I feel Hopeless :(

[Parents! Get help here!]

It has been six months since my clinically depressed BPD son age 21 had his emotional breakdown. Since then he has not left the house except for doctor appointments or therapy. I've mentioned it before in another post but he also had a seizure from the wellbutrin and almost died. I am traumatized from that experience as I found him on the floor, blue and not breathing and had to perform CPR. They have changed his meds to zoloft and he just completed 5 weeks on 100mgs. He says he doesn't feel better, but doesn't feel worse. He stays in his room 100% of the time and only comes out to eat or when we all go to bed he will go downstairs and watch tv.  He makes music on his laptop and sometimes plays xbox but that is his only social interaction. This was a straight A student, captain of the basketball team who will now not leave the house, doesn't shower for a week at a time, holed up in his room. I am heartbroken. I have a terrible feeling he is not going to get any better. He posts on his twitter regularly that he wants to die. Then the next day he will post something about he has a good feeling for his musical future. He is all over the place. I just don't know what to do to help him anymore. I don't have any support and I've not been feeling well. I need a surgery but have been forced to put it off because of the nightmare he has put us all through the last 6 months. He is unreasonable so you cannot talk to him. He has an anger problem so I am afraid to even ask how he is doing. I feel like a prisoner in my own house. He is so lazy and doesn't want to work. I have 2 other children who are suffering because of him. My husband isn't much help. I just feel so alone and hopeless. I cry every day. The stress he is causing me is making me feel so angry. I don't even want to be around him. I feel bad saying that but it is true. Thank you for listening.

[Outathinair]

It has been six months since my clinically depressed BPD son age 21 had his emotional breakdown. Since then he has not left the house except for doctor appointments or therapy. I've mentioned it before in another post but he also had a seizure from the wellbutrin and almost died. I am traumatized from that experience as I found him on the floor, blue and not breathing and had to perform CPR. They have changed his meds to zoloft and he just completed 5 weeks on 100mgs. He says he doesn't feel better, but doesn't feel worse. He stays in his room 100% of the time and only comes out to eat or when we all go to bed he will go downstairs and watch tv.  He makes music on his laptop and sometimes plays xbox but that is his only social interaction. This was a straight A student, captain of the basketball team who will now not leave the house, doesn't shower for a week at a time, holed up in his room. I am heartbroken. I have a terrible feeling he is not going to get any better. He posts on his twitter regularly that he wants to die. Then the next day he will post something about he has a good feeling for his musical future. He is all over the place. I just don't know what to do to help him anymore. I don't have any support and I've not been feeling well. I need a surgery but have been forced to put it off because of the nightmare he has put us all through the last 6 months. He is unreasonable so you cannot talk to him. He has an anger problem so I am afraid to even ask how he is doing. I feel like a prisoner in my own house. He is so lazy and doesn't want to work. I have 2 other children who are suffering because of him. My husband isn't much help. I just feel so alone and hopeless. I cry every day. The stress he is causing me is making me feel so angry. I don't even want to be around him. I feel bad saying that but it is true. Thank you for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[rolney]

Oh that is so awful for you. It is so distressing when our children are going through bad stuff and we are unable to help them.  The problems seem insurmountable at times and never leave our thoughts. Please try give yourself a break from this, have your surgery, it will help your health and also give you a break from being in the house. You will need your physical and mental strength to find a way to live with this in your life. I think that is what we are all working toward now, a way to live with this in our lives, as it seems futile to try and fix. As parents we are driven to solve our childrens problems and it's so distressing when we are unable to. I have another child also who certainly suffered because of his sisters behaviours at home. In fact, he left home because of her ( He didn't tell me that until a couple of weeks ago and he's 13 years out of home now). Please try and focus your attention on your "good kids" as they often get left behind when we are dealing with the problem child and they are our reminder we did a good job. I hope things improve for you soon.

[Lollypop]

Hi outathinair

Here’s a massive hug. Gosh, you’ve got it all going on there and I’m just so very sorry to hear it.

We took our son back at 24. He sat in his room, head down, couldn’t speak, very depressed. I know some of how you’re feeling.

What can you do? There seems to be so much wrong and it’s so overwhelming isn’t it.

Become the parent he needs, not the one you thought you are. He’s stuck. He can’t change his behaviours.

You can take control back. Take no action with your son right now, get active here and build up your knowledge and skills. You can explore a way forward for yourself and decide on what you want to do and how with your son. It is possible - I’m proof.

You’ve had 6 months of this. If something isn’t working then a change in approach is needed. There’s no quick fixes but there is hope. If you do nothing, you know that everybody is going to get deeply resentful of him if they aren’t already.

My son is now living in a half way situation and functioning, he works full time and we have a healthier relationship so he listens to me now. We are happier, despite the problems.

I can’t help with the treatment or meds because my son refused treatment. As he also refused to take responsibility for his life. I gently placed that responsibility in his lap. He had to learn how to problem solve and make decisions for himself, importantly with me walking beside him. Like a toddler.

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello OutofThinAir
I am glad to meet you although sorry for the circumstances. I know it is devastating. My son 24 has BPD and is addicted to cannabis. You have come to the right place for accurate information, help, and support. There is hope. Things can get better. Just to clarify, you say your son is clinically depressed. Has he also been diagnosed with BPD? It is good he is willing to go for therapy. Real good. How about your own self care? Are you seeing a therapist too?

[mamabolivia]

You can take control back. Take no action with your son right now, get active here and build up your knowledge and skills. You can explore a way forward for yourself and decide on what you want to do and how with your son.

The best advice I've heard yet!

[wendydarling]

I echo momaboliva, LP is right Outathinair.

You can take control back. Take no action with your son right now, get active here and build up your knowledge and skills. You can explore a way forward for yourself and decide on what you want to do and how with your son.

Your situation sounds very similar to what mine was. It took time. I made no demands, none. He's on meds and in therapy that's what my DD needed and to know that we were there for her and she was not a problem.

Things can get better.

Hugs
WDx

[Outathinair]

You can take control back. Take no action with your son right now, get active here and build up your knowledge and skills. You can explore a way forward for yourself and decide on what you want to do and how with your son. It is possible - I’m proof.

Thank you LP I am will try and do that. I find myself getting very overwhelmed with all the info here so I have to do it in small bursts. I so appreciate your advise and hearing your son is doing better gives me hope.

[Outathinair]

I am glad to meet you although sorry for the circumstances. I know it is devastating. My son 24 has BPD and is addicted to cannabis. You have come to the right place for accurate information, help, and support. There is hope. Things can get better. Just to clarify, you say your son is clinically depressed. Has he also been diagnosed with BPD? It is good he is willing to go for therapy. Real good. How about your own self care? Are you seeing a therapist too?

Faith- yes his therapists says he has BPD traits. He is clinically depressed as I said and was suicidal. He also has social anxiety. We also suspect he has ADHD but his psychiatrist wants to get his depression under control before they test for that. I am seeing a therapist. She is very nice but I don't feel like it is making me feel any better. Is that abnormal? I just talk and she listens and doesn't really say anything. I've never been in therapy so I'm not sure what to expect.

[Outathinair]

Thank you everyone else for your kind words and advise. You have no idea how much it means to me.

[Lollypop]

Hi outathinair

find myself getting very overwhelmed with all the info here

Boy oh boy, there’s so much to take in and we’ve got all those others things to do as well - like eat and sleep and work!

It’s not a race but I totally understand that feeling of wanting to try to make things better quickly. Or just hiding under the bed covers - I’ve done that too.

First things first, understand that your son cannot help the way he behaves because he has BPD or traits. I only discovered the truth of this by reading. Then I started to listen...observe...the most important communication skills.

My son cannot regulate his emotions. He needs stability to help him return to some kind of balance. It sounds like things have been traumatic for you all and very scary.

Learning about BPD and finding out that there’s a lot you can do to improve your situation will help you keep calm and ease your heartbreak.

Your son has the problems but the resolution to this situation starts with you. He needs you to be calm, warm and not in pieces. I was either too soft or too hard and had to learn to stay in middle ground. Does this make sense?

It’s great that you’ve got somebody to talk to. I found it useful to vent but to be honest, for me - I didn’t start to feel better until I started to see some tiny signs of progress in my situation. I created a different environment in my home - this was my second step.

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

.[quote author=Outathinair link=topic=336186.msg13050134#msg13050134 date=15566. I am seeing a therapist. She is very nice but I don't feel like it is making me feel any better. Is that abnormal? I just talk and she listens and doesn't really say anything. I've never been in therapy so I'm not sure what to expect.
[/quote]

Therapists differ in their approach. Some talk more than others. Some are also a better "fit" than others for particular people. It is normal for change to take time
 But if you feel.like you arent making the progress you want to make you can always try a different therapist. It is not unusual to "interview" a few before deciding whom to work with. Let us know how it works out. Self care is so important.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders