How to Get Help for Adult Daughter

[Distressed Mothe]

My 45 year old daughter has cut us out of her life again. This is about the fifth time it has happened sometimes for as long as over a year. She has two daughters, 15 and 17, that my husband and I have spent so much time with and love so much. They also have no contact with us. I always watch every word that I say to her, never say anything negative to her. (My husband and I have supported her through many personal crises including financial assistance.) When she does get in contact again, always at my initiation, she refuses to talk about why she was so angry.  A therapist first told me that she had BPD when she was 19 years old. Since then, I have had 2 other psychologist and a psychiatrist  indicate that she probably has BPD after explaining her behavior to them. She has seen therapists over the years but I have no idea what went on in that therapy and if she was diagnosed, she has never told me. She has so many symptoms of this disorder. Is there anyway, at this point, to try to make her understand that she has an emotion disorder, that she needs help. My son and husband both tell me that that would just alienate her more. I am not inclined to initiate contact with her this time. For years, she has  cut off her brother and his family, uncles, aunts and cousins. It has taken me so long to accept that she does not want to be a part of our family. She is very successful at her job. Thank goodness for that. Have any of you had success in regards to explaining the BPD disorder to your adult son/daughter and getting them to agree to get help?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there distressed mother

Welcome and I’m glad to meet you but very sorry to learn about what’s brought you here.

It sounds like you’ve been through the mill and back again. It’s exhausting isn’t it. Trying to cope with the rollercoaster of our adult kids.

Im not sure how much you know about BPD? I encourage you to read as much as you can. You’ve an opportunity to learn new ways of interacting with your daughter and this can really improve your situation. You cannot change others, only yourself. I totally understand that this may not be what you want to hear right now. I say it gently, the only thing you have control of is yourself and how you react to your daughter (including her periods of no contact).

My son was dx at 24 and he reeled from the news and he spiralled down. He felt his life was forever going to be hopeless. He does not trust medical professionals and therefore has not sought treatment. I had to accept his decision. He is responsible for his life.

I think you would be wise to listen to your husband and son. They know you both well. If you try to tell your daughter your thoughts she may react strongly and negatively. There are always consequences. For treatment to work there has to be full commitment and they have to want it for themselves.

I’m glad you found us. How long has it been since you saw your grandchildren?

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Distressed Mother
I join Lollipop in welcoming you here and assuring you that you have come to the right place for help and support. It must be heartbreaking when your daughter goes no contact particularly since your two precious grandchildren are involved. Getting BPD loved ones into therapy is not easy. Many insist there is nothing wrong with them and you can't force it. What you can change is yourself. Many people have improved their relationships with their children by using the tools and skills they learned on this website. I am one of them! My DS24XBPD (dear son 24 diagnosed BPD) goes no contact sometimes too and refuses to go for therapy. Nonetheless our relationship has improved due to the things I learned here and I have hope the future will be better, not what I wanted but better. It can get better for you too. We are all with you. You are not alone.

[Distressed Mothe]

My grandchildren are now 15 and 17. I'm certain that she has convinced them that I am evil. I have been dealing with this now for 26 years. I tried so very hard to be a good mother. I have read very much about the disorder. I have no idea what happened to her in her childhood, if anything. I have watched every word I said to her. I helped her in so many ways and spent so much time with my grandchildren. I am 72 years old now and I am frankly just tired. Sometimes reading about the disorder, I feel guilty that I am not reaching out to her this time as I have always done in the past. After many years, I have some peace in my life. I just don't have the energy to go through it anymore. We saw her the day before Christmas. She lied to me that she was unable to do Christmas on Christmas day because she had to work the next day. I found out that she spent Christmas with friends whom she has known for less than a year. She continually tells them what a great mother she is. She is single, cut the girls off from anyone in their father's family including him when they were 4 and 6. I hope some day that my granddaughters will come to realize that I was a good grandmother to them, loved them deeply. I wonder what is going to happen when they start becoming adults and are independent of her. How will she handle that?

[FaithHopeLove]

I hope some day that my granddaughters will come to realize that I was a good grandmother to them, loved them deeply. I wonder what is going to happen when they start becoming adults and are independent of her. How will she handle that?

I think that, once they are older and more independent, your granddaughters will come to realize you are a good grandmother and good person. It's up do your daughter how she handles it. The main thing is, these relationships are not over.  Don't give up hope.

[mamabolivia]

How sad. I'm so sorry for the separation from (a part of) your family. One thing I realise about those with BPD (full-blown or traits) is that they are completely convinced that their reading and making of reality is right and that everyone else's is wrong, hence the almost impossible task to get them into therapy.

The list of "sins" that has been built up against you over the years is endless, and will be referred back to time and time again to justify her reality - for what are we without our understanding of our reality? (and so the spending of Christmas with "new" people who don't attack/remind her of other realities). Unfortunately children are  very easy to manipulate into the DBT's reality and this reality may never change. My suggestion would be not to "force" your reality on her, accept her reality and work on building a non-judgemental relationship with her so that by being in her life you can be close to your grandchildren and lead by example.

Take a second to think about something you feel very strongly about and how it makes you feel when someone has a different belief (go on! go for the highly emotional ones, such as God, abortion, climate change - whatever sets you off!). Take the anger you feel when a person tells you you are stupid for believing in (fill in the blank). Now turn up that emotion by about 100. That's how strongly BPD people feel at any perceived slight.
    
When people with DBT cut people out of their life it is because they feel threatened and don't have the skills to negotiate what they perceive as an onslaught against their reality. This can't change without a lot of realisation and desire to change on the part of the BPD, which all too often doesn't happen, so the ball is on your side of the court - but it can be done.

I also recommend reading The Buddha and the Borderline. I wept. It was an amazing insight into the world of a BPD and helped me have much more empathy.

I wish you well Distressed Mother.