at his behavior. Just like someone would be mortified at the behavior of a drunk partner at an HOA meeting.

Of course, last night he was all sunshine and roses when I got home, excited about the present he'd gotten me for my birthday. Thinking about this issue makes me emotionally exhausted. It's so much easier for me to just ignore this drama and go on with my work life, avoiding home as much as possible. I know that's not realistic, but sometimes it's all I can do to keep my stress levels low.

I'm talking to my therapist today, thank the heavens! I already told her I had a doozy for her. I'll report back afterward.

[Perdita]

Every time he has a meltdown, I think, "This is SO not normal. I want normal." I think of the lack of support I have emotionally, and how nice it would feel to have someone who could do some supporting.

Same here.  I think most of us long for that support that we are missing out on.  It's very tiring to always be the one having to do the supporting.  I'm increasingly not bothering to support him.  I am just too exhausted.

[formflier]

For clarity...or lack of a better saying "I'd suggest you throw you hubby under the bus"...for the dog.

It's BS to ban the dog.  Anyone with a lick of sense or animal knowledge knows that a "bad owner" or "bad trainer" can turn an animal down the wrong path.

I might think it reasonable to have you get a letter/eval from a vet or vet and trainer...and then get cleared to take the dog back.

To be clear...is there any history of biting or actually jumping on people and hurting them (the old animal control part of me coming out)

Sometimes my animal control guys would have to let people know that them being scare of an  animal isn't enough to ban an animal.  Some animals "look" scary. 

There has to be behavior.

FF

[Red5]

My birthday is tomorrow. I'll be 39. Do I want to still be here when I reach 40? This is the year to start figuring out how to put myself first.

Happy belated birthday WEW!  

40?… I remember that birthday : )

That was during… the second Bush (Dubya) administration  !

Dogs… I'm between dogs right now, our two elderly pups crossed that rainbow bridge in November, and March ; (

… but we still got them two stray cats : )

They (two stray cats) will be three this year, we've had them since they were a week old, they were abandoned for some reason at 'barely a week' old… I need some time before another stray dog comes along… but I think its the stray dog who decides that… not us : )

I hope you have a wonderful day !  

Kind Regards, Red5

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks for the birthday wishes, Red5! I'm sorry you lost your pups. 

SO, I talked to my therapist this afternoon and relayed the story and what I did afterward, and she thinks there's some issue in me that my husband is triggering that keeps me stuck and makes me do things like worry about what the neighborhood association will think of me. My homework is to do some journaling on what feelings he brings up when he does various things. This is all part of the self esteem work that we're moving into. I discovered a lot of things I didn't know were there recently. It has been cringe-y and painful, but I'm determined to get to the bottom of it. I can't be in limbo mode forever!

As for the dog, apparently other dog owners complained about her barking, and say that it triggers aggression and fear in their dogs - so much so, that some people avoid bringing their dogs to the park when she's there. I'm not usually there, so I don't know what-all goes on when it's just my H and the dogs. I assume he's not very thoughtful or considerate, nor does he probably recognize signals of discomfort with other dogs (or people). So, I imagine I'll be getting an email soon, detailing the nature of the ban. I guess it's probably for the best for now.  We'll just have to walk her a lot more.

I'm thinking through my reasons for staying and my reasons for wanting to leave, and keeping those things top of mind. Lots of journaling ahead. I need to break through this limbo state!

[believer55]

Hi WEW and belated birthday wishes 

I am closing the gap on 50 and with each year I am asking myself what do I want my life to look like as I head to this next milestone. My kids are getting older and I also have the same thoughts:

Every time he has a meltdown, I think, "This is SO not normal. I want normal."

As I get older I want peace, I want times I can just sit down and relax and not be thinking of strategies to calm the storm, I want to enjoy hobbies that don't involve him, I want to be able to see my friends and family without feeling like I am abandoning my husband, I want to put myself first sometimes.

I don't know if there is such a thing as "normal" but I don know when you are living with a pwBPD you experience a relationship very different to many other people and sometimes I want what they have.

I hope your birthday wishes come true and I wish for you a more "normal" experience

xxx

[Leah66]

I can relate to your situation and embarrassing  emotional outbursts. It is nothing major but it interferes with my happiness and well being.
I just wish he was normal like other people. I get jealous of other people's happiness as I never know when he will have an angry outburst.
Your post helps me understand that others are dealing with this not just me.  I am considering going to a therapist that specializes  in BPD.