BPD Partner & my Family

[ortac77]

Last year my pwBPD sent some unpleasant emails to my sister and I have talked things through with her, not excusing the behaviour but equally not getting involved with 'taking sides'. I have also talked this through with my pwBPD who regrets the action but probably even now does not really comprehend why he did it, nor how people who don't have any real comprehension of BPD will react.

I have now received a family invitation which only invites me and not my partner and it has been troubling me for the past 24 hours, it may be that my partner will not wish to attend but equally for one who already feels isolated from his own FOO will also feel rejected by mine (albeit a consequence of his own actions). Potentially a powerful trigger for dysregulating.

Anyway I have sent a short note to my sister saying I would like to attend but even if she cannot comprehend why I am in this relationship we are a couple and this puts me in a difficult position. I know she has no concept of BPD or the behaviours it can cause.

Anyway I have just got her reply and its only me invited so I have a difficult decision to make. Anyone else found themselves in this position?

Ortac

[formflier]

Not exactly the same position, however I've struggled with the same "values".

Are you...you, or are you and "pair" that can't be split for any reason whatsoever.

Do you interact with the world outside your relationship with your pwBPD and "within" that relationship?

Might be a good place to lay out a percentage.

I would also encourage you to "flip" this.  Instead of seeing rejection...can you see acceptance by your family? 

Can you insert "for now" in their "stance" or "invitation"?   

Were you inserting "for now" in their invitation? Or did you see it more permanent?

How long until the event?

Best,

FF

[PeteWitsend]

...
Anyway I have just got her reply and its only me invited so I have a difficult decision to make. Anyone else found themselves in this position?

Ortac

So, I only learned about BPD, and that my XW was potentially BPD (or something on the spectrum) AFTER we had a number of blowups with my extended family.  

As I learned more about this, I reached out to some in my family who had been on the receiving end of her repeated hostility, and shared my suspicions, and cautioned them what I was telling them was just between us and had to remain that way.  I also added they should not take anything my XW said personally, and that I did not share my XW's views or opinions of them, and was trying to make my marriage work, but was struggling with that.

They all appreciated the head's up, and said it was very helpful to put her random, unprovoked "attacks by text message" (she specialized in that) in context, and now they wouldn't let it ruin their day anymore.  I was surprised to learn how much more extensive her behavior was toward my extended family.

Anyways, that might be helpful in your case, Ortac, although I'd caution you that it could backfire if anyone you speak to throws this back at your spouse.  I think you need to decide how much trust you can place in any family members you confide in.

[formflier]

Petewitsend makes some good points.  Not to "explain away" the behavior..but to put it in context and let others know what a helpful response is to the attack via text..and other provocations.

It's likely best to break this issue/post up into a couple parts.

1.  Communicating with family members.
2.  Deciding policy on doing things together or separate.

I'm hoping that you find family members you can confide in and I'm hoping you will be deliberate about doing things with your family "alone" AND doing things with family where you bring your pwBPD along.

Resist any notion that you "have to" always be a couple.

How are you feeling about all the posts/information so far?

FF

[Enabler]

Is it possible to think about there being 3 entities. The marriage, which comes with a bunch of behaviours expected within a marriage and pro-couple behaviour... e.g. sending abusive messages to your SIL is not cool marriage behaviour. Then there are 2 separate entities You, and Him. When his behaviour is in-line with marriage behaviour the marriage allows him to attend the family gathering... ( the behaviour may require him to apologise directly for his behaviour and seek amends). If for example he did this and your Sister still decided to isolate him, THE MARRIAGE would not be permitted to attend the family gathering. The Marriage should stand by one another whilst we are attempting to do the right thing. The Marriage is forgiving and moves forwards as long as there is true and genuine attempts to make good on all levels.  

Similarly it is okay for each entity to have autonomy outside the marriage and go about their daily lives, attend events independently and come back to the marriage (togetherness) afterwards. That's not to say that in that time the consequences of non-marriage behaviour should not be felt when you come back together... more that you don't have to be together all the time.

In an extreme example, polyamarous couples may set rules around what is okay for togetherness vs okay for times apart, this may include complete disclosure as to other partners outside the marriage/togetherness.

Supporting your husband if he has done the right thing is marriage behaviour. Would you be able to use SET here and actually try and get his understanding about why he isn't invited? Getting his blessing isn't what I want to say but "I would like you to understand why you are not invited and why I will be going."

Enabler  

[Ozzie101]

Hi ortac77. You ask if anyone else has gone through this? I'm going through it (sort of) right now.

My uBPDh went through a very bad period last year. I shared what was going on with my parents and eventually they encouraged me to tell my sisters. I shared details with one sister I trusted but was very vague with the other two. Apparently that sister shared with the others. Anyway, things are MUCH better with H now. He's in therapy and his attitude, behavior and outlook have done a complete 180. It's wonderful.

Except with my family.

My parents are nonjudgemental and supportive. My sisters have made it clear that they don't want him (or my 8-year-old stepson) anywhere near family gatherings, knowing how he treated me and that they don't support my staying in the marriage. So far, there's been only one family get-together. I went without him, which he supported and understood. We both saw it as a way to show the family that I was OK and I was not being isolated or controlled. But we both felt miserable and he was definitely hurt. As was I.

Our plan for now, as encouraged by our individual therapists, is to give my sisters time and then, eventually, talk to them again and hopefully get them to agree to give him another chance.

Bottom line, we can't control them or their reactions. But we can't let them control ours either. My plan is to support my husband, keep the lines of communication open with my family (sharing how well things are going with my parents, in particular, as they'll be instrumental in all this) and hope that it improves with time and evidence of his effort and change.

Do you think your partner will understand why he's not invited? Is there a way you can use SET or another method in sharing this news with him so you can have a rational, reasonable conversation about it and maybe come up with a plan together?

[ortac77]

Not exactly the same position, however I've struggled with the same "values".

Are you...you, or are you and "pair" that can't be split for any reason whatsoever.

Do you interact with the world outside your relationship with your pwBPD and "within" that relationship?

Might be a good place to lay out a percentage.

I would also encourage you to "flip" this.  Instead of seeing rejection...can you see acceptance by your family? 

Can you insert "for now" in their "stance" or "invitation"?   

Were you inserting "for now" in their invitation? Or did you see it more permanent?

How long until the event?

Best,

FF

Hi FF

Thanks for your reply

I think it fair to say that I act with quite a lot of independence in our relationship, as my partner has issues with trusting others therefore does not bond easily I see us as a 'pair' but equally maintain my own friendships and hobbies. So yes we can be split but its also nice (for me) to be perceived as a 'couple'. It's also an underlying issue for him, having been abandoned by his own FOO he has classic BPD reactions to feeling rejected. Maybe 50:50.

Hmm, can't really see acceptance by my family. My sister who is quite a bit older has very 'fixed' views and does not get/tolerate MH issues. She has in the past expressed her views (negative) on our relationship and although I have tried explaining my position I think it fair to say she will not get it and can be quite judgemental of others. Whilst I am sure this is motivated by a 'protective' instinct it does (to me) feel controlling.

For now would be a nice standpoint but I do think her stance is more permanent.

The event is late July, I have replied to the invite that I would like to attend but it places me in a difficult position. TBH perhaps I have two issues here.

1. Not wanting my partner to feel rejected thus triggering a 'victim' reaction.

2. My own sense of 'rejection' - others have been invited including my 'ex' and partner, yet I am expected to attend without my partner.

I don't intend to fall out with my family over this.

[ortac77]

I reached out to some in my family who had been on the receiving end of her repeated hostility, and shared my suspicions, and cautioned them what I was telling them was just between us and had to remain that way.  I also added they should not take anything my XW said personally, and that I did not share my XW's views or opinions of them, and was trying to make my marriage work, but was struggling with that.


Anyways, that might be helpful in your case, Ortac, although I'd caution you that it could backfire if anyone you speak to throws this back at your spouse.  I think you need to decide how much trust you can place in any family members you confide in.

Whilst I love my family, trust is perhaps the issue here. In the past I have done much as you describe but whether its my failure in explaining things well enough or their lack of tolerance and understanding they don't get it. My Partner is diagnosed with BPD but I come from a family that doesn't 'do' mental illness.

[ortac77]

I appreciate the replies.

In essence it breaks down to this I feel.

1. I accept my partners illness and have worked with him (mainly) using the tools to deal with issues as they occur. He does understand my need to maintain relationships with others outside the relationship. I am aware that this needs to be balanced between doing things independently and doing things as a couple.

2.At times he acts inappropriately, he is aware of it and describes not being able to control his thoughts which can lead to actions that upset others - this is only in retrospect of course. Such has sadly damaged his ability to relate to others and when we do talk through the consequences he struggles to see that 'others' do not understand the illness or the black/white thinking. Lets face it those of us living with it struggle given the complexity of this illness.

3. I have tried to communicate with my family and certainly said not to take notice of random texts/comments. Best not to react as they do not represent reality rather a distorted perception of the facts. Sadly my efforts have not really changed things, in a way they are also looking at things from a black/white perspective.

4. Ultimately (and not being precious here) I do get the illness, I have enormous sympathy for the pain it causes to the sufferer. Others do not and actually have no need to.

Thinking things through I think that I am actually feeling rejected here, I choose to be with my partner, my Sisters comments that 'he is not family' I find hurtful and frankly rather cruel. He has said bad things and of course that has a consequence but he has many good qualities but sadly he is ill. I am struggling with my families POV even though I respect their right to invite whom they like.

Ortac

[PeteWitsend]

Whilst I love my family, trust is perhaps the issue here. In the past I have done much as you describe but whether its my failure in explaining things well enough or their lack of tolerance and understanding they don't get it. My Partner is diagnosed with BPD but I come from a family that doesn't 'do' mental illness.

It's unfortunate your family takes that attitude.  I'm sure you did fine explaining this to them; whether they understood or not, is their own fault.  And given your comment regarding them not "doing" mental illness, I get the sense they may be a little close-minded, and therefore not a very understanding or empathetic crowd.

You're definitely in tougher situation than I had, in terms of balancing your relationships, in that you don't have a "reasonable" side that is willing to make concessions to table their issues and see your partner.  I think you need to decide what you want & need out of the situation... if you want to keep both your partner & your family in your life, you're going to have to do a lot of "hand holding" with your partner, and be very reassuring to him that you respect him and care for him, but still need contact with your family, even if they've refused to allow him to be part of their lives.  Maybe you can further reassure him that you haven't given up on that, and are still pushing your family to be understanding and what not.   Unfortunately, "reassuring him" is likely to be a never-ending chore on your part. 

This may be nearly impossible though for you.  I know it was for me.  In my own situation, my uBPDXW would take a "your either with me OR against me" attitude, and of course, she decided on her own who was "against her" and if I maintained, defended, or even didn't join in with her on fully hating on those she had painted black, I was in for days, or even weeks of fighting, door-slamming, sleepless nights, full-blown dysregulation, etc.   In the end, it became impossible to maintain relationships with family and friends, and have a functional (never mind happy) marriage... and the really wild thing is NONE of my family or friends lived within 1,000 miles of us!

[sweetheart]

Your situation reminded me of my family’s response to my dBPDh, which was also not to invite him to family occasions.
He is completely estranged from his FOO.

I rationalised my families exclusion of him at the time by saying it was because he would have been unable to cope. And so I went in the early days of our marriage to family events without him.

As time went on this exclusion of my husband began to feel unacceptable.

My continuing to go without my husband began to feel as though I was excluding him as well. That I was complicit in this decision.
If I addressed it, my mother would say, ‘Oh he’d hate it anyway.’

I have friends and a life separate from my husband, but my family’s rejection of him didn’t feel the same. They would  invite my sisters ex-husband whom they despised when he was married to my sister. It all began to feel  really dishonest and messy.

As soon as I began to address the issue with my family, my family stopped inviting me to family get-togethers.

I never told my husband that he hadn’t been invited, it felt mean as I knew that the reasons were not his fault.

I understand that your partner sent some mean emails to your sister, but even in the absence of a mental illness we can all do stuff like this.
Your families decision not to invite your partner is mean and cruel, and there is also an implicit expectation that you have to choose whom to be with or without. That’s a yucky position to find yourself in.

Yes your family absolutely have the right to choose whom they invite to their party or celebration; it doesn’t mean though that  their decision is a good one or a kind one.

Eventually I came to the same place as you, in excluding my partner, they were ultimately rejecting me and my son, and that hurt a lot.

I really hope for you and your partner that this is just a one-off decision.

[Enabler]

How much have you tried to educate your family on BPD and personality disorders in general. Those people who say they 'don't get' mental illness, can invariably identify people they know who demonstrate traits. People typically see them as 'just being like that', when in actual fact people follow a highly predictable set of behavioural traits. Once your FOO can identify the traits and then empathise not only how that plays out for you and them, but also empathise what that means for the emotionally sensitive person.

Just an idea and we could certainly explore some ideas of simple ways to explain BPDisms to your FOO.

Enabler

[ortac77]

Again

Thanks for the replies, it does help (as always) to share this stuff with people who understand. I have tried to educate my family on PD but to be honest the 'older ones' are somewhat closed minded. It perhaps is actually deeper than that, can't quite put my finger on it but whilst I don't want to see them as 'cruel' there is an element of in/out and if people don't fit they are out. Ultimately my Mother was like that (long since passed) and whilst I loved her dearly she had a very strong 'Don't suffer fools gladly' approach which I could never really understand.

My sister takes a very matriarchal role, can be very caring and nurturing but has little tolerance for those who exist outside her world and BPD exists outside her world (along with alcoholism and other illnesses) which she sees as a defect rather than an illness.

I think if I go however gently I explain it to my partner he will take a 'them or me' attitude and actually at the moment I find myself somewhat sympathetic to that POV.

In the long run I have been with my partner for 15 years, life with a pwBPD can be hellish at times but I have learnt how to communicate with him and although life can be a roller coaster at times I know that he has value and worth as a human being and ultimately given his upbringing it is no great surprise that he has this horrible illness.

I am not going to rush into any decisions but know at some point I must take a stand for what I believe because this is about personal values as much as trying not to cause a suffering person any more pain.

[Enabler]

I have tried to educate my family on PD but to be honest the 'older ones' are somewhat closed minded. It perhaps is actually deeper than that, can't quite put my finger on it but whilst I don't want to see them as 'cruel' there is an element of in/out and if people don't fit they are out. Ultimately my Mother was like that (long since passed) and whilst I loved her dearly she had a very strong 'Don't suffer fools gladly' approach which I could never really understand.

My sister takes a very matriarchal role, can be very caring and nurturing but has little tolerance for those who exist outside her world and BPD exists outside her world (along with alcoholism and other illnesses) which she sees as a defect rather than an illness.

I totally get this mentality. I come from such a family where we might consider us all having our sh!t together. We (did) had a similar mindset that couldn't quite understand why people couldn't just make changes and get their life together... seemed pretty simple to us.

Things have changed and I guess there's a case of seeing in colour now. Despite 'us' being relatively mentally healthy, myself and one of my sisters married people who in one way or another have BPD traits. My eldest sister married a lovely man who has the emotional age of a 5yr old (Dad died when he was 3yrs old and his mother never ever spoke of him again), plenty of dysfunction there. Then when I talk to Mum she says that her Mum (my Nana) was on uppers and downers all her lift owing to depression (always a bit of an strange lady). So... from a weirdly apparent 'we don't get mental illness', we were in fact knee deep in experience, we just didn't know it. I had no empathy for my sisters experience, nor did she of mine, I just thought my BIL was a bit childish.

It's now the #1 topic of conversation when we see each other. Maybe it's just the age where most people stop being chaotic (30's-40's) and it becomes more apparent... the tide goes out and you see who's swimming naked!

Many people aren't ready to believe in Unicorns, try not to hold that against them... it's a Pandora's box.

Enabler

[formflier]

the tide goes out and you see who's swimming naked!
 

I'm stealing this phrase...it's so...right on!

FF

[Enabler]

Pleasure 

It's a 'markets' term.

[ortac77]

It's a good term! After all we are all swimming naked really.

Yes my FOO didn't do MH problems but in hindsight and in technicolor there was plenty of dysfunction. I guess it's once you cut through denial you see things more clearly.

[Enabler]

We can be very mentally protective of our own family. Not least because it’s what we know, it’s our normal. The family dynamic is like a 3 legged stool, in balance as long as all the legs play their part. Removal of one of the legs means the dynamic is put out of kilter so the other legs hurriedly attempt to get the offending leg into line and regain the equilibrium.

In a book I read a while back called Toxic Parents (it’s brilliant), the writer talks about how even when say a parent is an Alcoholic and it’s pretty plain to see and freely discussed with siblings... a child who attempts to shine a light on the non-secret secret can be turned on by the rest of the family in an attempt to regain equilibrium.

We all have a lot riding on the stability of our family foundations , I dare say we all have elements of rose tinted glasses on when looking at our own families. Seeing in technicolour makes for a new experience in FOO gatherings seeing dynamics we talk about here play out when we probably didn’t even notice it before.

It’s not the worst to acknowledge that to your husband especially if he feels threatened by their perceived perfection. PwBPD can often feel jealousy towards a functioning family unit especially when their wn is not.

Enabler

[ortac77]

After re-reading these replies and careful consideration I have written to my sister explaining why my accepting this invite without my partner would create difficulties in my relationship. I have set out a very simple explanation of BPD  with the emphasis on the fact that he suffers from an illness, and that as we are a couple on this occasion I would find it difficult to attend this family event without my partner.

There are many things I am happy to do independently in our relationship, indeed my sense of balance relies upon it but sometimes lines have to be drawn. I am not 'choosing sides' here but having the commitment to make my own decision based upon my own values.

[Enabler]

Ortac77,

You came, you absorbed information, you analysed, you made YOUR choice, you acted with compassion and consideration for all parties including yourself... well done.

We need more Ortac77’s in humanity.

Needless to say, don’t expect any positive/negative reaction from anyone, this is your choice so other people reactions really don’t matter. Hope you get what I mean by this. Eg if I choose to clean my wife’s car, it’s foolish for me to expect her to be grateful.

Enabler

[WitzEndWife]

Ortac77, I have certainly been there with my friends and family. I think, for anyone, this is a lesson in boundaries. On the one hand, you cannot force a family member to overstep their own boundaries to invite your spouse if they do not wish to be around your spouse. On the other hand, you get to decide what it is that you want to do and hold your own boundaries by making the best decision for yourself.

For example, my uBPDh had a falling out with one of my closest friends. This makes it very difficult for me to see him, because if I'm spending time with H, I can't spend time with my friend. I have to make special time and that makes it very challenging. Also, my friend has a wedding coming up and I have been invited (H was not), so again I face the challenge of being called disloyal or siding with my friend. It's tricky and I cannot tell anyone what and what not to deal with. However, I personally refuse to walk on eggshells and avoid seeing my friend, even when it upsets my husband. I do definitely pick and choose my battles, so I don't have to deal with the tantrums regularly.

Just be sure you're making the decision that is in YOUR best interest, not only because it's the decision your spouse wants you to make.

[ortac77]

I think on this occasion I am acting in my best interests, I will still see my family just not on this particular occasion. It's not just about my sisters discomfort or the potential fall out from my partner, it's more about my own feelings.

I am not angry with my sister, I can see that she wants everything to go well at the party and my partner is an 'unknown quantity' he would probably be OK but of course there are no guarantees (are there ever with anybody?). She is not required to understand his condition and we are certainly not going to fall out over this, and I am sure suitable excuses will be made for my absence or maybe the truth told, don't know and not unduly concerned

I also don't want to be the only person there 'on my own' might sound silly but it's how I feel. I could handle the fall out from my partner if I had to, this would just be another way in which I don't support him or side with the 'enemy'.

Longer term I don't know how things will pan out, maybe he will always be excluded, maybe its just this occasion - this is a conversation I intend to have at a suitable point.

TBH I have been feeling quite stressed today, or maybe tested is a better word as I have been largely ignored except for being criticised for not getting him what he wanted when I went shopping - my mind reading skills failed me again. It's interesting because he knows nothing about this family party or my decision but I am sure a sixth sense knows something, or maybe its just my imagination, I should be used to being ignored by now.

Just feeling a bit low tonight but it will pass.

[formflier]

I also don't want to be the only person there 'on my own' might sound silly but it's how I feel. I could handle the fall out from my partner if I had to, this would just be another way in which I don't support him or side with the 'enemy'.

How many times have you been to events "solo" (without your pwBPD).

How long until this event?

Depending on your answers, I'll do some figuring on if I think you are focusing on this one even "too much" and potentially ignoring the "bigger picture" or the "bigger principle".

Right now I'll tell you that my concern is you are NOT doing something because you don't want to "hand your partner ammo"

Many times "dealing with" or "getting healthier" with a pwBPD requires some counter-intuitive thought and action.  I'm wondering if it would be better to start making a point of "excluding your pwBPD" and validate his "point of view".  It would be important to couple that with an invitation to do something together and then let your pwBPD struggle with the contradiction of "ortac doesn't do stuff with me, yet ortac does stuff with me"

Thoughts?

FF

[ortac77]

HI FF

I have been to quite a few events 'solo' in fact I see my family and friends generally solo as my partner finds social engagements quite difficult in that they can cause him anxiety. The event is in July.

We do however do stuff together, holidays and events as well as my ensuring my own social life outside of the relationship.

I get what you are saying, to me the bigger picture is about my sister accepting that we are a couple, I don't feel comfortable about my partner being excluded albeit I respect her decision. It is actually less about his reaction and more about my own values. He does do black/white, either for or against him - I am generally used to that and have always resisted taking 'sides'. If that leads to him painting me black for a short period so be it, we have worked our way through that before. So its not really about fear of 'ammo', he can always find ammo (real or imagined) if he wants to!

The history to this is that my partner sent some texts to my sister last year and also to my nephews wife (who does have alcohol problems), they were not pleasant and in hindsight he agrees that it was really none of his business - sadly though in that black/white way he considers that he is now persona non grata as far as my family is concerned. Equally sadly (to me) my sister can't let it go and told him he is not 'family' - strictly true in one sense but still a rather cruel thing to say and to somebody who has abandonment issues quite cutting. He is after all 'family' to me, and in families (to me) forgiveness is a vital component.

The bigger picture to me is about acceptance.

Ortac

[formflier]

I get what you are saying, to me the bigger picture is about my sister accepting that we are a couple, I don't feel comfortable about my partner being excluded albeit I respect her decision. It is actually less about his reaction and more about my own values. 

Ortac77,

Looks like you are thinking this through quite well.  I love solving problems and looking at things from alternate points of view.

What about this?

You go to you sisters event.  Make it about your sister's event and your support of that.  (kinda a boundaries way of thinking about your approach).  Don't mention your pwBPD or any bad history.  This is about you and your sister and her stuff.

Then...in the "warm afterglow" (which is hopefully not a "nuclear afterglow"...   )  of this event invite you sister to something (preferably something with flexible timing) involving you and your partner.

If she accepts...great (most likely issue solved and bad things are going to the past).  If not, especially if she bring up the bad stuff, now it's on the table and can be worked through.

Looked at from a boundaries point of view, you created an event that is undoubtedly about you and your partner and your if your sister declines to attend, it's about that.  The reason for flexible timing is so that legitimate scheduling concerns can be handled.

I suggest all this because (to me) it seems "cleaner", more direct and on point to the issue or concern.

Do you see the concept?

What do you think?

FF

[WitzEndWife]

Ortac - I get that you want your family to accept you as a couple, but has your husband done anything to extend the olive branch to your family? It seems to me that you're the one doing the work, when really it's on him to make it right. Your family doesn't have a problem with you or your choices, it seems, they just don't wish to be around someone who is hurtful to them. Unfortunately for you, they are well within their rights to create such a boundary.

I get it entirely. When I first married my husband and he began having arguments on social media with my entire immediate family, attacking them and saying harmful, mean things, I was actually angry with them for not wanting to be connected to him any longer on these platforms. I am very close to my family, so it felt like a rejection of me as much as it was a rejection of him. As I explored my feelings and talked to them about their feelings, I realized that their distancing themselves from him had nothing to do with me, and, therefore, there was nothing *I* could do to force them to have a better relationship with him. They did everything they could in good faith. They tried to make things work. My parents, in particular, bent over backward for him, and he was horrible to them in return. I stopped making excuses for him and found ways around it. I realized that, if he wanted a relationship with them, he would have to want it and he would have to want to apologize for it. Yes, it makes things inconvenient and strained for everyone. However, nobody can break your bond with your family, and it is not on them to have to accept someone who isn't doing their part to create a lasting familial relationship. It is a very hard thing to experience, so I totally sympathize with you, but at this point, you will likely have to accept the new reality that your family and your husband are going to be separate relationships in your life.

[ortac77]

Ortac77,

You go to you sisters event.  Make it about your sister's event and your support of that.  (kinda a boundaries way of thinking about your approach).  Don't mention your pwBPD or any bad history.  This is about you and your sister and her stuff.

Then...in the "warm afterglow" (which is hopefully not a "nuclear afterglow"...   )  of this event invite you sister to something (preferably something with flexible timing) involving you and your partner.

If she accepts...great (most likely issue solved and bad things are going to the past).  If not, especially if she bring up the bad stuff, now it's on the table and can be worked through.

Looked at from a boundaries point of view, you created an event that is undoubtedly about you and your partner and your if your sister declines to attend, it's about that.  The reason for flexible timing is so that legitimate scheduling concerns can be handled.

I suggest all this because (to me) it seems "cleaner", more direct and on point to the issue or concern.

FF

HI FF

Well I shall be seeing my Sister before the event anyway, whether I attend the family event or not I have yet to decide, for the reasons I have already stated.

Events have a way of changing things anyway, I took a phone call from my sister yesterday as my nieces partner has just been rushed to hospital with a life threatening illness. My partner was party to the call and was as concerned as I which opened up a healthy conversation between us. Upshot from that is he recognises my dilemma and we talked in a healthy way about the situation. It has very much been left up to me if I want to attend the family event and he was very calm about it.

 I do intend to ask my Sister & her husband up here to stay for a few days later this year (we moved at the end of last year and now live in another part of the country). This is kinda along the lines you are suggesting.

[formflier]

 I do intend to ask my Sister & her husband up here to stay for a few days later this year (we moved at the end of last year and now live in another part of the country). This is kinda along the lines you are suggesting.

First of all...I hope the medical crisis passes quickly.  Please keep us updated!

As you know, relationship considerations can be complicated.  So whatever you can do to simplify/clarify...is good stuff.

For the invite thing I would have another "smaller" idea ready as well.  I could totally see your sister being ok with a visit, just not a "couple day one".  I could easily see one like that being very intimidating.  Of course there is a flip side where she could see a couple day one being better because more time=less pressure because there is more time to take breaks.

You've obviously got my vote for going to your sister's thing.  

FF