Is it wise to ask a pwBPD "How are you?"

[FaithHopeLove]

My husband and I were just talking about whether or not it is wise to ask our DS24xBPD how he is doing. He always responds negatively by saying things like "How do you think I am doing? My life sucks. etc." We are thinking he reacts like this because the question threatens him. What do the rest of you think? Is it wise to ask him "How are you?" Is there something else less threatening we can say?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

I would in general just try to ask him questions that are not threatening about things he likes to do.  He may eventually tell you more about how he feels if the conversation is more about what he wants to talk about. What are some of his interests that you can talk about together? It is important that the BPD does not define him, and to emphasize those parts of him that have nothing to do with BPD.

[Panda39]

It's interesting you bring this up because I recently had a really stressful period at work that lasted about 2 months and I can tell you the last question I wanted to be asked was that simple innocent question...because people really didn't want to know how I was doing and then it becomes difficult because I ended up lying...Oh, I'm fine.  It's one of those things that when you feel like things are good you don't mind answering but if your not feeling good you either end up venting or lying.  Yes there is a third choice which is calmly expressing your feelings...difficult for someone with BPD and Stressed out Pandas   

Panda39

[Only Human]

I ask DD25 and she answers honestly, as far as I know   Sometimes it's not easy to hear what she has to say but she has thanked me for asking as she is not one to come to me to talk about how she is doing. When I'm rested, not in a hurry, and my "bucket" is full, I listen with empathy and ask validating questions. Last night, however, I was headed out the door when I asked and she shared more than I had time to engage with so I skipped the validating questions and stuck with empathetic listening and validating her feelings, ending with "You've got a lot going on." She answered, "Yeah," and then we wrapped up the conversation and I left for the evening. I think I'll avoid asking the question if I don't have time to engage, but I will continue to ask as my DD has told me she appreciates it, it's a way for us to connect.

We are thinking he reacts like this because the question threatens him. What do the rest of you think?

It's impossible to know why he reacts the way he does but you may be on to something here, Faith, in that there's more to his response than a "status report." As Panda says,

It's one of those things that when you feel like things are good you don't mind answering but if your not feeling good you either end up venting or lying. 

I like Zachira's suggestion of talking about things that interest your DS, opening the door to share how he's doing as he feels comfortable.

Is there something else less threatening we can say?

If you're looking for a social pleasantry, which "how are you?" tends to be, how about "It's great to hear from you/see you," followed by something he may find interesting?

"It's great to hear from you. I saw the trailer for the new xxx movie and it made me think of you, are you planning on seeing it?" His answer may be negative, but you can validate, listen with empathy, and ask validating questions:

"Like I can afford movie ticket prices, geeze, I'm barely making my rent payment at that crappy apartment."

"Oh, I know, movies have gotten so costly, sorry to hear you're struggling to make your rent, [validating question here that I can't think of at the moment]"

It must suck to hear such negativity all the time, Faith, and I'm glad you brought your question here!

~ OH

[wendydarling]

Such a good question Faith. I struggled with this when DD was really ill.  Zachira gives great advice, BPD does not define our children. Focus on their positive strengths and interests, things that mean a lot to them, worked for us. Your son is creative, he surprised you with your birthday present... a real connection between you both. He gifted you that. Reach deep inside to reciprocate, you know him well. My DD needed me not to focus on her, she needed me to continue living my life and this gave her comfort, space and strength. Meanwhile I was here trying to work it all out like you are!  Your son sounds like he wants to spend time with you, he checks in with you. I wonder if you inviting him to the cinema (or another event) with you and H so you can spend most of the time in silence, in the same space may be calming and help him feel secure with you and H, it's not all about his problems.

I think I'll avoid asking the question if I don't have time to engage, but I will continue to ask as my DD has told me she appreciates it, it's a way for us to connect.

Only Human this is such a good lesson for us, we need to find the right way for us to connect. Our way, our unique situation.

For all stressed Pandas and people   - this is what DD tweeted today to her BPD-DBT community, it is receiving a good response...
If you’re having a bad day, I’m not going to tell you to have a good day. I know it’s not that simple. Instead, I’m gonna tell you to have a day. Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes & don’t give up on yourself. It’ll get better. But until then... Have a day.

Keep going Faith, you'll get to where you need to be  

WDx  

[DriftlessRider]

I tend to ask more targeted and specific questions than "how are you"? I ask them the way I would ask someone with the flu what their temperature is.

"Are you depressed? "  "How is your anxiety today?"  Even, "Are you feeling suicidal?"  And if there is not a ready answer I don't push it, sometimes I'll say "we can talk later" or something reaffirming.

It has helped our communication greatly, and I think it helps de-stigmatize the disease even within the household.

She is ill, and I am checking in on her condition. That's all. And as a byproduct she know's I'm thinking of her and I care.

[Panda39]

For all stressed Pandas and people   - this is what DD tweeted today to her BPD-DBT community, it is receiving a good response...
If you’re having a bad day, I’m not going to tell you to have a good day. I know it’s not that simple. Instead, I’m gonna tell you to have a day. Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes & don’t give up on yourself. It’ll get better. But until then... Have a day.

Love this    It's brief and it's true no matter how the day is going.  Tell your daughter you have a friend that really appreciated this.

Panda39

[wendydarling]

Tell your daughter you have a friend that really appreciated this.

I did Panda! DD says perhaps we'll all be signing off 'have a day' one day, or something more mindful  

It has helped our communication greatly, and I think it helps de-stigmatize the disease even within the household.

This is great to hear DriftlessRider, I'm really pleased for you helping your DD speak out. I also relate to flu, in my situation I waited for her to share her symptoms. Very interesting!

Faith 'how are you' inflames your DS. Have you and H had any further thoughts? I can only describe getting to a better place has been feeling my way through, observing my DD's temperature, like you are and standing on one leg to balance both of us. 

[FaithHopeLove]

Faith 'how are you' inflames your DS. Have you and H had any further thoughts? I can only describe getting to a better place has been feeling my way through, observing my DD's temperature, like you are and standing on one leg to balance both of us. 

No, I can't say we have had further insights. DS stopped by yesterday in a better mood. Not thinking I said "hi, how are you?" He smiled and said "fine" so maybe it isn't even the question itself that is triggering.

[livednlearned]

I wonder if it's the same with most of us.

At times, someone might ask me how I'm doing and I just say, Fine. Because it's easier and not the moment to go into what's actually going on, some complicated story that I don't want to get into, or the relationship can't bear the weight of what I really want to say. In those moments, How are you can make me feel a bit isolated.

Other times, when I'm hurting and someone asks me how I'm doing, and they are seeking a genuine response, it feels validating and deeply rewarding.

Having said that, I do tend to ask SD22 fewer questions overall. Her risk assessment tendencies are so heightened that a casual question, What are you up to today? Can lead to all kinds of paranoid thoughts that then lead to sit-downs where she wants to discuss why I asked that question, what did I suspect, why do I need to know, etc.

I feel like I have become much better at reading emotional energy although I am by no means nailing it  If SD22 becomes paranoid I'm learning to speak in what my T calls small targets. "Ok." Or "I hear ya." Or sometimes just a shrug, trying to ward off a JADE on my part.

[zachira]

Just another thought about asking someone: "How are you?" There was once a guy who was frustrated that a lot of people who asked how he was did not even listen or care. The guy went to a party and answered all the how are you questions in a neutral tone with " I just shot my mother", and nobody responded to what he said. I think it is more about the intent of asking someone how they are and what the receiver thinks the question is about than the question itself. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

He smiled and said "fine" so maybe it isn't even the question itself that is triggering.

Glad to hear it Faith! Yes, your right and that's the point Panda39 and LNL make and I think zachira if I understand correctly.

Reminds me of other conversations we're having SeekingHelp25 silent treatment SkellyII sliding back after award, success…..

85% of communication is through body language, I like how LNL says

I feel like I have become much better at reading emotional energy although I am by no means nailing it

We're tuning in.  

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi Faith

Can I join in the party?  

I’m so glad you asked this question. We talk so much about validation and empathy but little about opening up a conversation or even closing it too.

I’ve noticed my hesitancy in asking how son is doing lately. He’s struggling because of this new relationship.

I think society and our casual and regular enquiries are not helpful at all but we do it anyway. How many times do we say “how are you?” Rather than just “hi there”.  I’ve started saying - “hello, so lovely to see you”.  It’s a bit formal but I’m working on it.  If I get a feeling that all is not well, I try to leave it a few days before contacting him and I’ll say “I haven’t heard from you in awhile and wondered how you’re getting on.”  This seems to work because it’s less about feelings and more about his routines.

I try to stay away from text. He likes the offer of a home cooked meal but I haven’t recently because he’s a buzz-kill. This may sound horrible of me, but I’m so busy right now and feel I won’t give the right attention. It’s a bit grab and go at the moment.

The fact is if they’re having a rough day, any kind of conversation is a challenge. You can feel it in their demeanour and their voice. Red flag!  I guess your question is:

How can we explore how they are without a direct question?

Light as a fairy. In my early days here when things were tough,  I’d talk nonsense while i got myself busy making a coffee or similar so he wouldn’t feel my attention was in him. I’d  listen with both my eyes and ears as I prattled on about anything and everything but problems. If he opened up I could validate. If he didn’t open up but I could see he was in a bad way then I’d give him a hug as I moved onto opening the fridge or whatever. No questions.

Thanks Faith for this. It reminds me that I need to bring this back as son is in a “life is flat” mode.

LP

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[mom7834]

Excellent thread. I am learning so much here. Thank you!