The moment you knew you couldn’t change your partner

[CPTSDGuy]

The moment you knew you couldn’t change your partner.

I am wondering if people can remember if they ever had a moment of acceptance when it hit them, “this person isn’t going to change.” Is that something that came all at once, or something that just came a little bit at a time like a stream carves stone?

For me, it took such a long time.  But there was also a moment in therapy when I realized she wasn’t going to change. There was an exercise the therapist had asked us to do, and she couldn’t remember being asked to do it. It was then that I knew she really wasn’t taking this seriously, and if she wasn’t taking this seriously she really wasn’t going to change.

So it was both. All at once and it took a long time.

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[believer55]

Hi CPTSD

I think I see-saw a lot between seeing him change and hoping for more and then realising the core issue will never go away completely.

My HwBPD has made changes in that he now does not physically restrain me, yell obscenities at me while the kids are with us, does not block me in rooms and tends to calm down a bit quicker. These differences have made a big change to us. However, the childish snide remarks, the painting black, the hypocrisy, the preferential treatment of his kids, the financial problems, the lies, the gas-lighting all remain.

I tend to see the improvements and then think - if he can just improve some of these other things it would make it so much more bearable and then I remind myself he has a condition that will not just go away, that he is fighting everyday. I have become colder towards him and pulled away just to protect myself as sometimes he knows what he is doing is wrong and makes no attempt to work on it - placing blame on me. These days I realise there are aspects of him that will never change.

He has been taking part in some destructive behaviours and has promised me time and again they have stopped - but I know they are continuing and I know he is either addicted or does not want to stop and now I need to decide for myself what I am going to do about it. It is a hard place to be - we know the change we seek will not come so we have to be the ones to decide what to do and we will always come off looking like the bad guy - the one who has abandoned them (their worst fear).

I think it is a good thing to recognise the limits to their ability to change and accept this - what we do then?  

Let me know how you are faring.

B

[CPTSDGuy]

Thank you for asking. What bothers me is the passive aggressiveness. When we are in marital therapy she will make all kinds of promises to change. I’m not talking about big things but small things for example, because of my PTSD I have a very difficult time with certain triggers. Just certain little triggers. Things that other people would not notice but that send me to a very bad place.

So she agreed right away in therapy to stay away from those triggers. In real life, she forgot right away. I don’t know if she ever really meant it or not. But sure enough, she paid no attention and I would end up going to the bad place. It wouldn’t have taken much effort. And then when I went on to the bad place she would act like nothing happened.

I would yell in emotional pain Because I was sure someone was going to hit me, and she would keep on doing whatever it was she was doing.

The message was obvious. You are the sick one. You should not care about this little thing. This little thing shouldn’t have any power over you. I’m not going to indulge you. If you have a hard time, it’s not my problem. I’m not going to change the way I am just to suit you. This is just one more example of you being sick, and there are too many times you were sick and this is just one more thing and I can’t stand it.

I have to take a lot of medication. Every once in a while I get very nauseous and end up throwing up. There was a weekend where I threw up nearly all Friday  and Saturday. She didn’t say a word.

There was a time when I had to leave an entertainment thing I really wanted to go to at a restaurant because the food  odors were killing me. I really thought I was going to vomit in the restaurant. Keep in mind this doesn’t happen often, maybe four times a year. But we had traveled at least two hours to get to this restaurant and I was seeing a friend I hadn’t had a chance to see in many many months.

I had to leave. It was just no choice. All the way back, she screamed at me for having to leave. I wanted so bad to vomit in the car. Unfortunately, I didn’t have to.

[once removed]

how long have the two of you been together, CPTSDGuy?

what did the marital therapist have to say about how she reacts to your triggers?

[clvrnn]

Personally, it comes in waves. Sometimes I think I can 'fix' things if I come up with the right combination of words and actions, and I spend hours reading about BPD and communication methods, hoping to find some sort of answer.

Other times, I write out everything that's happened and I can see very clearly what her patterns are, and that, if they haven't changed at this point, they are unlikely to.

[CPTSDGuy]

how long have the two of you been together, CPTSDGuy?

what did the marital therapist have to say about how she reacts to your triggers?

About 10 years. Whenever I say about things like the fact that she doesn’t do what she’ says she,s going to do Usually gets lost in all the noise.

She sees her own therapist. She goes to appointments though, while  I see a Therapist.

 When she has a problem to work on, she has a problem to work on and it’s her business. When I have a problem to work on, it’s everybody’s business.

  I think that what it is is that she seems to be the healthy person because I have more obvious problems. People look at me and immediately see obvious problems.

Because of her passive aggressive nature, the fact that she agrees to make changes, by the time the tail end comes and the fact that she hasn’t made the changes comes to light, by then There is a fresh new batch of complaints about me.

 It is truly crazy making.

Our therapist is supposed to be very good. In reality, he’s a joke. I cannot get her to admit so. He thinks the world of her. He supports her in her delusions.

She got to make a long list of all the things I needed to change to make the marriage work. I was not invited to make a list of my own.

Even if this relationship ends, I don’t know how I’m going to get over feeling re-traumatized from my parents.

[loyalwife]

My husband and I went to marriage counseling also, and it was a huge failure. He wasn't sincere. It sounds like your counseling is back firing on you. It's not unusual for a pwBPD, to have problems with this.

Although it has taken me time to finally admit to myself that my husband will never change, like you it was at the therapist that it became clear. The only person that you can work on is you. It sounds like you could benefit from a therapist of your own. Do you have someone that you have seen in the past? Could you possibly find a therapist that deals with BPD and knows the issues? Once I found someone that understood what I was going through, I finally could get direction. At the same time, you can work on you.

I'd taken a course in DBT years ago, for PTSD. It worked miracles in stopping me from self blame. I suggested this to my husband recently and he said he was going to 'read the book'. It is a program designed for those with BPD, but it has such helpful tools for anyone.

The reality is, they don't necessarily want to change. My therapist turned to me the last time I saw her and said "he may not change until he is forced to". That is so sad, but it is not our job to fix them.

Work on your change. She will reap some of the benefit, because you will get stronger.

Best to you.

[FJM]

For me it got into a point that i felt drained, and everything in the relationship was moving forward only by me (ZERO RECIPROCITY). I sat her i told her how i felt and that i needed that she were the captain of the ship cause i was depleted. She couldnt plan even a date or a meal on her own. You can figure out how that ended half a year later. Replaced, Splited and with all her dirty work projected into me.
Nice human beigns aint them?