She has BPD? 1yr relationship, she has very interesting background

[DanMR]

I make 1yr of relation with my girlfriend.

After just weeks of meeting her she invites me to her house to live together.

She was, and in general is, a nice, shy person, and did plenty for me. But mostly in the last months she presents signs of BD that worries me (changes mood quickly and gets upset plenty hours, she has doubts regarding me and mostly ignores me some days).

Short describtion of her (I tought is was very interesting as I discovered her background!)

- 32 yrs old and says never had long/stable relationship
- very shy, not confortable, very low self esteem even tho she looks good
- very submissive in bed, does everything sexually
- she did not had many ex boyfriends, she had “adventures” but also longer at max 1yr relationship

- she changes mood very quickly, she cries a lot, gets upset for little things and not talk a whole day

- she talks very little with her parents, brother, does not have many friends and does not talk much

- some days she’s very attached to me, some days she ignores me totally and not in the mood to talk

- she had relationships mostly only for sex, not a real relationship; she accepted like that even not too happy as she told me; she’s sad because all the men did not wanted serious relationship with her
 - she dumped some of her ex boyfriends just like that, after she got upset for little things

- she dated even 3 guys in the same time for not serious relationships, not very faithful, sometimes she accepted to go to a men house after 10 min of talking (not directly for sex from first meeting, but to get intimiate, kissing etc)

- sometimes she says she wants even childrens with me, other day when she gets ungry she says she is not made for having a relationship, that she had enough of me and she prefers to be lonely

- she admits that for her in general a relation is good to have only if it is very intense, if not is better to be alone, and that she can leave even after 10yrs of relation if is not intense

(besides that she’s also a good person, she is nice with almost everybody, has good intentions, she did plenty for me, in general she is very ok with me, sex is great)

Just that I think a long serious relation with her is very hard to have, I think she is very unpredictable.

Now her "cycles" are like 1-2 weeks she is ok with me (but not as how she was in the beggining), 2-3 days she ignores me or she's mean (we live together but she's nervous and doesn't talk much)


Opinions please? I should be prepared for what? Do you think she has BD?

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[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you are reaching out here for support and help.  We all get it here so you are in good company for sure.

It is hard to say if your girlfriend has BPD of not.  Regardless, it sounds like there are some difficult and confusing behaviors to deal with and we can help with that.  Reading more about the disorder will help you navigate your relationship.  We also have tools you can use that will help you cope and can help you possibly improve your relationship.

If you had to pick one thing to focus upon in your relationship in terms of trying to improve it, what would it be?

[DanMR]

Her impredictibilty is the most negativ part for me.

Everything can be great for 1 week, but then she can get upset for nothing and tell me that "she's dissappointed of me" or that "she had enough of me".

I think the topic should be better placed in "Conflicted or just tolerating it", because I am not happy about the relation.

She is overall an nice person but too impredictable, her past is a little strange and she also admits that she wants only "very intense relationships", if not she is better alone.

So how long do you think a relation like this can last?

Me mostly I want to prepare myself that she can end our relation just like that, or even myself to find the power to end at some moment because I do think the relation it goes to nowhere.

As BPD sympthoms, I think she has the majority of them (fear of abbondment-she dreams often that I leave her; changing moods, unstable relationships, bad image of herself- she says all the time she's ugly if tho she isnt) only without the suicidal sympthoms. The majority of time she's normal tho.

Just that not very very pronunciated these symptoms. She gets upset for nothing but she does not throw objects to me or something like this. She cries and do not talk for some hours, don t want to be touched etc

What do you think?

[Euler2718]

Can you remember how you felt before her and compare? Mine used to call me and after a while I dreaded picking up there phone because I knew there was a 50/50 chance of a small or even big fight. I remember now looking at the phone and feeling my blood pressure go up.

As for intense relationships only, is that fun? I sort of just want to relax and feel safe instead.

[DanMR]

I was definitely feeling better before knowing her, because I am also the guy that likes stable things.

But she attracted me with her way of being very nice, the sex very intense, the feeling like she is a “drug” for me (honeymoon period, but now is almost over for me).

Even now in general she is a nice and normal person, but she has repetitive episodes when she gets upset and cries and doesn’t talk for some time.

And talking in account her past without any stable relation and her unpredictability... almost drives me crazy...

[Harri]

Everything can be great for 1 week, but then she can get upset for nothing and tell me that "she's dissappointed of me" or that "she had enough of me".

It is very confusing and troubling to be on the receiving end of this sort of behavior.  Unpredictability is very hard to deal with both in a practical sense and emotionally. 

I think the topic should be better placed in "Conflicted or just tolerating it", because I am not happy about the relation.

This board, the Bettering board is really the best place for you to be if you are still in your relationship even if you think you want to end it.  Maybe especially if you want to end it.    We focus on learning tools and working on us so that we can better respond rather than react and learn to deal with things more constructively for our own self.  You are in the right place.  The name of the board does not dictate the state or your desire for your relationship.  Does that make sense?

Me mostly I want to prepare myself that she can end our relation just like that, or even myself to find the power to end at some moment because I do think the relation it goes to nowhere.

I think it is best for you to focus on what you want regarding the relationship.  It sounds like you may want very different things than she does.  When things are stable in your r/s how do you feel about staying with her?

[DanMR]

When things are stable I enjoy the moments with her as she is nice and careful. But in my mind I try not to get too attached to her and to prepare myself that she can change her mood kust like that or even dump me...

But I don't know exctly if she has BPD or not.

Can she have BPD if she never had suicidal behavior?

Or if her "episodes" are not very very intense (no fighting nor throwing objects), but not talking at all, crying etc (of course she finds a little reason to get into this state, but it s just something not very important).

When she is nice and warm with me, she does not change mood that easily. But if she s in the period where she kinda ignores me, it  does not take much to piss her off.

The proportion is 1-2 weeks good state, 2-3 days bad temper that usually ends with some hours that she is very upset and does not speak.

[DanMR]

Some months have passed and the things got worse and worse

She's now cycling as 2-3 days nice with me, 1-2 days getting upset, mad for nothing and not talking much.

So every week she's getting at least 1 time upset for now reason.

Her moods are changing more often too, each day when I go home I feel that I find a different person (either detached, either happy, either depressed, either normal, either nervous etc)

She also said she wants to break up with me several times, but afterwards, if she sees that we can definitely break up, she starts acting nice again

Now I am pretty sure she has BPD, even do she is a high functioning one 

[DanMR]

So finally we sort of "dumped" each other.

She started more and more often her cycles of getting angry without reason and telling we should dump each other, I should leave etc

And so I packed and leaved for a few days, then she started acting very very nice that she desperetely wants me back.

I came back, and in 1-2 weeks she started slowly again to be mean without reason, not talk etc

So I left again, this time forever I hope.

2 weeks had passed, I do talk with her, and she sends me messages all the time that she wants me to came back, that I am her greatest thing, she promise she will change etc etc

Me I just want to resist, forget her and move along with my life, because I don't see no futur with her.

What do you think?

[hardrockcy]

Hi DanMR,
What finally happened within this month? 
Are you together?
Do u try to re conciliate?
Or you do not communicate?