Do you feel at home?

[Perdita]

Hi all,

I've talked in previous posts about how moving in with my SO of 6 years has turned my life upside down. He doesn't care about this new chapter in our life that he supposedly wanted so badly. I feel alone and homeless.

He's a pig and I got fed up constantly cleaning up after him.  So I stopped.  Now I find myself living in what feels like a warehouse for frat boys.  A big mess, cold and impersonal. 

No matter how I try I never have time for my hobbies and interests anymore. A mere 4 months into this and I don't have a life anymore. This is just a house. It's not a home at all. I hate it even though I loved it at first when I was still naive about what was to follow.

This got me thinking about all the posts I see on here about conflicts other people are having with their BPD partners. A lot of you seem to be living in emotional war zones. My question as stated in the topic: do you feel at home?

[AskingWhy]

No, I do not feel at home in my own house.   I still don't.

When uBPD H's teen children were kicked out of their home as they turned 18, one by one, by their u NPD M, they came to roost in their father's home.  (Their mother was no longer getting CS, which she was spending on herself and her new husband, the one she cheated with while married to the children's F.)

H had no discipline for his teen children. As they grew into their 20s, they ruled the house. I was only the maid and contributor to finances and payer of utilities.  H allowed them to insult and emotionally abuse me.  His S was in the process of getting kicked out of college due to drugs and alcohol (he is now near 30 and usually homeless), the two Ds, both afflicted with an Electra complex on steroids, saw me as the romantic rival in their F's attentions.  

H never backed me up in trying to maintain a good family order, and put his children above me.

All of the children have moved out of the house, married and with children of their own (S lives on the streets and calls his F when he is arrested for public drunkenness and in jail), H is still obsessed with them.  It's an ever-open and bottomless wallet for him.  I am so glad I split finances in the first years of out marriage.

As always, being married to an emotional mine field is never comforting.  H blames the problems of the world on me.  Typical for BPDs.

[Perdita]

AskingWhy,

Since home is such an essential part of what makes us feel secure in life - on all levels, but especially emotionally - I wonder how much of this is intentional.  It seems to me that this is just another part of their obsession to control, but that most of us don't even realize this. We focus so much on the actual conflicts that it's easy not to notice the deeper layers of instability it comes with.

I very much hear you about not feeling number one in your H life. I've been battling for that position myself all these years. I think they want us to constantly feel that yearning to be the most important person in their lives.  It means that we are constantly trying our best to show that we are worthy of that position.  I am just really tired of trying to reach the unobtainable.

[believer55]

Hi Perdita and Asking

I lived with my 2 children alone in a house I bought and then bought a house with my BPDH and his 2 sons. we rented out my little house for a while but have sold it now - I really wish I hadn't.

Like you, I didn't see the condition until we moved in together, and then I didn't know what I had struck. This is the first house my husband has owned and when it suits him it is ours - when he dysregs it is his. He is happy for his boys to use whatever I brought into the house but what he brought is still his and my kids aren't to touch it (tv, playstation, lounge suite etc)

We have been living together for nearly 7 years and married 3 years this year - but it does not feel like a home. His eldest (19) has ignored out requests not to smoke in the outdoor room he lives in and now I find he is selling dope as well. His youngest (15) will set up his playstation in the family room at the beginning of the weekend and camp there all weekend without anyone else being able to use the room. My S and D (15 and 17) wish we still lived by ourselves - they are wary to bring friends over as they don't know when he will dysreg and they are scared how he will behave in front of their friends. I do a majority of the housework and when I have asked the kids to help I am "picking on them".

Being in the house is like being in a prison sometimes - my daughter hates it but life at he Dad's house isn't ideal either so she puts up with it. The question is why do I?  I am seriously looking at taking a house sitting job for over a month just to have a break and see if life is better on my own. Neither of us can afford to have the house without the other's finances so if I decide to call it quits it means having to tdo some work on the house together and then sell. I feel exhausted just at the thought of it all.

Sorry that I haven't been any help Perdita - you are certainly not alone in how you feel and we put so much money and time into trying to create a place for ourselves it is so sad when we feel like a stranger in our own home. I feel the only way I could impove things is to really put my foot down - but it would be a battle everyday to have some order and respect in the house and at the moment I just don;'t have the energy.

Please let us know how you get on

[Cat Familiar]

Fortunately when my husband and I were planning on living together and needing to expand the little house I had built, I insisted upon him having his own studio, aka man-cave.

I knew that after living on my own for several years after my divorce from the first BPD husband, that it would be difficult for me to live with someone, as I was accustomed to having my own space.

That was one of the best decisions I ever made. I don’t know how long I could have tolerated all the noise and chaos he generates. There’s always a TV on, often a stereo too, and then he will be on the computer.

And my love of order and a place for everything and everything in its place, well...that would have been a distant memory had we lived in the same space.

We do share kitchen, living room, laundry room, and some other common spaces. It’s taken a while for him to learn that I don’t want chaos in those areas and now it all works well. I think my organizational skills have rubbed off on him as he gets frustrated by his own messiness and is striving to create a more peaceful and orderly living space in his studio.

But there was a time when it was quite uncomfortable for us both. I didn’t relish being labeled as a perfectionist just because I didn’t want to live in a garbage dump and he felt judged, perhaps rightly so, for not cleaning up his messes.

[Teno]

Since home is such an essential part of what makes us feel secure in life - on all levels, but especially emotionally - I wonder how much of this is intentional.  It seems to me that this is just another part of their obsession to control, but that most of us don't even realize this. We focus so much on the actual conflicts that it's easy not to notice the deeper layers of instability it comes with.

I very much hear you about not feeling number one in your H life. I've been battling for that position myself all these years. I think they want us to constantly feel that yearning to be the most important person in their lives.  It means that we are constantly trying our best to show that we are worthy of that position.  I am just really tired of trying to reach the unobtainable.

No and I can relate to you Perdita.

[ortac77]

Yes I do feel at home.

I am a very organised and tidy person. I suspect TBH a little OCD. I come from a 'poor' background and therefore not only like tidiness and order but also take great care of my possesions.

My partner is not and likes 'clutter' - I may be wrong here but his collection of 'stuff' seems to be comforting to him?

A recipe for disaster! ? Actually after much effort we have reached a compromise, we sleep in separate rooms and being lucky enough to live in a fairly large house have effectively created 'demarkation zones'. The downstairs I insist on being tidy especially the lounge and kitchen and over time he has come to respect that, OK I might be a bit more fussy about keeping it clean but accept that is my choice. Upstairs the same 'rules' apply to my bedroom, dressing room, study and bathroom.

Upstairs he has his own bedroom and ensuite, also another room to 'chill out' and I don't interfere with those. It's his choice, it's his clutter and I let him clean those on his own schedule not getting involved.

I might not like his 'slobbishness' but equally probably he does not like my obsession with tidiness.

So yes think we have both found a way to feel 'at home'.