helping an adult son in a difficult marriage

[Sagey]

I have 4 grown children.
My oldest son is newly married and it is coming to light that the girl he married is not who he thought she was.  I suspect BPD.
My oldest daughter has diagnosed BPD, so I have a lot of understanding/ experience.and we have been living with this for about 10 years.  We are always working on our relationship and find very good ways to live in harmony.
With this new revelation of my daughter-in-law, I am torn how to help.
My son is open to talk now (because they just had a big "issue") but as soon as things are smoother again, he feels like it's all going to be "ok".
There are so many signs, issues, problems.  Co-dependency with her mom is one of the main ones.  My son - a kind, giving, servant of a husband - is her puppet and it breaks my heart.  He deserves so much better.  How do I begin to help without coming across like I want to break up their marriage?
... my heart is broken for him.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Sagey, It is good to meet you although I am sorry for the circumstances. It must be heartbreaking to see your son suffer in a marriage to a person with BPD. Like you say, it is hard to know what to do that won't look like you are trying to break them up. That is tricky. I would be super careful not to take sides. That could really backfire. As one who has knowledge and experience with loving someone with BPD you have a lot to offer your son in the way of support as he navigates his marriage. Just be careful and don't overdo the "help" in a way that could be seen as intrusive. Meanwhile take good care of yourself. You can't be of use to anyone else if you aren't in a good and healthy place yourself. Do you have a self care plan? Keep posting. We are here for you.

[Ex-Mother-In-Law]

Hi.  I have an ex-daughter-in-law who, after the divorce, we realized had uBPD.  At times I marvel that I did not recognize that she had BPD while she and my son were together, however I understand that I did not realize it due to a combination of ignorance about BPD and my son trying to manage his life as an adult (and thus not share everything with his mom). 

I think you have an opportunity, that I did not, by realizing that your DIL has uBPD while they are still married - although your son's understandable desire to try to make this work, will be a risk factor in terms of the influence you can exert, making this very tricky.

If I had know my DIL had BPD the big thing I would have done differently is to try to discourage (or at least not be encouraging of) their having kids.  Had they stayed together in a dysfunctional way, that would have been hard to watch, but partly his choice.  Had the marriage collapsed without kids, it would have been a challenging recovery for my son, but manageable through no contact.  However, having kids has made the situation unbearable for me to watch. 

In my son's case, he did not come to understand and be willing to separate from his wife, until she left him.   By then they had kids, and the opportunity for no-contact was not possible.  Instead, she uses the kids, constantly, to make him feel like he may lose access to them (the courts still seem biased towards the mother) if he does not bow to her every whim.  My son is trapped in an ongoing nightmare where there is no more love, only dysfunction, that he cannot get away from until the kids are grown (or maybe longer if the kids have struggles dealing with their relationship with their mom after that.)

So, my advice, really to myself if I could do it over again, and thus to you - if you think the situation fits - is to gently dissuade having kids until/unless your son fully understands what he has gotten into and can make a rational decision on his own.

If/when you are able to talk to your son about your perception that she has BPD, your experience with your daughter, and his with his sister, gives you the perfect opening.  My guess is that your son experienced his sister's behavior as within the spectrum of normal, since he has lived with it, while growing up and loving her.  My other guess is that he learned ways to get along with someone with BPD, while relating to his sister, so he may not really understand how dysfunctional his relationship with his wife is.

If there are no children involved, you may have time for your son to see the reality himself, as he matures.  However, whenever he opens the door to talk about it, you may be able to help him see the situation for what it is.  My inclination would be to not use words like co-dependent, because I think negative labels often just make people defensive, but still convey the concept as much as you can, stressing his vulnerability due to his patterns with his sister. 

Again, if I had known then what I know now, all of my energy would have gone into discouraging children from entering the picture.  That would have bought my son time to work things through in his own mind and psychology, and would have enabled him to either stay and try to make it work, or leave, instead of being stuck in the dysfunction without a choice.

Good Luck!