More post-breakup reflections, realisations

[clvrnn]

This has been a very strange and intense period in my life. Sadly I am now of the mindset that the connection her and I shared wasn't genuine, and that I was a mere 'target'. I never really, truly, felt as if she liked/loved me for me.

She'd often just talk about how I made her feel, as opposed to what she liked about me. She'd never really compliment me - only at the very end, but that lasted for two days and then came the anger. I don't think that everyone with BPD is abusive, but I do think that she was. I was constantly criticised - tiny things that I did were always noted and commented on. It hurt, a lot of the time.

She is able to end the relationship very suddenly during a rage, and cut me out of her life completely. I have no reason to think that she does or ever did care about me. I think I was merely in her life to provide her with an ego boost, or a distraction from boredom, or some other reason.

The more I think about it - the four month silence last year, for example - the more it just seems that she jumps from person to person. It struck me as odd that she suddenly contacted me after four months and jumped straight into hanging out with me every day and dating me.

The first time she broke up with me, she went and stayed with a guy for NYE and they were intimate. There was only a short period of three weeks that we didn't speak, so I do believe she was in contact with him while her and I were dating, and things must have been taking off between them, so she ended it with me. This seems to be a common pattern on BPD forums. When she got back in touch with me, I found out that her and this man had fallen out. Makes sense then, for her to pick things up with me again.

I had, for so long, just thought that she was a person who struggled with intimacy, who perhaps felt so much for me that she had to cut it off. But I don't, anymore. There are a lot of dark qualities and habits that she would do with me that suggest someone with NPD - which I've been reading a lot about. I can't make a diagnosis, but it seems to be something that's present with her.

I don't know what the point of this post is, I guess I'm reaching a different stage in my healing. I'd always wanted to be friends with her but she causes me too much pain. She isn't consistent; not just with me, but with everyone she knows. Even some old friend of hers said "maybe this time she'll be able to maintain a relationship!". She does it to everyone.

I can't keep hoping she ever cares/cared about me. I don't think she ever did. Yeah, that hurts. It'll hurt to see her at university, but hey. Not a lot I can do.

[Mutt]

Hi clvrnn,

I had, for so long, just thought that she was a person who struggled with intimacy, who perhaps felt so much for me that she had to cut it off. But I don't, anymore.

That's progress

I don't know what the point of this post is, I guess I'm reaching a different stage in my healing. I'd always wanted to be friends with her but she causes me too much pain. She isn't consistent; not just with me, but with everyone she knows.

Do you feel like you have outgrown her or do you feel like you are looking for different qualities in a partner? It could be both too.

Even some old friend of hers said "maybe this time she'll be able to maintain a relationship!". She does it to everyone.

You described a pattern her friends see a pattern the problem with her doesn't fix itself by swapping out and replacing you with different people the problem is that she does not have healthy r/s skills.

I can't keep hoping she ever cares/cared about me. I don't think she ever did. Yeah, that hurts. It'll hurt to see her at university, but hey. Not a lot I can do.

I can't speak for her but that might not be entirely correct, a pwBPD fear being left alone and they try to circumvent that abandonment by abandoning those people that they care about - I can understand the logic but the behaviour is self defeating, you're fulfilling what you fear the most with maladaptive coping mechanisms.

There may be a part of her inside that feels a lot of grief for having damaged a r/s through her actions or abandoning someone that she cares about a lot because abandonment is like kryptonite for her she has to avoid it - she can't be around it.

You can't know with absolute certainty but what you can do is let go of hope that she's going to return back to a permanent state of idealization - idealization is not a healthy characteristic for a r/s.

[clvrnn]

Do you feel like you have outgrown her or do you feel like you are looking for different qualities in a partner? It could be both too.


You described a pattern her friends see a pattern the problem with her doesn't fix itself by swapping out and replacing you with different people the problem is that she does not have healthy r/s skills.

I don't feel as if I've outgrown her. But I do feel that her r/s skills and patterns really impact me, to the point that I haven't even seen her for two months and I'm still affected by everything that's gone on. Being friends with her or being her partner; neither of these result in different treatment. I thought that by being romantically close with her would prevent her from disappearing, from push/pull, from hurting me. I think being friends with less obligations would be worse; she'd be able to ignore me, cancel on plans, etc and with no remorse. As she used to before we dated.

I can't speak for her but that might not be entirely correct, a pwBPD fear being left alone and they try to circumvent that abandonment by abandoning those people that they care about - I can understand the logic but the behaviour is self defeating, you're fulfilling what you fear the most with maladaptive coping mechanisms.

There may be a part of her inside that feels a lot of grief for having damaged a r/s through her actions or abandoning someone that she cares about a lot because abandonment is like kryptonite for her she has to avoid it - she can't be around it.

You can't know with absolute certainty but what you can do is let go of hope that she's going to return back to a permanent state of idealization - idealization is not a healthy characteristic for a r/s.

Sometimes I think that she probably did love/care about me. I remember that last week, she was being so caring. She was messaging me telling me she hoped I'd had a good time at the gym, and messaging me telling me she'd had a nice time with me even though we didn't do anything.

I remember thinking wow, this is new. This is nice. Wow. It was so nice. I don't think I'd ever seen that side to her. She'd always tried to keep this side of her hidden - maybe she was keeping a guard up? Seemed as if she'd let it down. Then two days later, break up. I guess she just felt too vulnerable.

I would say that the last time I saw her she didn't seem angry or annoyed with me. She was looking at me across the class whenever I spoke up, and at one point laughed at a joke I was telling to some guy - I know that if she hated me or whatever, she wouldn't have done any of that. I think she must have just been feeling overwhelming guilt, or sadness, or yes, grief or regret that she had messed things up between us. It seems that way, if I'm honest. One thing I got used to was 'reading' her moods when she wasn't speaking to me at uni. She seemed 'soft', not angry.

I remember on the phone when we were arguing, in our last phone call - she sort of said under her breath "but I've just found someone I get on with"... she sounded really sad saying this, as if she knew things had become bad and she had caused it. She always seemed to want me around but not have feelings in the way, or something. Guess it was all too much for her.

I am trying to keep my mindset that she isn't going to circle back around, and trying to live my life as if she won't. It's possible that she won't and no, it can't be the way to live, going back into that cycle. It hurts too much. If anything, the only reason I'd want her to talk to me again is so that I could talk to her about this - but I genuinely don't think I could trust getting involved again. I wouldn't be able to handle being hyper vigilant about the devalue and another break up. That's so sad but hey. That's the way it has to be I suppose.

(Sorry for the long reply!)