how to approach borderline to end alimony

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am male and divorced 8 years ago from a borderline and have paid all child support and alimony and honored the agreement to date. The divorce was terrible, stupid, and a waste of a lot of time an money. I have my issues that contributed. I have come to a reasonable level of peace about it all. We have not spoken, emailed, or communicated since then. I send the check every month. That is it.

Anyway, it has come to my attention she is cohabitating for a year. In the terms if she cohabitates, then alimony ends. I am getting an attorney to help me write a letter, but would prefer to avoid court and not get in a big conflict. In the past, my approaches have failed miserably (But I was unaware of the real issue). Any thoughts on how to communicate in a way to influence and not trigger the rage?

[Larry5245]

I am male and divorced 8 years ago from a borderline and have paid all child support and alimony and honored the agreement to date. The divorce was terrible, stupid, and a waste of a lot of time an money. I have my issues that contributed. I have come to a reasonable level of peace about it all. We have not spoken, emailed, or communicated since then. I send the check every month. That is it.

Anyway, it has come to my attention she is cohabitating for a year. In the terms if she cohabitates, then alimony ends. I am getting an attorney to help me write a letter, but would prefer to avoid court and not get in a big conflict. In the past, my approaches have failed miserably (But I was unaware of the real issue). Any thoughts on how to communicate in a way to influence and not trigger the rage?

[GaGrl]

What documentation/proof do you have that she is co-habitating? This might be the first question your lawyer asks.

[livednlearned]

My H suspected the same with his uBPD ex who had relocated to another state.

It was our understanding that if he stopped paying, then it was on her to file a motion. It's always best to consult with a few lawyers or at least one.

Are you hoping that she will repay you last year's alimony? Or to stop paying alimony going forward?

[ForeverDad]

Probably best to gather whatever documentation you can before broaching the topic to her.  If she has social media accounts, check whether any statements of photos support her being in a relationship.  (I guess you'd know for sure if she got pregnant...)  She may claim, "No, I'm not cohabitating, keep paying alimony."  Then if you pursued it in court then likely it would be up to you to provide your documentation otherwise.

You may think that being overly nice will make you look good.  If you seek to end the alimony payments but try to appease by stating you'll let the past year slide, it may not work as you expect.  A saying we have around here is, A poorly behaving parent often gets no consequences and a well behaving parent seldom gets credit.  So beware of expecting your niceness to matter to any officials who have to decide issues or motions.