Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
November 01, 2024, 02:23:22 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Books most popular with members
104
Stop Caretaking the
Borderline or the Narcassist
Stop Walking
on Eggshells
Journey from
Abandonment to Healing
The Search for Real Self
Unmasking Personality Disorders
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Article my wife sent me this morning
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Article my wife sent me this morning (Read 920 times)
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Article my wife sent me this morning
«
on:
April 22, 2019, 07:55:16 AM »
Together in Bed, Apart in Soul
Four Steps to Spiritual Intimacy in Marriage
So, my wife sends me this article this morning. What is a good or healthy response?
She sends me link and the following email.
Excerpt
Just sent you a good article...Together in bed, apart in soul.
Excerpt
Thanks for sending it, I'll put it on my reading list. I've read a couple lately I've been thinking of sending your way, I'll try to get them heading your way later today. Love, FF
The sad relationship patter for us is to increase "intimacy" around God/Biblical things leads to increased rocking and rolling in the relationship. Less "intimacy" leads to a much calmer relationship.Thoughts?
FF
Logged
I Am Redeemed
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1915
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #1 on:
April 22, 2019, 09:48:04 AM »
If you were to put into practice the things laid out in the article, how do you see that playing out?
Do you think this is what she wants to try to start doing with you?
Logged
We are more than just our stories.
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #2 on:
April 22, 2019, 10:23:59 AM »
I know she does. And it would go fine for a bit
Then..."FF is Jesus Christ"..."FF is not a Christian"..."FF is (fill in the blank)"
Weird applications of "do unto others".
Like...she does something around the house and I mirror it. She goes ballistic and says I should treat her the way I want to be treated. I say.."I'm fine with doing it your way..I was simply mirroring and applying do unto others."
"If you don't like (fill in the blank) shouldn't you do it that way to me, then I would mirror it back" (FF accused of heresy..misapplication of scripture..etc etc.
Basically...I know exactly..precisely the things that are blocking our "spiritual intimacy". I'm open to working on those in an ethical fashion..she's not.
Yeah..that's complicated. I'm wondering if I should send her something back asking her what she wants me to understand from the article..and see where it goes.
FF
Logged
Skip
Site Director
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 7031
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #3 on:
April 22, 2019, 11:09:42 AM »
Your response sounds emotionally unavailable and defensive. Is this how you feel?
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #4 on:
April 22, 2019, 11:13:47 AM »
Emotionally unavailable to be "religiously close" with my wife. Yes..that's how I "feel".
Defensive: I certainly don't feel defensive about it. I feel sad about it, since I do have fond memories of when we were close.
FF
Logged
GaGrl
Ambassador
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5757
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #5 on:
April 22, 2019, 01:11:30 PM »
Does your wife differentiate between "religious" and "spiritual"?
Logged
"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #6 on:
April 22, 2019, 02:08:32 PM »
I'm sure she does.
She really wouldn't use those words. "Biblical" is her go to word. Very black and white. If it's "Biblical" it's 100% great..all in. If it's not, it's 100% bad...must be excised from existence.
That would work out if she would consistently go with a "plain reading" of the Bible. When there is a dysregulation, she is the one and only judge of what's Biblical or not, regardless of what the text actually says.
FF
Logged
I Am Redeemed
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1915
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #7 on:
April 22, 2019, 02:18:13 PM »
How would you like to work on the things that are blocking your "spiritual intimacy"?
Logged
We are more than just our stories.
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #8 on:
April 22, 2019, 02:29:10 PM »
Quote from: I Am Redeemed on April 22, 2019, 02:18:13 PM
How would you like to work on the things that are blocking your "spiritual intimacy"?
Be able to have conversations where I'm not called Jesus Christ, told I'm not a Christian, laughed at and listen to her use the Lord's name in vain when I ask for forgiveness.
I'm not in control of any of those things...therefore I focus on what I can control, which is limit my "spiritual intimacy" to people that have earned my trust to be vulnerable with...
FF
Logged
Red5
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 1661
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #9 on:
April 22, 2019, 02:50:38 PM »
Quote from: formflier on April 22, 2019, 02:08:32 PM
"Biblical" is her go to word. Very black and white. If it's "Biblical" it's 100% great...all in. If it's not, it's 100% bad...must be excised from existence.
That would work out if she would consistently go with a "plain reading" of the Bible. When there is a dysregulation, she is the one and only judge of what's Biblical or not, regardless of what the text actually says.
Formflier,
I been reading about 'talionic thinking' lately… you know, "black and white"… "rigidity in thinking"… pw/BPD will often default to this… my wife certainly does.
What Skip wrote up there…
Excerpt
Your response sounds emotionally unavailable and defensive. Is this how you feel?
Brother, careful with that… it got me, don't want that to happen to others…
"Rigidity"… rigid and uncompromising thinking... that's my wife… she's always been like that… and I fought her tooth and nail, down to the barbed wire… for years… wouldn't know a "tool" if I tripped over it… better late than never I guess.
More random "Red5 reading"… pw/BPD
have to control
, its part of their survival, we all know this, especially you Formflier… if they aren't allowed to control (boundary?)… then they pull out the flamethrower, of which you've mentioned before… and "whoosh"… scorched earth… ie' the "divorce card"…
… seems certain type model series pw/BPD have to always "win" and must always be right, and the judge, tax collector, and Officer of the Day… ie' talionic thinking (Old Testament Bible), rigid thought process, no compromise… which is reversed wired to "intimacy"… maybe this is all part of your Wife's mental circuitry… if so, all you have to do is study the schematics
…tough stuff Skipper!
We have all learned a lot from you Formflier… and I'm taking notes right now.
Red5
Logged
“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #10 on:
April 22, 2019, 02:56:50 PM »
I try to "not be rigid" in many areas of my life, I struggle to understand how my life improves by "removing rigidity" from the "religious boundaries" I am using.
I'm certainly not trying to force her to believe/act a certain way, I'm making firm decisions about the things I will be part of. She can choose to come along, or not.
FF
Logged
Red5
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 1661
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #11 on:
April 22, 2019, 03:23:59 PM »
Excerpt
I try to "not be rigid" in many areas of my life,
Good SOP (standard operating procedures), what do they say about "plans"… that they never survive the initial contact with ____. I too try not to be so rigid as well these daze, although that was a hard lesson for a former Marine to learn, & still learning that one.
Excerpt
I struggle to understand how my life improves by "removing rigidity" from the "religious boundaries" I am using.
… "religious boundaries" = morals, which are part of the operating software of our (your) boundaries… the old "go-nogo" checklist.
Excerpt
I'm certainly not trying to force her to believe/act a certain way,
None (the Non) of us ever are… we wont ever "change" them, volumes have been written in regards to this...
Excerpt
I'm making firm decisions about the things I will be part of.
Another tough one I had to learn, and I'm still learning… I read today… it you are in the "no contact zone", ie' your pw/BPD has you "black"… being "rigid", and "uncompromising"... and isn't speaking to you, then by all means!... go about the plan of the day… don't sit there and dwell, and pine for them… get 'busy', and turn-to... with the business of day to day life… set the example, and live "well".
… eggshells & landmines… "all ahead slow".
Red5
Logged
“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
empath
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 848
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #12 on:
April 22, 2019, 05:00:07 PM »
FF, I'm not sure that there's a "good" way to respond to the article because it comes from the assumption that the partners are people of "good will" as one of my friends described. Have you described the boundary that you have around religious matters to FFw?
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #13 on:
April 22, 2019, 05:16:52 PM »
Not in as much detail as I have here...because, even after promises to listen...overtalk starts happening and it's off to the races.
I did "confront" her in great detail about the last time I asked for forgiveness and her response was laughter and using the Lords name in vain. She kept repeating that she didn't laugh.
I did let her know that until we reconciled from that event our "religious intimacy" would be limited.
Her "modus operindai" would be to act like that was dealt with and forgiven...and therefor I'm not allowed to bring up a forgiven item or some other smoke and mirror thing.
So...long winded answer to say she is aware my "distance" is because of her action/words.
FF
Logged
empath
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 848
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #14 on:
April 22, 2019, 05:50:01 PM »
Excerpt
Her "modus operindai" would be to act like that was dealt with and forgiven...and therefor I'm not allowed to bring up a forgiven item or some other smoke and mirror thing.
It doesn't sound like it was "dealt with" -- but, she probably wouldn't agree with that.
I suppose you could remind her of the boundary.
Logged
GaGrl
Ambassador
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5757
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #15 on:
April 22, 2019, 05:52:18 PM »
FF, do you consider your marriage, as it stands today, to be a Biblical marriage?
If not, would you say that to your wife, or would that be explosive?
Logged
"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #16 on:
April 22, 2019, 06:05:32 PM »
Not really.
On the "big issues" she does "respect me" and "backs down" (big issue like are you going to hold a public "trial"/"confessional" for D13)...I stated my religious grounds for not doing it and shut it down. She did relent.
I would say we are 30-40% of a Biblical marriage (trying to stay away from black and white..yes or no)
FF
Logged
Notwendy
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10996
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #17 on:
April 23, 2019, 06:56:39 AM »
FF, rather than you have a calculated response, what if you asked her to sit down with you and explain what the article means to her?
I think Skip put it correctly-
Your response sounds emotionally unavailable and defensive. Is this how you feel?
I can relate to this, and I am not in a Biblical marriage by the way your church denomination practices it. But I have also read religious material that describes issues in a secular marriage or marriage in other religions/denominations in Biblical terms.
Spiritual intimacy can be experienced as emotional intimacy. That is universal to romantic relationships. The opening paragraph of the article- not being able to agree on things. The statement : she has her Bible study, I have mine. The article isn't discussing a marriage with a person with BPD. It's an issue for some marriages without it as well.
What I think this comes down to is vulnerability. You can't be vulnerable with her, and for reasons that make sense. Without vulnerability, emotional intimacy is hard to establish. I also think a pwBPD is not able to be emotionally vulnerable either- and this is part of the push pull/control. When she feels too vulnerable, she pulls back, lashes out.
The "Jesus" comment, the "you are not a Christian" comment is, IMHO, word vomit, and once the words are out and she feels better, it is as if all is OK. She feels OK, she assumes you do too. These comments are her own pain- so she chooses words that are painful for you. They aren't meant to be blasphemous, but hurtful. The Bible is a sensitive subject for the two of you. You sometimes "fight" through Bible verses and religion because it is sensitive.
My H has said similar hurtful things but he doesn't choose religion as it isn't the issue we have the most difficulty with. Yet, the words have been equally hurtful in that they address issues that matter to me. My mother has chosen the most hurtful things she could say on behalf of my now deceased father to me- because she knows he was very important to me and it is probably the meanest thing she can think of in the moment. I don't believe your wife's comment about Jesus was about Jesus- but a hurtful comment to you. Yet, it is almost impossible to get an apology for these types of comments. When they are made, the person is in victim mode, and truly feels they are deserved. Once it's done, it's emotionally over for them, or they feel shame for them and want it all to be forgotten.
I will fully admit to being less emotionally vulnerable and defensive due to these kinds of words from my H. It is difficult to hear these things over the years and not feel defensive. It was an MC who helped me to not add meaning to them and this has helped me to not take them personally. In turn, this has helped the relationship.
The words are hurtful if we let them be but we can work on this. I started with the "pink elephant" idea- substituting that for the insult. What if your wife said you were a pink elephant instead of her comment? You'd let that roll off your back. If we are able to not be emotionally reactive to the comments, and not let them hurt us, it helps with our ability to be emotionally available. Your wife may still want this, even if her capacity to do it isn't great.
«
Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 07:02:52 AM by Notwendy
»
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #18 on:
April 23, 2019, 07:13:41 AM »
And...to make sure we are apples to apples..., you husband gathered your children and explained to them that you were a pink elephant...and all the bad stuff that goes with that.
These things happen when we become "emotionally close" around religious issues, when we are NOT emotionally close, I can't think of one time crazy things like this come out of her mouth regarding religion.
I completely agree that soon after the things came out of her mouth it was likely over for her..for that moment.
Switching gears. I let her know I wanted to listen to her thoughts about the article, particularly what was meaningful to her. I also sent her a podcast I recently found powerful. She hasn't responded. (I sent this last afternoon/evening). She seemed particularly "remote" last night.
This morning she was particularly clingy, lots of talking about how teachers are out to get her..."stack" her classroom against her. As I was in the other room gathering some things to put in the dishwasher I heard her say "Yep...kick me out of the house and get back to doing whatever you want."
I entered the room...saw it was only my wife, and continued on with the prior conversation, which she seemed happy to do.
Twighlight zone...BPD zone..whatever.
FF
Logged
Notwendy
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10996
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #19 on:
April 23, 2019, 07:33:58 AM »
FF- he has not ever done that, thank goodness and I don't think he would. He's conscientious about triangulating with the kids. The issues are mainly between the two of us. He says hurtful things to me in the heat of the moment, but leaves them out of it thank goodness. He has sometimes mentioned them as a hurtful comment, but he doesn't say things in front of them.
The kids are a bottom line for me. Having grown up with a BPD mother, this is a deal breaker for me. One of the reasons I feel our marriage is workable is that he is good to the kids.
Full blown BPD mother does this. She pulled me aside many times to tell me bad things about my father, also painted me black to him, and to anyone else she wanted to say things too. She has also taken my H aside to try to badmouth me to him. She's tried it with my kids, so my approach has been to not ever let her be alone with them. Now that they are older, they know about BPD and so this doesn't really work with them.
I don't know how I would handle it if my H did this. I don't think I would be married to him but if I did choose to stay, I don't know if I could control it either. Having grown up with this though, I don't know if it was as damaging in the long run compared to keeping my mother's issues a secret. By my teen years, I could see her behavior was not normal, and neither were the things he said to me. I could see how my father behaved. He was a good man. Yes, there were issues with co-dependency, but he role modeled good values. I think your kids will see that you are an upright person over time no matter what your wife says. Yet, I also know that these comments can be damaging in some cases- so I would remain concerned too.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #20 on:
April 23, 2019, 07:50:34 AM »
So...while I miss the emotional closeness with my wife, especially around Christian things, it is undeniable there is correlation between "closeness" and acting out.
I would go so far as to say "causation".
I don't control what my wife says, but I do "get a vote", in essence I "control" (at least 50%) the emotional closeness regarding Christian things...our "Christian relationship".
So...in a sense I "control" the amount of crazy religious things my kids are told, many of them about me.
Therefore, since my wife is not interested in controlling herself..working on herself, I choose a pathway of less religious crazy for my kids.
I think that gives them the best chance of getting to adulthood and forming an independent relationship with God in a healthy way. (I get it sadly the deck is stacked against them...I'm trying to make as much lemonade with the lemons I have).
FF
Logged
Notwendy
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10996
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #21 on:
April 23, 2019, 08:54:43 AM »
From your posts about what your wife says, I think she does invite God/Bible into your marriage as a third party on the Karpman triangle. It makes sense that a person who has dysfunctional relationships would also have a dysfunctional relationship with God.
So you have good reason to minimize the Bible talking in your home, as it also includes statements that you don't condone. On the other hand, your wife could still want spiritual intimacy. People want what they want, but that doesn't mean you provide this with her if it isn't something you think is a good thing to do.
I won't suggest you change your ideal of a Biblical marriage. I think people have the right to choose their set of religious beliefs ( as long as they are legal ) but there are other arrangements of religious marriages. Not all couples talk about the Bible together. It would be nice, but perhaps it is too emotionally laden a topic. For me personally ( and that doesn't mean you or others)- living it is better than speaking it. I uphold my marital vows- try my best to live according to the values as stated in the Bible- how we treat others, being trustworthy and set an example for the kids.
I don't know a lot of couples who are perfectly spiritually matched but they still make it work - because they can make other things work too. I find it difficult to discuss anything emotional with my H. It's as if he is triggered by the emotion I display or tone of my voice. Even if I am not discussing him, any agitation or distress on my part triggers his anger. He has to stop it, stomp it out. I think it makes him uncomfortable so he gets angry. To me that's adding hurt to the situation, but I try to see the larger picture. It's not me, it's how he feels when he's with me and I'm upset about something. It's worse if that something is him.
So, we can argue over paint colors, or where to retire someday, or anything and if it's emotional to me- it's a set up. Religion is an emotional topic in your family.
I've known couples of different religions, couples of same religion when one is more devout than the other and wants to do more - while the other one doesn't. I suspect these situations have conflicts, but I think their ability to resolve these conflicts depends on their own abilities to resolve any conflicts- communication and emotional regulation skills. Your wife doesn't have good emotional regulation skills. You are the one to bring this to the marriage. It isn't this one issue. It's how you resolve all issues.
Logged
empath
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 848
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #22 on:
April 23, 2019, 11:57:44 AM »
FF, recently, I recognized that the point where things started going downhill quickly with my h was when he became more involved in leadership at church. That was when the threats of divorce started and the increasing physical violence. He triangulated the church leadership and his parents against me - the people he could get an audience with. It's part of the reason that I knew I needed to stay away from his church.
I miss being able to share that part of my life with him; it's hard to be a grey rock in that area because it is such an important part of my life.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #23 on:
April 23, 2019, 12:08:02 PM »
My P says exactly the same thing...that FFw tries (and does) triangulate with God. Then she tries to "weaponize" scripture (putting God in the persecutor role I would guess).
The sadness for me is I have many years of really fond memories of closeness. I want that to return, yet clearly understand the downsides to trying to get it to return, when FFw is not the least bit introspective about her own part in this. "not the least bit" might be a bit strong, but certainly there is no consistency.
FF
Logged
Red5
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 1661
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #24 on:
April 23, 2019, 12:29:10 PM »
Quote from: Notwendy on April 23, 2019, 06:56:39 AM
I think Skip put it correctly-
Your response sounds emotionally unavailable and defensive. Is this how you feel
?
I will fully admit to being less emotionally vulnerable and defensive due to these kinds of words from my H.
It is difficult to hear these things over the years and not feel defensive
.
It was an MC who helped me to not add meaning to them and this has helped me to not take them personally. In turn, this has helped the relationship.
I discussed this with "T" (Major Tom) last week… and he said;… "you went into survival mode Red, that's what you needed to do at the time, she did not give you much choice"…
Hmmm, "survival mode" {is} "emotionally unavailable"… that's a two edged sword, either way you go with it.
Red5
Logged
“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
I Am Redeemed
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1915
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #25 on:
April 23, 2019, 12:30:24 PM »
You know, now that I think about it, any time stbx and I would try to study the Bible together, or do a devotional or watch a biblical marriage sermon or attend a biblical marriage conference, whatever, it seemed that he always had the unspoken agenda of getting me to "get it"; whatever "it" was, he thought that I was the one who needed to learn it so I could treat him better. He would take things that "we" learned and use them against me later to point out how I was falling short, was a hypocrite, etc. Never turned the mirror on himself through the Word.
Instead of it bringing us closer, it just added more weapons to his arsenal. The triangulation with God makes sense. He only brought God in when it supported his perceptions of me being wrong and him being right.
Logged
We are more than just our stories.
Red5
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 1661
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #26 on:
April 23, 2019, 12:41:26 PM »
Quote from: I Am Redeemed on April 23, 2019, 12:30:24 PM
He only brought God in when it supported his perceptions of me being wrong and him being right.
My uBPDw (separated) has told me numerous times… (quote)… "you can take your (autistic) Son to Church as much as you like, but it will never make up for how you've treated your wife"… (end-quote).
She also… is not the least bit introspective about her own part in this, "not the least bit"…
I continue to try and "fix" me… sometimes I think she is right, I dunno, I seem to be running out of railroad track these days.
I hope and pray that you do get back to (real time) really fond memories of closeness with your Wife one day Formflier… I follow you closely here, you've a lot on your plate my friend… "quite frankly" sometimes I don't know how you seem to manage it all, wow!… 'Salute' !
Kind Regards, Red5
Logged
“We are so used to our own history, we do not see it as remarkable or out of the ordinary, whereas others might see it as horrendous. Further, we tend to minimize that which we feel shameful about.” {Quote} Patrick J. Carnes / author,
Notwendy
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10996
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #27 on:
April 24, 2019, 06:47:55 AM »
I think it comes down to intimacy- of any kind. Talking about spirituality is a kind of intimacy.
I was trying to talk to my H - not about anything intimate, but talk. I found myself feeling frustrated. I was speaking, he was answering in one word sentences and not initiating back.
He is uncomfortable with any kind of close speech and if I am talkative, he shuts the conversation down with his lack of response to block even the possibility I might get into that.
I stopped trying years ago. Yet, I think he still thinks I will do this. He can go on an on about politics, the weather, the news. But deeper conversation and the wall comes up. I just happened to be in a talkative mood. His response- he had stuff to do, isolated himself in his home office.
Like you FF, I find we get along much better when I don't try to have a deep level of verbal intimacy. When I do, it makes him uncomfortable, he shuts down and I feel frustrated from trying. That doesn't mean he doesn't want it though. He has said " you don't talk to me anymore" "you don't show interest in me" but things go more smoothly in the family when I keep a distance. Also, each time I try, it doesn't work well. It usually ends up with him getting angry and me feeling like an idiot for trying again (and getting the same results).
Not that I like it, but if we are to get along together, it's better.
Logged
Cat Familiar
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7501
Re: Article my wife sent me this morning
«
Reply #28 on:
April 24, 2019, 09:01:19 AM »
This thread has reached its maximum length and is locked. The conversation continues here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336057.msg13049143#msg13049143
Logged
“The Four Agreements 1. Be impeccable with your word. 2. Don’t take anything personally. 3. Don’t make assumptions. 4. Always do your best. ” ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Article my wife sent me this morning
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...