He doesn't want to see me

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello BPD family,

it's almost two years now since the break up.

I went to see him and his family - as friends - last month. Things were okay although he was quite distant and avoided me a lot, which means l spent more time with his family than with him actually. But he gave me good night hugs, we've been watching movies and were laughing together.

There's an event we both are going to next week. I've been looking forward to seeing him again as we're in a long distance situation.

But since I'm back home l did not hear one word from him. Until last night when he said he wanted to be left alone at that event.
Not even an hour later he was posting on social media that he regrets getting that ticket for the event, that nobody would talk to him anyway...

I'm shattered. Took my time to reply. Told him that if he doesn't want to see me I'm respecting that. That he can call me if he changes his mind, I'd love to see him. Now I'm praying.

I just wanted to share this with you. Thought maybe you have something uplifting to say. It just hurts me so. I'm still in love like on day one. All he does is dating around, reaching out, then disappearing again.

I've been strong when we've been seeing each other. I didn't cry at all, just enjoyed the time we had together. The first time l made it, seeing him without crying.

I miss him so. Apart from these two messages it's 3 weeks no contact. I just wanna work things out

Thanks for reading and have a good night

FaithfulInLove

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[allovertheplace]

I know the feeling. My ex and I broke up 9 months ago, spent 4 months no contact, and have been caught up in a push/pull cycle for 5 ish months now.

He goes from "I love you, I want to be with you" and being super affectionate and reaching out to disappearing, "I never want to date you or commit to you, etc." but he still wants to be non-platonic and act the same way. During this phase we won't talk for weeks unless I reach out, not that he's ignoring me but he seems indifferent towards having me in his life - while 2 months ago I was getting random "I love you so much" texts and constant contact, now it's radio silence and acting detached. Sounds like you and your ex in the sense that you feel close when you're together in those happy moments, but they're also avoidant and keeping their distance at the same time.

We've been in the devaluation stage for a little while now - it's an inevitable cycle. Because people with BPD have unstable emotions, they both fear abandonment and engulfment (getting too close, feeling consumed/controlled). So a push/pull cycle happens where you're the best thing one day, then you don't exist the next.

During the no contact periods, I try to refrain from reaching out as much as I can or spacing out the texts. I try not to question him about his changing feelings/desires or express how much he's hurting and confusing me because he has no idea what he feels and it just stresses him out and creates anger - it worsens or triggers the devaluation. It's hard to do, but try to depersonalize his actions or mixed signals - it's a product of a dysfunctional emotional/thought process that you or I are helpless to change. Our actions can trigger or exacerbate the reversals, but they were gonna happen anyway regardless of anything we do or try not to do.

It kills to know that he's likely messing around with other girls and that during this devaluation phase I'm nonexistent, but I try to put it out of my mind. It's so painful as you know, but reminding myself that it's not my fault that he's doing this and not letting it attack my self-worth helps. My therapist has told me to focus on my side of the equation, rather than his, even when we're in the idealization phase - meaning don't put too much thought or energy into him and his emotions and analyzing the situation (super hard to do), but focusing that time and energy on building myself up and filling my life with happy things. Feeling like I have love, friendship, and things I enjoy outside of my situation with him eases the loneliness and distracts me from the depressing or obsessive thoughts, even for a moment.

It's a process and I'm nowhere near being perfect at it, but progress happens slowly but surely. I wish I had better advice to give you but I hope this helps

[FaithfulInLove]

Hello there allovertheplace and thank you for your nice answer.

So you wanna say it is normal that he is pulling aways sometimes and that this shouldn't make me worry? Because I really am worried that he does not like me anymore.

My biggest fear is losing touch with this man. I truly love him, I want peace and friendship - well, what I truly want is working our relationship out, but I see that this is far away from where we are now, so for now I am going for friendship.

I am trying to respect his space. I'm not planning to reach out to him again until he does as I see it is pushing him away. Maybe in a few months from here, half a year in the future or so. I see I can't smother him like I did before.

I must say I didn't feel any kind of "pull" from him since the break up two years ago. It was always me asking if we could spend time and him agreeing after thinking about it for weeks. The only thing he does [or at least did the past months] was reaching out in a very light way, texting "Hey, and how are you doing" every few weeks and me replying to that.


I truly wanna rekindle things, but didn't mention that for many months because I see it complicates things between us. He even seems to enjoy having such control over me in some way.


Do you think there is still a chance for us although he is behaving that way? I miss him so. I  miss our friendship and it hurts me how we are barely talking - for half a year already.

[FaithfulInLove]

Update:

He reached out to me, acting as if nothing ever happened.
Even treated me with a topless pic.

I still don't know if he wants to see me at the event though. Have been to scared to ask. I wanna see him so bad but don't wanna give him all the power

How to handle such a situation? Just let him come to me?