Daughter pregnant and homeless

[murmom]

I have posted here a few times before.  My daughter is 21 and the BPD is not getting better.  My daughter dropped out of high school and now basically cannot or refuses to hold a job.  She has been with her live in boyfriend for almost two years, but it has been very volatile.  He deals pot and pills on the side to help pay child support for his daughter from another woman.  There have been a lot of domestic instances between daughter and BF, the latest resulting in the arrest of my daughter with a charge of DV against her with a no contact order.  This happened last week and btw, she is pregnant.  She went to a homeless shelter after her arrest and then was hospitalized a few days ago for extreme anxiety.  My daughter is basically homeless.  There have been so many times that either her Dad, my ex husband, or myself gave her a room in our home in exchange for going to school, getting a job, leaving this abusive BF, and every time she would leave and go back to this guy and drop out of school again, etc. Now because of the no contact order she cannot go back to her home with her BF.  I think daughter needs transitional housing or a group home with therapy.  Daughter wants us to set her up financially in her own apartment.  She has no job so I would have to rent the apartment in my name.  She has broken things in a rage and done drugs in the past so I cannot see me doing this and being legally responsible for anything she might do to and in her apartment.

So daughter is pregnant, in the hospital, homeless with DV charges against her and I am holding to my position that she needs a group home with counseling and goals for herself.  She told me tonight that I am a s@#%ty parent.  There is so much more but I do not know how I can be strong and hold my position without caving in. I do not want to continue enabling her bad decisions, but her future scares me and I do not know how to protect myself from emotional devastation.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hopeandjoy]

this is tough. I'm glad that you understand she has BPD and came to this forum where we understand what you're dealing with from your daughter.

It sounds like you and your daughter are in conflict. You disagree about her treatment, and she disagrees with how you should help her. With the recent traumas and her pregnancy, it is very important she makes good choices right now.

You have a right to your opinion about where she lives, her treatment, and goals. She has a right to choose what she does and make mistakes.
You have a right to decide how you spend your money. You do not owe your daughter anything financially, emotionally, etc. You do not have to listen to the things she says.

She wants you to set her up in an apartment, she's getting angry to try to force you into doing that. At the same time, you holding your position is imposing your expectations, concerns about the unborn, and opinions about mental health on her. this puts her on the defense and removes yourself as a supportive figure in her life. You are not enabling her bad decisions in the future, you are fueling them.

[Lollypop]

Hi there murmom

I’m so very glad you’ve posted but I’m sorry to hear this latest news. Our kids drag us through the mill don’t they. It’s no wonder you’re feeling like you do.

I am holding to my position that she needs a group home with counseling and goals for herself.

Well done. You’ve reasoned that her request is beyond what you are prepared to do and made a decision. You can’t make her set goals for herself, and right now she won’t be able to because she’s highly emotional but in the right stable setting she might learn.

She told me tonight that I am a s@#%ty parent.  

For every action there’s a consequence. We know that, and that’s why I used to do a kind of dance around my son when we were conflicted. I’d try to soften and JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).

You have decided to parent differently because you could see you were enabling. Of course, she’s going to kick out, resent and resist. She came to you to resolve her problem because that’s her lived experience.

There is so much more but I do not know how I can be strong and hold my position without caving in. I do not want to continue enabling her bad decisions, but her future scares me

Knowledge about BPD provides us with better understanding - our kids cannot help the way they behave. You cannot change your daughter. I encourage you to read more about BPD as it will help calm you. Knowledge = power. You can only change yourself and how you interact.

With better interaction skills you can find a way forwards with your daughter. A way that is emotionally supportive, that does not mean fixing and financially supporting.

Your fears are you own. To be honest, I still have them. My fear drove me to take actions. For my son to behave like an adult he needed to be treated like one. I was always taking responsibility for his life in my enabling. Now, this is important.  I GENTLY placed the responsibility in his lap. I was there beside him as he moved forwards.

Your daughter needs you to be strong, to know that you’re there for her in a healthier way,  this will go some way to allay her fears. They can feed off our fears so I hope you find a way to calm yourself. We only have the present, the future is not known and while our minds might ruminate it’s the truth. It’s wasted energy - try to stay in the present. What support do you have?

and I do not know how to protect myself from emotional devastation.

Protection means “be stronger”. For starters It’d help if you and your ex on the same songsheet?  You both know your daughter and love her.  The knowledge about BPD gives us a body shield. The better interaction skills gives us a toolkit for a healthier relationship. Getting Armed up with these sets you up and makes you feel more resilient and confident. They’ll prepare you for the unknown.

Post often as it really helps to vent, seek alternative views and learn what emotional detachment looks like. there’s many here that can relate to you and your situation. I hope you stay around.

What’s the latest with your daughter?

Lp

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Murmom
Welcome back. I am sorry to hear that your daughter is in a pickle. I know that must be hard for you to witness particularly since an unborn child is involved. It is very important you take care of yourself. Posting here is good as are any activities that bring you peace. Do you have a therapist of your own? You can't control your DD choices but you can definitely help yourself. Please keep us posted. We are here for you.

[murmom]

Thank you for the replies - they really help.  I know, intellectually, that I am not treating her like an adult who can make her own decisions.  I know for my daughter and for myself that needs to change.  My daughter wants to make her own decisions but have me bail her out when those decisions do not work out.  And I have done that because the alternative (not to step in and help) was always worrisome.  I lose sleep over my daughter sometimes. Some of the things she does worry me to the point that it affects MY mental health. I have had counseling over this in the past but do not currently have a counselor.  My daughter's Dad steps in and rescues, too.  I know that this needs to stop and we need to find better ways to be her support system. 

As of now my daughter is not speaking to me.  I do not want to cut her out of my life so I am just letting her be for now.  She is in a safe place (the hospital) and if she cannot find a friend to stay with she has the option of going to a residential living situation (which she doesn't want to do), but that option is there and she won't be homeless on the streets.

I have read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" many times and I will continue to read here and learn on this board.  I have a wonderful second husband but he really does not understand my daughter.  He came into this late in the game, when my daughter was about 16 years old. My ex and I have dealt with my daughter's issues since she was about 12 years old. Her psychiatrists have flip flopped on a DX for her, but most agree that she definitely suffers from BPD.

Murmom

[Hopeandjoy]

My daughter wants to make her own decisions but have me bail her out when those decisions do not work out. 

I have a wonderful second husband but he really does not understand my daughter.  He came into this late in the game, when my daughter was about 16 years old. My ex and I have dealt with my daughter's issues since she was about 12 years old.

You know what she wants, now you can approach her with a win-win solution. Since making her own choices is her right, I suggest not arguing with her decisions. Since helping her is your choice, I would put conditions and limitations on that. If you've been over-helping it's best to back off slowly so she doesn't fall flat on her face. "We will give you $200 for food a month for one year, after that we will not be able to give you money anymore." 

Your 2nd husband was not there her entire life, so he won't understand her. Additionally, your husband is there for you, not her. It's best to keep your 2nd husband out of the conflict to avoid triangulation.
You and your daughter conflict, her BPD makes resolution more challenging but it's best to leave DX out of your relationships. Once you decide that your daughter is your problem, resolution b/w you two is impossible. Your daughter is going to live out her convictions and see things from her viewpoint, if you don't learn to respect that despite how scary it feels, she will distance herself from you.

[murmom]

I heard from my daughter today.  She called me during the last 5 minutes of my lunch break at work,  so it was a short conversation.   I tried to focus on listening to her and not giving her advice.  She let me know how she was trying to solve her problems  and I just listened.   Some of what she said I cannot believe,  but I kept my mouth shut.  So at least she reached out.  I am trying to be less involved without cutting her out of my life.  Today felt like a better day.

[FaithHopeLove]

I am glad today was better for you. One step at a time.