Estranged from daughter

[sunshine221]

Greeting, new member here... As it gets closer to Mother's Day I am accutely aware of the sadness and grief that I carry since my daughter has stopped speaking with me last June.  Altho she has never been officially diagnosed with BPD, it was suggest by my counselor and doctor that this may be the issue.  I poured myself into learning about it and felt that it indeed has been my life with her.  She was diagnosed with OCD and ODD and anxiety  since she was a child. She's received meds, counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy, but as an adult (she's 36) I found her to be very inconsistent with her moods and meds and would often rage at me for reasons that were not valid ( In my mind anyway).  Her verbal attacks were vicious (Mostly thru texts) but I would always respond with 'no matter what I'll always love you.' I offered to go to counseling/therapy with her, but she said I really didn't mean it and refused all offers. I live in a rural area so finding support groups is difficult.  I'm glad I found this group and hope I can find some support with others like me.  After reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" I happened upon DBT Therapy cards on Amazon.  Since my desire is for her to get help and that seemed to be the most promising therapy, I bought them for myself to try. It's an interesting journey and can only pray of a healing.  Thanks for letting me share.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Welcome to the group, sunshine221!

You have come to the right place for support and information, I'm glad you found us. There are many members here who are dealing with estrangement, you are not alone.

I'm sorry your daughter refused to attend counseling with you and has stopped speaking to you. It makes sense that this would cause you grief and sadness, we love our children and being cut off is a pain like no other.

You've learned a lot and you're reaching out here for support - I hope you will find posting and reading here as helpful as many of us have. I came here in crisis last year and am happy to report that my situation has improved. Having the support of awesome folks at  bpdfamily helped me greatly.

I've never heard of DBT Therapy cards, sounds interesting!

You mention a counselor suggested your D might suffer from BPD - are you still in counseling? Many of us find working with a therapist with experience with BPD very helpful.

I hope you stick around and become part of the family here - posting here, and in other members' threads is a great way to build your support network.

I look forward to hearing more from you and how we can best support you.

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Sunshine
I join OH in welcoming you to the group. You have come to the right place for help and support. Like others I can testify that things can get better. Eggshells, as we call it, is a great book. There are lots of other resources here too. Have you has the chance to look around a bit? I would love to hear more about the DBT cards. I may have to check them out for myself!

[Mirsa]

Hi Sunshine221,

Welcome!   I'm wondering how old your daughter is?   While it is painful to be on the receiving end of her aggression and passive aggression, I can also say that even mothers (or perhaps ESPECIALLY mothers) deserve to be treated with love and kindness.  So, her behavior and treatment of you is a manifestation of her emotional state and lack of development, and really isn't a reflection of YOU at all.   Adult children who are kind and emotionally stable are able to manage to love their mothers and be kind to them, even in the face of disagreements and different personalities.  

Hugs to you, and perhaps during this (probably temporary) break from her, you can have a love affair with yourself.   I've had a great time building a new happiness for myself.  I deserve it.  It's my life and I'm determined to be happy and to spread happiness to others to the best of my ability.    She may come around; she may not.  In the meantime, let's enjoy life to its fullest!