Cheating, betrayal, infidelity...

[Sandb2015]

I’m wondering...

My “everything” was chatting to and meeting guys soon before and after I was kicked out. She was with someone when she recycled me and I’m still shocked, still.

Now I know she’s with someone else. We may speak again, maybe not. I don’t know and I feel like I don’t care.

This never happened to me before and I’m disgusted.

A question, I read many stories here of people that have almost accepted that behavior, that can put it aside for a bigger picture. Is that forgiveness or acceptance?

I would like to have that frame of mind, I’d like to have that focus. I find it nearly impossible.

If anyone could share, I think this is a good topic and it happens to many of us and it’s not specifically mentioned.

Thank you.

[formflier]

You are right.  There are people here that have open or "poly" relationships.  I also remember guys that "sometimes" were poly and sometimes not.

Guys that seemed to want "agreement by all" on being poly had the most problems (IMO) because a pwBPD usually has a hard time with "no"...or "wait".

The relationships that seemed to have the most "pain" is where both parties state or assume there is monogamy, yet the pwBPD doesn't adhere to that.  Especially painful seem to be  situations where it is expected for one person to be poly "because" of the disorder and the other person (the non) is expected to be faithful and accepting of the "pwBPD" sleeping around.

Best,

FF

[Sandb2015]

formflier,

The term "poly" means across gender I believe.

I was specifically speaking of monogamy.

When it is taken for granted and a couple regardless of gender has a rs that is part and parcel of a "traditional" monogamous rs and the pwBPD eventually acts out of can no longer hide their behavior.

An example, a couple that resides together or not who both behave with exclusivity for many months or years and the pwBPD starts "acting out", disappearing, sleeping with others, flirting online, etc.

After it happens, it seems as though it's impossible to get the pwBPD to reel back that behavior and the non seems to accept it in order to save the rs.

My question, Is the non that has accepted their other abusive behavior eventually accept the pwBPD's sexual exploits?

The behavior or signs of pwBPD seem to manifest themselves and aren't so clear, many say, he/she doesn't drink much, gamble, not very irresponsible with money and not sexually deviant.

These things are not so clear or we are in denial.  They will come up, one of them and we are quick to deny the most difficult one to accept.

If you're dating someone for a year and you see each other almost daily and you are a couple or you're living together, it may be stupid and trusting, but most presume that it is monogamous.

This is the worst, most destructive "illness", "disorder" I could imagine when I think about it.

A sociopath, psychopath will eventually find themselves in trouble or cause so much trouble their lives are broken because of crime or self abuse.  The borderline really floats through life causing trauma to folk.

Well, I was emotionally set up for this happening (because of my weaknesses and strengths), but it wasn't my fault whatsoever and have zero guilt associated with it.  I have removed myself from the equation of blame.

What happened to me I'm understanding would have happened anyway regardless of my T or the tools we learn to adjust to loving a borderline.

I just see the truth about BPD and possibly NPD and I'm disgusted with myself, so much less than her.  I'm just disgusted that people exist to cause nothing but pain and trauma within others and there is no redemption for them other than to remove them and their memories from our psyche.

I'm trying not to lend negativity here and influence others, I respect us the nons and I want to hug them all, not trying to sway any personal feelings of others and I'm sorry if I sound that way.

I slept well last night, I woke up and felt I slept so deeply, I felt great until about ten minutes and a "panic attack" that lasted an hour/hour and a half during my commute.  I know feel absolutely physically wasted.  This will be reoccurring from time to time.

I need help and sadly, I can't afford it.  I can't concentrate on priorities right now which are of the most important in order to get back on my feet...a catch 22 in it's essence.

I'm disgusted, sorry.

I think the details of our loved ones acting out in unacceptable sexual behavior that somehow become part of the rs needs to be discussed in detail, I think the most shame hides there for us and that may be the last thing we can discuss openly.

[toomanydogs]

formflier,

The term "poly" means across gender I believe.

Sandb,
 in this case 'poly' refers to having multiple partners and is short for polyamorous.

TMD

[Sandb2015]

Thanks for the correction.

I’m believing after a few conversations with her sister that she thinks she can sell herself for the purpose of being taken care of financially.

In the real world this occurs, I don’t think she has anything to offer though other than the BPD cycles.

[formflier]

Correct...poly as I used it means several people in a romantic/sexual relationship where people are open about it and on the same page.

I've had no personal experience with this...(although my wife believes I have...in fact she believes I was a polygamist for a while..when paranoia was really bad)...but me memory of stories I've heard/read is that sometimes the pwBPD would want to be poly but want their partner not to be poly.

There are also stories of pwBPD that pushed partners to be poly that didn't want to, the non went along with it, and then the non had a hard time dealing with going against their values.

Lots of minefields here...

FF

[Sandb2015]

I’ve been around long enough to understand the honesty to wanting to have multiple sex partners, that’s not a disorder.

Few pwBPD have an honest self reflection of what they want let alone feel the need to share it, to actually be vulnerable.

This may be harsh, I believe they don’t have either the control or exhibit that want while in the midst of it or after they did it.

I’m not talking about a one time screw up  that may or may not be forgiven. I’m talking about a frame of mind.

Mine made it so clear she won’t tolerate cheating, alcoholics.

She also said probably wouldn’t have been interested in me if I didn’t have a child in my life, the child she helped me lose custody of..

I think they do believe what they say and actually want it until they don’t like a psycho switch.

Sorry for the strong opinion... I don’t mean to offend.

In theory, red, yellow, green and any other color flag may give a glimpse...it seems they have the keen ability to go in the opposite direction without further thoughts.

In my last conversation with my ex, she was guilty, ashamed and speaking to herself. She referred to herself as a slut, as if speaking in second person. If I’m correct about BPD, further shame causes further illness.

[Sandb2015]

Between someone having their new supply therefore not reaching out to the old one...me, or the shame and guilt will keep her away.

Either way, I feel safe mostly to know I won’t be contacted by her. A painful and sad relief.