After 15 years DD facing her eating disorder

[wendydarling]

Hi 

I've been hesitant to share this because you never quite know where these things end up landing and if there is a U-turn, downturn, step back before another step forward...

My 30DD has had an eating disorder since 15yrs old. 50% of her life.

Since diagnosed BPD-comorbid at 26 she's spent the last 4 years sloowly recovering, fighting to be well. 2 of these years were mainly spent in bed/room, some s/h trips to hospital and  two separate months in a Women's Crisis Home. DD's recovery progress has been a step process. As an observer I've been able to see her accomplishments along the way, starting alcohol dependency, depression, self harm, anxiety, psychosis... and now arrive at eating disorder.

This time last year I noticed DD gradually putting weight on. She's kept it on and appears comfortable in herself and looks absolutely fabulous. A couple of weeks ago she came downstairs and announced she was taking all her skinny jeans/clothes to the charity shop which I dearly hope is an indicator of where she is mentally at this time.   DD's not had any specifically focused ED therapy, just DBT refresh skills group and 4 discharge therapy catch ups over the last year. I'm celebrating though I also feel cautious, perhaps in another year I'll feel more confident.

What next?  DD's kept a mood diary this year. She shared there is a trend of weeks of depression and then weeks of anxiety (she's on meds for both). I think there are many things at play here, last year she was questioning if she's bi-polar. So she continues to search for answers.  As DD is no longer entitled to see a psychiatrist through the NHS  I tracked her former NHS psychiatrist to their private practice. DD's to make that call. And therapy, DD's all the information, DD's to make that call and decide what route to take next.

She is fragile, I see that, I guess she may always be. She is also determined. It's the mood changes I think DD's struggling with most right now, so here's to her finding a way.

For now the short term plan is DD return to therapy and take it from there. Longer term plan to live independently.

  small gentle steps 
WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Thank you so much for sharing, wendydarling. Your journey, and that of your daughter, always brings me hope. You both are an inspiration to me.

~ OH

[livednlearned]

What a big step to confront her ED and use the insights from her mood diary to see patterns  

It takes a lot of courage and even though she may relapse and take some steps backwards, feeling well for a short while can only help build stronger foundation for when she is ready to be well again, I have to imagine.

My T says of a BPD client she once had that many traits went into remission and that periodically resurface in times of stress. And that having language and a history of recovering helped to get back on the path more quickly when circumstances smoothed out.

It made me realize it is not so different than someone who is non-BPD. Two steps forward, one step back, hopefully overall in the right direction, getting there slowly.

[wendydarling]

OH thank you for your kind words they mean so much to me. I'm glad our story brings you HOPE. You are on the road OH, keep going and remember you're both doing your very best.

Thx LnL to be honest I'm astounded with the change and from my perspective how seemingly natural it appeared. Of course that may not be the case for DD, though I normally read DD well so I'm spouting my gut feeling. I feel my DD's accepting and embracing self and the woman she is. 

My T says of a BPD client she once had that many traits went into remission and that periodically resurface in times of stress. And that having language and a history of recovering helped to get back on the path more quickly when circumstances smoothed out

Yes, I recognise this in DD and stress is a definite factor and can indicate where DD needs to learn what happened and why and focus her skills.

From DD's tweets I think she's using, promoting a mood app that works it all out for you. Monitoring her mood in a journal was one of the things DD struggled with in DBT.

It made me realize it is not so different than someone who is non-BPD. Two steps forward, one step back, hopefully overall in the right direction, getting there slowly

So  true! We'll all get there...

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

gosh, a big progress step!

I’m glad she’s found that her mood diary is so useful. My son can see his patterning but when he’s anxious he’ll lose perspective. He’ll be unable to be objective - “I’ve been feeling this way for weeks” “I can’t sleep - ever!”  I wish he’d have the discipline to record like your daughter because the facts are there, can be trusted and reflected on. So wise.

We’ve been on this journey together WD. We’ve come a long way. There’s the ups and downs and we are more resilient. Our adult children are too - they feed on our quiet confidence in them that they can find a better way to live.

Hugs

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

WD I know there is caution in your optimism. Let us celebrate nonetheless. This is huge progress.

[wendydarling]

Hey LP

Thx. It does feel like a big progress step. I remember sharing how deeply concerned I was about her weight, look at her now! This time last year I was thinking time to try some work DD, see how you do. DD had mentioned about starting with 2 days. I'm really glad I held off continuing the conversation as everyday spent at home DD is 'working' and making progress. She's her whole life ahead of her, there is no rush, she knows when she's ready. I know it's on her mind as she recently shared she is aware she needs to contribute to the house bills, like before her world came crashing in. Meanwhile she's proactive, the house is sparkly clean, she's shopping, cooking and doing DIY jobs to earn her keep.

My son can see his patterning but when he’s anxious he’ll lose perspective. He’ll be unable to be objective - “I’ve been feeling this way for weeks” “I can’t sleep - ever!” 

This is a challenge and not being able to see an end to it fuels anxiety. I'd be tempted to casually slip into the conversation you've heard/read people find a mood app a helpful tool, even if he does not take it forwards it shows you are listening and care ... DD has a reminder on her phone/app to prompt her.

Oh my LP we have been on a journey together ~ here's to the next leg 

So very true Faith now is exactly the time to CELEBRATE her magnificent achievement    

WDx

[Rockieplace]

Oh Wendy,  I have been so remiss.  It is so good to hear your compassionate words about your daughter.  And you too Lolliepop.  You both put me to shame.  My BPDD has been in 'crisis' for nearly 5 years now and is still in hospital and is still under section.  In some ways we have been very fortunate in that the NHS has funded all of her (very extensive care) and when I hear of parents in the US and elsewhere I realize how extremely lucky we are in that respect. 

I have been reading but not posting for a long time now.  I have tried to distance myself while my dd is in a 'safe' place so that my husband and I can regroup and take care of ourselves.  I feel blessed indeed to be able to do that.  Meanwhile, we have been looking after our DD's dog, yet another blessing as we are both very fond of him now and slightly concerned about handing him back to our dd at some point although know we may have to do that.

Latest news, although, like you Wendydarling, I am nervous about even saying anything as we have been there before, my BPDD seems to have turned a corner.  This is thanks to a new doctor, new medication and maybe the realization in my daughter's mind that she is wasting her precious life in the process.  She is hugely overweight, thanks to doing nothing and the effects of the anti-psychotic medication.  She is also quite institutionalized as she has not been required to do anything much for over 3 years now.  However, with the above changes she seems to have found the motivation to a) lose weight.  She has lost nearly 3 stones in 2 months and b) decided the she is ready now to move on to the next stage albeit in around 6 months time - which will be some sort of sheltered accommodation.  Fingers and everything else crossed that this is her time.

Unlike you WendyDarling, I am unable to contemplate her coming to live with us.  It would be the death of both me and my husband.  We have had her home ever since her crisis, every other weekend, when we are here and it has always been OK but my DD does accept that it wouldn't work as a permanent arrangement, thank goodness.

Meanwhile, she has started to take a certain amount of responsibility for stuff, although she still has a long way to go.  For example, when I told her I has just taken her dog to the vet for his injections she immediately offered to pay half and transferred the money straight to my Paypal account.  Hooray!  Then, last weekend, she told me that she had been allowed out alone for the first time in ages and she had promptly gone to a beauty parlour and got fillers for her lips!  So came to us looking like 'duck face' with huge pouty lips.  AGHHHHH!  Oh well.

As you say, two steps forward, one (and a half) back!

Ever onward.  Big hugs to all on here.   

[Lollypop]

Hello rockieplace. You warm my heart old friend. We are still here regardless. Progress is not linear, it’s baby steps.They challenge us constantly.

[wendydarling]

Hi Rockieplace  

It is lovely to hear from you RP and to hear your DD has turned a corner after all this time is truly, truly wonderful news. Thumbs up to your courageous girl     It must be such a relief for you to see her making changes, that is astounding weigh loss. It is time for us to celebrate with you RP things coming into place, your DD's motivation and determination to make changes  

I can understand your hesitancy, nervous to say the least, 5 years in crisis, section, hospitalised, false starts, waiting patiently. We are realistic there may be ups and downs, that's what recovery has looked like for my DD and as LnL says in another thread they bounce back faster as time goes on as my DD has.

I'm really pleased the NHS was there, kept your DD safe and your DD has sheltered accommodation she's working towards is fantastic news. DD also had excellent care with the NHS and also a charity Body and Soul where she did DBT skills refresh. Bless them they text her every week to find out if she's made steps seeking future support. The issue I have learnt though is you have to be in crisis for care, there is no continued care and support just the GP who now oversees any changes to DD's meds which is ridiculous, no offense meant to GP's, my BIL is a GP, they are not qualified in complex mental health cases and he agrees. It makes good sense not to live with you with independent living being the ultimate goal and also dealing with the challenges of being in an institutionalised setting I'd guess needs careful skilled support. We've not talked about independent living much as the next step is working. As time goes by and she becomes more resilient I gain confidence she'll get there by learning the necessary skills and deciding what kind of living situation suits her emotional needs. Lollypop describes it well they feed on our quiet confidence in them .

That's some self care, 'duck lips' made me smile, each to their own as the saying goes   What kind of treatment is your DD currently engaged?

Ever onward indeed.

Big hugs to you RP, here's to your DD getting out of the starting gate and learning how to help herself each step of the way...

WDx