GS4.5 told me DD26 punches him on top of the head

[Only Human]

 

I’m furious and sad, but mostly furious. As some of you may recall, I reported my DD26 to CPS in 9/2018. I became concerned when I noticed a rather large bruise on his buttocks and more so when he asked me one morning as I was leaving for work, "Will you protect me?" After discussing it with my T, I talked with GS and he told me DD punches him on top of his head and kicks his legs when he's rude to her.

CPS investigated, then closed the investigation 30 days later. DD admitted to CPS that she spanks him but flat out denied that she kicks him or punches him. She stated, “I’ve never kicked him but I do tap him on top of the head sometimes to get his attention – Just like my T told me to.”

Today, GS and I took a walk during my work break (I work from home six days a month) and when we came across a bug on the ground he told me he wanted to jump over it with his scooter. This conversation happened:

Me: No, you should go around it.

GS: Why?

Me: If you jump over it you might land on it on accident and squish it.

GS: If I squish it will you punch me?

Me: I would never punch you!

GS: You won’t punch me?

Me: No way. Have I ever punched you?

GS: No. Mommy punches me though.

Me: Mommy punches you? When does she punch you?

GS: She punches me like this when I’m bad on take-five (punches the top of his head)

Me: That must hurt, I’m sorry that happens.

GS: Yeah, she’s a terrible mommy.

Me: Maybe you could tell her, “Don’t punch me in the head!”

GS: Why?

Me: Because that’s a good way to take care of yourself.

GS: No, that won’t work.

Me: That won’t work?

GS: She’ll just get angrier and angrier!

Me: I’m so sorry that happened, GS, that’s terrible.

Then he started talking about something else.

Lately, I’ve noticed bruising on his left shin. We got a new metal climbing structure and I reasoned the bruises away but I did notice that he doesn’t have similar bruises on his right leg.

He’ll be going out with DD’s BF after his nap today and I’d like to talk to DD about it. I thought SET would be good and would like some input. Here’s what I would like to say:

Sympathy: I want to help you with GS.

Empathy: I know you’ve been extra stressed lately and his behavior is driving you crazy.

Truth: Today we had a conversation that really concerned me so I wanted to talk to you about it. When he saw a bug on the ground he told me he wanted to jump over it with his scooter. I told him it would be better if he went around it so he didn’t squish it on accident. He asked me if I would punch him if he squished it. He then told me that you sometimes punch him on the head when he’s bad on take-five. I’ve also noticed lots of bruises on his left leg, similar to when he told me last year that you kicked him in his legs when he is rude to you.

I have no idea what I will say if she denies this.

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

oh OH that must be so horrible to see your GS caught in the middle of this mess. Your SET plan sounds great to me. If she does deny hitting him, what exactly do you think she will say? 

[Only Human]

If she does deny hitting him, what exactly do you think she will say? 

I think she'll say, "OMG Mom, he's lying! He always lies, you know that!"

DD constantly asks GS, "Are you lying?" or says, "You're lying." GS does a fair bit of lying to avoid getting into trouble but who can blame him?

My stomach is in knots about this. She's going out of town overnight on Saturday and GS will be here with me. It's bringing back memories of when she last was away overnight and I called CPS. At that time, she told me she wished I had talked to her about it, rather than call CPS. Recently, she brought up the CPS thing again and I told her, "I called CPS because you were hitting GS. When I brought up the bruises, you explained them away." In that same conversation, she told me she was scared that I would take GS away from her. I told her I had no intention of taking him from her, I want to support her in being the best parent she can be. She said, "That doesn't mean he won't be taken from me. And if he is taken from me, it would destroy me. I'm not going to be like (friend) who had her son taken from her, did everything CPS told her to do, got off drugs, got a job, went to parenting classes, and she still didn't get her son back. So she went back on drugs. Screw that, if I can't get my kid back, I'll kill myself, I promise you."

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

So the motive for her lying about hitting him is fear of having him taken away. I get that. I am sure you do too. Can we think about how you might talk to her in a way that allays that fear and still addresses the abuse? Maybe something like "I know you love your son and would never want to lose him. Neither would I. So can we talk about how to deal with this hitting problem so we won't run that risk?"

[Harri]

Hi OH.  I am so sorry this is happening again and I am glad you are aware and talked so sweetly with your GS.   

I think Faith is onto something here when she suggests saying: "I know you love your son and would never want to lose him. Neither would I. So can we talk about how to deal with this hitting problem so we won't run that risk?"  It makes it a collaborative problem solving issue rather than a blame issue.   

Can you anticipate how she might respond to that?

[Only Human]

I should also mention that last Wednesday, as my HVAC was being installed, she read me the riot act for not giving GS a take-five for running in the house. She asked why I didn't and I said, "I don't see the big deal with running in the house, he's 4." Not good. This resulted in her screaming that I was undermining her parenting and no wonder GS doesn't listen to her because I say things like that in front of him. She went on to insult my own parenting, bringing up my many mistakes, telling me GS is ADHD and, unlike me, she wasn't going to drug her kid. "(her brother) told me he was suicidal when he was on ritalin, I'm not doing that to my kid." I finally had enough and said, "I don't have to stand here and listen to you talk to me this way." And I walked away.

She sent me several angry texts and, while I didn't like her perspective, I agreed with it and texted, "You're right." Basically, she was telling me, even if I don't agree with her rules, she's the mom and I should also enforce them. No running in the house is a good rule as, when he runs he risks falling or banging his head on a doorknob or the kitchen counter, thus causing a bruise, and then someone is going to call CPS.

Later that day she texted:

Her: GS has officially said, "memaw said yes, so I can" to me. I said no and he used that as his answer. How is it you're able to always destroy my day and then leave me with your mess? I'm sick of memaw rules. You make him bad and you need to fix it.

Me: What did he say that in response to?

Her: Going outside to see the damn crane.

Me: Yes, I told him he could. Why can't he?

Her: He said, "I'm going outside to see the crane." I said, "It isn't here yet, it's cold outside, memaw isn't here yet, no." Then he screamed. I said, "You know what? No overall." And you're the answer.

Me:  So he can't see the crane because he yelled at you. Your call.

She then called me and continued to insult me and I lost it. I told her, "Look, I'm stressed out with all these home repairs, I'm doing my best to support you and all you do is yell and scream and slam doors. GS doesn't not listen to you because of me, he doesn't listen to you because he's terrified of you. I'm done listening to you give me , you poked MY bear, goodbye."

She texted

Her: You won't be seeing GS for a while. That's a promise.

Me: As you wish.

Her: Kick me out now mom. I'm done with you being proven wrong for you to run away. I'm done being a prisoner to your INSANE RULES.

Me: You are free to go whenever you please. You are welcome to stay. I'm not responding further.

Her: The fact that you admitted I'm right and now can't handle it. Remember that. Remember you started this.

Her: How dare you say he's terrified of me.

Her: Like you mom

Her: Like seriously, you dude

Her: I just think it's funny how much you wanna help me.

Her: But you're the whole reason this all happened.

While I was sleeping, she sent this text:

Her: You've destroyed me. Now everything that is wrong with GS is me. Even if you're right about the original thing of me just being scary I now believe I'm a monster because my mother told me that. I now think he doesn't eat because I'm a monster. He doesn't sleep because I'm a monster. He has ADHD because I'm a monster. I guess what this all means is every time I open up to you this happens. And this is why I never trust you to not kick me when I'm down.

I responded the next morning:

Me: I totally understand why you would feel that way, anybody would. I wish I could take back what I said. It was mean and uncalled for. I'm sorry.

Later that night, I apologized face to face.

Me: I'm sorry for what I said.

Her: It's okay. I need to get my head straight. I'm sorry for projecting on you. I was upset because GS had a nightmare, I'm sleep deprived. I say a lot of mean things to you and I need to be able to take it when others are mean to me.

Me: It's my goal to not be mean.

We hugged, said I love you, then moved on.

~ OH

[Only Human]

Maybe something like "I know you love your son and would never want to lose him. Neither would I. So can we talk about how to deal with this hitting problem so we won't run that risk?"

Yes, I like this. Good stuff, Faith - thank you.

The silver lining in all this is that I'm actually able to get some work done today - it's not consuming my life.

GS just woke up from his nap and this conversation happened:

GS: Can I have my old tablet back? (DD took it away a few days ago and said he could have it back when his behavior improved. He's been asking every day for it.)

DD: No.

GS: Why not?

DD: We're going to see how it goes, maybe you can have it back on the weekend.

GS (growling/yelling): I want it back NOW!

DD: I know you want it back now but the answer is no.

GS (growling/yelling): Give it back to me now!

DD: I'm not going to listen to you until you talk to me nicely. I've already given you the answer and I've already explained why.

GS (growling/yelling, but not as loudly): I can't, I'm too angry!

DD: That's good, thank you for telling me how you feel.

GS: I really really want it. My new tablet doesn't work.

DD: You and daddy are going to go out today and buy a new battery for it, hopefully that will fix it. Do you want to help me make a smoothie?

GS: Yes, I loove making smoothies.

Me: I like how you two talked that out.

I'm now drinking a delicious smoothie and DD and GS are in the backyard. GS talks constantly and DD gets annoyed but she's not losing it.

~ OH

[Only Human]

Can you anticipate how she might respond to that?

I can't. I'll think on it a bit. I've got to get some work done and I'm not fully prepared for this conversation. I suppose it can wait until GS is in bed tonight.

~ OH

[Only Human]

I think DD will take GS and run/disappear. This is based on when she would run out of therapy sessions when the discussion would turn to my concern about GS's emotional safety when DD would rage, not necessarily at him, just rage in general. I'm sure she's feeling shame about the abuse.

I'm not ready for this talk.

~ OH

[Only Human]

I also think I won't get past "GS told me you punch him..." before she shuts me down, leaves, talks over me, calls GS a liar, so I don't know where to say, "I know you love GS and would never want to lose him, neither would I. Can we talk about how to deal with this hitting problem so we won't run that risk?" Because, if she says it's not true, then how is it a problem?

"You're going to believe a 4 yo over me?"

I'm having anxiety just thinking about it.

~ OH

[Harri]

Not being ready for the conversation is okay OH.     

I wonder if breaking this into smaller parts would help?

Does she have times where she remains calm and will not dysregulate where you might be able to approach the conversation at least in part (haven't figured out a good suggestion for you to do that yet )?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

I almost went out to the backyard where she was tending to her plants but she went back inside as I was standing up. My bedroom and the living room have sliders to the backyard. She told me yesterday she's having a tough time - she's lost many of her "followers" on her online app and just lost the person who was her very first follower over a year ago.

She had a fairly decent day today and I thought tonight would be a good time for the talk. Right now, though, she's crying on the phone in the bathroom. It's not a good time. Will there be a good time? I don't see it in the foreseeable future. I'll be at work all day tomorrow and, after a day alone with GS, she is usually very dysregulated by the time I get home.

I thought about how she will react to my words (she'll likely see them as an accusation and be defensive), and I thought that I could say, "I see that you're upset, I'd like to take a break and talk more when we're both calm, this is important."

She's been depressed and the house is a wreck. She said, "I'm going to clean today, I promise." I said, "I'll help you," and I did. I worked for about 40 minutes and cleaned in the kitchen and in GS's room. She kept thanking me, saying how she is so depressed she can't even see the mess right now, she really appreciates my help. I felt like a traitor, she has no idea what's coming.

I'm going to calm myself and get a good night's sleep.

~ OH

[Only Human]

DD came into my room at 11:30 last night, I was sound asleep. She was crying, saying she's so tired but can't sleep, she's so hungry but can't eat, she is so very sad about her friends abandoning her, she has nobody to talk to about her struggles. I didn't even know what to say except, "I'm so sorry you're so sad, I would be sad too." She has sworn off therapy because her last T, our family T, reported her to CPS. She asked if it was okay if her BF came and she and he slept in the car in the driveway. Yes, that's okay. I was tempted to invite her BF to come into the house so they could sleep inside but that's a slippery slope, I will never allow him to live with me again. I asked her if he will be able to be here for her today so she is not alone and she said he would.

~ OH

[wendydarling]

OH   I'm glad your lovely GS trusts you to speak out and as Harri says take time to respond, let your DD find calm, come talk to you as she did last night, she's trying to reconnect, rebuild trust.

This jumped out to me OH, this was before the events this week, it was on your DD's mind, perhaps because she feels guilty of the hitting on the head... it'll come out in time and it DID.

Recently, she brought up the CPS thing again and I told her, "I called CPS because you were hitting GS. When I brought up the bruises, you explained them away." In that same conversation, she told me she was scared that I would take GS away from her. I told her I had no intention of taking him from her, I want to support her in being the best parent she can be. She said, "That doesn't mean he won't be taken from me. And if he is taken from me, it would destroy me. I'm not going to be like (friend) who had her son taken from her, did everything CPS told her to do, got off drugs, got a job, went to parenting classes, and she still didn't get her son back. So she went back on drugs. Screw that, if I can't get my kid back, I'll kill myself, I promise you."

Does your DD practice mindfulness? If so is this something she can teach GS? Do you share the skills you learn here with DD?

WDx

[wendydarling]

OH, has your DD ever worked independently with a DBT specialist, might she engage with online DBT? I feel it maybe right up your DD's street. Empowering, validating and to know she's not alone. My DD set up her BPD twitter account 18 months ago, she's 6k followers, they all help each other and share DBT resources!  Group hugs like here

WDx

[Only Human]

Does your DD practice mindfulness? If so is this something she can teach GS? Do you share the skills you learn here with DD?

I don't know if she practices mindfulness, I don't know if *I* practice mindfulness  After reading your reply from work earlier today, I decided to share with her that I'm getting support here. It came about when she thanked me for being so understanding about the house being a wreck due to her depression. "Thank you for understanding that I just couldn't do it, and for not bringing up how wrecked the house was, and for offering to help, and for helping. I really appreciate it, you have no idea. I think if you would have said something, it wouldn't have been received well. Thank you for putting up with me, I know it's not easy, you don't have to, and I appreciate you."

I told her I was part of an online support group for people who loved a person with BPD. She shared that she's looking into an alternative treatment, micro-dosing (magic mushrooms - can't wait to learn more about THAT!) and I shared that I'd read that some people have had success with ketamine. She seemed okay with me being "here." I told her I'm learning about self-care, acceptance, communication skills, etc.

OH, has your DD ever worked independently with a DBT specialist, might she engage with online DBT?

At the moment, she is adamantly against any formal treatment for BPD, medication, etc. The other day I mentioned online DBT and shared that we could do it together, that I could definitely benefit from it myself. She rejected the idea.

On Saturday, she will leave early in the morning for a concert out of town. She'll return late Sunday afternoon and we'll have family dinner.

I'm torn - I want to talk about the abuse with her but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I'm leaning toward waiting until she returns from her mini vacation. Sort of like, "Okay, you went away and I didn't call CPS, I'm talking to you about it instead." I don't want it hanging in the air while she's away, worried I'll call CPS. I'm working from home tomorrow and I'm off Friday. This evening I overheard her interacting with GS and she was firm but in control. She's returned to baseline, I'm taking it easy and doubling down on self-care.

Thank you all for walking with me, not judging me or my DD. It really means a lot

~ OH

[FaithHopeLove]

I think you are right. Wait until she gets back and is in a relatively good state of mind. It seems like the key is to find a way of framing the issue that doesn't cast you as the "bad' one who calls CPS and has you working toward your common goal of protecting your grandson from harm without losing him.

[livednlearned]

OH, you are in one of the toughest spots imaginable and I admire so much how you're moving through this. Whew.

Do you think it would help DD if you slid some distress tolerance skills under the door, so to speak?

I don't talk about DBT with SD22. For some reason she is open to CBT but not DBT. Too many family members mentioning it, without really helping her understand the benefits I figure.

Sometimes, though, I will share skills I've learned with her. Like boxed breathing (4 seconds in, 4 seconds hold, 4 seconds out, 4 seconds hold). She was in distress one day and beginning to dysregulate. I asked if she would do it with me and she did, then we checked in -- did she notice a difference? Yes.

It isn't magic, and it's slow work so I only know that she will accept skills when it's in context, even if she rejects DBT outright.

One time we googled cute puppy videos   which is an actual DBT skill 

That interaction with DD when she diverted GS to something enjoyable when he was starting to dig in sounds like a custom designed DBT skill. Maybe in those moments you can build on the wonderful response you gave her, "That thing you did was awesome. He was putty in your hands. What other things help divert him when he's driving you nuts? I heard about this one xyz."

I have to do stuff like this with her to prevent myself from solving her problems. Admittedly, we are together when things like this happen and she is quiet BPD, and there is not a young child involved. I have some hope that she will find something that clicks with her so she uses it when she's alone in a spiral.

Do you think DD would be receptive to suggestions like that from you?

[Only Human]

It seems like the key is to find a way of framing the issue that doesn't cast you as the "bad' one who calls CPS and has you working toward your common goal of protecting your grandson from harm without losing him.

This is it, Faith, yes. I want her to know I'm on her team. I'm definitely going to wait until after her mini vacation. I want her to have a relaxing time and I want time to do it as "right" as I can.

Do you think it would help DD if you slid some distress tolerance skills under the door, so to speak?
[...]
I will share skills I've learned with her. Like boxed breathing (4 seconds in, 4 seconds hold, 4 seconds out, 4 seconds hold). She was in distress one day and beginning to dysregulate. I asked if she would do it with me and she did, then we checked in -- did she notice a difference? Yes.

It isn't magic, and it's slow work so I only know that she will accept skills when it's in context, even if she rejects DBT outright.

Thank you, LnL, this is a good suggestion. I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but I fear that DD will reject my attempt, and only because I'm not sure how I would work that in. Would you mind giving an example of how this looks? The lead-up, the actual words you say?

One time we googled cute puppy videos   which is an actual DBT skill   

This is super cool, I had no idea!

That interaction with DD when she diverted GS to something enjoyable when he was starting to dig in sounds like a custom designed DBT skill. Maybe in those moments you can build on the wonderful response you gave her, "That thing you did was awesome. He was putty in your hands. What other things help divert him when he's driving you nuts? I heard about this one xyz."
[...]
Do you think DD would be receptive to suggestions like that from you?

I've gotten quite good at positive reinforcement. I'm fearful, again, of pulling off the second part. I guess I have yet to eliminate all the eggshells in my relationship with DD.

Thanks so much for taking the time to share your experience, LnL It really helps to see this stuff "in practice."

I'm working from home today and it was a 7 on a positive scale of 1-10 in terms of DD's interactions with GS. She engaged calmly with him and kept her cool more than 75% of the time. She allowed him to help her with her gardening and she made him a macrame/crystal hemp necklace, something she'd promised to do weeks ago. I had to admit to myself that GS does see me as going against DD's rules. Twice today DD told him "no," and he asked me for a "yes." I'm pretty sure I made some brownie points with DD when I backed her up, "Mommy said no, she makes the rules." I also said, "Remember to use your walking feet," about 30 times today. Not that I'm in it for the brownie points, it's about presenting a united front for GS so that he is not confused.   

Bed and nap times are usually awful with DD having no patience (she wants him asleep NOW) and GS acting frustrated that he has no wiggle room whatsoever. Eight times out of 10, he gets no bedtime/naptime story and ends up in tears because the situation escalates to the point DD has reached the end of her tolerance. He napped just 30 minutes today and DD calmly told him, "I need more alone time so you're going to spend a little time in your room playing quietly." GS protested, "But memaw wants to hang out with me." I said, "I have to get back in my room and do some work, quiet time sounds like a good solution so mommy can have a little more alone time. I'll see you in a little while, I love you." DD validated him and remained calm. She assured him, "It won't be for a long time, it'll be easier than you think, you can have your tablet, there are toys in your room, you can do this." I went into my room/office and sent this text:

"You're doing great being firm and calm. He really seems to be ok with it after totally rejecting it at first."

Tonight, GS was sent to bed early and I held my breath. I overheard DD say, "Come on, doodle, it's bedtime. Let's get through teeth brushing so we can end the day nicely. I know you can do it, you've got this." He got a bedtime story.

I sent this text:

"You're killin the calm factor today, DD. I like that you said, "You can do it, I know you can, let's do this, etc." GS seems to understand that you're rooting for him/on his team. I remember what you said about being complimented for being calm when it's really because you've shut down but, correct me if I'm wrong, I am not getting the "shut down" vibe. BTW, I'm rooting for you/on your team. #teamDD"

As for the other 25% of the day, this conversation, during a power struggle, stood out. GS was sent on a take-five, he protested loudly and angrily, as he usually does, calling her a At one point, GS said, "I'm scared you're going to punch me." (bless his heart, he is sticking up for himself!) DD responded, "I don't punch you, you know that."

I'm really struggling with how to talk to her about this important issue, especially with this preemptive strike. Here's my revised SET:

Sympathy: I want to help you with GS.

Empathy: I know you’ve been extra stressed lately and his behavior is driving you crazy.

(I'm not sold on these but can't think of anything better)

Truth: Last Tuesday, GS asked me if I would punch him if he didn't do as I asked and he told me you sometimes punch him on top of the head when he's bad on take-five. On Thursday, I heard him tell you he's afraid you'll punch him. Can we talk about that?

That's all I've got. I'm working it through and grateful for any input. I also thought, if she denies it, says he's lying, I'll ask, "Why do you think he'd lie about that?"

~ OH

[Turkish]

I would try to mirror what she feels in the Sympathy statement rather than stating your intent.   

[Only Human]

Thanks, Turkish, I'll give that some thought and will be back here in the morning.

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Maybe empathy could be "I know being a parent to a young child is very difficult and stressful. Anyone in your situation would feel that way." or something like that. I am still thinking that there is this implicit triangle of you-her-CPS and right now she sees it as you and CPS against her. That is why I think it is good to emphasize your COMMON goal of keeping your son/ grandson both with you and SAFE. Maybe emphasize that in the truth part by saying something like "I want to keep him with us too but that can't happen unless he is safe. Can we talk about his safety?" Maybe that is how you work your way into a discussion on hitting without making her feel too ashamed to talk about it.

[Only Human]

Sympathy: I know you're scared that I will call CPS on you again and you would be devastated if GS was taken away from you.

Empathy: I also know being a parent of a strong-willed child is very difficult and stressful, it's exhausting. I would also be devastated if GS was taken away.

Truth: Last Tuesday, GS asked me if I would punch him if he didn't do as I asked and he told me you sometimes punch him on top of the head when he's bad on take-five. On Thursday, I heard him tell you he's afraid you'll punch him. What can we do about this punching problem?

~ OH

[Only Human]

Sympathy: I know you're scared that I will call CPS on you again and you would be devastated if GS was taken away from you. I would also be devastated if GS was taken away.

Empathy: I also know being a parent of a strong-willed child is very difficult and stressful, it's exhausting.

Truth: Last Tuesday, GS asked me if I would punch him if he didn't do as I asked and he told me you sometimes punch him on top of the head when he's bad on take-five. On Thursday, I heard him tell you he's afraid you'll punch him. What can we do about this punching problem?

~ OH

[livednlearned]

On Thursday, I heard him tell you he's afraid you'll punch him. What can we do about this punching problem?

Will DD think that the problem is GS making up lies?

Or once again become defensive that you believe him and not her? (as you mentioned above)

What do you think of this for T:

"Punching is one of those things that solves one problem only to create another. What are some alternatives to punching that will help when you feel stressed by GS4's behavior?"

"What can I do to help support the goal of disciplining him without hitting?"

[Lollypop]

Hi OH

My post crossed over with Lnl’s. A great suggestion!

Can I make a suggestion for you to consider?

I find my son can’t process long sentences and too much information. Particularly when stressed. I’ve learnt to keep is as simple as possible.

You’re first emotional word is “scared”. I’m concerned that’s where she’ll stay for the rest of the conversation.

I’m wondering if you might consider DEAR(Man)?

Describe: facts
Express: how you’re feeling
Assert: what you want to happen
Reassert: we’d all get along a lot better if you xxxx

D: last week GS told me that you punch him.

E: This makes me scared for his safety and I am also worried about you too. I love you both so much and I want us together.

A: I’d like us to work out how we can help one another so it doesn’t happen again.

R: We must find a way to work out how we can prevent it happening again.

This is quickly written OH so you can get the gist.

SET is brilliant but it doesn’t go far enough to “resolution” in your situation in my opinion.

What’s your thoughts?

LP

[Only Human]

Will DD think that the problem is GS making up lies?

Or once again become defensive that you believe him and not her? (as you mentioned above)

Yes, I do believe DD will insist GS is making it up. A couple of years ago he had a scab on his hand and told me their dog bit him. DD overheard and said, "That's a lie, (dog's name) didn't bit you, why did you say that?" I think maybe the dog either did bite him or at least the dog's teeth came in contact and GS's perception is that the dog bit him. You know how you can play with a dog and if the dog's mouth is open your hand could touch teeth? Like that. On the other hand, the dog is not welcome in my home due to her possession aggression and DD's and her BF's refusal muzzle her while she's around GS.

I've considered that perhaps GS is stretching the truth or giving his perception of what's happened. Perhaps DD has tapped him on the head to get his attention, with her knuckles, even? Still not okay, but less abusive. I can't believe those words came out of my fingers

I find my son can’t process long sentences and too much information. Particularly when stressed. I’ve learnt to keep is as simple as possible.

You’re first emotional word is “scared”. I’m concerned that’s where she’ll stay for the rest of the conversation.

This really spoke to me, LP. Yes, my DD also has trouble with long sentences and it make sense she would stay fearful for the rest of the conversation.

I’m wondering if you might consider DEAR(Man)?

Describe: facts
Express: how you’re feeling
Assert: what you want to happen
Reassert: we’d all get along a lot better if you xxxx

D: last week GS told me that you punch him.

E: This makes me scared for his safety and I am also worried about you too. I love you both so much and I want us together.

A: I’d like us to work out how we can help one another so it doesn’t happen again.

R: We must find a way to work out how we can prevent it happening again.
[...]
What’s your thoughts?

Yes, I like this. It's quick and to the point. The A part doesn't sing to me, though, as we are not helping each other - I don't hit GS. I also don't know what I'll say if she denies hitting him. I've thought, "Why do you think GS would tell me this?" but it seems to be a question that opens up a can of worms. "Because you baby him," "Because he's a liar," "Because you coached him," etc.

Thanks for the feedback/suggestions. She's away until tomorrow afternoon and it's just GS and me here. He's been very aggressive and defiant today at the smallest request. It's as if he's playing the part of DD, his words seem like words she's said to him.

Me: Wind down time is over, let's go in your room and read a book.

GS: I want a longer wind down time, you tyrant! You must let me finish this video or I'll break this glass!

Me: I can see that you really don't want to take a nap and you seem angry about it. I hope you make a better choice and don't break that glass.

GS (screaming): Stop talking! I need you to stop talking! I'll break this glass and YOU will have to clean it up, do you hear me?

Me: I don't like being yelled at...

GS: STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW OR I WILL PUNISH YOU.

(starts banging the glass on the counter)

Me: GS, stop banging the glass on the counter, that's one.

GS: I WON'T!  I told you to STOP TAAAALLKING, why won't you ever listen to me, omg, you're making me so angry, you're a bully!

Me: You are angry, thanks for telling me how you feel. Let's talk more about that. Stop banging the glass on the counter, that's two.

GS: NO! That's not two, stop counting, stop counting, stop counting, you tyrant!

It went on and I finally had to take the glass out of his hand, hold his arms and walk him to his bedroom.  A similar interaction happened during story time and I had to cut the story short because he kicked my shoulder with both legs while we were lying down.

I'm so sad and scared.

~ OH

[Only Human]

D: last week GS told me that you punch him.

E: This makes me scared for his safety and I am also worried about you too. I love you both so much and I want us together.

A: I’d like us to work out a solution so it doesn’t happen again.

R: We must find a way to work out how we can prevent it happening again.

[Cat Familiar]

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