Play Therapy for Kids of BPD parent

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am just wondering if anyone's children who are in therapy have utilized play therapy and whether it is effective?

I met with the child therapist yesterday for a consult for our daughter. She specializes in dealing with BPD and suggested that I learn how to do play therapy to help our daughter with her emotional development. I'll be meeting with her for a few sessions alone initially to learn this before our daughter meets with her.

She also provided a lot of insight on BPD (she said BPD are her favourite to deal with, WTH?) and I'm hoping I'll learn things from her that I can use with our daughter, and maybe even my BPD ex. She said that there are ways that you can tap into the BPD mind to sometimes bring them out of their anger/high emotional states. So much of what she explained how BPDs see things made sense based on how my BPD ex has reacted in the past. It was really interesting.

She was very positive though and said that even though dealing with a BPD ex can be difficult, draining and forever ongoing, there are ways to make it easier both for the non-BPD parent and the child. I'll make sure to post any tips that I pick up from her, especially if they work.

[StillHopeful73]

I am just wondering if anyone's children who are in therapy have utilized play therapy and whether it is effective?

I met with the child therapist yesterday for a consult for our daughter. She specializes in dealing with BPD and suggested that I learn how to do play therapy to help our daughter with her emotional development. I'll be meeting with her for a few sessions alone initially to learn this before our daughter meets with her.

She also provided a lot of insight on BPD (she said BPD are her favourite to deal with, WTH?) and I'm hoping I'll learn things from her that I can use with our daughter, and maybe even my BPD ex. She said that there are ways that you can tap into the BPD mind to sometimes bring them out of their anger/high emotional states. So much of what she explained how BPDs see things made sense based on how my BPD ex has reacted in the past. It was really interesting.

She was very positive though and said that even though dealing with a BPD ex can be difficult, draining and forever ongoing, there are ways to make it easier both for the non-BPD parent and the child. I'll make sure to post any tips that I pick up from her, especially if they work.

[kells76]

Hi stillhopeful73,

The girls are 13 and almost 11 now, but back when they were in counseling a couple of years ago, SD10 did like playing with the dollhouse in the counselor's office. She still likes playing with the one we have. I remember back when she was... 7 or 8? we would do some dollhouse stuff together. It was a good way of just seeing how her brain was working about family roles. I think some "telling" stuff did come up. But I'm definitely not a therapist :-) I think a trained therapist would be able to learn a lot about a kid & how they think about their family via play therapy.

If I remember correctly, either or both Newyoungfather and Anuday here have tried play T for their kids (correct me if I'm wrong) -- there may have been a minimum age?

Your situation sounds really positive! Please do share any tips you glean from the T. And I do like to remind people here that even if your kid for some reason can't do T (age, custody issue, whatever), you as a parent can always talk with a child therapist. We did back when the kids' mom didn't want the kids in therapy -- just DH & I met with a child T and asked a ton of questions. It was really helpful.

Glad the T "likes" BPD!

[Newyoungfather]

Hello StillHopeful73,
I have a court order to have my son see a play therapist, I started the court filing process last August and finally had the court order ruled in my favor a little while ago.  We haven't started play therapy yet as exBPD is trying to drag things out.  Play therapy is good for a couple of reasons, it provides an alternate route for a child to express their emotions if they are being suppressed or neglected.  I have a few new friends who are social workers or involved in the mental field and play therapy is highly recommended and courts seemed to like it.
Play therapy is also important because the court will generally listen to a mental health expert rather than two parents arguing in court.  For instance, in my situation there are numerous cases of parental alienation, my son tells me he doesn't love, when I ask him about it, he says "mommy says so".  If I brought these items up to court against exBPD it would be my word against hers.  My attorney told me that my son is too young for him to actually testify in court so having a play therapist testify is the way to go, most court orders have a clause which states "neither party shall poison the child's mind with negative thoughts, ideas or verbal sayings about the other parent".  So for my case I will hold exBPD in contempt if play therapist comes back with a report stating that his mom is encouraging the child alienation, the play therapist report is heavily weighted than if I just go and testify.
As for Kells76 statement, yes courts generally do not grant play therapy for children under 3 years of age, I fought with the master of the court on this one and I prevailed but at a high cost, financially, emotionally, etc.
Stillhopeful73, you are doing a great job in getting your daughter into play therapy and being involved.  There are no known negative effects of having a child attended play therapy, I even asked! LOL.  What is your end goal with play therapy, to have techniques that will help your daughter express her feelings, to have a credible report to bring to court to prove child alienation.  Keep up the good work.

[zachira]

How old is your daughter? Play therapy is the standard for children who are too young to do talk therapy. Children will show through their play with a therapist trained in play therapy how they are being affected by the family environment or any other problems the child has. There are many different kinds of play therapy. What kind does your child's therapist intend to use with your child? Play therapy can be done with or without the parents. Some play therapists teach parents how to play with their children which can be important in helping children to get the kind of interactions at home that help a child to mature and process feelings. Young children are different than adults in that they may process a traumatic event in a matter of minutes and then go back to doing something else. It is important for adults to validate those few moments in which the child is expressing feelings and events that have been overwhelming. This is in contrast to an adult who can talk for a full hour on what is bothering him/her.

[StillHopeful73]

Thank you for your replies and feedback everyone.

Our daughter is 7 1/2 yrs old but she’s pretty young for her age. I’m not sure what type of play therapy it is but the therapist intends to teach me how to use it with our daughter. She’s meeting with me alone the first couple of sessions to explain and role play etc. Then after our daughter will meet with her alone. Anything I can learn that will help with her anxiety and development is beneficial as far as I’m concerned.

I don’t think we will be going back to court anytime soon as my ex isn’t in the best financial situation right now but I know once he’s back on his feet that way he will. He’s threatened me with going back a lot lately. That being said how am I able to have the therapist be involved if we do go back to court? Does he have to give permission? When we went through the court process 6 years ago our counselor (for him and me) wasn’t allowed to provide any info because he wouldn’t grant permission. But I can’t remember if it was family or criminal court for his assault that it wasn’t allowed.

It’s awesome to know that you’ve had positive experiences with play therapy though. When we talk about why she doesn’t want to go with her dad she doesn’t really give me anything to go on. So I’m hoping this might help provide info on what she’s feeling and why.

[zachira]

Usually for a therapist to be involved when you go to court regarding custody decisions, you have to hire a therapist that is specialized in doing custody evaluations, evaluates the child,and has equal time with both parents to perform an evaluation that is impartial and fair. Therapists in general do not like to be an advocate for one parent when they have not been involved with the other one, though this can depend on the therapist and the family court judge. Do ask your child's therapist about your concerns.

[Newyoungfather]

For the courts to get involved, this is a tricky one.  I have 50/50 legal custody which means all medical appointments have to be mutual agreed on.  I had to file a petition with the court because exBPD didn't want to place him into therapy.  The court order states that my son can go to therapy and the therapist can testify in court on behalf of their findings.  If you have full legal custody I suspect you can take your daughter without consent of the ex.  Usually any medical paperwork can be used in child custody, at least in my case/state.  I also agree with Zachira, when choosing a therapist a few informed me that they weren't certified to testify in court or something along those lines.

[livednlearned]

My son did play therapy from 9-11 yrs.

He and his therapist played board/card games and sometimes threw a plush football around.

She gave me advice on how to do the same with my son, especially how to help him deal with frustration and strong emotions.

[ForeverDad]

I recall asking son's pediatrician somewhere around age 2 or 3 whether he might have some level of autism since he often avoided looking at eyes.  I now attribute that to the conflict he was experiencing in our home.  After we divorced I recall his counselor saying that with the divorce over the conflict ought to reduce and the sessions could phase out.  No, the conflict continued and do did the sessions.  About 3 years later I got custody and mother stopped bringing him to therapy.  He soon 'graduated', he even had a happy smile photo with his T.

I was never told much about their play therapy.  One of the few times I was told details was when the T in review asked son, "Whose private parts can you touch?"  He replied, "Mommy's."  It should have been, "Mine."

He was a bit slow to talk and his reading was stuck at the word-by-word level until the middle of third grade, yes, just about the time I got custody.  I do believe some of our children being behind normal development pace is due to the conflict they've experienced at such early ages.

[StillHopeful73]

Thank you everyone. I have sole custody that says we both are involved with decisions but I have the final say. But the therapist  did touch upon signing confidentiality papers etc next session so I assume we might discuss it then.

I will ask the therapist about whether she can do anything should we go to court but right now I just want to focus on addressing my daughters anxiety. And learning any tools that might help when dealing with my ex.

I do wonder ForeverDad about whether the fact she’s young for her age has anything to do with the conflict she has experienced. I (and she) were lucky in that we had 3 years of quiet when my BPD ex had a partner. But then I found out after they broke up that there was conflict in their home so she would have been exposed to that while there every second weekend and on the mid-week visit.

She won’t look at people when she speaks. And she also won’t stick up for herself if one of her classmates is picking on her. But I don’t know if that is because of any of the conflict or if it’s just her personality or a bit of both. Her dad and I split in 2012 so at a year old she would have been too young to understand any of the verbal stuff or the physical I would assume.