Left alone by dtr with a broken toe, struggling to look after myself

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi all, I havent posted for a while. My dtr was taking meds and we only had a few bumps in the road. Well she came off her meds and slowly but surely I am being cast as a villan in her life again.

It started with extreme reactions to not being able to go out drinking. Anger when I instructed her to go home after fiding her drunk in a cafe bar at 10pm night with my Grandchild who is 7. I called her and she was slurring so badly. She was downing bottles of wine alone with the child. My Grandchild told me later she told her I was being mean to her.

She managed to talk me into babysitting every Saturday as she needed to work, desperately needed the money. Very quickly the child was delivered to me at work on Friday and the dog and she went out drinking ( spending everything she made) Late for her job, clearly hungover. She still seemed a bit drunk when she got here to collect the child this Saturday.

I explained its all a bit too much every whole weekend after a 40 hr working week. Her response was well you agreed! She refused to engage in a dialogue about what's fair to ask of me and the fact its impossible to cancel if I am ill. I have Lupus.

This weekend me and the Grandaughter were here. I hit the toe next to the big one. I broke it. My Grandbaby helped me going to get ice and got me on the sofa. Then the real trouble started.

My dtr left work 2 hrs early after getting in an hr late due to being drunk. When she got here despite me not being able to go to the toilet she said she had to go home because she needed to sleep. My Grandbaby was horrified at the thought of leaving me. She loves me so much and shows genuine concern for me which only highlights the contrast with my dtr.

Well she decided to stay overnight and did help me She got me crutches from somewhere and the next day took me to A&E .I was still in so much pain, still am. I can't bathe, cant put any pressure on the foot. Walking with the boot is still unbearable.

She started to say she wasn't feeling well. She had to go home. She took the child but made it quite clear she wanted to leave the dog. I found myself agreeing to let her leave the dog.

The dog is having a period, needs her undies taken on and off and the door needs opening to let her go out for a wee.I felt so nauseated, tired and unwell I just agreed to keep the dog till the next weekend

So I was left in less than 24 hrs after a break. She bolted out of the door Sunday She has not asked me how I am, how or if I am coping. I am not coping well. I've been very tearful and feel very vulnerable. I think the worst of it is the fact that I am expected to leave work if she needs me, clean her house, council her for days or weeks when she is down but she left me.

She could have invited me to  stay at hers but she couldn't get away from here fast enough. She left the living room upside down ( she made the mess)

So Ive tried to look after the dog and myself. Its been hard as the meds aren't helping the pain enough for me to do what I need to do alone. The dog almost pulled me off the crutch so I have to go downstairs to open the garden door.

She sent me a message saying why haven't you been online for 24hrs? What can I say? She made it clear she doesn't want to know. So I respond that I am ill but not to be concerned. I don't want to be perceived as being manipulative because I really do need help .

Her response was " well you would be concerned if you knew I was sofa bound".

So confused! She said she will come Saturday morning. If she was going out tho she would be here Friday night!

She has a new best friend so she has pulled away from me again. That's fine, I get that and we've been here before. I'm not the only one who has been discarded. She has turned against her other friend. Then she tried to take her new boyfriend who happens to be the brother of the new bff.

It is so painful! She was better on the meds. I hadn't realised how much until she came of them. I have felt so much emotional pain over this because I have had an ongoing Cancer scare. I opted for watch and wait.

I know that not only will she never be there for me but she will offload on me and overload me.

Its just heartbreaking

[Blueskyday]

Hi all, I havent posted for a while. My dtr was taking meds and we only had a few bumps in the road. Well she came off her meds and slowly but surely I am being cast as a villan in her life again.

It started with extreme reactions to not being able to go out drinking. Anger when I instructed her to go home after fiding her drunk in a cafe bar at 10pm night with my Grandchild who is 7. I called her and she was slurring so badly. She was downing bottles of wine alone with the child. My Grandchild told me later she told her I was being mean to her.

She managed to talk me into babysitting every Saturday as she needed to work, desperately needed the money. Very quickly the child was delivered to me at work on Friday and the dog and she went out drinking ( spending everything she made) Late for her job, clearly hungover. She still seemed a bit drunk when she got here to collect the child this Saturday.

I explained its all a bit too much every whole weekend after a 40 hr working week. Her response was well you agreed! She refused to engage in a dialogue about what's fair to ask of me and the fact its impossible to cancel if I am ill. I have Lupus.

This weekend me and the Grandaughter were here. I hit the toe next to the big one. I broke it. My Grandbaby helped me going to get ice and got me on the sofa. Then the real trouble started.

My dtr left work 2 hrs early after getting in an hr late due to being drunk. When she got here despite me not being able to go to the toilet she said she had to go home because she needed to sleep. My Grandbaby was horrified at the thought of leaving me. She loves me so much and shows genuine concern for me which only highlights the contrast with my dtr.

Well she decided to stay overnight and did help me She got me crutches from somewhere and the next day took me to A&E .I was still in so much pain, still am. I can't bathe, cant put any pressure on the foot. Walking with the boot is still unbearable.

She started to say she wasn't feeling well. She had to go home. She took the child but made it quite clear she wanted to leave the dog. I found myself agreeing to let her leave the dog.

The dog is having a period, needs her undies taken on and off and the door needs opening to let her go out for a wee.I felt so nauseated, tired and unwell I just agreed to keep the dog till the next weekend

So I was left in less than 24 hrs after a break. She bolted out of the door Sunday She has not asked me how I am, how or if I am coping. I am not coping well. I've been very tearful and feel very vulnerable. I think the worst of it is the fact that I am expected to leave work if she needs me, clean her house, council her for days or weeks when she is down but she left me.

She could have invited me to  stay at hers but she couldn't get away from here fast enough. She left the living room upside down ( she made the mess)

So Ive tried to look after the dog and myself. Its been hard as the meds aren't helping the pain enough for me to do what I need to do alone. The dog almost pulled me off the crutch so I have to go downstairs to open the garden door.

She sent me a message saying why haven't you been online for 24hrs? What can I say? She made it clear she doesn't want to know. So I respond that I am ill but not to be concerned. I don't want to be perceived as being manipulative because I really do need help .

Her response was " well you would be concerned if you knew I was sofa bound".

So confused! She said she will come Saturday morning. If she was going out tho she would be here Friday night!

She has a new best friend so she has pulled away from me again. That's fine, I get that and we've been here before. I'm not the only one who has been discarded. She has turned against her other friend. Then she tried to take her new boyfriend who happens to be the brother of the new bff.

It is so painful! She was better on the meds. I hadn't realised how much until she came of them. I have felt so much emotional pain over this because I have had an ongoing Cancer scare. I opted for watch and wait.

I know that not only will she never be there for me but she will offload on me and overload me.

Its just heartbreaking

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello BlueSkyDay
Welcome to the group. I am glad you are here and sorry for what brings you here. Of course you feel devastated that your own child could be so unfeeling. I sometimes feel the same way when my son is projecting bad stuff onto me and showing no empathy. I keep telling myself it is the disease talking not him and really it is. Blame is a way of coping with pain. It's not a healthy way but it is a way. The more you learn about BPD the better you will be at not taking your daughter's insults personally. Posting here helps too. But first things first. Do you have any other family members or friends who can help with your immediate situation with your broken toe and bleeding dog? (Maybe someday this will be funny.)

[Blueskyday]

Thanks for the response. I am really trying hard not to blame to the point of anger. Its not easy! Im not sure how I sound but I feel totally discarded. I feel bereft.

There is no one else. We are a family of 3.

It is her dog. She left her here because SHE felt unwell.

I guess I am sad because regardless of any progress we seem to make it always comes back to this. She clearly has 0 empathy towards me. Its been 18yrs of abuse and drama with  little light. Its made me ill and depressed and I've ended up alone.

Now she's totally off her meds this will be the new reality. I hear how she is with other people. I see it. When someone is in favour she will go to any lengths to help them.  She can be so cold and cruel with me. I don't think I can ever learn not to take that personally and be hurt by it.

Now my Grandchild is watching this behaviour. She has been put at risk by the drinking on more than one occasion. I have to intervene. I fear that the child would be removed if I didn't. This is what has led up to me being discarded. I was totally discarded as soon as I placed the boundary regarding being asked to do too much babysitting. It was just unfortunate for me that I had the break the next day.

I know quite a bit about BPD. I have tried so hard to support and not enable. It hasn't worked.

I know I must change myself, get a network of friends etc. I have just been so ill and struggling with working full time. I run out of energy. I know this is really it! Nothing works between us and when the chips are down I can't count on her. I don't think its possible for that not to hurt.

[SkellyII]

Now my Grandchild is watching this behaviour. She has been put at risk by the drinking on more than one occasion. I have to intervene. I fear that the child would be removed if I didn't. 

I am so sorry for what you're going through, but let me throw this out there.

Maybe it would be better if the child were removed?

Unfortunately, I have experience with an ex that is BPD and an alcoholic. It might be better for your grandchild to get removed from that situation sooner than later.

[Blueskyday]

I must admit it has crossed my mind in the past. I am quite powerless I know. When I have put my foot down I have paid a price. The child loves her Mother. There would be no happy ending if she were removed.

I think the discard was because I made it clear she can not drink more than 2 drinks when the child is there and then I recanted on the babysitting every week.
She feels boxed in by me and is angry with me. She has no idea that it is her duty not to drink 2 bottles of wine alone with a child..She sees this as my rule. She is angry with me for telling her the truth.

The babysitting was to help her she said as she was broke. It was supposed to be a Saturday but again she quickly took advantage. I wake at 6 and she met me with the child and the dog outside my job. I was struggling and she was not only letting me but abusing the agreement. She was going out the night before, barely making it to work and spending the money she said she so badly needed.

I didn't respond in anger although I was far from impressed at being manipulated and taken advantage of. I put the boundary up to stop it happening. I said I will have the child but I can't be locked in. I have Lupus and on a Friday I am often very tired. Ideally I would have the child on a Saturday. I do worry if the child gets ill or there is a problem when I have her my dtr gets so blinding drunk she would be of no help.

The problem is she is growing and will sit in a bar until midnight. As a child she may think its quite a treat. The last time they went out for a day in the sun. They ended up in a cafe bar at night so my dtr could drink.Everything revolves around alcohol with my dtr when she is out. She is self medicating when she can get it. When she drinks she binges.


Its a bad situation that I thought was improving but I think it wa the meds. She gained weight and lowered them which I went along with and even encouraged. I thought she had grown up a bit. Since stopping the meds she has become increasingly hostile towards me.

[FaithHopeLove]

Is there any chance of her going back on meds?

[Blueskyday]

I tried..

2 weeks ago she came here and sat on her phone texting someone and crying. She kept going outside to smoke. She was cold and distant with me then. Then it came out that she tried to take the boyfriend of the friend she is discarding. He declined her offer as he said he couldn't come between 2 friends. This disappointment came between she and I.

She insisted she was anxious, cried in front of her child and barely spoke to me.
I realised that she wanted me to babysit. That's why she brought the child to "visit".
Even though I had babysat the 2 whole weekends before and a few before that. I had not had any kind of break at all.

I spoke to her a few days later and she said I will go on the meds if you make me? No! I will not be manoeuvred into that position. She is very overweight. It is possibly the meds. I said she needs to see a Dr. I can't be her Dr anymore

[SkellyII]

I must admit it has crossed my mind in the past. I am quite powerless I know. When I have put my foot down I have paid a price. The child loves her Mother. There would be no happy ending if she were removed.
 

While there might not be  happy ending if the child were removed, I doubt that there will be a happy ending if the child is not removed.

The professionals tell us that BPD, and some other mental illnesses can be a combination of genetics and environment. My udBPD ex used to go out at night and leave my daughter by herself when she was 8-9 years old. She was also a mean, abusive drunk and would alternately go on tirades and then hint at suicide to my daughter. At least once, she passed out and my daughter couldn't revive her, and she thought that she was dead.

My daughter loved, and still loves her mother. She spent every other weekend with me, and never told me what was going on. I didn't find out about this and other issues till the ex attempted suicide after a three-day bender. I still don't know everything that went on, sometimes one of her therapists will ask me questions about things, and I have no answers. Sometime they tell me about incidents, and ask me did I know about them, I have to say no I had no clue.

You can read my previous posts, my daughter is very damaged. Environment or genetics? Probably a LOT of both.

In most areas, there is a DFS hotline where you can report things anonymously. I wish someone had seen something and said something before things got to the tipping point. Maybe my daughter would be in a much better place now.

[Blueskyday]

God, I am so sorry to read that you've going through this in this way. I know I need to keep an eye on things.

The new BFF is off the chain. She is a big drinker and sleeps around. That's fair enough as she's single but they go out and get totally hammered. She leaves my dtr stranded at bars as she meets a man and goes home with him. My dtr says she doesn't get approached. She says she's ugly. She will often go into a monalogue and start screaming a me how ugly she is. To be honest I am relieved she doesn't get approached.
I see the pain she is in but I also see the manipulations. She treats me very badly.

I am fortunate in that the Granddaughter tells me a lot. She confides in me then begs me not to tell her Mum. She's only 7..I am careful not to focus on the negatives with her Mum and her. I don't gaslight her though. I explain that Mum is struggling with some things. I don't have to explain too much as she sees a lot of the histrionics.

Sometimes I worry that she could possibly play both sides against the middle. I'm sure she's not now tho. I dont say anything I would never admit to. I doubt my dtr could hold her temper if she knew the child confided in me to the extent she does.

Its a horrible, impossible situation. There is no support here for struggling people. There is no talk therapy. She denies she is BPD and then screams that she has mental health issues. There's no way out.
Her weight is dropping so she's reluctant to take more meds, even different meds.

If she were reported to social services they wouldn't help her. There is a couple of drug addicts whom she knows who still have all of their kids despite physical abuse in the home