1st time blog

[Manatee13]

Hello everyone,  I'm glad to find a group that will well understand this terrible disorder and hope to find some answers and guidance.
My daughter is 28 now and has 3 beautiful children by 3 different fathers. I have just recently realized her diagnosis of BPD. So to say the least it has been quite a roller coaster ride with dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The hard part was expecting normal responses to every day happenings and trying to understand the absurdity of her actions, words and self destruction. I am reading "stop walking on eggshells " and it has opened my eyes, made me cry and respond out loud in agreement.
It is partly a relief to finally know what is going on and partly sad to know the torment my daughter is going through.  To say the least my biggest concern now is for the 3 children 10, 5 and 3.
She is my youngest of 3 , my son and other daughter are very stable and doing well.
I dont understand where this disorder comes from the only thing I can say was different was that she had mononucleosis when she was 3 y/o. While I know that everyone who has had mono does not end up mentality ill after maybe there is something to it.
She has a propensity to use the children against me, especially her oldest so I find myself walking on eggshells to protect her. More and more I see I have to give my daughter the time,  love and attention to keep her from using the children.
Looking forward to learning more, using skills I learn and helping her and the children as best I can.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello, Manatee
It is good to meet you although I am sorry about the circumstances. Welcome to the group! You have come to the right place for help and support. This is, as you say, a terrible disorder but there is hope. While we cannot change our children we can change ourselves and often that helps our relationship with them. I take it your daughter has not been diagnosed but shows signs of BPD. Can you share what some of her behaviors are that lead you to suspect BPD? I know what you mean by Jekyl and Hyde. My 24 year old son diagnosed with BPD is very much Jekyl and Hyde and it really is frustrating. I have learned lots of things on this site that help me cope with this reality. I hope you do too. What is most pressing for you now? How can we help?

[Only Human]

Hi there Manatee

What a lovely introduction, you've been through so much with your daughter and I'm really glad you've found us. As Faith says, there is hope!

I look forward to hearing more from you, we want to help.

~ OH

[Manatee13]

Hello again.
I'm sure I'm in the right place. Thank goodness there is a special gathering to help deal with our questions. 
You are right, my daughter has yet to be dx, oddly enough she had told me a few months back that she believed that she had BPD. So immediately I looked into it and bingo, she was right. She has been to many therapists and it never lasts. I believe most were one time visits. Her rage over the smallest things are something I could never understand and now I can see more clearly.  They are about her, her self esteem,  her fears. Very sad.  To answer your question,  the most pressing situation is seeing to a healthy environment and growth for my 3 grandchildren.  She also just entered into a new relationship 2-3 weeks ago and it is moving very fast. He seems very nice, happy and stable.. I now worry that this relationship will survive, that he can handle her and the mood swings and they can make this work. She is on a high right now.
Thanks for being here!

[FaithHopeLove]

I can understand your concern for your grandchildren. Several members also have dear grandchildren whose parents suffer from BPD.  I am sure they will be along to offer their words of wisdom from personal experience about how to help them feel loved and secure in a very difficult situation. All I have to offer in the way of advice is to do what you can to improve your relationship with your daughter. That really is your only hope for physical/ emotional access to your grandchildren. Validate, validate, validate whatever it is that is valid about what your daughter is expressing, even if it is only to validate her feelings. Keep whatever conversations you have as light as possible. Be careful not to give her any reason to think you are interfering with her parenting. Light, light, light. easy, easy, easy. If you have to vent come here where you can do it safely.

[Manatee13]

Great advice. Advice that is becoming clearer,  it is all about her , to keep the peace and to help the grandkids.
Validate,  keep it simple and easy. New mantra. :0)

[Harri]

Hi manatee and welcome!  You have received some really good advice from Faith, and I see Only Human welcomed you as well!

As Faith said, validation is going to be very important.  One thing to remember is that pwBPD (people with BPD) process things differently and a lot of times what we think of as being validating is actually received as being invalidating (even people without BPD this can happen).   Here we focus on Don't Invalidate as that is easier to manage.  Read the article and see what you think.  I'll tell ya I was shocked to find out that I was (and still can be) so invalidating!  Ack! 

Validation will also help you help the kids process some of their experiences as well.  The practice of Don't invalidate can help prevent escalation and hard feelings so it is worth the effort to learn it.

I also want to clarify here, though I might be reading too much into your statement so forgive me please if I am way off.  You said:

to keep the peace

.  Reducing conflict by learning communication skills and about the disorder can go a long way in keeping things more calm.  It is important though that we do not become doormats and allow poor behaviors.  Avoidance can be a good thing and a bad thing. 

The Do's and Don'ts of a BPD Relationship is a great article and can give you an idea of just how challenging it is to help someone with BPD.  I know that does not sound like a great thing to read, but (!) it tells you what you can do and what you can expect.

I am glad you joined us and hope to see you posting more.  The parents on this board really get it and are wonderfully supportive.

Again,