Mediation support

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi there.  My ex-girlfriend has BPD.  Anyhow, she is now fighting me for 50% custody of my son (I'm his birth-mother). She is not his biological parent, nor were we married.  She hadn't intended to adopt him and I left her before he turned a year old. She always threatened to go after custody any time she was upset with me and is now doing so.  I'm beyond devastated and very scared for my child.  We will be doing private mediation and I don't know what to expect.  The state I'm living in favors 50/50 usually and someone with BPD is not enough reason to change that.  I'm extremely depressed that I cannot protect my son from her rage and outburts and am wondering if there are other people who can point me in the direction for support.  I do see a therapist weekly now for support but was hoping for support around mediation and how to now be forced to co-parent with my ex. It's rare I can even have a conversation with her due to her behaviors. I'm feeling helpless.

Thank you

[newoutlook6]

Hi there.  My ex-girlfriend has BPD.  Anyhow, she is now fighting me for 50% custody of my son (I'm his birth-mother). She is not his biological parent, nor were we married.  She hadn't intended to adopt him and I left her before he turned a year old. She always threatened to go after custody any time she was upset with me and is now doing so.  I'm beyond devastated and very scared for my child.  We will be doing private mediation and I don't know what to expect.  The state I'm living in favors 50/50 usually and someone with BPD is not enough reason to change that.  I'm extremely depressed that I cannot protect my son from her rage and outburts and am wondering if there are other people who can point me in the direction for support.  I do see a therapist weekly now for support but was hoping for support around mediation and how to now be forced to co-parent with my ex. It's rare I can even have a conversation with her due to her behaviors. I'm feeling helpless.

Thank you

[kells76]

Hi newoutlook6, I'm very glad you found the message boards here!

Dealing with people who have BPD, or people who just have BPD-type behaviors, is draining, stressful, and can be frightening, especially when there are kids involved.

You're really taking a great step by reaching out for support and knowledge before mediation starts. It sounds like you've done a little research about custody splits in your state, too.

One thing that my husband and I found helpful (when his kids' mom kept unilaterally cutting down on his parenting time) was doing brief consultations with a couple of family law attorneys. You don't actually have to retain them, you can just have a 30-60min session. Sometimes the consultations are free but sometimes you do have to pay a bit. Bring in the details of your situation, including that you plan to do private mediation, and they can fill you in on what you could expect. Sometimes getting professional feedback can go a long way in helping to understand your advantages. It's possible that because you guys weren't married and she didn't legally adopt that you may have more of a leg up than you think.

Remember that you aren't required to agree to anything in mediation.

Do you have any documentation of your ex-GF's behaviors -- especially ones involving your kid? I.e., does she engage in dangerous parenting behaviors?

Keep letting us know how we can help you out! It can be a long, tough road, but we'll be here.

kells76

[zachira]

I am confused as to why your ex-girlfriend would have any rights. She is not the biological parent, you were never married, and she did not adopt him. I am wondering if you are more upset by how she keeps projecting her rage onto you by upsetting you in any way she can. You  are smart to be seeing a therapist as long term therapy can help to deal with the short and long term problems due to this relationship, break-up and parenting challenges.

[GaGrl]

I'm with scabies -- I'm unsure how she feels she has a custody claim under those circumstances.

Was she part of the decision for you to have a child? Did she go through the pregnancy with you? Was she present for the birth! Or did your relationship post-war the birth of your son?

[formflier]

Please consult with a lawyer to understand if there is a valid claim..or pathway to a claim for any parental rights whatsoever.

Generally..someone needs to be a parent to have parental rights.

FF

[GaGrl]

Zahira...not scabies.

Darn autocorrect.

[livednlearned]

She always threatened to go after custody any time she was upset with me and is now doing so.  

People with BPD tend to have trouble letting go and hurts felt in your relationship are likely stacked a mile high on other unresolved hurts that predated you. She uses aggression to avoid having to resolve those earlier hurts.

It sounds more like she's using threats stay negatively engaged...which is different than having a winning strategy.

Can you let us know what private mediation looks like where you live? Maybe we can help walk with you through some of the psychological pieces so you feel better prepared to protect yourself, both legally and emotionally.

[ForeverDad]

You didn't state how long you've been separated.  That might be a factor the court may include.  If you separated a while ago, say, a year or more, then her claims, however weak or strong, could be weakened with the passage of time apart from the child.

As long as she isn't on the birth certificate and there is no paperwork recognizing her as parent, then she may have an uphill case hard to win.

There's also a possibility that she will not pursue a case in court too strenuously, or not for long.