enabling?

[explain]

I am new here so please be patient with me.
our adult son moved back home three years ago, has BPD. Looking back I see he probably had it as a child.
When is it enabling and when are we helping?  He lives with us so doesnt pay rent or for food plus we pay his bills.  He didnt work till about six months ago, now works very few hours at a job his Dr. and counselor put him in to help him learn to work and stay with a job. He works fewer than 15 hours a week. More to say but wont.  Are we helping or enabling?  We are nearing the next chapter of life, retirement.  Having forty year old child living with us and us supporting him is hard.  I need to clarify his working, he did have jobs before moving back.  Never stayed with one though.  Is very likable and worked hard at every job he has had but after a while quits.  so when i say he hasnt worked i meant he hasnt worked the three years he has been with us, other than this very part tine job.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello explain,
I am happy to meet you although sad for the circumstances. It must be quite an adjustment to have your son move back in with you at the age of 40.

Are we helping or enabling?  We are nearing the next chapter of life, retirement.  Having forty year old child living with us and us supporting him is hard

This is a great question. Generally speaking, if you are doing things for him he is capable of doing for himself you are enabling him. Is that what is happening? 

[explain]

yeah I think he is capable of doing things for himself.  but fear he might hurt himself if we tell him he has to work and pay his own bills, and make a plan to move into his own place. 
I think about when we are no longer here to help him.  No idea what will happen to him.

[Only Human]

Hi explain

I join Faith in welcoming you to  bpdfamily!

Many of us here struggle with the line between enabling and supporting. Faith hit the nail on the head -- if a person is capable of doing something, s/he should do it. As you say, the fear that our pwBPD (person with BPD) may self-harm or respond in other unhealthy ways keeps many of us stuck.

A thread was started some months ago where you can see how others have learned to let go. You may find it helpful so I'm posting it here:

How do you cope with letting go?

Feel free to post your own thoughts, struggles. Let's talk about it!

~ OH