Strange messages from uBPDDIL

[Elizabeth22]

I want to thank everyone who kept me in their thoughts. I am deeply grateful, you have no idea.  
(Harri, Faith,livednlearned,wendydarling,Only Human and anyone else)

I am going to try to answer the posts here that I have not answered, because the last week or so I have read them and thought about them a lot, then tried to figure out how they have applied, are applying now and might apply in the future.

Lollypop, you were right that me being in a state of not knowing what to do was a positive, because what it meant was I did nothing, and let the next event unfold on it's own. Instead of taking action, which may have changed the natural course of things, it enabled me to let whatever was going to happen, just happen, if that makes sense. It needed to happen like that. (I think you pretty much told me it would happen like that and to observe)


livednlearned, your comment to me about the kinder you became, the more aggressive your SD22 became, has been playing over and over in my head, and it's true for me too. This is the hardest I have ever tried with my DIL, the least reactive I have been and the more I have bit my tongue, for 2 solid years. It changed nothing. She is who she is. She does not appreciate all the times so many people have had to forgive her and the list of people willing to deal with her is dwindling and I was on the list of people willing to deal with her, but not anymore.

And you are correct about my rage, I had surrendered a lot of my limits and overlooked and forgave things that should not have been overlooked or forgiven. I am a very empathetic person, but that empathy does not extend to people who abuse and neglect children. It also does not extend to people who have torn my family apart and who is basically holding my son hostage. He and I had a very good talk and we have talked in a way we have not been able to since he has been with her and I don't feel as much like I lost my son as I used to.

My husband talks to his therapist about all this, and he said that if we interact with them, they need to know they need to earn our trust back, after everything that has happened. My husband has been very affected by this too.

I think my son matured a great deal in the 3 years he did not speak to me. I attribute this to a few things 1. He was not seeing his older son, who is an 'issue' for DIL, and 2. He was not seeing or speaking to me, and I know I am an issue for her.
What happened to him is he was left alone with her. There was no one to blame when things went wrong. He HAD to face that SHE is the problem. He gets it now. I think. She broke all her promises to him and he was left alone with that.

I am going with the trust angle, because any tiny shred of trust I had in her is just gone. The only thing I will say to her, if I say anything to her is - I cannot speak to you or listen to you at this time because my trust in you is completely gone.

She has done so many other things I haven't posted about, but every single one of them has just put me here, with nothing to say to her except how I really feel, succinctly and bottom lined, no examples or anything , just my conclusion.

I have anxiety and ptsd from severe childhood abuse. I have spent decades in therapy and still go, and this has wrecked me. I am not the person I was, the person who could function and be normal, whatever that is. I used to be a really productive person and I am not anymore, I am not myself anymore, this has been going on for 11 years and it's been very traumatic.

FaithHopeLove I have been to Alanon before, it was recommended to me as a way to cope with my extremely dysfunctional family of origin, some are alcoholics. I did not find the meetings near me to be really helpful, but I am so happy you are finding something in it for you and your family.


Thank you all for helping me come to some important realizations. I will still be here venting, because I don't think it's anywhere close to over.

Love,
Elizabeth22  oxoxox

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks for keeping us updated. It seems like you are putting the pieces together quite well. One step at a time. Focus on you and your own self care first.

[Turkish]

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