BPD daughter making progress-furious at husband

[Tazzer4000]

   I am absolutely furious with my husband. My BPD daughter wrote him a letter from juvenile last week. He didn't tell me, he didn't bother to read it and threw it away unopened. She seems to be trying to make progress and work through her issues. He on the other hand is still refusing to give her a chance or even go and get therapy to help him with his issues. I have been trying to give him space and be understanding as she has been vicious towards him but it's not helping as he is not trying at all. I'm so angry right now I could scream but instead I'm sitting here writing this. If anyone else has experienced something like this please let me know. Any advice is appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Tazzer

Yes I have some experience of this.

My husband is a rigid thinker, black/white. He just couldn’t understand why my son wouldn’t grow up, he resented him because son wouldn’t take responsibility for himself. He also was so so upset at the situation that was before him, he couldn’t cope and he knew he couldn’t fix it His reaction was to detach to protect himself.

I learnt that I needed to adopt and use those skills I learnt here with my husband. I accepted I couldn’t change husband and I validated a lot. I was so determined to stay the course because I could see early signs of improvement in son. I just kind of ignored husband, and carried on regardless. Husband would often criticise and give a barbed comment - I’d use SET and point out it was unhelpful (truth).

To be honest, we reached a point where I started to wonder if I would continue with my marriage as we three (me and two sons) were much further ahead in the “family bonding process” and I did wonder if husband was capable of bending. But he did. He slowly learnt better interaction skills by my demonstration of them each day.

My husband does have a relationship with both sons. They are at ease with one another, but it’s not really close. I guess it’s at a point where they accept him for his faults and vice versa. It’s the best it’s ever been and we can make a joke at each other’s expense without somebody kicking off.

When we’ve been deeply hurt it’s hard to trust again. It certainly isn’t easy to make ourselves vulnerable again. I think your husband didn’t read the letter because he wants to protect himself. Or perhaps he’s truly emotionally detached. Only he knows how he’s feeling. It’s been 4 1/2 years and husband is still behind me with interaction skills - he doubts his ability when son is dysregulated. He’s better when things are stable.

We can’t change our kids, nor our husbands. But with a healthier relationship they are more open to listening and influence.

Go forth Tazzer, light as a fairy, focus on the positives, validate with a dollop more on top and have no expectations - from my experience, it’s irrisistible.

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

 Tazzer
My husband has a strong albeit often difficult relationship with our son. He and I don't always share the same approach and sometimes he does things with our son that I see as enabling. He is making great progress though. We are both in therapy and we are both getting better at our own pace. Like LP said we cant change our spouses any more than we can change our children. We have to accept them both as they are and take it from there. By the way great job posting instead of screaming. That was a good choice. How else can you take care of yourself in the midst of these rather maddening circumstances?

[livednlearned]

I have been trying to give him space and be understanding as she has been vicious towards him but it's not helping as he is not trying at all. I'm so angry right now I could scream but instead I'm sitting here writing this.

How is your relationship with D16 at the moment?

Did you learn about the letter because D16 wanted to talk about it?

[Tazzer4000]

Yes, she told me she had written her dad a letter and wanted me to read it as well. Our relationship is slowly improving since she went into detention and has started DBT therapy there. I feel like she is at least putting forth some effort to work things out but my husband refuses to believe it or give her a chance.

[livednlearned]

I have felt angry at my H for his way of dealing with things, too.

What worked for me was counter intuitive, a complete 180 from what I was doing before.

I pulled all the way back and focused on me, what I felt. What I had control over, how I felt about those things, all the difficult hard challenging uncomfortable feelings happening under the anger.  

The more I waded into H's emotional space, the more entrenched his defenses became.

When I stopped doing emotional work for him, when I stopped pushing at him, he was left alone and his feelings started to pop up and need processing. He had nothing to push against so the waters flooded out and we made it to the same page.

For me, my anger was driven by fear that SD22 would take her life. I also had fears rooted in childhood, that we always care for the most difficult person and the healthy people have to be doormats. Right behind the anger was grief -- it needed to be felt and processed and survived so we could move forward.

[Tazzer4000]

Thanks for everyone's input. It was very helpful.  After I calmed down we had a long discussion and it boiled down to hes afraid to believe her or trust her again for fear of being hurt. He needs to see a therapist but has always made excuses why he can't.  I understand why he feels angry and hurt and why he feels the need to protect himself. I don't understand the refusal to see a therapist (a problem hes had throughout out marriage). At any rate, he's agreed to come with me to visit on June 15. Hoping that it goes well. Thanks again for the responses.