Big problems with a teenager with BPD

[Vlora]

  my teenage daughter has BPD and it has gotten worse in the last 7 months. We are always fighting.She is extremely disrespectful and very mean and verbally abusive. She acquired a boyfriend and she has been running from home and living in his home sometimes for weeks. He is still a teenager and I don’t understand why his parents allow my daughter to live with them despite us asking them not to allow her to stay. All this bad behavior from my daughter started shortly after she started going out with this guy. Until then she was quite stable and  nice. Now she hates me most of the time and is very difficult to talk to. Does not listen to us anymore and does whatever she wants. In the last 3 months she started running from school and is hardly studying at all. I have found out that her boyfriend is very controlling and limiting her contacts with her friends, threatens her that he will leave her if she doesn’t do what he wants and she is clinging to him like a drowning girl. Now she claims that he is everything to her, the only person that cares about her and how he will be always there for her.
We don’t approve of him because he is a very bad student and has no goals in life and he is disrespectful of us and has “ trailer thash”mentality . But for her he is the most beautiful and wonderful guy . She suffers from low self esteem and thinks of herself as ugly and unworthy of attention, which is very far from reality as she is quite pretty and funny and smart. We don’t know anymore how to deal with her. She was in DBTtherapy  2 years ago but she refuses to do it again. She is totally out of control.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Peace63]

I have a 20 year old daughter with BP, and she has had a lot of the same personality stuff that you write of. How old is your daughter?  It is very sad that the boy's parents are not willing to help you by kicking her out of their house. Their son is probably controlling them.  If she is 18, there is not a lot you can do. 

The more you press her to leave the boyfriend, the more controlling you all will appear. It doesn't sound like much advice, but I don't think there is a lot that you can do. Do you have some financial pull over her - like paying for her phone or a car?

It would be good to text her and just tell her that you love her and hope she is doing well.
 

[Vlora]

She is 17. She started having big problems 3years ago after being assaulted by her boyfriend and then consequently bullied at school which led to suicide attempts and self harm and numerous hospitalizations. She started taking drugs and attacked me which helped in getting her in a residential treatment for 4 months. After that she tried to go to school but instead spent her time being high on weed and doing stupid things which got her in trouble with the law. In order to save her we moved to Europe so we can take her away from any bad influence and change the scenery. This helped her as we enrolled her in good schools and her suicidal iterations stopped and she was almost normal for about a year until this relationship started and everything went down the drain. We gave up our home, careers and life in order to help her and now she is almost as bad as she was 3 years ago. She is again depressed and talks that she will be better off dead, blames me for imaginary problems, threatens me and tells lies about us to her teachers and her friends in order to excuse her behavior. I can’t talk to her anymore without her becoming agitated and many times going into rage. She is obsessed with her bf and is mothering him. When she goes to him she blocks me so I can’t contact her and ignores me. I tried to contact him and he said that all I ask her to do is stupid . All we ask of her is to sleep at home and go to school.

[Peace63]

Wow, she shares a lot of the same stuff that my daughter went through. Several rapes (one by a boyfriend) in high school, weed use to medicate herself and being bullied by an ex friend, which totally isolated her making her more dependent on the abusive boyfriend (we thought he was nice - we were ignorant). She started controlling me through the suicide threats, which would bring me home from work and she was controlling me that way. I finally ended up sending her to a residential therapy institute, which was also financially devastating for us.

I have just started studying about this condition and am starting to learn how to create boundaries, even if it means walking out of the house if she starts getting heated and speaking rudely to me.

I just want you to know that you are not alone in this. Because my daughter is 20, I have decided to leave her alone as much as I can, while I learn how to not engage with her when she gets hyped up. I wish I had more to offer you.  Make sure you are taking time for yourself and your other children. These BPDs take everything from everyone else. Have you read the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells?  I highly recommend it, it helps explain the condition of our daughters and ways of how to handle their behavior and take care of ourselves in the process.

[Lollypop]

Hi there Vlora

I’m so very sorry you’re having to go through this. It must be so upsetting for you both. I understand about being on the rollercoaster of emotions.

I’m glad you found us and you’ve come to the right place.

It sounds to me that you might be ready to consider that a change in your approach is needed? I arrived here on this forum facing a wall that I couldn’t get around - everything I’d ever done either made things worse or didn’t work.

my teenage daughter has BPD and it has gotten worse in the last 7 months. We are always fighting... She is totally out of control.

I encourage you to read more about BPD. Understanding will help you not react to her behaviours. Reacting is a symptom. Not reacting is a tool to de-escalate.

Personally, arriving on this forum was the best thing I’ve ever done. I got control over myself, learnt better skills so I knew how to better interact with my son. Accepting that we can’t change somebody else but there’s a LOT we can do to improve things.

Fighting just escalates  everything.

Your daughter has grown beyond the person you raised. She’s making poor choices. She feels understood and loved by her boyfriend right now. Reasoning tells you that this relationship will fail at some point.

Right now. Today. You can make a small step towards getting back some control over the things you can control. That’s learning how to be the parent she needs, not the one you thought you should be. It’s time to get clever and strategic.

A change of approach is needed.

I understand you want your daughter back living at home and going back to school. An improved relationship may help bring that about - there’s no guarantees of a win:win but it is possible.

Do you have other children?

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Vlora,
I like your name. How did you choose it? It sounds like you are really going through it with your 17 year old daughter. I can totally relate. My DS24XBPD (dear son 24 diagnosed with BPD) also had some very rough teen years. Forming and maintaining healthy friendships and romantic partnerships is a huge challenge for people with BPD and it can be so hard to watch our children struggle. The good news is things can change for the better. Like many, I am a witness to the possibility of positive change. The truth is you really can't change your daughter. She has to make her own choices. But you can change you. You can learn the skills that are needed to love and parent these emotionally intense children of ours. One of the first books I read that really helped me improve my relationship with my son was this one. Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/1593856075/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_gRDQCbKJCBQGE Maybe it will help you too
 Please keep posting. We are all on this journey together. It isn't easy but it is worth it.

[Vlora]

Thank you all for the support. She is my only child.  We adopted her when she was 8 months old and don’t know anything about her biological parents except that her mother was 19 years old. I think that we made a huge mistake telling her that she is adopted when she was 6 because that’s what the counselor at the adoption agency recommended. She has been having abandonment issues due to this fact and it probably contributed to her condition.When the big problems started my husband totally gave up on her and I have been struggling with coping with her issues and the negativity of my husband for years. He wants to get rid of her the moment she is 18 and pushing me to do the same. I understand that it’s a solution but it’s very hard for me to just let go of her. I want to help her so that she is capable of taking care of herself and at least graduate from high school. I want her to have a future because she has the capacity for that but her emotions always mess things up. When she puts her mind to it she is capable of getting good grades and doing very well at school. She has ambition but this bf of her is influencing her the wrong way. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety attacks and everything is so hard for me to deal with.

[Miserable Mom]

Vlora welcome to the best place I have found for help! Lollypop gives good advice here. It is so very difficult to understand the behaviors, especially while in crisis. I have found great relief in changing my reactions, through research and diligence. There is a wealth of information and support here. There came a point about 6 months ago, in full blown crisis/trauma, where I began to understand the seriousness of what I was dealing with. Intent is a hard reality to comprehend, understanding that she can not control her behavior, but I can control mine. That revelation began the shift in my entire perspective. I self-reflect on my reaction/level of stress/anxiety and try to not react and cause further escalation by my own behaviors. It is a work in progress. My greatest hurdle is JADED approach, the constant need to justify, argue, defend and explain myself. I am sorry to hear of your struggles. We are not able to stay in high stress/crisis for long periods of time, and the depression/anxiety/panic attacks were for me, the signs that I was ready to crash and burn. Getting myself help allows me to better care for my daughter. I am glad you are here.

[Lollypop]

Hi vlora

Gosh, you’re caught between a hard rock. I manoeuvred my son out of the house at 18 (went to Uni and dropped out - basically, we helped set him up to fail), he returned at 19 then he walked out on my birthday at 20 (didn’t like my one rule - no drugs in the house. The tension in our house was really bad. He returned at 22 after spiralling down, lost job - after 6 months his gf and family got fed up of him. We took him back and then manoeuvred him out again at 23.

His main problem was that he was scared of growing up. He wouldn’t take responsibility for himself. He did the bare minimum and worked part time to just keep his drug habit going.

In this time, I was so close to filling up black plastic bags and see him on his way. It seems like the easy option but I never did it. Perhaps I should have. I totally understand your husbands view - he’s in pain and wants it to stop. He wants his life back. My husband felt the same.

What I did was to enable my son  and stunt his emotional development. Also remembering he didn’t get dx until he was 24.

I started to learn about detachment in FA. I thought my son’s problems were all drug related. This was the very first step I took for myself.

Miserable mom is so right. We have to take care of ourselves. It’s up to you to decide what’s best for you. I can say though that I got to work here and took a step of a leap of faith. I honestly didn’t know if my efforts would pay off and quite honestly I did it with my husbands criticism during the first 6 months. But when he could see the positive response from my son he saw the proof and felt a shift. It gave us hope.

Son left 18 months ago. He lives in a garage at a neighbours house. It’s pretty disgusting but he’s functioning and works hard. He loves his job, manages his money, pays us back for a personal loan (albeit with nudges). He’s grown. He’s learnt “on the job” and refused treatment. He still smokes strong skunk everyday and also uses cbd oil. He’s early in a new relationship and has a spring in his step.

We look forward to his next step to full independent living.

Either way, he won’t be returning to us - ever. We’ve done our job. We continue though to provide him with an ear or a hug or a shoulder or a meal when he stumbles emotionally. Sometimes, we have a laugh together, mostly our time together is ok.

I read a criticism the other day on the forum. It was respectfully done. There was a suggestion that, in this kind of situstion, that we’d given too much and it wasn’t taking care of ourselves. They felt it’s best to cut ties and fully physically detach. I’ve learnt here in the forum that there are always consequences to any action. Once the feeling of freedom is gone and the dust has settled you find that life’s not that easy.

We have the right to be happy. For me, that was my family together - imperfect as it is. There are problems but we are happier. My dreams for my son are long gone and replaced with acceptance that he lives his own life and makes his own choices. We don’t get what we want - that’s life.

Now, it’d be useful if you’ve got some support for yourself.

Thinking about practical stuff, how often are you in contact with your daughter? Is it by text or calls? Does she visit you?

Lastly, do you do anything just for yourself?  It’s ok if you don’t! It’s not a trick question - ha!  I know I wrapped myself around my “problems” too. Strangely, I discovered they weren’t mine but his. It’s time to start to unravel, bit by bit.

Hugs

LP