extreme relationships

[mom7834]

This is my first post. I joined the group just seconds ago. This is the pattern with my 20 year old daughter: She meets a guys (usually older) and suddenly he is the only one who she can talk to, the only one who understands her, and he becomes her "everything". He is usually a loser. After a time, cannot deal with her extreme moods, jealousy, and neediness, or she will do something to cause the guy to dump her, and then her world comes to an end. She threathens suidicide, screams, has tantrums, runs away, etc. She has been hospitalized 3 times (all voluntary) for a few days to a week. She is a very talented art student. Even in the semesters where she was in the hospital she still made dean's list. Cut to the chase: 2 nights ago everything came to a head with her last boyfriend and she went screaming, running into the woods. A stranger saw what happened, ran after her and she went with him.  After riding around with her and talking, he brought her home at 9am. I talked to him, thanked him (he was just a kid, 24 years old. He is now the only person who understand her, etc. I am so tired of this pattern. I told her, no, she doesn't need a boyfriend now. She left the house last night without me knowing, he picked her up and they went to his house. Now it's 9:30 am. She's not home and won't answer my calls. I talked to her briefly at 5:30 this morning and she said to leave her alone, she's going back to bed. I'm at my wit's end. I told her if she doesn't talk to me, I'm cutting off her phone. Which I did, but then a few hours later, I reconnected it because she might need me. This is all-consuming. I just don't know what to do. Since this is my first post, please tell me if I did anything wrong as far as posting on this site. and please help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Mom
I am both glad to meet you and sorry for the circumstances. You have done EXACTLY the right thing by taking the first step in posting here. This is the best place to get help and support. We get it. We are your people. You belong here with us and you are welcome.

Your daughter sounds pretty much like most of our BPD children. It is a horrible illness that takes its toll on everyone. The good news is, things CAN get better and often do. We are learning the skills we need to improve our relationships and help our children and ourselves. Probably the best place for you to start would be by clicking on the thread titled "How to get the most out of this site." It is right on the top of this page. There is a lot to learn. Don't let it overwhelm you. Just take it one step at a time.

What is it that bothers you the most right now that you would like to process with the group? We are here for you.

[mom7834]

so many things... I can't plan for anything, because I don't know what the next day will hold. I'm going broke paying her fines-she totaled 2 cars, got a DUI and numerous tickets. She can't pay them, she is a college student. She has nothing. One of my biggest frustrations is trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist! After her last hospitalization, she was set up with one, but I don't think it's been helping much. She goes to therapy/counseling every week. She thinks she needs to be hospitalized again. But I don't really think it helps. Sure, you are fine when you are there, but it is a controlled environment. I would rather see her set up with a good psychiatrist and group therapy. My other daughter, who has issues of her own, is graduating from a very prestigious college on Monday. I would like to have one day be about her and her accomplishments. I want both sisters to be able to fake happiness on this one day. haha True.  I just want to get through the weekend without police and doctors and rages and screaming and stupid potential boyfriends telling me how wonderful my daughter is when they have absolutely no idea what they are getting into. I'm ranting. Sorry, I'm really going nuts here.

[FaithHopeLove]

I hear you. Take deep breaths. Seriously it helps. You definitely have a lot going on there. A lot seems to be about boundaries. Your daughter is riding roughshod over you. It's not your fault. People with BPD ride roughshod over anyone. Here is a great article about boundaries that  has helped me and might help you.

Setting Boundaries

[mom7834]

 I read the boundaries section. It's all just words to me. Did I mention that my daughter is also extremely smart and is minoring in psychology?She has an answer for everything and can usually convince me that she is right. She's smarter than I am, I admit, and often, her explanations are so reasonable I can't dispute them. I love her with all my heart and I have tried so hard to be a good mom and make a good life for both of my children and instill values in them, but this child especially, makes such bad choices and I feel helpless, like everything I try is useless. I'm on the edge. It's almost 11:00 and she still isn't home. I'm just going to go about my life, do the things I need to do today and see what happens.

[FaithHopeLove]

You mentioned she was smart. I did not know she was studying psychology but it does not surprise me. I think focusing on living your own life is a great idea. How do you plan on doing that? What are your plans for today? What nurtures you?

[mom7834]

My plans for today? Doing my final grades (I'm a teacher) mopping the kitchen floor, checking this post for advice, and waiting for her to come home. Maybe mowing the lawn. What nurtures me? I will enjoy working in the garden now that it is spring, but I don't have anything to plant. Once school is over, I will get on that, hopefully.

[FaithHopeLove]

I am a teacher too
 I teach theology to seminarians as a missionary in several countries. I am not a fan of.grading but I love creating curricula. I also love gardens although not gardenING so much. The main thing is we have to keep doing the things that make us us. We can't turn our lives over to our children's illness.

[livednlearned]

What are you thinking of planting?

I would rather see her set up with a good psychiatrist and group therapy.

Has there been any talk of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) during her hospital stays?

[mom7834]

I don't know. (HIPPA) but she knows what it is from her studies. I imagine it has something to do with talking? I'll look it up. 
Planting? just pretty flowers in a random but aesthetically pleasing pattern.
I just talked to her. I called her work (ice cream parlor) today was her first day for the summer. I guess the new boyfriend that she met 1 1/2 days ago took her. I asked if she is coming home tonight. She said, "I'll come home tomorrow after work, I guess. I need some time, mom." Translated that means: "I'm not coming home and I'm not going to my sister's graduation. I can't drive for 2 hours and sit for 2 hours. It would drive me crazy. I'm going to do what I please." And once again, she is going to crush her sister.