18 yr old daughter has shut me out of her life

This is the first time I have ever used an online message board.

I am sure there are other parents out there that have similar experiences with their children.
My daughter was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder when she was about 11. (I think she may have BPD) I took her to therapy for 3 years. She would hurt her brother. Scratch him leaving 3, 3 inch bleeding marks on his back. I saw her kick him twice as hard as she could in the back. She was 5'8' at the time (12) and my son was 5' or less at that time. They are 2 1/2 yrs apart.

She hated me for making her go to therapy. She would draw awful pictures of her dr. on the back of each weeks intake form. She complained of "horrible aniexty" from about 8 years old but when the dr asked if she wanted to learn tools to help with aniexty she said no.

Her father, was never on board with therapy. We divorced when the kids were 8 and 10. I believe he is ODD also. He is a sex addict and I didn't find out until I was 7 months pregnant with my son. He admitted to using prostitutes, both male and female, transvestites, dominatrix, etc. He absolutely hates me because I know his secrets. I have asked him repeatably to love the kids more than he hates me. The kids dad won't even look at me. We divorced in 2012. I left in 2011.

My son has always been a sweet boy. Compassionate by nature. He went to live with his dad at the end of his 8th grade year. He was kicked out of school for 2 1/2 days. I grounded him for the rest of the year from his friends. Only about 20 days. Which considering why he was suspended from school - was very light punishment. He told me hated me and went to live with his dad. His dad let him go to football practice while suspended and that Friday he spent the night with his best friend. If we had still been married, that punishment would have been much worse than mine.

I have sole custody of my kids, which literals mean nothing in the state of Oregon. I get to choose education, medical care and religion. That's what sole custody means. Although, my son had a concussion. His dad refused to take him to the dr. He said it was more important to have him have silence and darkness to recover. The boy he collided with went straight to the dr. He had bleeding behind his eyes. He couldn't remember his sisters names for minutes. My son was at his dad's that weekend. I was out of town. I didn't find out this happened until hours later. His dad promised me he would take him to the dr in the morning. When I got back into town I went to his dad's to see my son. His dad wouldn't let me inside the house to see him. I told him I would call the police if he wouldn't let me in. He said fine. The police let me see my son. The dad refused to let me take him to the dr. (even though I have sole custody). The police officer said that even if I had the divorce decree in my hands and showed him - they couldn't accept it because how do they know the decree wasn't changed yesterday. OMgosh. So our government has taken authority away from the police in a large degree. They are afraid of being sued.

So, that is a little background. Maybe too much. But I am not dealing with just a daughter who has some issues, who needs helps, who is sadly alone and anxious. Also, with her father that has turned away a daughter but now my son tells me I am a horrible mother who has never even cared for him.

My children were my life. I wanted them my whole life. I waited until I was in my 30's before having them. I WANTED my children so badly. I have been a good mother, not perfect but I would die a thousand deaths for them. Which I think I am doing now.

I have been seeing a psychologist for about 6 years on and off to try to deal with this. She (dr) is amazing. I have had the police called to my house 4 times. the first time, I took my daughters phone away from her for a punishment. 20 minutes later - police are at my door. Her dad called them. My parental control was diminished at that time. At that time my kids 9 and 11 wouldn't let me out of my daughters room, I had to exit through a window. A friend said "I would have slammed her into the wall". Right. People don't understand, I would have gone to jail. Also, I believe in boundaries, consequences and grounding but not "slamming into walls".

It took me years to learn, "don't take it personally" and "wait to talk about an issue" and also when it is calm "talk about it later". I really failed on the "talk about it later". When things are okay again and there is not the hateful spewing of words- you just don't want to go there again.

My question now- neither of my children give me any time. Neither have been at my home for almost a year. I see them maybe an hour every 2-3 months. I reach out often. They said they would have dinner with me. The day after dinner was agreed upon my son texted me such a hateful message saying he wouldn't go to dinner and what a horrible mother I am and I have never cared about him in the least." I just sobbed. Heartbroken. He is 15, almost 16. I reminded my daughter an hour before I was to pick her up. At the very minute I was to arrive as I pulled into her drive she texted, " I am not going to dinner with you." I don't blame my son so much for his actions and words as I believe he is very much bullied by his dad and sister.

My daughter is going to college. I told her I will help her but expect a relationship with her. She isn't responding to my question of grad cards being sent out or an upcoming trip out of state. Not to mention she refused to go to dinner with me.

I have a beautiful diamond pendant necklace for her high school graduation. I want to give it to her. I am not well off at all. It is a very nice gift. She doesn't deserve it. I want her to have it though. What would you do?

Thank you, a mom who loves her children with all her heart.



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