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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Divorcing my BPD partner  (Read 386 times)
TiSh519
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: May 01, 2019, 03:06:06 PM »

I am currently in the process of divorcing my husband who has BPD.  We have two young children together. We separated two months ago and he was calm for a while but recently has been completely abusive. He has been constantly telling me he hates me, I am the cause of all of the problems, this is all my fault because he was always like this and I am the one who changed, and threatening to leave the kids lives.  He also constantly makes jabs at my struggles with weight loss and self care.  I know I will get through this and eventually things will get calmer (I'm sure that will take a while) but right now I could really just use some support.  Thanks
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worriedStepmom
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
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« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2019, 03:43:40 PM »

Welcome.  It's hard to make the decision to prioritize yourself and your kids, but you did it!

Are you and your STBXH still living together?  Do you have an agreement between you on how to share parenting?

It may very well be true that your H is the same man today that he was when you met him, and that you have changed.  If that is true, CONGRATULATIONS.  That means that you have learned or are learning a healthier way to interact with people and that you are ready to set boundaries and insist that you deserve respect also.  Marriage is not a jail sentence, and you are not required to stay in a situation that is emotionally unhealthy.

My H's ex-wife meets the BPD criteria.  They've been divorced for 9 years.  She periodically threatens to walk away from her daughter (now 11) forever.  It fits her view of herself as a martyr, that it would be best for her daughter to be without mom if we think mom is so awful...or that H and I are evil people trying to brainwash her daughter so it would be better for her to walk away. 

So it's not uncommon to hear that kind of stuff.  I roll my eyes a lot every time she starts that nonsense.  She wants someone to assure her that she's an awesome mother and that SD11 needs her and can't live with her.  We don't do that anymore, so she usually stops saying it pretty quickly.

Divorce is hard, even when your spouse isn't disordered.  It can be much harder when they are.    Do you have a therapist to help you grieve the loss of your marriage and your dream of an intact family for your kids?  What are you doing for self care?
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TiSh519
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« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2019, 04:09:39 PM »

Thanks for  your helpful post.  No, thankfully my STBXH and I are no longer living together.  Your scenario really hits home for me.  My ex has been constantly threatening to leave the kids because he says I believe he is a terrible father and they would be better off without him.  I have mixed feelings on how to reply to that, since part of me thinks it might actually be true.  They might be better off without him. 

Right now my kids are only 5 and 1, so they don't really understand most of his threats, but eventually they will, and that really scares me.  How does your 11 SD deal with her mom being BPD?  Does she have an understanding of her mom's limitations?

And yes, I am working on self care.  I have a therapist (and I actually am a therapist!) I have been talking to her and to my friends.  Again, I know I will get through it and be much better off, but this part of dividing up our entire lives while being blamed for everything is just so evil. 

Thanks for listening. I greatly appreciate it.
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livednlearned
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2019, 05:14:55 PM »

Someone here once suggested changing the pronouns when you're the target of verbal abuse, taking the projection to the next level so you can protect yourself when it feels overwhelming.

"I hate you"

is

"I hate myself"

"You're a terrible person"

is

"I'm a terrible person"

I don't think my ex could conceive of an emotional existence outside his own so it actually made a lot of sense that what he was saying to me he was actually saying to himself.

My son is better off without his dad. The stress levels we lived with were off the charts and it jacked up my son's nervous system to the point he developed some motor tics when he was younger.

None of this is easy. I'm glad you reached out for support 
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Breathe.
MeandThee29
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2019, 07:31:54 PM »

FWIW, it's hard at any age. Some studies actually say the little ones do better because they're more adaptable and accepting over time.

Mine are older (no custody issues). I see deep scars. Both are doing well in some areas, and not in others.I worry about them.
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worriedStepmom
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« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2019, 08:20:53 AM »

My kids were 5 and 1 when my (non-BPD) ex and I divorced.  My 5-year-old had so much anger that I got her into play therapy pretty quickly.  The younger one is 9 now, and has an anxiety disorder that may be related to some of that trauma.  It's good that you are a therapist yourself - you will be able to see the signs for when they need intervention.  And it's great that you are seeing someone - it really will help you get through all of this.

H and his uBPDex shared custody for years, but he went back to court last year and got primary custody of SD.  She was starting to show major signs of stress (including tics, like lnl's son, and allergy-like symptons, which are also signs of stress).  She now spends about 70% of her time with us and 30% with her mom, and her stress levels are way down.  We put her in therapy as soon as custody switched, and that has really helped her, too.   

SD's mom is open that she has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, so although we - and SD's therapist - think she meets the criteria for BPD, we just blame everything on her diagnosed conditions.  We have had several candid talks with SD about mental health, and that her mom's brain works differently from ours and interprets things differently than many other people do.  SD has a lot of empathy for mom and has learned to temper her expectations...but she's a little kid and she still feels hurt when mom says stuff.  She's making great strides in setting boundaries...and she has her dad and me to show her what unconditional love looks like.

Your kids have you to model a healthy home and healthy parenting.

As you work towards a custody agreement, think about what you've seen with your STBXH's interactions with the kids, and decide what kind of schedule makes sense...and know that at some point you will probably end up back in court for a modification, because as they get older their needs and tolerances will change.  The standard for my state is that the nonprimary parent gets 30 consecutive days in the summer.  We split that into three 7-day periods...because 7 days is about SD's limit.
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ForeverDad
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2019, 09:31:34 AM »

No, thankfully my STBXH and I are no longer living together.

I'll add a couple practical thoughts.  If not already in effect, try to have your residence declared "in your possession".  With his claims and entitled conflict, perhaps confrontations too, having that recognized will reduce the risk of him coming over and coming in anytime he feels like it.

You oldest may already be in school or soon will be in a few months.  From the start, have yourself assigned or declared as Primary Parent, including for school registrations and contact.  You'll save yourself a lot of grief by getting that cleared up at the earliest opportunity.

In my case, I was assigned the non-Primary Parent role in my 2 years of temp orders.  So when our preschooler started kindergarten, she registered him in her nearby school district.  We settled for Shard Parenting and equal time when I arrived at court on Trial Day but my single condition (firm boundary) to settle was that I be the Residential Parent for School Purposes.  She begged otherwise but she knew a trial would not go well for her, considering her misadventures during the divorce process and a Custody Evaluation not in her favor.  Both lawyers insisted there was no benefit being in charge of school.  Were they so wrong!  Less than 3 months remained of his school year and the school agreed he could remain until then.  In late April they notified me I had one day to register him in my own school district, she had acted up one too many times.  Object lesson:  They would never have kicked him out (actually, mother) if she had continued as primary parent at school.  They would have been stuck with her.

My ex has been constantly threatening to leave the kids (5 and 1) because he says I believe he is a terrible father and they would be better off without him.  I have mixed feelings on how to reply to that, since part of me thinks it might actually be true.  They might be better off without him.

Unless your stbExH is found to be a real risk to the children — substantive child abuse, neglect or endangerment — he is unlikely to lose his status as Parent.  Courts really try to avoid taking such drastic action.  While you might get temp custody at first until a final decree, the typical outcome is joint custody.  However, if enough serious issues are documented you could be granted sole or full custody.

Beware of the feeling you have to appear overly-fair or overly-nice.  (Observation:  The parent behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the parent behaving well seldom gets credit.)  Remind yourself that your children's best interests (and yours too!) come first.  In cases like ours — where our good efforts aren't reciprocated — we can't afford the luxury being overly-fair, overly-nice or overly generous.  Just do what you have to do.

Do you have any witnesses or recordings documenting him stating the kids are better off without him or him abandoning them?  Courts aren't impressed by vague claims "he always..." or "she always..." and often discount it as hearsay.  So if you haven't started a log, diary or journal yet, then do so now to record the details of incidents.  The details (dates, locations, witnesses, etc) make it much more credible.
« Last Edit: May 03, 2019, 09:36:44 AM by ForeverDad » Logged

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