Is a big move a symptom of BPD?

[Tsunami Sailor]

My wife is an informally, and professionally suggested, but not diagnosed BPD.  She has lost a baby and her father many years before we met, and was divorced a year or so before we met. She has always had a short temper, and showed some of the classic BPD checklist traits, but they have become more frequent and intense in the last couple of years since she has begun perimenopause and been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. As in just about every day.  Like others here, I find I am often carrying most of the weight as a parent, making breakfast, dinners, attending practices and games, doing major cleaning.  Like others, she complains that it's not fair to her that she's doing laundry and cleaning up after our 7 and 8 year old, plus me, although I am working hard to compensate for her virtual absence. On weekends, she sleeps until as late as the afternoon some days.  When I successfully wake her up 3 hours before kids' games, she still somehow often drags her feet, or gets consumed in attention and affection for her dog, and then ends up complaining that it's not fair that she is so rushed.

Again, I'm sure I'm saying things you've read hear a billion times.  One thing I haven't read as much - she often insists on one thing, usually a significant purchase, that will change her life for the better.  The key to her turning around her funk, her depression, her moodiness is this next big purchase.  Lately her kick is an insistence on moving to her home state 1000 miles away to her home town.  She spends countless hours browsing Realtor.com and Zillow for nice looking houses we could move into, despite the roots we have here - my parents who actively spend time and watch our kids, my job, her job, kids school and friends, etc... In fact, she's threatened to quit her job here if we don't move. Now, she claims this move demand is because warmer weather would cure her fibromyalgia, which may be true.  But to me, it seems like another attempt at a big change with the expectation her depression will go away. Is a big move a common symptom of BPD, or just her particular flavor of it?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Tsunami sailor

I have read a few other posts here and there where members' BPD partners were focused on a move, sometimes obsessively, as the one thing they need to make them happy.

I think it's more or less a common trait for pwBPD to focus on an external source that holds the promise of changing how they feel. Changing a job, moving, going to a different church, remodeling a house a certain way... these are all examples I have seen on the boards of things pwBPD have focused on as a solution to their unhappiness.

For my stbx uBPDh, it was winning the lottery . He was absolutely obsessed with it. Still is, according to his mother.

[once removed]

it does sound like shes depressed. depression can render a person emotionally unavailable, and it can simply wreak havoc on areas of major functioning and structure.

is she in any sort of treatment for it?

[sterlingblue]

Tsunami: I strongly relate to what you wrote.  I have a uBPDw as well, and Zillow has been terrible for our relationship. 

This is tough for you, as it seems like your wife has decided that the only thing that can make her happy is a big move that you think will be disruptive and not best for your children.  If you don't move, she may continue to idealize her home state (easy to do when she doesn't live there) and blame you every time something goes wrong in your current state.

I was going to start another thread tonight, but since it's related I'll just ask the question here. We are also thinking of relocating to another state. Does anyone have any tips on how to effectively make an important decision like this with a BPD spouse?

I'm getting better at validating her feelings on the small stuff, but I struggle with letting her emotions rule regarding big decisions.  On the other hand, I do not want to use her BPD as an excuse to take all of the control regarding these decisions that affect our entire family -- that is not fair either and has led to resentment from her in the past.

[Tsunami Sailor]

Sterling, I'm pretty much in the same place.  I am working hard to ensure I validate smaller things, but then when she insists on an impulsive, disruptive, and potentially (likely) wrong change as the only thing that can make her happy, I'm stuck.  She won't listen to objective, rational conversation. Instead, she falls back to insisting only she can know what will make her happy, and if I truly loved her I would do it.  Without any BPD insight, I would take her for her word, and decide we are not right for each other as partners.  With some BPD insight, I have to somehow filter everything she says and weigh the emotional impact of my response, brace for attack, take a deep breath, and confidently move forward as though this is normal, and not let her see any sign of exhaustion or frustration on my face... or else I'll hear about it.  I'm trying to adjust to this.  It's extremely hard for me, but comforting to know I'm not alone.

And we have gone to counseling together - initially as couples counselling, but she and the counselor quickly focused on her emotional state and issues.  4 weeks ago, the counselor prescribed that my wife go to a center that specializes in cases like hers for a 4-6 week session.  Although she said she is excited about doing it, she has hemmed and hawed and excused herself out of committing so far, instead proposing to do it after her part time, and temp school job lets out in June, citing her commitments to work.  I asked, "what about your commitment to your family?" to no avail.