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Author Topic: Honest last ditch effort  (Read 408 times)
Cipher13
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« on: April 23, 2019, 11:28:33 AM »

I was debating on which topic I should post about. First option was how to communicate or begin the stages to actually leave my house and move out. (Which I am more for in my own mind I feel.)  Or second option: Last ditch effort to set some boundaries in my life and more so how to keep them enforced. 

So here it is my last ditch effort to find a way to make my life at home better. I do not set boundaries. And any small effort that you could even consider being called a boundary doesn't last. How do I  bring up certain boundaries or things I feel I am being taken advantage of.

For example: Here is a typical day. Wake up 3:45am, make breakfast and lunch for both wife and myself,  (She is still asleep), iron her work clothes, let the dogs out, drive an hour to work, respond to what feels like almost 100 text and emails form wife during the day, (drives me crazy),  drive an hour home, make dinner for us, (she is still at work) I eat and got to second job (3 to 3-1/2 hours), wife comes home (if not going to her second job (only 2 hours 2 to 3 days a week) eats and watches TV, and texts me at 2nd job although not as frequent...unless she is bored then its intensely frequent. by 8:30pm she is in bed. I come home to laundry that needs to go in the washer or dryer, dishes piled up form dinner I made, and some times she needs gas in her car for the morning. I am in bed (separate room from her) by 9:30. Sleep and repeat.


That doesn't include weekends where there is a whole litany of other tasks and hoops I am asked to jump through... So I need to set boundaries of what I am willing to do and what she should be doing for herself. Please I need help with how to present this...Times I have tried it has been met with excuses and projection of guilt and many other forms or methods to get me to keep to the status quo.
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2019, 12:22:50 PM »



Boundaries are my number 1 tool that "calmed" my relationship.

After reading your story..wow..that's a busy life.

Before getting into particulars...can I point you to a resource to learn more about boundaries?
 
Boundary lesson

As you read this I'm much more interested in your thoughts on how to "do" boundaries..than to "present" boundaries.

FF
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Cipher13
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« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2019, 12:27:44 PM »

The link didn't work.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2019, 01:30:20 PM »

I agree with Formflier. Boundaries are necessary when dealing with a pwBPD or as you well know, you may be overrun by demands and guilted if you don't comply.  I don't know if this is the article Formflier had in mind, but it's a good one.  Setting Boundaries
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2019, 01:31:21 PM »


https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
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boatingwoman
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« Reply #5 on: April 23, 2019, 01:38:55 PM »

Why do you iron her clothes? Is it because you are a neat freak and like to, or is this something she established is your job?

What would happen if she went to work with wrinkled clothes? What if you bought a bottle of Downy wrinkle release and she can use that?

Honestly it sounds like a parent child relationship.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #6 on: April 23, 2019, 01:49:39 PM »


For example: Here is a typical day. Wake up 3:45am, make breakfast and lunch for both wife and myself,  (She is still asleep), iron her work clothes, let the dogs out, drive an hour to work, respond to what feels like almost 100 text and emails form wife during the day, (drives me crazy),  drive an hour home, make dinner for us, (she is still at work) I eat and got to second job (3 to 3-1/2 hours), wife comes home (if not going to her second job (only 2 hours 2 to 3 days a week) eats and watches TV, and texts me at 2nd job although not as frequent...unless she is bored then its intensely frequent. by 8:30pm she is in bed. I come home to laundry that needs to go in the washer or dryer, dishes piled up form dinner I made, and some times she needs gas in her car for the morning. I am in bed (separate room from her) by 9:30. Sleep and repeat.


That doesn't include weekends where there is a whole litany of other tasks...


But hey! She doesn't wake you in the middle of the night to walk her to the bathroom any more.

So...since boundaries are based on our values, and looking at the list above, what comes up for you as a value? That you value a marriage (or roommate situation that is equitable and fair? Other? Your words?

This is a place to start.

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« Reply #7 on: April 23, 2019, 01:54:08 PM »

Excerpt
set some boundaries in my life and more so how to keep them enforced.
 This part is up to you.  You can state a boundary once (though it is not always required) and then it is up to you to follow through on it every time.  

Excerpt
Times I have tried it has been met with excuses and projection of guilt and many other forms or methods to get me to keep to the status quo.
There will be push back when you first start with boundaries.  The thing is, you have to stay firm and follow through on your boundary.  Allowing her to get you to change your boundary will only reinforce her behaviors and can actually make them worse.  So it is really important to create boundaries that are within your control (as in you are the one who enforces them and the consequence surrounds your behavior) so that you can be consistent.
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« Reply #8 on: April 23, 2019, 03:21:49 PM »

There will be push back when you first start with boundaries.  The thing is, you have to stay firm and follow through on your boundary.  Allowing her to get you to change your boundary will only reinforce her behaviors and can actually make them worse.  So it is really important to create boundaries that are within your control (as in you are the one who enforces them and the consequence surrounds your behavior) so that you can be consistent.

What Harri said is very important. You might want to start with an easy boundary, one that you know you can be consistent with, and then go from there. There's a lot of things you'd undoubtedly like to change, but do one or two at a time, find success, then add more. Don't try to do all at once.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #9 on: April 24, 2019, 08:09:47 AM »

One of maybe the easiest boundaries for you to start with is to stop answering your wife's texts whilst you are still at work. I take it you are responding?

It is not necessary to 'announce' a boundary, to your wife, just do it.

So you might send one response to her first text of the day saying, "I can't talk right now, catch up later when at home.' Or something like that, and then put your phone on silent and do not even read anymore texts from your wife.

That's a boundary it's for you, about you. No explanation necessary.

You can start each day with the same first response text if you like.
Obviously if there is a real emergency you would act accordingly, but I wonder how many of your wife's texts have ever been an emergency situation.

Just as a matter of interest, what are your wife's incessant texts about?

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formflier
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« Reply #10 on: April 24, 2019, 09:59:11 AM »


Just as a matter of interest, what are your wife's incessant texts about?

I'm curious as well.

FF
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Wrongturn1
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« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2019, 04:20:26 PM »

Cipher:  One thing that occurs to me here is that you are chronically sleep-deprived.  Almost everyone needs 7 to 9 hours of sleep, and if you get less than that on a continuing basis it will absolutely wreck your physical and mental health.  Seriously.  Check out Joe Rogan Podcast #1109 with Matthew Walker for a lot of information on the latest research on sleep. 

Also, I think your boundaries idea is a good one.  I'd suggest figuring out what your ideal life would look like and then implement all the boundaries you need in order to guarantee that life for yourself.  If your wife is not on board, then she is free to leave, which certainly would not be the worst thing in the world (staying in your current situation with no changes would be the worst thing in the world, and you have been doing that for a long time).

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WitzEndWife
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« Reply #12 on: May 13, 2019, 02:30:59 PM »

I will say that the concept of boundary setting is horribly scary in a codependent relationship at first. For a non who is doing the walking on eggshells and conducting most of the work, you've spent SO much time focusing on her, on making her happy and comfortable and avoiding blow ups that you've overwhelmingly neglected your needs. You prioritize her needs over your own. The first step is to recognize your own needs. You might be so far down this road that you have neglected yourself completely and forgotten that you even have needs, or you think because you don't seem to have them that you don't need anything. Everyone has needs.

I started by thinking of all of the things that made me either very happy/calm or very sad/stressed/angry, and made a list. Then, I figured out what I needed out of life to maintain the positives and get rid of the negatives. So, for example, it stressed me out when my uBPDh asked me for money constantly. He wasn't working. I had to end up cutting off the supply. I did so incrementally, but I had to hold boundaries that I was no longer going to pay for X. He tantrumed over that, but eventually, guess what. He started working consistently to pay for his own needs.

It took me a long time to get over the fear of the extinction burst behavior. However, if you think about it, what is the absolute worst thing that can happen? Your partner gets upset with you and starts yelling? You can leave the house until they stop tantruming. They leave you? Not a likely scenario with BPDs usually, but it can happen. Sure, the fallout is sad because losing a relationship is sad, but you also no longer have the stress of dealing with tantrums and caretaking another person. You will be fine in any scenario.

I would encourage you to think all of this through. What would you do if you had more time to yourself to do what you wanted to do, instead of caretaking your partner? Think of that and then think of the boundaries you need to set to make that happen. If you're worried about the fallout, you can start enforcing things incrementally. Like, tell her you're only ironing clothing on x day of the week for x number of minutes. Everything else, she will need to do. Or suggest trading off cooking duties so it's more egalitarian. Recommend a schedule, or even do things together when possible.

Right now, you're working at a breakneck pace and you're going to burn yourself out. Take care of you.

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